Beating The Shame

Hello All,

After realizing just how deep my shame for my obsessions ran (tickling and feet) I consulted my counselor - she is a behavioral professional that I employ for other reasons than this issue. I told her in generic terms my obsessions and solicited her advice as to how to proceed. She had the radical idea of just admitting it to those closest to me. The reason being to determine once and for all if there was anything for me to be ashamed about.

Since then I have slowly read some of my female friends in on my obsessions (meaning urge but not necessarily sexual). I reached out to about 8 close female confidants. In mass they each said that there wasn't anything for me to be concerned about. Mind you I told each of them just how deep my obsession/fetishes could be. I even told those who I had fantasies about tickling and or urges to ask if I could tickle/massage their feet and so forth.

I thought for sure such admissions would change their minds. This did not seem to be the case. They were more concerned that these feeling bothered me so much. Now, none of them said hey, I would love for you to . . . . . But the acceptance by them was a huge boost to my self confidence.

This all sounds like great news, however the ladies I confided in have been my friends for a significant period of time. They could very well be bias towards me. I imagine if I were to ask people less familiar with me, they would provide a more true reaction. The other thing I did not ask any of them was if they would let me tickle them or whatever now that they knew - no need to push one's luck. Furthermore, it helps that I haven't tried tickling any of them at any point in recent memory before said admissions.

I gave them each a brief overview as well as how the fun may or may not be arousing to me at some point. These admissions by me were via text conversations. My counselor wants me to be able to talk to her about these obsessions/fetishes in less general terms. I shudder to think of this as a possibility. I can't even look directly at her during the particular conversation.

I asked her if anyone ever walked up to her - without previously knowing her - and asked if she wanted to have sex? She said it happened once. I said that is how I would feel - though it is not the same - if I asked a woman (that I know or otherwise) if I could touch/tickle her feet.

I think the next step is to reveal this information to a wider group of friends. Again, in a non face to face conversation. Again, the reason for this is to slay the demon of shame surrounding something that has been a big part of my life. If it was purely sexual, which some that I tell may think it is, I would keep it to myself and potential relationship candidates.

However, I do think my friends who might be effected (or is it affected) should know that my obsession exists, and act in whatever way they are comfortable post knowledge.

I will let you all know how I fair.

K

The only people that will ever know about my fetish, are people that I know are into it as well. other than that, I will live in the shadows.

Honestly, the only way you're going to get over your shame is through building your own self confidence. Knowing that you are a good person with no ill intent when it comes to your fetish and that you deserve happiness just the same as anyone else. You've gotten your answer from many of your friends already and I doubt your therapist would advise you to open up about it if she thought there was something harmful in doing so.

I don't necessarily agree that telling someone you're not close to would result in a 'truer' answer. Regardless of the specifics, bringing up a topic related to sex in any way with someone you're not familiar with could result in them being freaked out. I would imagine even if the specifics involved something vanilla - the timing and level of comfort might not be right.

Hello Chicago,

The photo on your signature is absolutely stunning by the way. I understand what you are saying. I think what we (the counselor and myself) are trying to do is get my depression to realize my fetishes are not a big deal. That is, nothing to be ashamed about. If I freak out some friends or weird them out to the extent that they shun me, I suppose I could live with that.

I think I would feel 100x worse if my fetishes didn't require willing consent. Even so, the idea that I fantasize and so forth is brutal. I also think my true friends should be armed with that information. I can't turn the urge off (that is the urge to ask to tickle or massage). I literally need to distract myself, avoid, or be depressed for that not to be an issue.

Thanks,

K

My counselor wants me to be able to talk to her about these obsessions/fetishes in less general terms.

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Why? There is only one person in the world who should be familiar with your fetish, and that is your significant other! I would definitely think it to be weird if someone I am not sexually involved with told me about their fetish, because it is none of my business and I frankly don't really care what floats their boat!

