Sharing my thoughts & situation

Hi I just wanted to share my thoughts and situation about a few things in my life. I will REALLY TRY not to ramble on but keep it short and sweet. I am 33 and an only child. I really want to get married and I was engaged, as some of you know, but that didn't work out (long story). I have had other relationships but they didn't work out for different reasons. I really want to have children but it's a shame it hasn't happened yet and I really want my parents to become grandparents. I think it would be a crying shame if that didn't happen for them.
Anyway, I met this guy Lee over the summer on the dating service that I belong to, as some of you know. We dated only twice and after a while after the second date I called him after a while and he said that he didn't want a relationship right now. I asked him if it was something I did and he said it wasn't so I just figured it was his loss so I moved on. Well he also has AOL and is on my buddy list and he IMed me just to say a quick hello and that was it.
Well, I was online last night and he IMed me again and told me that he wanted to date me again. He said he wanted to make out with me all night. I am just wondering, is he confused or something? He asked when we could go out and I told him Friday and he is supposedly going to call me then. I am not going to get too excited about it right now because I am not sure if he will or not. I don't want to be jerked around. Anyway, I just wanted to find out what people think about this.

Jen, Iam an only child too. Almost 36 and not married. Even though I'm a guy, I have thoughts on this issue for myself as well.
As for your situation, I've been in this situation myself. My best advice would be to go out with him if you want, but to take everything one date at a time, proceed with caution, and not put too much stock into it, unless and until you were to build a trusting relationship with him. This way, you keep things on an even keel. Be open minded and positive about it, yet cautious not to put too much stock into it, in case it doesnt work out. This is my best advice, and I hope it helps. If you ever want to talk more, please feel free to pm me anytime.
Have a good holiday, and good luck with him.

Mitch

As someone who has currently gone almost a year without dating (moving to a small town kinda does that to you) I understand a little bit about the desire to have children and make my parents grandparents, and some of the frustration. But I wouldn't compromise my principles to do such, and you sound kinda like that as well. Anyway, I would go on the date while holding a few of the cards on the table. Not being so guarded as to push him away, but enough to watch and see what his motivations are. Have fun, enjoy the date, but the out of the blue "im" would just cause me to walk cautiously, and maybe carry a big stick (or a can of mace, which ever is your preference.) just kidding... well maybe.

Oh and off topic... 300th post woo hoo

Take a deep breath.....slow down a bit.....tell him thanks but no thanks this time perhaps another......

R

Hey there, I dont know your situation (Im 33 and Ive been married for 6 years as of Dec. 17th) but I do have a freind in a similar situation, except he is the guy in this situation. He had a girl that he was dating for a few weeks then out of the blue called it off. My wife knew her (they worked togeather) and he gave her no reason. Well about 2 months later I talked with him (my life being crazy and such) and found out he actually started dating someone else. But when I talked to him he told me he stopped dating her because the other girl was closer to him and more "compatable" than the other. But now they had broken up and really wanted to date the other one again and asked me what I thought his chances where of a "booty call" with her and then hed see what would happen from there. I was shocked by this because I thought of him to be a truly geninue guy but alas...his hormones kicked in. I would be wary that he feels that he needs someone because he has no one else. You shouldn't have to be the one he "settles" for or he comes down with the wind asking for a make-out session. I would do what your mind tells you and I assure you if you really want to be married and have children then it will happen. I have an aunt that didnt marry until she was 42, had her first son at 44 and a daughter at 45..and shes never been happier.
Keep your head up...and you can vent to us here anytime.

Rob

I'd go with him but be careful about the "making out all night" part. This sounds a little suspicious...why all of a sudden does he want the whole experience in one night? If that's what you want also, that's different but if he really wants you that bad he should be willing do do it when YOU are ready, not just him. I wouldn't want you to get hurt if he was just trying to see what he would get...hopefully he's not like that. Good luck...hope all goes well!

I agree 100% with Venray just say no thanks maybe another time. The fact, out of no where he like emails you with some heavy things - not even a phone call, I don't know something just feel right.

