relationship advice

[Chicago1105]

Hey all. I dont post here too often, but i wanted some outsiders opinions.

I did something terrible recently that I cant get over. I was drinking with a friend and things got out of control. Long story short, I ended up cheating on my girlfriend. We'd been having some problems lately, but thats no excuse for what I did. I feel absolutely horrible about what happened. I havent told her.. and I feel that if I did, I'd lose her forever. At the same time, I feel like I cant go on having this terrible guilt when I'm around her.

Has anyone found themselves in this situation? I'd love some advice.

 

[Carsomyr]

First you say you're remorseful, but then you say that you're considering lying about it? Two wrongs doesn't make a right, and quite frankly I think you're screwed either way so at least man the fuck up and do the right thing. Who knows, MAYBE she will agree to work things through with you, but if you lie you just dig yourself an even deeper hole.

Congrats on a capital fuckup though, but at least you're not making excuses. If you actually have the self-distance not to blame the alcohol or anything else, then surely you see how this is a no-brainer?

If I'm coming off harsh, let's just say things like these are very personal to me because my former best friend did a similar thing. He tried to lie about what he did, and let's just say that karma is a bitch. Had he told the truth he would have most likely still lost his girlfriend, but because he lied he also had a massive fallout with me and the rest of our mutual friends. The pressure made him snap, and he even attempted suicide at one point. My friends situation was kind of extreme and might not be entirely suitable for comparisons though, but even so, the damage is already done; don't be an idiot and make it even worse!

 

[Excess]

Drinking may be an excuse, but not a good enough one. If you're lucky she won't break up with you but I wouldn't hold my breath. But if you don't tell her then it's likely to come out sooner or later somehow. Shame you aren't a woman, cuz then you could play the "I've been feeling neglected, you drove me away" card. XD

But then I don't have a good track record with relationships anyway so I'm just basing this on observations rather than experience.

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

If the relationship is important to you, then be honest. To lie just bastardizes everything you think you have. Deal with it honestly. If you're meant to be together, it can only strengthen you both. If not, then you're not wasting your time by deceiving her...or yourself.

 

[badreligion]

You dun goof'd son .

All you can do is tell her the truth and hope her love for you is as strong as yours is for her .

 

[myth77]

You dun goof'd son .

LOL! Yeah, but seriously, you're gonna want to tell her about this. Like others have said, this sh*t has a nasty way of coming out anyway. That kind of secret was kept from me till after I married the guy. It was awkward to go around town and bump into some of the women from time to time. Don't look to salvage things...this sort of thing usually turns out to be a lesson you'll have to learn for the next relationship. It may work out, but don't add being a liar to the list of reasons it doesn't work out. For myself, I would've handled the truth better than the years of lying. Besides, she's a woman...she probably has a feeling already. It's not easy to hide guilt like that.

 

[Flatfoot]

Though you've said that you feel guilty, something you haven't really clarified is whether or not you still WANT to be with her. Do you? I'm not trying to justify what you did, but alcohol aside, there must be SOME reason you strayed (I don't judge one way or the other, because I've been on both sides of the fence.). Whether or not you decide to tell her, have an answer to that question before proceeding.

If you still want to be with her, you should definitely build up the courage to tell her what happened, AND be prepared for whatever may come of it. If you tell her and she decides to stay with you, be prepared for her to hold it over your head for God-only-knows-how-long. Don't be surprised if she scrutinizes you every single time you make eye contact with another woman, or makes comments whenever you look in a direction another girl HAPPENS TO BE STANDING in (Granted, trust takes time to rebuild, and even if she may be justified, this'll get old REAL FAST!). If you DON'T want to be with her, I'm kinda torn as to whether or not I think you should tell her what happened.

On one hand, you could end the relationship and NOT tell her you cheated, opting to not kick her while she's down, choosing not to hurt her further than she may be from your ending it. This way, you can do your best to end things on a relatively civil note while you're already on rocky ground and cut your losses without her knowing more than she needs to. However, this runs the risk of her finding out, anyway, and thinking you're a lying d-bag, and she'll resent you for hiding it from her.

On the other hand, you could choose to end the relationship AND tell her of your deed, which will be a huge dose of blunt honesty, will most certainly be met with hostility (her possibly breaking your stuff in anger, breaking you in anger, or saying embarrassing things about you to your friends and family, etc. She may be a lot more reasonable than this. I don't know her.), but you won't be a liar. You'll still be a cheater, though. If you choose to go this route, you might be able to soften the blow by telling her why you want to end it, what you did, and that because you respect and care about her, you want to end it before you do more things to hurt her (Keep in mind, in the heat of the moment, she probably won't see your reasoning until she's had some time to calm down and think about it!).

