What Will Be A Heartbreaking Ending...
I want to start this post by expressing my heartfelt appreciation for the support I have received not only during my mom's most recent ordeal, but also during the 23 months she's been ill. I have heartbreaking news to report, that just ten days ago would have shocked me..
St Clare's Hospital has refused to accept my mom as a patient. After the diagnosis last week of brain cancer, we had wanted to transfer her up there, for a hospital stay, evaulation, and treatment options. They have refused, essentially giving up on her. I dont know if this was as a result of the doctors in NJ, the doctors in Lancaster, insurance, or a combination of all. While I've always liked her doctors there, and that hospital, their decision, to put it mildly, disappointed, and angered, me. My father says that's an emotional reaction. Of course it is. Such is normal, when one is faced losing their mother in such a cruel way, in what will likely be a short period of time.
I dont know what, if any, other treatment options are available in Lancaster. I can investigate that option, but it probably wont be of much help.
Now, to the biggest heartbreak.. Due to my mom's incontinence, I will be forced to place her in a nursing home. I cant take care of her myself, nor do the doctors and nurses feel I should. She can feed herself, but needs to be changed, washed, etc.
My father has been very supportive. In fact, I've reached out to his wife via email. I wanted to open that door, since I really should, and, I cant expect to be part of his life, if I shun his whole life. I didnt tell my mom this.
I am incurring the wraith of my family. My aunt the artist accused me of "giving up", and throwing my mom in a nursing home. This, from someone, who didnt even visit my mom while we were up in NJ this summer. I never "gave up". I fought as hard as the system allowed me. I rode with my mom every week, last winter, 300 miles in a day, to get what we felt was the best chemo available. I lived with her, for 3 months in NJ, and spent thousands of dollars, for her to be treated by what we felt were the best doctors. How did I ever "give up"?
My mom is acting simply hateful to me, saying she hopes I have a horrible life, and get punished for what I'm doing. Everyone on this forum, and who knows me, knows how much I love my mom. I live with her, take care of her, went to every doctor visit, stayed at every hospital, and fought for both her and me, for 23 months, and before. I would do anything for her. I have done anything for her, within my power, to help her during these past almost two years, and before. The nurses say this is the tumor talking, and not her.
I dont know how long she has, or whether she will take any treatment. I'm just about to give back papers for a nursing home. Lancaster General wants her out. I had to come home to gather financial information.
I plan to visit her in the home, every day, even though she said she hates me, and doesnt want to see me. I keep hoping and praying that at the end, whenever that is, that she will soften, so she and I can share a tearful goodbye.
Any adjective one can use can describe how I'm feeling. Shattered. Devestated, Crushed. I know that when the day comes that God does take my mom, my post on the forum will be worded something like.. "Today.. at whatever time.. my beloved mother, Sheila, passed away. She was the greatest gift God has ever given me, and now he has called her home. I hope she is happy in heaven and out of pain. I imagine a big party in heaven tonight, with all of our relatives who have passed on, celebrating her arrival. God and my relatives will now take care of her, as they know her loving son has done all he can. Rest In Peace, my darling mother, I love you forever. We will be reunited in Heaven one day." I'm crying as I'm writing this part. I could never have imagined this is what would be.
I will stay in Lancaster until she passes. Then, will move back to NY, likely to a country area in northern Bronx called Riverdale. My mom will be buried at Mount Hebron Cemetery in Queens, in the same cemetery as her parents. My father will help me with the arrangements.
I dont know, medically, how long she has. I would like to get some time frame of prognosis, with any treatment, and without.
Once again, my heartfelt thanks to everyone. You guys are awesome. I apologize for any negative statements I have made about this forum. My friends have been here for me in my darkest days. Words cannot express how much that means to me.
After my mom is let out of the hospital., I will be home, and around forum on a regular basis. I will of course let everyone know when she passes.
Mitch
