I'm back, but I still have a problem concerning sex. Let's talk...

[Dark Crane]

I'm more used to be on Mainstream section, maybe some of you know me from there...

Well, I've been away from the forum for a few months since January and have been back for about a month now. I wrote here at the beggining of the year that I had a trouble concerning sex and that I wasn't confortable being here anymore. At the time, I'd just started a relationship with an old girlfriend. Turns out she broke up with me at the end of January. But that's not the point here, because it was a toxic relationship, unfortunately.

The thing is, I've always had a problem with sex and I'd like to get it fixed. So I'll tell you a part of my story. Now, more sure of myself and still wanting to discuss this issue. Because I know some of you have or had a similar problem...

My first memory of liking a girl is when I was 4 years old. I always ended up liking some girl who paid attention to me and wanted to be with her. But I was never very good with girls in that sense. I fell in love for the first time when I was 11 and it seemed to be reciprocated, but the love on her side ended suddenly. I only got over it 6 years later, when I fell in love for the second time. I got to kiss the girl, but things after that didn't go as I wanted. Then, less than two months later, I met my first and only girlfriend in my life.

At that time, I felt a little strange. And I felt strange for the following: my friends started masturbating around 12 to 13 years old. And they talked about the videos they saw, the photographs of naked women and the like. I've never been turned on by that kind of material. And I thought it was weird because I always knew I was straight. Women have always attracted me and my desire has always been immense for the women I loved. Emotional connection has always been very important to me. But I couldn't masturbate...

At that time, I already knew that tickling for me was something that turned me on. I knew that since I was a child, but I had never linked it to sexual matters.

Well, I started dating and my dick was absurdly hard next to her. So hard it hurt. Then one day, looking to relieve myself, I thought maybe I could masturbate to a tickle video. And I finally got it.

Okay, so far nothing much. No problem still then, I was crazy to have sex with her. And, the first time we tried it was in a bathroom in the condo where I live. Very hot in there, little space, the only thing I felt was the condom squeezing my cock.

But it never worked out. We tried several times and it never worked. I was inexperienced and she had vaginismus, my penis didn't penetrate her at all. She was in a lot of pain and I began to imagine that I was the problem. There were a few failed attempts over two years until we never tried again.

And since then I have never tried to have sex again. I began to imagine that my fetish was the cause of this. In fact, as I never penetrated her, I am still a virgin in practice. All this tormented me day and night for a long time and torments me until nowadays, because I always wanted to start a family and I saw my sexual inability as an impediment.

But I don't want it to be like that. I want to start a family and be able to have a healthy sex life with the woman I love. Nothing more than that. It's very frustrating to think that I'm incapable, that I'm useless, that I can't have sex.

At the beginning of the year, what happened was that we had started dating again and finally I would try again. The ghosts came back with force, because I didn't want to fail, I didn't want her to leave because of my inability. She broke up with me at the end of January and it turned out I didn't try again.

Well, it was very gratifying to read what you wrote to me at the beginning of the year and to know that many people go through or went through this problem. Today, I am sure that my fetish is not an impediment and that this is much more a psychological issue. But I am still afraid. I'm afraid to fail, I'm afraid I'll never get what I want. And I would like to know what you think about it and also know a little more about your experiences...

Let's talk about it. And thank you very much for your kind words and attention at the beginning of the year...

 

[Jezebel Lee]

As an asexual tickle fetishist who also has severe vaginismus and no libido, I can definitely relate to a lot of this. I will never be able to have a “normal” relationship.

 

[Dark Crane]

As an asexual tickle fetishist who also has severe vaginismus and no libido, I can definitely relate to a lot of this. I will never be able to have a “normal” relationship.

Jezebel, thanks for your reply!

Excuse my ignorance, but if it is comfortable for you, I would like you to answer a question of mine:

At the time of my first post about this, some members asked if I identified as asexual. I don't think so, because I've always wanted to have sex. For me, it's always been more of a psychological issue than anything else...

But you said you are asexual and have no libido. You, as asexual, don't masturbate? How does sex life work for you? You don't have any kind of sexual activity in your case?

 

[Jezebel Lee]

Jezebel, thanks for your reply!

Excuse my ignorance, but if it is comfortable for you, I would like you to answer a question of mine:

At the time of my first post about this, some members asked if I identified as asexual. I don't think so, because I've always wanted to have sex. For me, it's always been more of a psychological issue than anything else...

But you said you are asexual and have no libido. You, as asexual, don't masturbate? How does sex life work for you? You don't have any kind of sexual activity in your case?

It’s all good, I’m open to questions about the subject. For some reason, I find it extremely difficult to get aroused. The vast majority of tickle content does absolutely nothing for me “down there”, so naturally it doesn’t usually result in masturbation. At some point in my 20s, I randomly had urges to “get myself off” (which I considered to be a libido) and purchased a clit stimulator, which worked amazingly, but sadly this phase only lasted a couple of months and I’m pretty much back to my usual broken self. Sometimes I do get aroused by IRL tickle sessions, but this usually doesn’t extend to wanting an orgasm.