Whatever you do, if you tell her, do NOT blame the alcohol, because it's SUCH a lame write-off. If alcohol kept us from being responsible for our actions, DUIs wouldn't be punishable crimes. You can tell her you were drinking, but if she wants to blame the alcohol on your cheating, let her make that decision herself.

 

[Chicago1105]

I really appreciate all of the advice. And yea, you're right. I dun goof'd. Honestly, things had been really tough with us lately and we'd been fighting a lot. I think that we have both needed a break for a while now. I honestly dont know why I did what I did. Ive been feeling confused about how I feel about her and what I wanted out of everything. In the end I'm just a stupid guy who cant get his shit straight. Ill end up telling her. Its not that Im afraid of her hating me, because Ive accepted that thats what will most likely happen. I just hate making her feel awful because of something I did

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

Tell her that!

Cheating isn't the disease, it's the symptom.

 

[scorpionldr]

Hey all. I dont post here too often, but i wanted some outsiders opinions.

I did something terrible recently that I cant get over. I was drinking with a friend and things got out of control. Long story short, I ended up cheating on my girlfriend. We'd been having some problems lately, but thats no excuse for what I did. I feel absolutely horrible about what happened. I havent told her.. and I feel that if I did, I'd lose her forever. At the same time, I feel like I cant go on having this terrible guilt when I'm around her.

Has anyone found themselves in this situation? I'd love some advice.

Well, like the phrase goes, "shit happens when you party naked"

 

[texastickler]

Honesty is hard, but being caught in a lie wuld be harder. You will feel better in the long run if you just tell the truth. Believe me, it will be easier on her if she find out from you and not someone else. I know.

 

[Lamashtu]

How much do you care about her? Cause if you really really care about her, you’d want the best for her. And “the best” isn’t a person who cheats. You may worry about losing her, but because of your actions, no offense but maybe you deserve to lose her. I have no idea what either of you are like, but that is my guess.

Secondly, alcohol is never a viable excuse. Alcohol is a crutch to hobble on, for those that want an excuse for something that was already in them to do.

I have never found myself in this situation. If for some reason I did find myself there, I guess the alcohol would have led me to a realization. When I drink, sometimes I make self realizations cause when sober sometimes I lie to myself unknowingly. Sleeping with someone else, would have led me to a realization that I’ve probably been emotionally disconnected from the person for whatever reason, or that something generally wasn’t right and that action would be the outlet for it.
Wish you luck.

 

[c7_assassin]

Cheating isn't the disease, it's the symptom.

This, exactly.

Why you cheated is something you have to deal with before you can worry about what happens next. If you did this because of the problems you've been having, and you want things to be better with your girl, I think your only option is to tell the truth and try to work through it together. This didn't happen in a vacuum, and it doesn't automatically make you the bad guy if it's stacked against a lot of the bullshit that can happen in a bad relationship.

And if you want things to be over, then you couldn't have planned this better. Either way, I think you want honesty.

 

[Mirage]

Fuck honesty!!!

Don't torture that girl, just brake up with her and don't tell her what you did, at least it would not hurt her as much. It is better for some things to never being told.

 

[obama666]

Nearly all relationships will eventually suck. If you are a male you don't want to get caught in a big lie, little stretches and little fibs are more then acceptable. The worst thing a male can do is volunteer information, aka talk to much! If you are dishonest you will get caught! Is it really cheating if you are not married?

 

[myth77]

Is it really cheating if you are not married?

Depends. If there is an established understanding that two people are not going to see others, yes. If not, it's a grey area. If you're doing something with someone that you would not feel comfortable having your partner do with someone else, then maybe it can be considered cheating, but only if there is a mutual understanding of no 'extra-curricular' activities with others. Whatever one chooses to do, they should be very prepared for their partner to do the same thing. That's fair. Still a very valid question though.

 

[Myriads]

This is one of those cases where honesty is something that will hurt your partner.

You already were selfish when you cheated, now if you speak you'll be being selfish again, in that you'd be talking to remove your guilt, and leaving your partner to deal with your painful 'truth'.

Keep your mouth shut. Remember the lesson you learned, and move forward with knowledge that you won't err that way again.

