mariowuitomari
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- May 6, 2011
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¿¿??
I just saw this after a pretty bad day so this is about to be a novel! I apologize in advance and don't expect anyone to actually read all of this, but I NEED to vent in writing.
The worst period of time for me....
From the time I was 12 to about a year ago, honestly. Because I hardly remember before those years, and it's only been about a year or so that I've had my shit together mentally, at least enough that I don't think suicide daily. From 12-14, I was sexually abused by several men of about 45 yrs. old, and the abuse was orchestrated by a woman I had loved and trusted, who knew I'd had a bad childhood. A few years after that abuse stopped, my father died unexpectedly in the middle of divorcing my Mom, and she promptly moved in with the man she'd been cheating on my Dad with - leaving me to grieve and figure out how to "adult" on my own.
My dad died literally SIX DAYS after I broke up with my psycho boyfriend of 3 years, and he harassed me through the entire grieving process - and for years after. My ex also happens to be best friends with my brothers for some fucked up reason, and they allowed him to move into my old room when I moved out of the house. Which I had done because I didn't feel safe with my ex always around. In the year that my brothers and my ex all lived in that house, my last childhood house, all they did was throw parties and now the house is absolutely destroyed. My mother and I have had to go and clean it ourselves, little by little, because they threw garbage on top of our childhood things. I even went to the house today with my husband, trying to find some of my Dad's old things. It makes me sick. I actually have nightmares about going to that house.
On top of all that, in the past three years, I've begun to remember sexual abuse from my childhood, and most of my family has pushed me away because they don't want to give me any information about the abuse, don't want to be involved. So all I have are the memories, flashbacks, nightmares, and weird fucking photos. Nobody wants to "look bad", so they won't help. I'm pretty unimpressed with my entire family right now. I'm learning to let go of things, accept these people as they are, etc. etc.... but it's really hard.
Sorry for the super long post. I honestly feel better now, haha.
when i was in school...it was hell for me..constantly bullied and no one would do anything about it..so i did and got my self in a lot of trouble in high school
Most people on the forum who know me know this, and it isn;t a "Mitch Personal Rant", so I can probably post it.
The period between the time that my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer in March 2010, right through her passing in April 2012, and until I moved to NYC in June 2012. .
In those two plus years, I was only happy for four months, between October 2011, and Feb 2012, when we were told by the doctors that my mom was "Cancer Free". until the cancer returned, and spread to her brain in Feb 2012, and eventually took her life in April 2012.
I'm not going to really say any more, so as not to turn this into a "Long Rant".
As I said, those who know me, know the situation I went through.
There has never been any time in my life, that was worse than said time.
The worst period of time for me....
From the time I was 12 to about a year ago, honestly. Because I hardly remember before those years, and it's only been about a year or so that I've had my shit together mentally, at least enough that I don't think suicide daily. From 12-14, I was sexually abused by several men of about 45 yrs. old, and the abuse was orchestrated by a woman I had loved and trusted, who knew I'd had a bad childhood. A few years after that abuse stopped, my father died unexpectedly in the middle of divorcing my Mom, and she promptly moved in with the man she'd been cheating on my Dad with - leaving me to grieve and figure out how to "adult" on my own.
My dad died literally SIX DAYS after I broke up with my psycho boyfriend of 3 years, and he harassed me through the entire grieving process - and for years after. My ex also happens to be best friends with my brothers for some fucked up reason, and they allowed him to move into my old room when I moved out of the house. Which I had done because I didn't feel safe with my ex always around. In the year that my brothers and my ex all lived in that house, my last childhood house, all they did was throw parties and now the house is absolutely destroyed. My mother and I have had to go and clean it ourselves, little by little, because they threw garbage on top of our childhood things. I even went to the house today with my husband, trying to find some of my Dad's old things. It makes me sick. I actually have nightmares about going to that house.
On top of all that, in the past three years, I've begun to remember sexual abuse from my childhood, and most of my family has pushed me away because they don't want to give me any information about the abuse, don't want to be involved. So all I have are the memories, flashbacks, nightmares, and weird fucking photos. Nobody wants to "look bad", so they won't help. I'm pretty unimpressed with my entire family right now. I'm learning to let go of things, accept these people as they are, etc. etc.... but it's really hard.
Sorry for the super long post. I honestly feel better now, haha.
I can sympathise with some of you here. I too had trouble fitting in in school. I wasn't bullied (or if I was, it was passive in nature), but I was often reminded that I was something of an ugly duckling at school. The boys in my class didn't acknowledge my presence when I tried joining a conversation or just standing in their circle. I always stood outside of it. Oddly I got along better with the girls in my class, but feeling different left a mental scar in me. An inferiority complex developed, and my mind would be flooded with worries like 'what did I do? did I say something wrong? why doesn't anyone want to talk to me? what's wrong with me?' Doesn't help that I have a skin disorder, which has a way of bringing your self esteem down. It still happens to this day, especially in social circles where I often feel lost, but mostly during rare panic attacks. I'm doing better now.
But the absolute worst moment in my life thus far was when I contracted an infection through my skin disorder (eczema), which caused a rapid wildfire outbreak that spread through my entire body. Made worse by the fact that I'd run out of my usual medication just before that and didn't bother to ask for any from back home, thinking over the course of the first week that I could handle it on my own. But it was a reaction I'd never experienced before. I had what seemed like a million red marks and weeping wounds all over me, head to toe. A week into it, my skin stopped itching and just hurt and burned more than anything else. The pain was unreal; I couldn't bend my arms even slightly without it hurting. The only thing I could do with minimum pain was to lay in bed.
One of my earliest posts here was a question about trusting our national healthcare with my condition, after reading some unpleasant things in the papers. Eventually it became so bad that I requested emergency sick leave, and my dad told me to rush myself to the hospital. Thankfully they gave me some strong antibiotics and steroid pills for free and sent me home. Within over a week I was back to normal. Those were the most hellish 3 weeks of my life, and I guess it goes without saying that I was the happiest guy in the world when I was finally cured.