 

[Libertine]

The acting teacher who inspired me most when I was studying in England in the late 70s/early 80s was an ancient gay German WW2 refugee who always used to say, 'Dahlings, sex is for doing, not for talking about'.

And that, as I discovered on those occasions when I've needed to figure things out, is because words simply get in the way.

Spuriously self-diagnosed problems and syndromes can almost always be solved by a few hours worth of undisturbed experimentation, assisted by an equally naked and understanding someone, with a glass of wine or a joint or so to ease things along.

But keep in mind that not being able to set this particular scenario up in the first place is a completely separate and unrelated problem requiring its own solution.

Women will always have the advantage here, but it can and must be done.

 

[Cosmo_ac]

If you haven't done it already, I would suggest looking for some counselling. That said, it also might be worthwhile to look into getting viagra. Obviously, this won't deal with the underlying mental issues, but it might help with the physical issues at least.

 

[LeatherRebell]

I think I'm in a similar boat Crane. Tickling is for sure a fetish for me and almost always something that is present when I achieve orgasm, but I am also very into the idea of having sex with women, whether it's oral, vaginal or even just a handjob, and yet, it never seems to do anything for me when it's actually happening. This has been an issue with two girls I've been with in the last few months.

I was eager to tickle them, and then also to have sex or get a blowjob. In both cases, the tickling was really fun and fulfilling and I got very hard, but when it came to the other stuff, it kind of did nothing for me. One girl tried to give me a blowjob and even though I was into the idea, once my dick was in her mouth, I didn't get any pleasure from it. And the same with the second girl. I had fun tickling her, but when I was inside her later on, I felt nothing, and didn't get close to orgasm. Both times I had to finish myself off.

I just don't really understand it. I masturbate almost every day, and I absolutely love it, so I don't understand why others stimulating my penis doesn't work for me. If I fantazise about a woman I'm super attracted to touching my penis or sucking me off, it turns me on. I like the prospect, but in practice it gives me no pleasure unless I'm doing it myself. In my case, it may be that I just haven't slept with anyone I actually like that much. I thought the first of these two girls was really hot, but I wouldn't say I was extremely into her, and I was only somewhat attracted to the second one.

So my prevailing theory is that I need to find someone I really, really like and they'll be able to give me pleasure. I really want to solve this because in addition to being like you and wanting to have a relationship in which I can sexually provide for my partner and also start a family, I also know that I'm not fully satisfied just by tickling girls. I love the idea of tickling them and being pleasured by them.

I don't think that will be helpful for you at all Crane haha. But it's very similar to what I'm feeling right now and it made me want to share. I hope you figure it out. Let me know if you do!

 

[Jezebel Lee]

I think I'm in a similar boat Crane. Tickling is for sure a fetish for me and almost always something that is present when I achieve orgasm, but I am also very into the idea of having sex with women, whether it's oral, vaginal or even just a handjob, and yet, it never seems to do anything for me when it's actually happening. This has been an issue with two girls I've been with in the last few months.

I was eager to tickle them, and then also to have sex or get a blowjob. In both cases, the tickling was really fun and fulfilling and I got very hard, but when it came to the other stuff, it kind of did nothing for me. One girl tried to give me a blowjob and even though I was into the idea, once my dick was in her mouth, I didn't get any pleasure from it. And the same with the second girl. I had fun tickling her, but when I was inside her later on, I felt nothing, and didn't get close to orgasm. Both times I had to finish myself off.

I just don't really understand it. I masturbate almost every day, and I absolutely love it, so I don't understand why others stimulating my penis doesn't work for me. If I fantazise about a woman I'm super attracted to touching my penis or sucking me off, it turns me on. I like the prospect, but in practice it gives me no pleasure unless I'm doing it myself. In my case, it may be that I just haven't slept with anyone I actually like that much. I thought the first of these two girls was really hot, but I wouldn't say I was extremely into her, and I was only somewhat attracted to the second one.

So my prevailing theory is that I need to find someone I really, really like and they'll be able to give me pleasure. I really want to solve this because in addition to being like you and wanting to have a relationship in which I can sexually provide for my partner and also start a family, I also know that I'm not fully satisfied just by tickling girls. I love the idea of tickling them and being pleasured by them.

I don't think that will be helpful for you at all Crane haha. But it's very similar to what I'm feeling right now and it made me want to share. I hope you figure it out. Let me know if you do!

I could be totally wrong since I don’t have a penis, but I have heard of something called “death grip syndrome” where guys become desensitised to sex acts with a partner because of grabbing their penis too hard while masturbating. That could be worth looking into as a potential reason.

 

[LeatherRebell]

I could be totally wrong since I don’t have a penis, but I have heard of something called “death grip syndrome” where guys become desensitised to sex acts with a partner because of grabbing their penis too hard while masturbating. That could be worth looking into as a potential reason.

