Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,917
- Points
- 38
I was afraid that I wouldn't be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but that turned out not to be the case! So far, I've made better vases than anyone else in the class!
Q: How many in the US are likely to know the difference between the numerator and the denominator?
A: Only a fraction.
While I was driving through town the other day, the "check engine" light came on. I popped the hood to have a look, but it was still there. I guess it never hurts to make sure.
For a guy who was such an expert at golf, Tiger sure made a lot of basic mistakes. I mean, you're not supposed to use your wood on every hole.
My wife claims I'm no good in bed. I don't know how she can say that... I sleep till noon every day.
The complex human brain may seem like a major positive, but for the most part it's still a big gray area.
Not a single employer has any interest in hiring me, even though I can type over 70 words per minute! Seems like no one will be satisfied until they start forming sentences.
Recently, astronomers have spotted a massive boulder in the asteroid belt that's exactly 1,760 yards across. Never before have they been able to make such precise measurements: it's an authentic milestone.
I won the big race after my closest opponent tripped and fell face-down onto the pavement. Jesus, if there's anything I can't stand, it's a sore loser!
Mario lost his license and had his Kart hauled away after he ran over one of the game's other players. It was the first time he'd ever gotten Toad.
My brother nicknamed me "The Exorcist". That's because after I'm through visiting, there are no spirits left in the house.
I attended a water polo match this week and was appalled at what I saw! Those poor horses never surfaced once!
My dick is the most polite on any bus. When a young lady enters, it immediately stands up so she can sit down.
His recent legal action has reinvigorated Johnny Depp's career... producers are now interested in reviving one of his older projects and upgrading it with current incidents. The show will be called "21 Dump Street".
After months of trying, my wife finally told me she's pregnant! Those speech therapy exercises have worked wonders!
"I don't mind being a bachelor... for the most part, it's a ball. But I sometimes wonder what it's like to be married."
"I can help you there, pal. Just walk up to the first gal who won't have sex with you and buy her a house."
I've been known as a music innovator, but got kicked out of the concert hall for trying to play my guitar with a bow. Evidently that's a violation.
I haven't seen "Guardians of the Galaxy", but I understand it stars a fresh-mouthed vermin who's brought to life by special effects. Guess that's the crisp rat everyone's talking about.
I've heard about a kind of Japanese employee who's fanatically devoted to his employer... one who puts in long hours, does obligatory at-home assignments and spends even his leisure hours at company events. Such pressures cause him to become stringy and thin, with a greenish complexion and a tendency to snap easily. Colloquially, he's known as a Celeryman.
Cartoon characters from the 1930s must be insanely popular with the South Koreans. Word is they spend billions each year on Popeye dolls.
My cat Buster got himself a comb over and started tom-catting around again even though he's been fixed for years. I suspect he's having a 5th-life crisis.
Doctor: "How'd your penis get bruised so badly, Mr. Jones?"
Patient: "It happened in a surfing accident, Doc."
Doctor: "I see... it smacked the board when you fell off?"
Patient: "No... it got pinched between the halves of my laptop when my wife walked in unexpectedly."
* * *
Q: How many in the US are likely to know the difference between the numerator and the denominator?
A: Only a fraction.
* * *
While I was driving through town the other day, the "check engine" light came on. I popped the hood to have a look, but it was still there. I guess it never hurts to make sure.
* * *
For a guy who was such an expert at golf, Tiger sure made a lot of basic mistakes. I mean, you're not supposed to use your wood on every hole.
* * *
My wife claims I'm no good in bed. I don't know how she can say that... I sleep till noon every day.
* * *
The complex human brain may seem like a major positive, but for the most part it's still a big gray area.
* * *
Not a single employer has any interest in hiring me, even though I can type over 70 words per minute! Seems like no one will be satisfied until they start forming sentences.
* * *
Recently, astronomers have spotted a massive boulder in the asteroid belt that's exactly 1,760 yards across. Never before have they been able to make such precise measurements: it's an authentic milestone.
* * *
I won the big race after my closest opponent tripped and fell face-down onto the pavement. Jesus, if there's anything I can't stand, it's a sore loser!
* * *
Mario lost his license and had his Kart hauled away after he ran over one of the game's other players. It was the first time he'd ever gotten Toad.
* * *
My brother nicknamed me "The Exorcist". That's because after I'm through visiting, there are no spirits left in the house.
* * *
I attended a water polo match this week and was appalled at what I saw! Those poor horses never surfaced once!
* * *
My dick is the most polite on any bus. When a young lady enters, it immediately stands up so she can sit down.
* * *
His recent legal action has reinvigorated Johnny Depp's career... producers are now interested in reviving one of his older projects and upgrading it with current incidents. The show will be called "21 Dump Street".
* * *
After months of trying, my wife finally told me she's pregnant! Those speech therapy exercises have worked wonders!
* * *
"I don't mind being a bachelor... for the most part, it's a ball. But I sometimes wonder what it's like to be married."
"I can help you there, pal. Just walk up to the first gal who won't have sex with you and buy her a house."
* * *
I've been known as a music innovator, but got kicked out of the concert hall for trying to play my guitar with a bow. Evidently that's a violation.
* * *
I haven't seen "Guardians of the Galaxy", but I understand it stars a fresh-mouthed vermin who's brought to life by special effects. Guess that's the crisp rat everyone's talking about.
* * *
I've heard about a kind of Japanese employee who's fanatically devoted to his employer... one who puts in long hours, does obligatory at-home assignments and spends even his leisure hours at company events. Such pressures cause him to become stringy and thin, with a greenish complexion and a tendency to snap easily. Colloquially, he's known as a Celeryman.
* * *
Cartoon characters from the 1930s must be insanely popular with the South Koreans. Word is they spend billions each year on Popeye dolls.
* * *
My cat Buster got himself a comb over and started tom-catting around again even though he's been fixed for years. I suspect he's having a 5th-life crisis.
* * *
Doctor: "How'd your penis get bruised so badly, Mr. Jones?"
Patient: "It happened in a surfing accident, Doc."
Doctor: "I see... it smacked the board when you fell off?"
Patient: "No... it got pinched between the halves of my laptop when my wife walked in unexpectedly."