Honestly, I had a very large group of friends all through middle school and high school, and a lot of them were females. Around 8th grade when my urges became really intense, I let the girl I had been close friends with since kindergarten know that I liked feet. I didn't really know about the tickling yet. And she loved it. She was a cheerleader and was always on her feet for practice and whatnot so me giving her a foot massage became routine. Over time I told people one by one until it became a thing I didn't mind to talk to anyone about. I was never ridiculed, and they understood that just because I would rub their feet or tickle them it wasn't always sexual. There's a switch I can turn on and off to know that some things are innocent fun, and some things are the total opposite. So while I got to freely explore all of these different aspects of my fetishes, they were more than happy to indulge. I believe I was very lucky with my experience. Now I'm very open and experienced with feet and tickling. Don't sweat it. If a person lets it break your friendship, you didn't need that person in the first place

Hello all,

I think the reason I kind of want/need to confide in my female friends is because my fetish can involve them. That is the urge to want to as to tickle them. Essentially making them aware that I struggle, or use a lot of emotional bandwidth, to keep from asking them to satisfy my urge. It is literally that powerful. I told my close female friends - honestly - that I have banished my urges (which are not always sexual in nature) to the realm of fantasy. It can be directly related to them, not always in an amorous fashion.

Does any of this make sense, or am I delusional? Wouldn't you want to be armed with some truth regarding someone close to you? The only parties that this is an issue are the one's with feet I think are attractive, and or those who are attractive and ticklish.

Thanks,

K

I think the more you're open about it in a chill way, the more opportunities to play with people will arise. The more experiences you have, the less you'll feel so out of control with your feelings. At least, that's my opinion based on my own perspective. I know my feelings related to tickling we're a lot more intense when I didn't have an outlet for them.

chicago said:

Honestly, the only way you're going to get over your shame is through building your own self confidence. Knowing that you are a good person with no ill intent when it comes to your fetish and that you deserve happiness just the same as anyone else. You've gotten your answer from many of your friends already and I doubt your therapist would advise you to open up about it if she thought there was something harmful in doing so.

I don't necessarily agree that telling someone you're not close to would result in a 'truer' answer. Regardless of the specifics, bringing up a topic related to sex in any way with someone you're not familiar with could result in them being freaked out. I would imagine even if the specifics involved something vanilla - the timing and level of comfort might not be right.

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Here's the mic you dropped, chi.

Seriously, though, being on forums like this kind of helped me deal with the frustrations and discomfort about who I was as a knismolagniac. And while I don't feel a compulsion to involve women I know and would love to tickle, having a place like this to attend to that side of me probably helps me be a more balanced and likable person when I'm around them. Probably, unless I'm deluding myself that I'm a (platonic scenario) likable person.

I get shame when it comes to my 'lee side. I switched from a 'ler to a switch around...eight or nine years ago, I think, and mostly I'm happy to be a switch. There are those days where what I've heard termed as "The Crave" makes me feel dumb--thankfully I have plenty of friends I can either be honest with that about or that know me well enough to call me on my "I'm fine" bullshit And yes, most of these are online friends from the Community, and I understand that RP and such doesn't qualify as satisfying for everyone, but it helps me a lot.

~K

Foot and tickle fetishes in and of themselves won't ruin your life and shouldn't be cause for alarm, however it seems a lot of people that have them have other mental problems that do make their lives difficult, and a lot of times have no idea how to properly communicate or indulge their fetish or sexual desires, come across as bizarre and freakish, and then just conclude "Oh I guess my foot fetish went and fucked up my life, if it wasn't for this one specific fetish I'd be John Q Normal with a beautiful wife and satisfying career.

Historically this board hasn't really done well with telling people when they're saying odd shit, and it tends to just come into conversation when a women gets frustrated and announces "Holy shit can you guys stop with this shit in my inbox already?!". Which, historically, seems to have solved nothing, though I'd be lying if I said I knew of a solution.

I guess stop assuming the entire planet is out to get you and you specifically for getting off on feet and tickling and being willing to meet the world and it's social expectations at least halfway would be a good place to start, though.

Ok so, I don't see it as a shame. Honestly, its what makes everyone unique. I've had women embrace my sock and tickle fetish, and I've had women laugh at it. I try not to mention it until I know something goes somewhere. But honestly, it makes you unique, and why would you be ashamed of it?

I understand if you do not want word to get out, as I do not either. But it's what makes you happy, and what is the problem with that?

Comfort Eagle said:

Foot and tickle fetishes in and of themselves won't ruin your life and shouldn't be cause for alarm, however it seems a lot of people that have them have other mental problems that do make their lives difficult, and a lot of times have no idea how to properly communicate or indulge their fetish or sexual desires, come across as bizarre and freakish, and then just conclude "Oh I guess my foot fetish went and fucked up my life, if it wasn't for this one specific fetish I'd be John Q Normal with a beautiful wife and satisfying career.