Oh sweet Jesus . I'll look into that. hope that's not it haha

 

[Pragmatic]

Much like Jezebel, I'm an asexual tickling.... fetishist? No, enthusiast. I'm asexual hetero-romantic, in that I'm attracted to women and enjoy their company but actual sex is meaningless to me, boring, and just annoying. So tickling is an interest, always has been, but not a sexual thing for me.

As someone who was a virgin until 34 years old, I understand your desire to reach this milestone, Dark Crane. It seemed like a goal I was missing in my life. Now likely different from you, when I achieved that particular milestone, it was anti-climactic in every conceivable way. I was even mad that I didn't like sex, it was just kind of a moment of "well, that was okay but I don't get why people commit crimes for this and live and die by their ability to get it".

To me, it sounds like you have built a lot of pressure into sex being an end-goal, and that may be creating a psychological roadblock for you in several ways. You may feel too much pressure in the moment, you may feel like you are "behind" others in your peer group, you may worry about your prowess, the list goes on.

Any advice from me is likely as relevant as me advising a woman on the feeling of giving birth. However, I would suggest stepping back and lowering the pressure you have placed on yourself regarding sex. When it happens, it will happen. You can't (rightfully) force it, and you are not helping your anxiety on the subject by being so focused on it. I'm in NO WAY intending to downplay your needs, wants, and desires, I'm just offering my suggestion to take away some of the pressure you have built into the topic and start by enjoying the company of the person. Being comfortable together is the best way to reach that level of intimacy.

Just my opinion.

 

[Libertine]

I masturbate almost every day, and I absolutely love it, so I don't understand why others stimulating my penis doesn't work for me.

I could be totally wrong since I don’t have a penis, but I have heard of something called “death grip syndrome” where guys become desensitised to sex acts with a partner because of grabbing their penis too hard while masturbating. That could be worth looking into as a potential reason.

There's your answer. If you want to have a real relationship, first of all quit overthinking but most importantly forswear the company of Mary Palm and her five daughters. That'll force you to find someone to sleep with, wherever your path to doing that happens to lead.

There's nothing wrong with a girl masturbating- she's simply finding out what kind of touch works for her, and unless of an appearance that would genuinely qualify her to star in a horror film without makeup, she can pretty much always find a man. Not to mention dinner in the process.

But every self-induced ejaculation for a man is an admission of abject failure.

I matured very late, being short, and was also intelligent enough to have been selected along with several other students to complete grades 3, 4, and 5 in two years. As a result I was a few years behind my 'normal male' classmates in development and even more behind my female classmates. I would wander about, a head shorter than everyone else and still with an unbroken voice (that finally happened, but in French class when I was 16, and I got a humiliating round of cheers and applause) in a rolling sea of eye-level bosoms.

My male classmates would often bellow away in the locker room about their daily masturbatory prowess, citing multiple orgasms and height of ejaculate.

And I vowed to myself that if I ever hit puberty (doubtful as that was...) my first orgasm would occur with a girl, and so I resolutely avoided masturbating. My only celibate ejaculations occurred during wet dreams about guess what, which of course couldn't be helped, but somehow I held out until I was 17, when a lovely girl named A. exercised her arm on me one day when my parents weren't home.

I figured having managed that far I could continue abstaining, and that every orgasm would occur with a woman (I was in high school at the time, after all, so the word 'woman' is wryly amusing in retrospect) and I used that spur to go forth seeking. And I've kept that vow all my life, whether you believe it or not. It's made me promiscuous of necessity, and since the thought of hired sex appalled it made me read a lot of books on female psychology, and get out there and practice talking to 'them' even though I was completely useless at that side of things for years. I have often amused people with rueful tales of my ridiculously non-erotic adventures.

If you want to have sex in any of its permutations don't play spit in the carpet with Mary Palm and her five daughters.

Get out there and find it.

My absolute guarantee is that it will be difficult and humiliating and a lot of girls will turn you down, sometimes quite viciously.

My other absolute guarantee is that once in a blue moon you'll be successful, and your hit rate will increase vastly once you discover your style and what to say.

While doing all of this you will as a necessary consequence develop the hide of a rhinoceros so rejection will not hurt as much, but also as a consequence sex will not be as amazing psychologically as it used to be when it was a such a rare and unknown quantity.

That's the price you'll pay for your self-control and cold showers, but I found it worth it, and you might too.

Good luck.

And chat to five girls a day. It's a numbers game.

 

[omnifeller]

I really appreciate your openness about this issue, Crane, because many of us who experience problems with sex often don't talk about it. As I posted here when you took your temporary leave, I struggled with sex for a long time before I figured out a solution. And it's not a permanent solution, mind you. And it is not restricted to the tickling community. High-speed internet has brought many great things to humanity, but one of the downsides is that it allows people instant sexual gratification. Something that is entirely unnatural to the way our brains evolved (or were made, if that's what works for you).

