Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,917
- Points
- 38
I entered a convenience store to buy a candy bar, but the damn woke clerk wouldn't let me make a purchase until I stated my preferred pronouns. I told her they were her/she.
Q: Which would you prefer to have: the finest ribs you've ever eaten or the tastiest hamburger you've ever eaten?
A: Neither. I stay away from pre-eaten food.
"How many hamburgers do you think you've eaten in your life?"
"That's between me and the city of Hamburg."
I was hired to direct a motion picture, but was fired while it was in preproduction. I left without making a scene.
Hear about the thief who stole 5 cases of Red Bull from a blind shop owner? How can a guy like that sleep at night?
I'm attending community college and have signed up for an Ethics course, but the text book is terribly expensive. Therefore, I paid half-price for a stolen one; guess I'll find out soon enough if that was the right thing to do.
Masturbation releases dopamine that will improve your mental outlook. It can reduce your risk for prostate cancer, improve your cognitive ability and ever burn calories! It still gets you tossed off the bus, though.
My girlfriend and I had sex for the first time last night and my equipment really must have impressed her! As she headed for the door, she told me, "So long!"
Immediately following the 2022 Oscars, police dusted Chris Rock's face. And what evidence did they find? Fresh prints!
When my first girlfriend broke up with me, I kicked her cat. That was years ago and now regret the mean, thoughtless act. I've grown past petty revenge.
Q: What do you call a teenager who's stressed to the point of tears?
A: A teenager.
Ever read "The Mystery of Miss Piggy's Backside"? I've got to warn you, it's a twisted tale.
The trial of Jesus went well for him at first. He survived direct examination, but was killed on cross.
A brand new Hitler biography reveals that he was a sausage vender before he got into politics. I have no trouble believing that: he certainly brat the wurst to Germany.
My girlfriend says she goes for handsome men. So... what does it says about me that she decided to stay?
"I'm getting married, dad!"
"Well, this is sudden! I'd like to meet the young man first. Tell me... does he have any money?"
"Oh, I can tell you two are going to get along famously! You have so much in common... that's exactly what he asked me about you!"
Gotta admit it... most of the writing in my emails stinks. Guess that's why they end up in the scent folder.
"If you really want to get into shape, you should do a few crunches."
"Sounds good to me! I normally buy regular Nestle's bars, but I'll eat any kind of chocolate to stay healthy!"
Being a bully isn't easy. Like if I'm at an empty beach... I end up having to kick sand in my own face.
Q: What should you do to a turtle if it's wasted?
A: First, throw it in the trash. Second, scold junior for not finishing his dinner.
My daughter brought her new boyfriend over to meet me and the little pussy wouldn't even look me in the eye! He just stood there staring at my shotgun.
One of Jesus' most popular miracles was that of turning water into wine. He had his followers drink the wine, insisting it was his blood. Yep, he sure was devoted to wine that night... it should be remembered, he got hammered soon afterward.
* * *
Q: Which would you prefer to have: the finest ribs you've ever eaten or the tastiest hamburger you've ever eaten?
A: Neither. I stay away from pre-eaten food.
* * *
"How many hamburgers do you think you've eaten in your life?"
"That's between me and the city of Hamburg."
* * *
I was hired to direct a motion picture, but was fired while it was in preproduction. I left without making a scene.
* * *
Hear about the thief who stole 5 cases of Red Bull from a blind shop owner? How can a guy like that sleep at night?
* * *
I'm attending community college and have signed up for an Ethics course, but the text book is terribly expensive. Therefore, I paid half-price for a stolen one; guess I'll find out soon enough if that was the right thing to do.
* * *
Masturbation releases dopamine that will improve your mental outlook. It can reduce your risk for prostate cancer, improve your cognitive ability and ever burn calories! It still gets you tossed off the bus, though.
* * *
My girlfriend and I had sex for the first time last night and my equipment really must have impressed her! As she headed for the door, she told me, "So long!"
* * *
Immediately following the 2022 Oscars, police dusted Chris Rock's face. And what evidence did they find? Fresh prints!
* * *
When my first girlfriend broke up with me, I kicked her cat. That was years ago and now regret the mean, thoughtless act. I've grown past petty revenge.
* * *
Q: What do you call a teenager who's stressed to the point of tears?
A: A teenager.
* * *
Ever read "The Mystery of Miss Piggy's Backside"? I've got to warn you, it's a twisted tale.
* * *
The trial of Jesus went well for him at first. He survived direct examination, but was killed on cross.
* * *
A brand new Hitler biography reveals that he was a sausage vender before he got into politics. I have no trouble believing that: he certainly brat the wurst to Germany.
* * *
My girlfriend says she goes for handsome men. So... what does it says about me that she decided to stay?
* * *
"I'm getting married, dad!"
"Well, this is sudden! I'd like to meet the young man first. Tell me... does he have any money?"
"Oh, I can tell you two are going to get along famously! You have so much in common... that's exactly what he asked me about you!"
* * *
Gotta admit it... most of the writing in my emails stinks. Guess that's why they end up in the scent folder.
* * *
"If you really want to get into shape, you should do a few crunches."
"Sounds good to me! I normally buy regular Nestle's bars, but I'll eat any kind of chocolate to stay healthy!"
* * *
Being a bully isn't easy. Like if I'm at an empty beach... I end up having to kick sand in my own face.
* * *
Q: What should you do to a turtle if it's wasted?
A: First, throw it in the trash. Second, scold junior for not finishing his dinner.
* * *
My daughter brought her new boyfriend over to meet me and the little pussy wouldn't even look me in the eye! He just stood there staring at my shotgun.
* * *
One of Jesus' most popular miracles was that of turning water into wine. He had his followers drink the wine, insisting it was his blood. Yep, he sure was devoted to wine that night... it should be remembered, he got hammered soon afterward.
