Escape

This is a poetic prologue to my upcoming story The Shore

Escape

The alarm clock rings
The coffee gets made
I make the kids lunch
The kids go to school

My Husband wakes up
My husband takes a shower
My husband gets dressed
I make my husband breakfast
My husband goes to work

I go for a jog
I take a shower
I tend the Garden
I do the laundry
I plan dinner

My kids come home
I make my kids do their homework
I cook dinner
I make my kids wash their hands before dinner

My husband comes home
My husband kisses me hello
My husband doesn’t wash his hands before dinner
We eat dinner

I clear the dishes
My husband works in his study
My kids watch TV

I finish the dishes
I play with my kids
I play with my husband
I set the alarm clock

Something must change…

jj82277 said:

Something has to change…

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^ ...The peotry is serious, but I smiled because this last line has the biggest impact for something you obviously have construed...

Good luck to the story...and avoid landing the cliche.

nice job sweety

I like it. You lull us to sleep with your short simple sentences and repeated use of "I", "My" and "The". You describe a typical day for an average housewife, which also puts the reader to sleep. When I say sleep, I don't mean boring. I mean you lower our defenses. Then at the end you hit us with "Something has to change" which is kind of like a snap jab to the nose to wake us up and alert us the action begins now. I offer up only one style critique. I would write "something must change" instead of "something has to change". You have it in a passive voice and "must" or "will" is active. This is all English nerd bullshit, but I can't help it. This is a style not grammar suggestion and since it is in a poem, it doesn't really matter. I just thought since your character is departing from the norm, your line should have more umph. I look forward to your story.

DimpleToes said:

nice job sweety

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Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, thanks mom.

very good!!

It has to change or we may see an edit like this...

I finish the dishes
I play with my kids
I play with my husband
I stick a gun in my mouth
My husband sets the alarm