Our brains love dopamine, the hormone that gives us that sense of happiness and reward when we find something good. The thing is, we can only handle so much dopamine before we get desensitized to it. Before high-speed internet, we were only able to get our hands on static images and the occasional fuzzy video for masturbation. And even before that, we either had to find a real human sexual partner, or we had to imagine it in our heads. Nowadays, we can see literally hundreds of sexually attractive people doing exactly what we want to see within a few minutes. Obviously this is something evolution did not prepare us for.

I had no issues getting hard with my first girlfriend. Looking back on it, that was before I became addicted to tickle porn. Before high-speed internet. With my second girlfriend, however, I had already built up quite a stash of tickle videos that I would regularly masturbate to. My brain had everything it wanted, hundreds of ticklish girls, at the click of a mouse. It only makes sense that my girlfriend could not compete with what I was seeing on my computer on a near-daily basis. For the life of me, I could not penetrate her. I loved tickle porn too much to give it up.

Only after she broke up with me, mostly due to my inability to have sex with her, did I realize my mistake. My next girlfriend came into my life several years later. It happened to be at a time in our lives where both of us were pretty free, and spent a ton of time together. Too much time for me to get lost in my tickle porn collection. We took a lot of trips together where we would be together night and day. When sex was on the table, I still couldn't perform immediately, though. It took several tries, combined with weeks without tickle porn, to finally fix my erection problems. And eventually, I finally was able to penetrate a girl for the first time in my life.

My lesson, and the lesson that many young men are learning, is that porn addiction, which is equivalent to dopamine desensitization, is the primary reason behind the increasingly common occurrence of erectile dysfunction. To this day, I still occasionally lapse into porn addiction, with subsequent inability to get hard with my wife. It's a constant struggle. I love tickle porn and I will never give it up. However, I must force myself to take breaks from it.

That's my story. I masturbate to tickle porn and I won't give it up. But I have to take breaks, and not get carried away. When I have sufficiently reduced my porn watching, I still have to think about tickling to get hard for my wife. I'm actually not sure if you have the same problem, or if it was still a case of vaginismus. I think either way, reducing tickle porn consumption could help you. However, if it was vaginismus, I would also recommend opening yourself up more to meet more girls. Perhaps she was just not the right one for you, I'm sorry to say. Based on your posts here, I can tell you're a great guy, and I'm sure that one day you'll find an awesome girl that's right for you.

 

[Studious_Hustler]

Much of what has been recounted in this thread sounds familiar from my own life, so firstly, I'd like to point out that it's clearly not a situation unique to one person. It may not even be all that uncommon.

Secondly, I suspect that the majority of the "problem," to the extent that it is a problem, comes down to internalized psychological issues, shame, etc. A trustworthy therapist is the best solution for that kind of problem.

But also, not all of this is a problem at all. People are different. They get off in different ways, or maybe they don't get off at all. I'm no expert, but even I know that the asexual, etc., spectrum is wide. Just because society says you should behave in a certain way, that doesn't make society correct. Society is incorrect about many things.

Finally, I doubt that masturbation or the lack thereof has much to do with these issues. But I suppose I could be wrong about that. Regardless, shaming masturbation has done more harm than masturbation itself has ever done.

 

[DOPEFIEND21]

I really appreciate your openness about this issue, Crane, because many of us who experience problems with sex often don't talk about it. As I posted here when you took your temporary leave, I struggled with sex for a long time before I figured out a solution. And it's not a permanent solution, mind you. And it is not restricted to the tickling community. High-speed internet has brought many great things to humanity, but one of the downsides is that it allows people instant sexual gratification. Something that is entirely unnatural to the way our brains evolved (or were made, if that's what works for you).

Our brains love dopamine, the hormone that gives us that sense of happiness and reward when we find something good. The thing is, we can only handle so much dopamine before we get desensitized to it. Before high-speed internet, we were only able to get our hands on static images and the occasional fuzzy video for masturbation. And even before that, we either had to find a real human sexual partner, or we had to imagine it in our heads. Nowadays, we can see literally hundreds of sexually attractive people doing exactly what we want to see within a few minutes. Obviously this is something evolution did not prepare us for.

I had no issues getting hard with my first girlfriend. Looking back on it, that was before I became addicted to tickle porn. Before high-speed internet. With my second girlfriend, however, I had already built up quite a stash of tickle videos that I would regularly masturbate to. My brain had everything it wanted, hundreds of ticklish girls, at the click of a mouse. It only makes sense that my girlfriend could not compete with what I was seeing on my computer on a near-daily basis. For the life of me, I could not penetrate her. I loved tickle porn too much to give it up.

Only after she broke up with me, mostly due to my inability to have sex with her, did I realize my mistake. My next girlfriend came into my life several years later. It happened to be at a time in our lives where both of us were pretty free, and spent a ton of time together. Too much time for me to get lost in my tickle porn collection. We took a lot of trips together where we would be together night and day. When sex was on the table, I still couldn't perform immediately, though. It took several tries, combined with weeks without tickle porn, to finally fix my erection problems. And eventually, I finally was able to penetrate a girl for the first time in my life.