Like most people have said it will all work out for you

venray said:

Take a deep breath.....slow down a bit.....tell him thanks but no thanks this time perhaps another......

R

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ticklejen hon i have to agree with venray on this one. i dont mean to hurt you at all, but he sounds like he was extremely horny when he imd you. but you probably know him better than i do. (which is not at all) but please whatever you do, realize that your desire for children shouldnt outweight what is right for you. you need to find the right guy first, the one who makes you happy, then think about children. you have plenty of time, and i can say this being a tad older lol take your time . you are such a sweetie i would hate to see you get hurt.

isabeau

I want to thank everyone so far for all of their advice I really appeciate it. I know Mitch from another post that you are an only child also but there's a difference. You are lucky to be a guy in way because as you know, you can have children when ever you want. As for me, being a woman I have that biological clock that's ticking.

As for me telling him no thank you well I am not sure about that because it's not like I have a line of guys at my door. Maybe IF he calls me, I will be with him but with caution. As for him being horny at the time when I was chatting with him I actually asked him if he was horny and he said he wasn't. So, I will see what happens.

he probably wasnt having success with other dates, and when he saw you online realized he didnt actually dislike you...so he threw his hat back in the ring.

take a nice bicycle ride around old city and think it all through. then eat 2 philly cheesesteaks...one at pats, one at genos.

then compose birthday songs of praise to the baron.

ticklejen said:

I want to thank everyone so far for all of their advice I really appeciate it. I know Mitch from another post that you are an only child also but there's a difference. You are lucky to be a guy in way because as you know, you can have children when ever you want. As for me, being a woman I have that biological clock that's ticking.

As for me telling him no thank you well I am not sure about that because it's not like I have a line of guys at my door. Maybe IF he calls me, I will be with him but with caution. As for him being horny at the time when I was chatting with him I actually asked him if he was horny and he said he wasn't. So, I will see what happens.

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Hello jen:

You seem like a really nice person who is concerned about missing out on motherhood. I hope what I say next isn't hurtful or seemingly disrespectful towards your situation:

I'd take Venray's advice and here's why....

This guy hung you on a hook in the name of finding someone "better". When he didn't find what he thought, he back-tracked to you.

Sometimes we women wear our issues around us like billboards and guys can pick up on it. He might not know what your issue is, but he suspects you have one. He's talking about making out and not getting to know you better as a woman and a person-that screams "RUN" all over the place!

So what-you are in your thirties and childless!
So what-you are lonely and want companionship-you've already took the chance by posting on an internet dating site. There are some nice guys there but there are some serious "froot-loops" out there who prey on sweet natured lonely women too.

I'm not trying to be mean or to tell you he's not the one. But if he's willing to wait and properly pace your courtship, then he's worth it. If he isn't and keeps popping out of the blue to see if you're still available for him to "make out all night long" with, he simply ain't worth it!

You deserve the best, but if you don't make him treat you right, he won't.

I know what I'm talking about, when I split from my ex I stayed by myself for six years. I needed to change things about me that attracted me to losers. I needed to respect myself and not put my destiny in the hands of a man-that belongs to me to control, not him. Think I wasn't lonely? Yeah I was. Think I didn't want someone to make out (and everything else with)? Yeah, I did-spent a lot of nights looking up at my ceiling in total frustration and tears. But it was worth every minute of pain because I think I found someone who treats me better than any man I've ever met before. He doesn't have much, but he shares with me. He has issues, but didn't run when my entire world fell apart recently. He didn't bail out on my when the bottom fell out-he was patient and caring, not understanding what was going on but wanted me over the mess. He's not my type physically, but he's worth giving to chance to know better. That's the type of person who you want kids with, not someone who picks over you and comes back acting as if you have nothing else better to do. Treat him the way he treated you. If he can stand the heat, go out on the next date. Don't make yourself too available to him-he's subject to walk all over you.

These are just a few suggestions from an old-school-player and not intended to harm in any way. In the end, the decision is yours to make. I hope everything works out to your best.