Historically this board hasn't really done well with telling people when they're saying odd shit, and it tends to just come into conversation when a women gets frustrated and announces "Holy shit can you guys stop with this shit in my inbox already?!". Which, historically, seems to have solved nothing, though I'd be lying if I said I knew of a solution.

I guess stop assuming the entire planet is out to get you and you specifically for getting off on feet and tickling and being willing to meet the world and it's social expectations at least halfway would be a good place to start, though.

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Dude, you are awesome!

Thanks,

K

Hey Fonzie,

If it was limited to situation in which it were appropriate, I wouldn't mind it so much. When I literally have to expend significant amounts of energy not to ask to indulge my fetish with female friends, I feel that is a problem. If the nonsexual and sexual elements weren't so blurred with me, that would also make this less shameful (as it pertains to me).

I finally - through chicken shit methods - let my counselor know that one of the reasons I am usually downtrodden during our meetings is because of my obsession with knowing if her feet are pretty. She sometimes wears clogs or whatever and tends to let them dangle off of her foot. It is innocent to anyone who doesn't have a foot obsession.

I essentially revealed that I have tried to control my fantasizing of what her feet my look like, and trying to control the urge to ask her to show them to me fully. It literally made me depressed wrestling with those thoughts in my head during, and after session. She thanked me, and said it was very brave of me to divulge those feelings. Furthermore, she asked if I would like to switch to a male counselor.

I told her, that I will have to deal with this issue for the rest of my life. I asked if she would be working with me, knowing that I would be struggling, and or managing my obsessions. She said she absolutely wouldn't mind, and would love to continue helping me through this.

The only reason I feel the need to bring it up to friends, is if it is directly related to them. Plus, it would make me more comfortable if I were accepted with that knowledge. It probably doesn't make sense, but that is how I feel at this time.

Thanks,

K

kcantankerous said:

Hey Fonzie,
If it was limited to situation in which it were appropriate, I wouldn't mind it so much. When I literally have to expend significant amounts of energy not to ask to indulge my fetish with female friends, I feel that is a problem. If the nonsexual and sexual elements weren't so blurred with me, that would also make this less shameful (as it pertains to me).
I finally - through chicken shit methods - let my counselor know that one of the reasons I am usually downtrodden during our meetings is because of my obsession with knowing if her feet are pretty. She sometimes wears clogs or whatever and tends to let them dangle off of her foot. It is innocent to anyone who doesn't have a foot obsession.
I essentially revealed that I have tried to control my fantasizing of what her feet my look like, and trying to control the urge to ask her to show them to me fully. It literally made me depressed wrestling with those thoughts in my head during, and after session. She thanked me, and said it was very brave of me to divulge those feelings. Furthermore, she asked if I would like to switch to a male counselor.
I told her, that I will have to deal with this issue for the rest of my life. I asked if she would be working with me, knowing that I would be struggling, and or managing my obsessions. She said she absolutely wouldn't mind, and would love to continue helping me through this.
The only reason I feel the need to bring it up to friends, is if it is directly related to them. Plus, it would make me more comfortable if I were accepted with that knowledge. It probably doesn't make sense, but that is how I feel at this time. Thanks, K

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I don't think telling people you're close to is a bad idea, but are you planning to ask your female friends to indulge you? That seems to be where this is pointing.

kcantankerous said:

Hey Fonzie,

If it was limited to situation in which it were appropriate, I wouldn't mind it so much. When I literally have to expend significant amounts of energy not to ask to indulge my fetish with female friends, I feel that is a problem. If the nonsexual and sexual elements weren't so blurred with me, that would also make this less shameful (as it pertains to me).

I finally - through chicken shit methods - let my counselor know that one of the reasons I am usually downtrodden during our meetings is because of my obsession with knowing if her feet are pretty. She sometimes wears clogs or whatever and tends to let them dangle off of her foot. It is innocent to anyone who doesn't have a foot obsession.

I essentially revealed that I have tried to control my fantasizing of what her feet my look like, and trying to control the urge to ask her to show them to me fully. It literally made me depressed wrestling with those thoughts in my head during, and after session. She thanked me, and said it was very brave of me to divulge those feelings. Furthermore, she asked if I would like to switch to a male counselor.

I told her, that I will have to deal with this issue for the rest of my life. I asked if she would be working with me, knowing that I would be struggling, and or managing my obsessions. She said she absolutely wouldn't mind, and would love to continue helping me through this.