My lesson, and the lesson that many young men are learning, is that porn addiction, which is equivalent to dopamine desensitization, is the primary reason behind the increasingly common occurrence of erectile dysfunction. To this day, I still occasionally lapse into porn addiction, with subsequent inability to get hard with my wife. It's a constant struggle. I love tickle porn and I will never give it up. However, I must force myself to take breaks from it.

That's my story. I masturbate to tickle porn and I won't give it up. But I have to take breaks, and not get carried away. When I have sufficiently reduced my porn watching, I still have to think about tickling to get hard for my wife. I'm actually not sure if you have the same problem, or if it was still a case of vaginismus. I think either way, reducing tickle porn consumption could help you. However, if it was vaginismus, I would also recommend opening yourself up more to meet more girls. Perhaps she was just not the right one for you, I'm sorry to say. Based on your posts here, I can tell you're a great guy, and I'm sure that one day you'll find an awesome girl that's right for you.

I too identify with Crane's issue here.

This response from Omnifeller in particular resonates with me. I don't believe I can ever give up tickle porn entirely. Maybe for several months on the bounce (which I've done before), maybe a year, maybe two. But at some point, I'd be back. If I can replicate something along the lines of what Omni has going on, that'd be ideal. A détente of sorts with the porn. Treat it like a particularly ancient bottle of single malt in the bottom desk drawer, reserved only for certain times, never to be binged upon.

Perhaps I am being naive in thinking that. We all appear to have different capacities for what can be accomplished when it comes to this problem.

I just entered therapy to try and dig into some of the psychological facets, and to have accountability for the upcoming period of abstinence that's about to start. I just wrote a 21-page 'psycho-sexual timeline', wherein I recounted my entire sexual history. The summary being discovery of tickle porn in 1999 at age 14, various failed attempts at penetrative sex over the years, and amassing then recently deleting several terabytes of tickle porn.

The next step will be to abstain from the porn, start the re-sensitization, stop with the cheap dopamine hits. Avoid 'Mary Palm and her five daughters' - good lord The Libertine can turn a phrase lol. We're very lucky to have him here, sage advice delivered with wonderful humor as always.

I have a girlfriend of some six months now; the best and really the only proper relationship I have been in. She's hot, a sub, ticklish, indulges me, as I do her. I'm 38, she's 23, but we get on like age is nothing, we love each other. She's been super understanding of my inability to achieve and maintain an erection for penetrative sex thus far, and we have fun in the bedroom in all kinds of other ways. But it's a must for me to sort this out. Procreation is on the joint to-do list. She is aware that I just started therapy, the reasons why, and is fully supportive of that too and has even offered to attend sessions with me if need be.

Based on recent attempts at penetration, it seems to be partly down to the porn, and partly performance anxiety, despite how very comfortable I am with my gf. Removing the porn is step one, which I am expecting to start tomorrow after the next session with the therapist. The anxiety I think comes from having such a long history of failure to penetrate. For that, I am hoping the therapy and talking things through - experimenting - will pay off.

I will then add my voice to the singular mantra here - you are not alone in this, Crane (and everyone else).

 

[javi14]

Hi Dark Crane,

Firstly very brave of you sharing your experience. And sorry in advance for any other readers, English is not my native language.

I've been in a similar boat as you. I'm a foot and tickle fetichist. That's what mainly turns me on with girls.
And during my early 20's had an unfortunate experience with one of my 1 night stands as I wasn't able to maintain a strong erection. From there it went downhill and same problem occurred with different girls back to back. And this stage it becomes a mental obstacle more than anything.

If you wake up in the morning with an erection ( most of the mornings ) for sure it's a mental thing. As Omnifeller said, cutting on the porn can surely help as real sex is not tickle porn. Furthermore, what did the trick for me ( short term solution ), perhaps a boost of viagra if your doctor agrees with this option. You'll have this extra edge and try to revert the negative dynamic.

Hopefully it helps you.

 

[lostphilosopher]

I can relate to much of what's been stated above.

I'll probably never be able to have a "normal"/vanilla sexual relationship. I guess from that standpoint I'm kind of asexual, though I'm not sure I truly belong to that community.

It's been a problem in the past and one of the reasons I don't actively seek a romantic relationship now.

 

[Dark Crane]

Sorry for the delay, my friends. I'll answer you all, but first I want to share something I've just answered on the thread below:

https://www.ticklingforum.com/showthread.php?352971-The-shame-of-being-into-tickling



As a child and teenager, I was happy to be able to have this kind of secret pleasure without anyone actually knowing about it and thinking it was all just a joke...

The only thing that bothered me a lot about this was when I started having sex and I failed. I thought it was my fault and that I would never get it because of my fetish, I thought I was incapable of it...