I think Isabeau and Ray (et. al.) have hit the nail on the head.

You want marriage. This guy wants a date. That is not the same thing. (In case you're in doubt - "date" for most guys is synonymous with "sex.")

We don't know each other so maybe it's not my place to point this out... (but I will anyway.) You describe your parents' need to be grandparents as strongly as your need to be a mother.

I'm a grandparent. It's terrific. I spoil 'em rotten and send them home. Basically, it's my job to say "yes" fairly often and have fun with them.

Their mom and dad have to take care of them 24/7. The parent's job most often is to say "no" and this will upset them. Of course, there are lots of great moments in parenting. I loved being a dad too. Just make sure this is something you want and are ready for. That is what's best for every child.

I really appreciate your responses but I want to make a few things quite clear. I am ready to be a mother, first for myself and not just so my parents can become grandparents. Although of course that would be a bonus. Also, kis123 you say he suspects that I have an issue/es. Respectfully what makes you say that he thinks I have an issue/es? Actually, HE'S THE ONE WHO BROKE UP WITH ME! I didn't break up with him. The fact that now all of a sudden he wants to go out with me is suspicious. It seems like he has a problem. So, I will be very careful.

Also kris123 we've only went out twice so I'm not sure how he could tell I have an issue/es. Respectfully, like I said we went out twice so how could he tell that? I read what you've been through and I am sure it was rough for you but it's good you're in a nice relationship now. I mean truthfully no one's life is perfect and everyone has baggage. It's just a question of how much someone has. He even asked me if we could have sex and I said no because I wanted to wait at least a month or two to get comfortable with him so hopefully he'll respect that because if he doesn't then he's not for me. Sole Seeker when you say that I want marriage and he wants a date, they aren't the same thing that's true. However, as you know dating someone sometimes leads to marriage if they are the right person for you.

jen i didnt mean to imply that he was horny. i'm sorry if thats how it seemed to you. you know him, i dont. and yes you are in your thirties and maybe its not my place to say anything, but you do have time for children. heck you can have children all the way up to fifty years old. now i know youdont want to wait that long i'm just giving you facts. its up to you how you wish to handle this. and pm me if ever you need any help. as someone who wanted children soooo badly, i feel your pain. and i did get pregnant three times. but lost all three at birth. just take your time is all i am saying

isabeau

ticklejen said:

I really appreciate your responses but I want to make a few things quite clear. I am ready to be a mother, first for myself and not just so my parents can become grandparents. Although of course that would be a bonus. Also, kis123 you say he suspects that I have an issue/es. Respectfully what makes you say that he thinks I have an issue/es? Actually, HE'S THE ONE WHO BROKE UP WITH ME! I didn't break up with him. The fact that now all of a sudden he wants to go out with me is suspicious. It seems like he has a problem. So, I will be very careful.

Also kris123 we've only went out twice so I'm not sure how he could tell I have an issue/es. Respectfully, like I said we went out twice so how could he tell that? I read what you've been through and I am sure it was rough for you but it's good you're in a nice relationship now. I mean truthfully no one's life is perfect and everyone has baggage. It's just a question of how much someone has. He even asked me if we could have sex and I said no because I wanted to wait at least a month or two to get comfortable with him so hopefully he'll respect that because if he doesn't then he's not for me. Sole Seeker when you say that I want marriage and he wants a date, they aren't the same thing that's true. However, as you know dating someone sometimes leads to marriage if they are the right person for you.

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I had a feeling I messed this up. Please let me try to clean this up.

Obviously I offended you-I apologize because I really didn't mean to.

As you've already said, everyone has issues/baggage. It's up to the individuals involved to determine what luggage they want to carry.

For starters, if he's already asked about sex after how many dates, would you really think he'd be the right one? I'm glad you don't think so, but it leads me back to a point. What are his true intentions towards you should be most important. If he's talking about making out "all night long" and he's already asked about sex, it's getting clear what direction he wants to go. If you feel the same way, that's great-you're both adults. If not, then you have to determine what's in your best interest.