Myriads

 

[Mirage]

You already were selfish when you cheated, now if you speak you'll be being selfish again, in that you'd be talking to remove your guilt, and leaving your partner to deal with your painful 'truth'.

Myriads

 

[kis123]

This is one of those cases where honesty is something that will hurt your partner.

You already were selfish when you cheated, now if you speak you'll be being selfish again, in that you'd be talking to remove your guilt, and leaving your partner to deal with your painful 'truth'.

Keep your mouth shut. Remember the lesson you learned, and move forward with knowledge that you won't err that way again.

Myriads

Sorry, I don't agree

There's no way this will just sweep under the rug. Trust me, I've been there and done that. My ex husband is my ex for a reason; first he cheated, then he lied repeatedly over and over again. Then when that didn't work, he tried to shift the blame on me because that's what a man does when he's not happy at home. Needless to say, he ended up alone at the end of the day.

To Obama666; if one's in a committed monogamous relationship and strays, it's cheating, married or not. If you're in love with someone and they don't have the respect to stay true to you, you're not going to want to stay with them. The trust is all but completely shot at that point.

To the OP; if you love her, tell her the truth. Telling the truth gives you a 50-50 chance of saving the relationship. Lying about it is almost a 100% chance of catastrophic failure.

Myriads, although you are certainly entitled to your opinion, I have to say that what you've suggested is probably the worst relationship advice I ever heard anyone give.

 

[Leo tickles]

Tell her. Sweeping a lie under a rug doesn't make what you did go away, nor the guilt.

It might end your relationship, but she deserves somebody that won't cheat on her, just like you... once did.

 

[Myriads]

Sorry, I don't agree

There's no way this will just sweep under the rug. Trust me, I've been there and done that. My ex husband is my ex for a reason; first he cheated, then he lied repeatedly over and over again. Then when that didn't work, he tried to shift the blame on me because that's what a man does when he's not happy at home. Needless to say, he ended up alone at the end of the day.

Myriads, although you are certainly entitled to your opinion, I have to say that what you've suggested is probably the worst relationship advice I ever heard anyone give.

I beg to differ. I feel your advice is a relationship killer.

He's not lying by not telling.

If the lady asked point blank "Did you have an affair" and he said "No" then he'd be lying. Very different from the situation he describes. If this was the situation he described, then I'd have advised something very different.

Right now his partner is blissfuly unaware of his actions. He's feeling guilty.

The OP made a bad choice. He regrets it. The only thing he accomplishes by telling his partner is 1) salving his guilt (A selfish action) and 2) Probably hurting his partner deeply and ending the relationship.

What value comes from destroying the relationship and hurting his partner all on the pyre of 'total honesty' about something that she is not even aware about? If he has indeed learned from his action then his best course is to be a better partner in the future, not mess up again, and get on with building his relationship. This was a bad thing to do, but he can grow and learn from it to become a better partner.

All talking does is poison the well, selfishly ease his guilt (which is the true punishment he's suffering) and lead to an outcome that is bad.

In the perfect world Honesty is always best, agreed, but if the goal is preserving the relationship, then here it's the lesser path. At the very best he'll cripple the relationship to a point where it will be barely functional, even if it survives.

We need to keep an eye on the OP's goal. Which is continuing his relationship. The fastest way to end something is to confess to an action that was 100% unknown by your partner. No trust will ever grown on that ground again. He might as well wave goodbye and just leave now and save himself the fight and ugly few days that talking will cause.

Myriads

 

[kis123]

I beg to differ. I feel your advice is a relationship killer.

He's not lying by not telling.

If the lady asked point blank "Did you have an affair" and he said "No" then he'd be lying. Very different from the situation he describes. If this was the situation he described, then I'd have advised something very different.

Right now his partner is blissfuly unaware of his actions. He's feeling guilty.

The OP made a bad choice. He regrets it. The only thing he accomplishes by telling his partner is 1) salving his guilt (A selfish action) and 2) Probably hurting his partner deeply and ending the relationship.

What value comes from destroying the relationship and hurting his partner all on the pyre of 'total honesty' about something that she is not even aware about? If he has indeed learned from his action then his best course is to be a better partner in the future, not mess up again, and get on with building his relationship. This was a bad thing to do, but he can grow and learn from it to become a better partner.

All talking does is poison the well, selfishly ease his guilt (which is the true punishment he's suffering) and lead to an outcome that is bad.