But now I see that it was much more a matter of sexual immaturity than anything else. After all, I always wanted to have sex. A woman who is ticklish becomes a million times more attractive to me and I want her so much more. So, I don't think it's something to be ashamed of, just something that adds an extra something to your sex life...

 

[Dark Crane]

It’s all good, I’m open to questions about the subject. For some reason, I find it extremely difficult to get aroused. The vast majority of tickle content does absolutely nothing for me “down there”, so naturally it doesn’t usually result in masturbation. At some point in my 20s, I randomly had urges to “get myself off” (which I considered to be a libido) and purchased a clit stimulator, which worked amazingly, but sadly this phase only lasted a couple of months and I’m pretty much back to my usual broken self. Sometimes I do get aroused by IRL tickle sessions, but this usually doesn’t extend to wanting an orgasm.

Thank you for opening this up, it's very important to me and I believe even to you too...

I understand, I don't see myself so much in this situation because I always masturbated a lot between 17 and 27 years old. After that, I started taking some drugs that led me to a sexual dysfunction, but I believe that as soon as I stop taking them, my libido will return to normal...

I think that, for you, as you said that these things don't make you want an orgasm in fact, that sensation of orgasm is not so much missed. Or does that miss you?

 

[Dark Crane]

The acting teacher who inspired me most when I was studying in England in the late 70s/early 80s was an ancient gay German WW2 refugee who always used to say, 'Dahlings, sex is for doing, not for talking about'.

And that, as I discovered on those occasions when I've needed to figure things out, is because words simply get in the way.

Spuriously self-diagnosed problems and syndromes can almost always be solved by a few hours worth of undisturbed experimentation, assisted by an equally naked and understanding someone, with a glass of wine or a joint or so to ease things along.

But keep in mind that not being able to set this particular scenario up in the first place is a completely separate and unrelated problem requiring its own solution.

Women will always have the advantage here, but it can and must be done.

Yeah, I think now I'm much more self-confident to deal with these things. In fact, I've only had one relationship in my life and it was with a girl who always put me up against the wall and made me feel really bad...

I thought I was a problem. But I think a more understanding partner could help a lot. I understand today that I really want to have sex and that my fetish doesn't interfere with that. Just be confident and not let my mind destroy the moment. I have had good psychological guidance regarding this...

 

[Dark Crane]

If you haven't done it already, I would suggest looking for some counselling. That said, it also might be worthwhile to look into getting viagra. Obviously, this won't deal with the underlying mental issues, but it might help with the physical issues at least.

For sure!

This is something I had set aside here to try with my old girlfriend, but she ended up breaking up with me before that. I separated Viagra and Cialis...

Honestly and luckily, I never had erection problems. But the issue is really much more psychological than physical, so I think the drugs would help in that sense...

 

[Dark Crane]

I think I'm in a similar boat Crane. Tickling is for sure a fetish for me and almost always something that is present when I achieve orgasm, but I am also very into the idea of having sex with women, whether it's oral, vaginal or even just a handjob, and yet, it never seems to do anything for me when it's actually happening. This has been an issue with two girls I've been with in the last few months.

I was eager to tickle them, and then also to have sex or get a blowjob. In both cases, the tickling was really fun and fulfilling and I got very hard, but when it came to the other stuff, it kind of did nothing for me. One girl tried to give me a blowjob and even though I was into the idea, once my dick was in her mouth, I didn't get any pleasure from it. And the same with the second girl. I had fun tickling her, but when I was inside her later on, I felt nothing, and didn't get close to orgasm. Both times I had to finish myself off.

I just don't really understand it. I masturbate almost every day, and I absolutely love it, so I don't understand why others stimulating my penis doesn't work for me. If I fantazise about a woman I'm super attracted to touching my penis or sucking me off, it turns me on. I like the prospect, but in practice it gives me no pleasure unless I'm doing it myself. In my case, it may be that I just haven't slept with anyone I actually like that much. I thought the first of these two girls was really hot, but I wouldn't say I was extremely into her, and I was only somewhat attracted to the second one.

So my prevailing theory is that I need to find someone I really, really like and they'll be able to give me pleasure. I really want to solve this because in addition to being like you and wanting to have a relationship in which I can sexually provide for my partner and also start a family, I also know that I'm not fully satisfied just by tickling girls. I love the idea of tickling them and being pleasured by them.

I don't think that will be helpful for you at all Crane haha. But it's very similar to what I'm feeling right now and it made me want to share. I hope you figure it out. Let me know if you do!

I believe this was the report on the forum that I most identified with so far, Leather!

I also never understood why I can't reach orgasm without tickling being involved. Just smelling my ex-girlfriend made my dick hard, I was hallucinating kissing her. Things that don't directly have to do with tickling, but it's weird because I can only masturbate with tickling as a stimulus. Since many things make me excited...

Well, I can't say I wouldn't feel pleasure right there in the act because I've never actually been involved in one. But I believe I would be more or less like you. Which is strange to me, because I'm so attracted to the girl that it doesn't make any sense to me...