I DO NOT INTEND to assume I know you at all. I know a lot of guys can spot women who MAY have some issues. Not all guys are predators, but some are (and yes so are some women too). They look for perceived weakness and exploit it to their advantage. Since I've been through those types of relationships (for lack of a better term), I just wanted to give you a possible heads up and something to look for while you're dating anyone, not just him in specific.

I hope I cleared the air a bit. I'm not trying to tell you what to do. Once again, I'm making some observations/suggestions based on MY experience. In the end, you will do what you feel is best for yourself. And I wish you well in that decision.

listen to kis, ticklejen, she is one smart lady.

isabeau

isabeau said:

listen to kis, ticklejen, she is one smart lady.

isabeau

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I appreciate the compliment, but I'm not always as smart as I intend to be. I really didn't mean any harm towards jen and hope only for her happiness.

Sometimes I wonder how I get myself in these situations. Then again.....it's pretty friggin' obvious sometimes too.

Okay kris I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. I really appreciate your concern. If he actually does call me, then I will go out with him but use CAUTION. I will not have sex with anyone until I am ready and he should respect that. All I am trying to say is what you've already acknowledged that you don't know me. Yes, I do have issues, we all have issues.

I appreciate you "cleaning up" what you said before. I will definitely keep what you said in mind. Isabeau I am not upset that you thought he was horny while we were IMing because that's what I thought also. When I asked him, he said he wasn't. So, I'll keep this forum posted as to what happens.

I didn't read any of the other responses, because I'd rather give you my gut reaction.

You stated what you were looking for. He stated what he was looking for. While what he's asking doesn't necessarily rule out the possibility of meeting what you want down the road, it also doesn't promise it. If you want to hang, make out, whatever and allow that to be all there is to it, fine. If you want more, make that clear up front. Then, see what happens. Either way, good luck.

Ann

I just want to say that he told me while IMing that he was going to call me that Friday or as it is now last Friday. Well Lee didn't call me oh well I don't want to be jerked around. It's his loss not to date me again . So I will just move on.

ticklejen said:

I just want to say that he told me while IMing that he was going to call me that Friday or as it is now last Friday. Well Lee didn't call me oh well I don't want to be jerked around. It's his loss not to date me again . So I will just move on.

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Jen:

My thoughts are divided on this. My first thought is to say I'm sorry that you even had to go through this at all with this man. You seem like a very sweet-spirited person who deserves to be treated like a queen.


My second thought is that he's a jerk who probably would've used you anyway and he's doing you a favor by showing you what he's really about right in the front of the "relationship." The good news is that you haven't wasted too much time on him emotionally, and he got nothing from you physically.

You deserve the best and to be the #1 choice, not an afterthought. I do wish you the best in your pursuit of happiness. Please don't settle for less than the best for yourself. It's hard in the dating/relationship world, especially after 30. But if you hang in there, someone is there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Don't be like me and waste my youth on parasites and total losers. I even had children with these clowns-thank goodness they aren't like their fathers.

I have complete faith in you and look forward to the post that tells us about the new wonderful man in your life that you're glad you waited for.

I'll make this short and sweet. I think the guy got horny, looked through his little black book, and remembered you. My advice would be to politely decline his invitation, and if he persists, then you should more firmly tell him to go pound sand.

drew70 said:

I'll make this short and sweet. I think the guy got horny, looked through his little black book, and remembered you. My advice would be to politely decline his invitation, and if he persists, then you should more firmly tell him to go pound sand.

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I agree completely. He wasn't treating you as "Miss Right"...more like "Miss Right Now". Drop this chump, and find someone who actually follows through on what they say their going to do.

I'm a firm believer in following your gut instinct....in my experience, it's right nearly 99.99999999999999% of the time.

I want to thank everyone for their responses I really appreciate your concern. Kis, I especially want to thank you for your kind response. You seem like a very nice person also. I am sure I will find the Mr. Right I am seeking.


Well I won't worry about that jerk. I will just move on.