Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,917
- Points
- 38
Surveys find that British comedy is far more personal than US comedy. That's no surprise... it's long been known that Americans leave U out of humour.
I took on a warehouse job, but found that I wasn't physically fit enough to do the work. So I gave the foreman too weak's notice.
Q: After much research, archaeologists have determined that the dinosaurs were killed by illicit drug use. What kind of chemical compound finally ended them?
A: A steroid.
I think I already told you guys that Yogi of Jellystone Park has developed a stutter. Even so, I'm telling you again. The news: bear's repeating.
Paleontologists did some model reconstructions and were stunned to learn that Pteranodon actually had far stronger jaws than Megalosaurus. Computer experts weren't as surprised... they'd long known that a Ptera bite was a million times more powerful than a Mega bite.
I was at a party the other night and was introduced to a doctor who does male to female reassignment surgery. In the age of cancel culture, I'm surprised this guy can stay employed... it's no secret he's a womanizer.
Q: A bust of Johannes Kepler is actually smarter than Johannes Kepler himself. How is this possible?
A: Johannes Kepler is just Johannes Kepler. His statue is also ein stein.
My Research Ethics professor wants an essay on animal testing cruelty. Looks like I'll be spending lots of time in the lab.
It's well known that history is written by the victors. Like the June Rebellion, for instance... it was written about by Victor Hugo in "Les Miserables".
My brother has a photographic memory. I think I have one too... mine's just taking longer to develop.
"I am." is said to be the shortest sentence in the English language. Interestingly, the longest sentence is the same exact length: "I do."
I spent my last 500 bucks on a new dog. I'm broke now, but should be getting the money back any day. The pooch is a golden retriever.
Long John Silver and his pirates had Captain Smollet and the loyal crew members trapped inside Treasure Island's stockade. He then called out for Smollet to meet a pirate envoy in the yard between them so they could discuss a truce. Smollet agreed, but only if Silver came himself. That's because there can't be more than three feet in a yard.
There's a nasty rumor going 'round that I'm bulimic! Why, the very idea makes me want to puke!
Before he became famous, Chef Boyardee worked on an offshore oil platform. Of course, at that time he called himself Rigger Tony.
Baseball bores my ass off, but my wife loves it so I have to attend games. To make things tolerable, I sneak in a bottle of booze... everything's fine until the bottom of the fifth.
Q: A normal cat has nine lives. How many does a radioactive cat have?
A: Eighteen half lives.
Satan's made a lot of improvements to hell... restaurants, cinemas, museums... but he's never put in a gym. He's the last guy who'd want to exercize demons.
Heard about the new MU COVID strain? I choose to think of it as Mad Cow disease.
I ran out of bird seed for my feeder and thought I'd try a scoop of ice cream instead. The results were unexpected... two red birds drove the rest off and immediately started sunning themselves. In retrospect, it wasn't so surprising... free ice cream was sure to incense baskin' robins.
Q: How many of the nation's honest, caring, faithful husbands does it take to do the dishes?
A: One to wash... one to dry... yeah, both of them.
Late breaking news: after studying many different breeds under strictly controlled conditions, the World Health Organization has determined that human-to-canine transmission of the COVID 19 virus is impossible. As of last night, they've released all test subjects from their kennels. I repeat: WHO let the dogs out.
* * *
I took on a warehouse job, but found that I wasn't physically fit enough to do the work. So I gave the foreman too weak's notice.
* * *
Q: After much research, archaeologists have determined that the dinosaurs were killed by illicit drug use. What kind of chemical compound finally ended them?
A: A steroid.
* * *
I think I already told you guys that Yogi of Jellystone Park has developed a stutter. Even so, I'm telling you again. The news: bear's repeating.
* * *
Paleontologists did some model reconstructions and were stunned to learn that Pteranodon actually had far stronger jaws than Megalosaurus. Computer experts weren't as surprised... they'd long known that a Ptera bite was a million times more powerful than a Mega bite.
* * *
I was at a party the other night and was introduced to a doctor who does male to female reassignment surgery. In the age of cancel culture, I'm surprised this guy can stay employed... it's no secret he's a womanizer.
* * *
Q: A bust of Johannes Kepler is actually smarter than Johannes Kepler himself. How is this possible?
A: Johannes Kepler is just Johannes Kepler. His statue is also ein stein.
* * *
My Research Ethics professor wants an essay on animal testing cruelty. Looks like I'll be spending lots of time in the lab.
* * *
It's well known that history is written by the victors. Like the June Rebellion, for instance... it was written about by Victor Hugo in "Les Miserables".
* * *
My brother has a photographic memory. I think I have one too... mine's just taking longer to develop.
* * *
"I am." is said to be the shortest sentence in the English language. Interestingly, the longest sentence is the same exact length: "I do."
* * *
I spent my last 500 bucks on a new dog. I'm broke now, but should be getting the money back any day. The pooch is a golden retriever.
* * *
Long John Silver and his pirates had Captain Smollet and the loyal crew members trapped inside Treasure Island's stockade. He then called out for Smollet to meet a pirate envoy in the yard between them so they could discuss a truce. Smollet agreed, but only if Silver came himself. That's because there can't be more than three feet in a yard.
* * *
There's a nasty rumor going 'round that I'm bulimic! Why, the very idea makes me want to puke!
* * *
Before he became famous, Chef Boyardee worked on an offshore oil platform. Of course, at that time he called himself Rigger Tony.
* * *
Baseball bores my ass off, but my wife loves it so I have to attend games. To make things tolerable, I sneak in a bottle of booze... everything's fine until the bottom of the fifth.
* * *
Q: A normal cat has nine lives. How many does a radioactive cat have?
A: Eighteen half lives.
* * *
Satan's made a lot of improvements to hell... restaurants, cinemas, museums... but he's never put in a gym. He's the last guy who'd want to exercize demons.
* * *
Heard about the new MU COVID strain? I choose to think of it as Mad Cow disease.
* * *
I ran out of bird seed for my feeder and thought I'd try a scoop of ice cream instead. The results were unexpected... two red birds drove the rest off and immediately started sunning themselves. In retrospect, it wasn't so surprising... free ice cream was sure to incense baskin' robins.
* * *
Q: How many of the nation's honest, caring, faithful husbands does it take to do the dishes?
A: One to wash... one to dry... yeah, both of them.
* * *
Late breaking news: after studying many different breeds under strictly controlled conditions, the World Health Organization has determined that human-to-canine transmission of the COVID 19 virus is impossible. As of last night, they've released all test subjects from their kennels. I repeat: WHO let the dogs out.