The only reason I feel the need to bring it up to friends, is if it is directly related to them. Plus, it would make me more comfortable if I were accepted with that knowledge. It probably doesn't make sense, but that is how I feel at this time.

Thanks,

K

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That is incredibly brave. You risked a lot of shame to be honest with your therapist like that, and I'm so SO glad to hear that she reacted professionally and with concern rather than anger. Now that she knows the extent to which your obsession fills your thoughts I hope she'll be able to help you find a bit of balance--you don't need to get rid of it, you don't need to become less yourself--just find balance.

~K

Hey Wolf,

I do not intend to ask them to indulge me in any form or fashion. I just wanted them to have insight on the struggle I deal with in the presents of some ladies. I told them that this obsession isn't limited to them specifically. Don't get me wrong, if one of them were to say "hey I'm down" that would be serendipitous. However, I am not setting out to achieve that end, it won't at any rate.

I literally feel shame over the fact that I have to expend so much energy not to give in to requesting/pleading for them to indulge me. I feel ashamed that I sometimes fantasize about them in my fetish daydreams (even in their presence). It will be interesting to see if any of them hide their feet around me as a response for example. I mean, I really can't say what the results will look like. I just know that I feel the need to tell them.

If it is to my detriment, at least they know the full picture.

Thanks,

K

Hey TKLVR18,

I really appreciate your praise. I was extremely concerned that she would feel uncomfortable - that still may be a possibility. She is attractive, so I am sure she has dealt with such issues before, though maybe not about her feet. Unfortunately for me, I also fantasize about tickling as well. I prefer tickling feet, but I can imagine tickling anywhere on their bodies. What I am getting at is that I is a problem regardless of exposed feet or not.

She even exposed her heel a few times dangling her shoe afterwards. This was clearly a habit, she did it all the time (as I would be hyper aware of) before I revealed my fetishes. Anyways, I have no idea where I am going with my response lol.

I am just glad that she didn't discontinue working with me. We are to delve into why I have such a fixation on both fetishes. My other mental professional (who is also a female) will be going over this as well. I essentially revealed my fetish to both of them, as I had with some of the close female friends involved.

Next week I am going back to reveal again, but this time in a weekly therapeutic group. I am trying to ready myself for that one.

Thanks,

K

kcantankerous said:

Hey Wolf,

I do not intend to ask them to indulge me in any form or fashion. I just wanted them to have insight on the struggle I deal with in the presents of some ladies. I told them that this obsession isn't limited to them specifically. Don't get me wrong, if one of them were to say "hey I'm down" that would be serendipitous. However, I am not setting out to achieve that end, it won't at any rate.

I literally feel shame over the fact that I have to expend so much energy not to give in to requesting/pleading for them to indulge me. I feel ashamed that I sometimes fantasize about them in my fetish daydreams (even in their presence). It will be interesting to see if any of them hide their feet around me as a response for example. I mean, I really can't say what the results will look like. I just know that I feel the need to tell them.
If it is to my detriment, at least they know the full picture.
Thanks, K

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So, what do you hope will come of these confessions? Do you think you'll stop feeling these urges, or that you won't feel them so strongly?

Wolf said:

So, what do you hope will come of these confessions? Do you think you'll stop feeling these urges, or that you won't feel them so strongly?

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Hello Wolf,

I want to arm the women (since they are directly impacted in a way) that I care about with the knowledge, so they can do with it what they will. If it creeps them out, they can disassociate with me (which would hurt greatly). I guess I just want them to know that it happens, and what struggles I deal with in their presence. Sometimes these urges are so strong that they cause me to get sad (much like what happened with my counselor).

I don't know what the result will be, I haven't seen any of the ladies I have told about this in person yet. I will see one of them this weekend though. Do they make sure their feet are covered in my presence, it is hard to infer due to the infrequent times we meet up.

I think it will make me feel better that they know. I want to get to the point where I am comfortable to admit my fetish, and move on. Right now it is hard for me to say the sentence "I like ladies with pretty feet" or "I like to tickle attractive women" out loud. I want to get to a point where I can say those things without a huge dollop of guilt.

Let me see if I can explain it a different way. My reaction to pretty feet is similar to my reaction to nice nude breasts. I tend to want to stare, fantasize about playing with them, etc. So when I see a nice pair of feet, It feels like I am staring at a topless woman through a window [that is, the woman is not expecting someone to leer at her breasts. In fact, she is unaware it is happening]. Obviously, a horrible comparison but hopefully you get what I am trying to convey.

Thanks,

K