And this business of being involved with the girl is also something that makes a lot of difference to me. This emotional involvement is something that cannot be missing. Sex for the sake of sex is empty for me...

 

[Dark Crane]

Much like Jezebel, I'm an asexual tickling.... fetishist? No, enthusiast. I'm asexual hetero-romantic, in that I'm attracted to women and enjoy their company but actual sex is meaningless to me, boring, and just annoying. So tickling is an interest, always has been, but not a sexual thing for me.

As someone who was a virgin until 34 years old, I understand your desire to reach this milestone, Dark Crane. It seemed like a goal I was missing in my life. Now likely different from you, when I achieved that particular milestone, it was anti-climactic in every conceivable way. I was even mad that I didn't like sex, it was just kind of a moment of "well, that was okay but I don't get why people commit crimes for this and live and die by their ability to get it".

To me, it sounds like you have built a lot of pressure into sex being an end-goal, and that may be creating a psychological roadblock for you in several ways. You may feel too much pressure in the moment, you may feel like you are "behind" others in your peer group, you may worry about your prowess, the list goes on.

Any advice from me is likely as relevant as me advising a woman on the feeling of giving birth. However, I would suggest stepping back and lowering the pressure you have placed on yourself regarding sex. When it happens, it will happen. You can't (rightfully) force it, and you are not helping your anxiety on the subject by being so focused on it. I'm in NO WAY intending to downplay your needs, wants, and desires, I'm just offering my suggestion to take away some of the pressure you have built into the topic and start by enjoying the company of the person. Being comfortable together is the best way to reach that level of intimacy.

Just my opinion.

Really this issue of pressure is something that is very hard for me. It was when I didn't masturbate and now it's about sex...

It's strange, because I have and always wanted to have sex. To be there emotionally and physically connected to a woman in that way. I've never masturbated to a sex tape, but I've always been attracted to women. If she's ticklish, it ends up attracting me even more...

But I'll try not to stress so much about it. The thing is to wait for the moment and feel how it will be in the act...

 

[Dark Crane]

I really appreciate your openness about this issue, Crane, because many of us who experience problems with sex often don't talk about it. As I posted here when you took your temporary leave, I struggled with sex for a long time before I figured out a solution. And it's not a permanent solution, mind you. And it is not restricted to the tickling community. High-speed internet has brought many great things to humanity, but one of the downsides is that it allows people instant sexual gratification. Something that is entirely unnatural to the way our brains evolved (or were made, if that's what works for you).

Our brains love dopamine, the hormone that gives us that sense of happiness and reward when we find something good. The thing is, we can only handle so much dopamine before we get desensitized to it. Before high-speed internet, we were only able to get our hands on static images and the occasional fuzzy video for masturbation. And even before that, we either had to find a real human sexual partner, or we had to imagine it in our heads. Nowadays, we can see literally hundreds of sexually attractive people doing exactly what we want to see within a few minutes. Obviously this is something evolution did not prepare us for.

I had no issues getting hard with my first girlfriend. Looking back on it, that was before I became addicted to tickle porn. Before high-speed internet. With my second girlfriend, however, I had already built up quite a stash of tickle videos that I would regularly masturbate to. My brain had everything it wanted, hundreds of ticklish girls, at the click of a mouse. It only makes sense that my girlfriend could not compete with what I was seeing on my computer on a near-daily basis. For the life of me, I could not penetrate her. I loved tickle porn too much to give it up.

Only after she broke up with me, mostly due to my inability to have sex with her, did I realize my mistake. My next girlfriend came into my life several years later. It happened to be at a time in our lives where both of us were pretty free, and spent a ton of time together. Too much time for me to get lost in my tickle porn collection. We took a lot of trips together where we would be together night and day. When sex was on the table, I still couldn't perform immediately, though. It took several tries, combined with weeks without tickle porn, to finally fix my erection problems. And eventually, I finally was able to penetrate a girl for the first time in my life.

My lesson, and the lesson that many young men are learning, is that porn addiction, which is equivalent to dopamine desensitization, is the primary reason behind the increasingly common occurrence of erectile dysfunction. To this day, I still occasionally lapse into porn addiction, with subsequent inability to get hard with my wife. It's a constant struggle. I love tickle porn and I will never give it up. However, I must force myself to take breaks from it.

That's my story. I masturbate to tickle porn and I won't give it up. But I have to take breaks, and not get carried away. When I have sufficiently reduced my porn watching, I still have to think about tickling to get hard for my wife. I'm actually not sure if you have the same problem, or if it was still a case of vaginismus. I think either way, reducing tickle porn consumption could help you. However, if it was vaginismus, I would also recommend opening yourself up more to meet more girls. Perhaps she was just not the right one for you, I'm sorry to say. Based on your posts here, I can tell you're a great guy, and I'm sure that one day you'll find an awesome girl that's right for you.

