My father was here today, and as usual, he took his anger and aggression out on me.
I had previously shown him drawings my aunt the artist did for the concept business I want to do, and he didnt like them.. Soo. she did other drawings, which I showed to him today. He still rejected them, calling the chance I can get a business started "Less Than 50-50". Highly supportive. He also again told me, after I asked him not to, that the "Easiest thing for him to have done would have been not to have taken my phone call" when my mom was diagnosed with the brain cancer. This made me want to knock his block off.
Additionally, when I told him that I really wasnt ,looking foward to Thanksgiving, to again be with the cousins who have repeatedly attacked me, he told me "Sandy. (The bitch who attacked my mom 24 hours after I buried my mom) truly does care. Uh, yeah, she cares. She's contacted me.. so many times since I've been in NY. (Never, but she knew how to attack me).
He told me. "You have a shot to have a real life, if you dont fuck it up". Never once taking responsibility for what he did to cause me trouble. When he came into my apartment, my closet was messy. He promptly opened my closet, and admonished me.
He suggested that I "Go into the Forest Hills Jewish Center" to look for work, not specifying what it is I should do. When I asked him what he thought I should do to have a future, his reply was "Something will come up".
Bottom line, he's having a field day doing just as he pleases with me. Two minute phone calls, seeing me rarely, making it mandatory that I see people who are abusive, not having any constructive suggestions for my future. He also told me that I should by now "Be over" my mom.
Unfortunately, I'm trapped because of my rent. The RX is that.. I would love to tell him to go fuck himself, permanently. I realize that many people have to put up with abusive bosses. He';s my abusive boss, and not a father by any stretch of the imagination. People who care about their children, have concrete suggestions for their future, and dont tell them the easiest thing to do is to let them drown. All those times that he threatened my mom's alimony for 20 years.. am I supposed to say that the easiest thing for me to have done would have been to lost it, and beat the hell out of him?
The other thing about the business: I feel that its highly likely he is just jerking me around.. and telling me to do more and more work on it.. to then continue to discourage me to do it. He had said many times that he wasnt going to make a commitment to help me with it. When I merely asked him to clarify himself today. he snapped at me, saying "I'm not going to discuss it with you again, I told you I was going to help you set it up, and then step back". This is a lie. He never once said that.
I dont know what the answer is. In Lancaster, with the big apartment I had for cheap,. I could have gotten a low wage job, and a roommate, and covered my rent. Such isnt possible here because my place is less than half the size as there, and I have no room for a roommate.
I'm feeling very downhearted. I could get a job 100 hours a week doing the most menial work, and still not be able to be free of him, because it wouldnt give me enough to cover my rent.
What I think I'm going to do is to get one more set of drawings from my aunt, show them to him, and if he still doesnt do it, see a copyright lawyer myself, and try to do this without him.
It really is bad when one is doing everything an abusive person says, not asking him for money, seeing his family, not making demands, and they still treat you like shit. I cant even wish him to die, because if that happens, I'm in trouble financially, because in addition to my rent, hes holding all my money my mom left me, due to my creditors,. My only hope is to try and work my way out of this, slowly, so I can say goodbye. He's been given far too many chances, and I truly believe in my heart that we are better off estranged.
I had previously shown him drawings my aunt the artist did for the concept business I want to do, and he didnt like them.. Soo. she did other drawings, which I showed to him today. He still rejected them, calling the chance I can get a business started "Less Than 50-50". Highly supportive. He also again told me, after I asked him not to, that the "Easiest thing for him to have done would have been not to have taken my phone call" when my mom was diagnosed with the brain cancer. This made me want to knock his block off.
Additionally, when I told him that I really wasnt ,looking foward to Thanksgiving, to again be with the cousins who have repeatedly attacked me, he told me "Sandy. (The bitch who attacked my mom 24 hours after I buried my mom) truly does care. Uh, yeah, she cares. She's contacted me.. so many times since I've been in NY. (Never, but she knew how to attack me).
He told me. "You have a shot to have a real life, if you dont fuck it up". Never once taking responsibility for what he did to cause me trouble. When he came into my apartment, my closet was messy. He promptly opened my closet, and admonished me.
He suggested that I "Go into the Forest Hills Jewish Center" to look for work, not specifying what it is I should do. When I asked him what he thought I should do to have a future, his reply was "Something will come up".
Bottom line, he's having a field day doing just as he pleases with me. Two minute phone calls, seeing me rarely, making it mandatory that I see people who are abusive, not having any constructive suggestions for my future. He also told me that I should by now "Be over" my mom.
Unfortunately, I'm trapped because of my rent. The RX is that.. I would love to tell him to go fuck himself, permanently. I realize that many people have to put up with abusive bosses. He';s my abusive boss, and not a father by any stretch of the imagination. People who care about their children, have concrete suggestions for their future, and dont tell them the easiest thing to do is to let them drown. All those times that he threatened my mom's alimony for 20 years.. am I supposed to say that the easiest thing for me to have done would have been to lost it, and beat the hell out of him?
The other thing about the business: I feel that its highly likely he is just jerking me around.. and telling me to do more and more work on it.. to then continue to discourage me to do it. He had said many times that he wasnt going to make a commitment to help me with it. When I merely asked him to clarify himself today. he snapped at me, saying "I'm not going to discuss it with you again, I told you I was going to help you set it up, and then step back". This is a lie. He never once said that.
I dont know what the answer is. In Lancaster, with the big apartment I had for cheap,. I could have gotten a low wage job, and a roommate, and covered my rent. Such isnt possible here because my place is less than half the size as there, and I have no room for a roommate.
I'm feeling very downhearted. I could get a job 100 hours a week doing the most menial work, and still not be able to be free of him, because it wouldnt give me enough to cover my rent.
What I think I'm going to do is to get one more set of drawings from my aunt, show them to him, and if he still doesnt do it, see a copyright lawyer myself, and try to do this without him.
It really is bad when one is doing everything an abusive person says, not asking him for money, seeing his family, not making demands, and they still treat you like shit. I cant even wish him to die, because if that happens, I'm in trouble financially, because in addition to my rent, hes holding all my money my mom left me, due to my creditors,. My only hope is to try and work my way out of this, slowly, so I can say goodbye. He's been given far too many chances, and I truly believe in my heart that we are better off estranged.