In the perfect world Honesty is always best, agreed, but if the goal is preserving the relationship, then here it's the lesser path. At the very best he'll cripple the relationship to a point where it will be barely functional, even if it survives.

We need to keep an eye on the OP's goal. Which is continuing his relationship. The fastest way to end something is to confess to an action that was 100% unknown by your partner. No trust will ever grown on that ground again. He might as well wave goodbye and just leave now and save himself the fight and ugly few days that talking will cause.

Myriads

Oh my goodness, are you serious??

If that's working for you, then great. But that doesn't work for most people and it darn sure wouldn't work for me.

Bottom line, the truth always comes out. Women are naturally intuitive and most of them know when their mate has strayed. They stay around because it hasn't been confirmed.

He can keep his mouth shut, but what if the woman he did the do with doesn't keep hers closed? That's how my husband's infidelity was confirmed; I knew he had cheated but stayed because he constantly denied it. But when she called me and told me about it then showed me photos, well.........that's one helluva confirmation isn't it?

If he would've told me the truth when I asked him, or allowed his conscience to work, we might have made it. But because he lied then allowed the other woman to tell me the truth, I was done.

He has a 50-50 chance if he tells the truth. If the other woman tells her, he's done, trust me. Omission of the truth is the same as lying; in other words, man up and tell the truth!

 

[Smuggy Bear]

I beg to differ. I feel your advice is a relationship killer.

He's not lying by not telling.

If the lady asked point blank "Did you have an affair" and he said "No" then he'd be lying. Very different from the situation he describes. If this was the situation he described, then I'd have advised something very different.

Right now his partner is blissfuly unaware of his actions. He's feeling guilty.

The OP made a bad choice. He regrets it. The only thing he accomplishes by telling his partner is 1) salving his guilt (A selfish action) and 2) Probably hurting his partner deeply and ending the relationship.

What value comes from destroying the relationship and hurting his partner all on the pyre of 'total honesty' about something that she is not even aware about? If he has indeed learned from his action then his best course is to be a better partner in the future, not mess up again, and get on with building his relationship. This was a bad thing to do, but he can grow and learn from it to become a better partner.

All talking does is poison the well, selfishly ease his guilt (which is the true punishment he's suffering) and lead to an outcome that is bad.

In the perfect world Honesty is always best, agreed, but if the goal is preserving the relationship, then here it's the lesser path. At the very best he'll cripple the relationship to a point where it will be barely functional, even if it survives.

We need to keep an eye on the OP's goal. Which is continuing his relationship. The fastest way to end something is to confess to an action that was 100% unknown by your partner. No trust will ever grown on that ground again. He might as well wave goodbye and just leave now and save himself the fight and ugly few days that talking will cause.

Myriads

Yes, but if a relationship, long lasting as it may or may not be, is built upon the pretenses of monogamy and TRUST, and one betrays that trust AND monogamy and keeps it a secret from the other, then is not that relationship, in and of itself, a complete fucking lie? No offense Myriads, I promise that I mean this with all due respect, but the shit you're spewing out sounds like something that someone tells themselves when THEY have cheated and not told their S.O. about it to rationalize and make themselves feel better. I can't think of any other reason, other than that someone expects that kind of thing to happen to THEM in their relationship, and hence not believing in monogamy, that someone would give that kind of advice...
Plus, omitting the truth is the ugly cousin of the blatant lie. They still belong to the deceit family...
I mean, I'm all for fucking around and promiscuity, really I am, but if you're gonna do that, do that. Don't lead someone on to believe that you're monogamous with them, then cheat and not tell them... It's bad karma, dewd.

 

[Knox The Hatter]

Cheating isn't the disease, it's the symptom.

Succinct. And very, very true...

 

[kis123]

Yes, but if a relationship, long lasting as it may or may not be, is built upon the pretenses of monogamy and TRUST, and one betrays that trust AND monogamy and keeps it a secret from the other, then is not that relationship, in and of itself, a complete fucking lie? No offense Myriads, I promise that I mean this with all due respect, but the shit you're spewing out sounds like something that someone tells themselves when THEY have cheated and not told their S.O. about it to rationalize and make themselves feel better. I can't think of any other reason, other than that someone expects that kind of thing to happen to THEM in their relationship, and hence not believing in monogamy, that someone would give that kind of advice...
Plus, omitting the truth is the ugly cousin of the blatant lie. They still belong to the deceit family...

It's called a relationship for a reason. If you can't relate, maybe you shouldn't be together. But omission from the truth is no different from a lie, IMO it could be worse.