Wow, Omnifeller. Honestly, I had never thought about this issue of dopamine sensitivity, it is certainly something to be worked on...

In my case, luckily I don't have erection problems and I manage to get a hard dick with different stimuli that don't necessarily involve tickling. I was really into tickle porn from ages 17 to 27. Only when I had this crisis did my masturbations decrease. It actually lessened because I started taking a drug that left me with sexual dysfunction, so I was forced into it. Today, I try to masturbate less with videos and more with situations involving tickling that I have experienced in my life. Maybe it's a way...

Indeed, she had vaginismus. which made things difficult at the time. And because of all that, I always thought of myself as a sexual failure and blamed my fetish. Today, I'm trying to see it in another way, as a complement to sex. After all, I'm attracted to the woman and she's the one I want. If she is ticklish, she becomes a million times more attractive and much more desirable...

I'll think about this dopamine issue and try to satisfy myself more with my own thoughts. Since that time, I have never tried to have sex, so I hope that happens soon...

Thank you for your comment!

 

[Dark Crane]

Much of what has been recounted in this thread sounds familiar from my own life, so firstly, I'd like to point out that it's clearly not a situation unique to one person. It may not even be all that uncommon.

Secondly, I suspect that the majority of the "problem," to the extent that it is a problem, comes down to internalized psychological issues, shame, etc. A trustworthy therapist is the best solution for that kind of problem.

But also, not all of this is a problem at all. People are different. They get off in different ways, or maybe they don't get off at all. I'm no expert, but even I know that the asexual, etc., spectrum is wide. Just because society says you should behave in a certain way, that doesn't make society correct. Society is incorrect about many things.

Finally, I doubt that masturbation or the lack thereof has much to do with these issues. But I suppose I could be wrong about that. Regardless, shaming masturbation has done more harm than masturbation itself has ever done.

Yeah, I think this is a much more psychological issue than anything else...

The thing is, in my case, I don't think it has anything to do with being on the asexual spectrum. But much more a range of bad experiences I had and a guilt nurtured for decades that led to this situation...

I'm having a good psychological follow-up now and I think I'm much calmer about it. More and more I understand that my fetish does not interfere with my sex life. On the contrary, it enhances...

 

[Dark Crane]

I too identify with Crane's issue here.

This response from Omnifeller in particular resonates with me. I don't believe I can ever give up tickle porn entirely. Maybe for several months on the bounce (which I've done before), maybe a year, maybe two. But at some point, I'd be back. If I can replicate something along the lines of what Omni has going on, that'd be ideal. A détente of sorts with the porn. Treat it like a particularly ancient bottle of single malt in the bottom desk drawer, reserved only for certain times, never to be binged upon.

Perhaps I am being naive in thinking that. We all appear to have different capacities for what can be accomplished when it comes to this problem.

I just entered therapy to try and dig into some of the psychological facets, and to have accountability for the upcoming period of abstinence that's about to start. I just wrote a 21-page 'psycho-sexual timeline', wherein I recounted my entire sexual history. The summary being discovery of tickle porn in 1999 at age 14, various failed attempts at penetrative sex over the years, and amassing then recently deleting several terabytes of tickle porn.

The next step will be to abstain from the porn, start the re-sensitization, stop with the cheap dopamine hits. Avoid 'Mary Palm and her five daughters' - good lord The Libertine can turn a phrase lol. We're very lucky to have him here, sage advice delivered with wonderful humor as always.

I have a girlfriend of some six months now; the best and really the only proper relationship I have been in. She's hot, a sub, ticklish, indulges me, as I do her. I'm 38, she's 23, but we get on like age is nothing, we love each other. She's been super understanding of my inability to achieve and maintain an erection for penetrative sex thus far, and we have fun in the bedroom in all kinds of other ways. But it's a must for me to sort this out. Procreation is on the joint to-do list. She is aware that I just started therapy, the reasons why, and is fully supportive of that too and has even offered to attend sessions with me if need be.

Based on recent attempts at penetration, it seems to be partly down to the porn, and partly performance anxiety, despite how very comfortable I am with my gf. Removing the porn is step one, which I am expecting to start tomorrow after the next session with the therapist. The anxiety I think comes from having such a long history of failure to penetrate. For that, I am hoping the therapy and talking things through - experimenting - will pay off.

I will then add my voice to the singular mantra here - you are not alone in this, Crane (and everyone else).

How nice that she is understanding at this point, Dopefiend!

I wasn't as lucky as you were in that regard, but I really hope that one day I can have such an experience. I also think that in my case there is a lot of anxiety involved in having failed a few times...

In fact, to reiterate, I am a practical virgin. I never managed to penetrate because I only tried with one woman and she had vaginismus, my penis wouldn't enter her at all...

So, I don't know how to maintain an erection in this case, but I can get an erection with other stimuli besides tickling. So, I hope everything goes well when the time is right...

I am also having psychological follow-up and it is helping me a lot. I also want to have a baby one day and I hope you achieve your goals on your sex life!