c7_assassin
3rd Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2007
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It is a scientific fact that nobody likes Michael Cera.
Everything in nature, from the mosquito to the microbe, scorns and despises him. They once tried starving a pond full of leeches to see how long it would take them to begin sucking Michael Cera's blood; after eleven days all the leeches grew hands and committed seppuku one by one in front of the stunned reseachers. The reason his voice is so croaky is that his own internal organs hate him so much they keep trying to leap to freedom whenever he opens his mouth. Growing up, he believed that 'love' was when your classmates briefly took your head out of the toilet so that your mother could punch you in the stomach.
What has not been accepted by the international community (yet) is that I should have the legal right to stalk and kill him as I would a barking dog or a trashcan-tipping racoon. This must change; the combined wisdom of Darwin, Thomas Hobbes, and Abraham all demand that he die.
1) His body is an obscene mockery of the human form.
While human males have arms and legs made of bone and sheathed in a protective layer of muscle and fat, Michael Cera's limbs are composed primarily of stretched and banded vaginas. This gives them their flimsy, stringlike appearance. Michael Cera's face looks like somebody glued a turkey vulture onto another turkey vulture's ass. Michael Cera moves with all the grace and agility of a donkey losing a fight with a carnivorous ant colony. Every time Michael Cera smiles, a baby goes blind.
2) He is already 22 years old.
Michael Cera is 22 and has not yet hit puberty. This could be because literally every person he has ever known has tried to castrate him, but it is equally possible that his own testicles are joining in the fight to stop Michael Cera from contaminating the human race. We must not let their brave sacrifice go to waste.
Biologically, Michael Cera is already past his sexual prime. The hump is over, but as long as blood goes to the shrivelled, purplish pustule that is Michael Cera's penis, the unthinkable can still happen.
3) He has a mysterious power over women.
Having little comprehension and less respect for the immutable laws of nature and science, women seem to love Michael Cera. His success with women implies things about women I do not wish to contemplate. So instead of contemplating them, I will blame it on witchcraft.
There you have it, scientific proof that Michael Cera practices witchcraft.
4) He is a coward.
I have taken the trouble to report on Cera's well-known cowardice before:http://www.ticklingforum.com/showthread.php?t=183352
5) His last name means 'wax.'(Seriously)
Michael Cera is, scientifically speaking, the world's worst human; wax is scientifically the world's worst thing. This is in no way a coincidence. Also, House of Wax is one of the world's worst movies, and stars a human being who is almost entirely made of wax.
Is it becoming clear yet, people? Michael Cera is Paris Hilton. Or rather, they are both avatars of the same diabolical force. I'm not going to say for certain that he's Cthulu, but that's just because I still don't know how to correctly say 'Cthulu.'
If you could go back in time and kill Cthulu before he started World War II, wouldn't you do it? This is a lot like that, except that it's exactly like that.
We know from the films that these hellish wax-people can survive beheading and gang-fucking, but there is one thing wax cannot stand up to, and that is melting.
<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/kill%20it%20with%20fire" target="_blank"><img src="http://i275.photobucket.com/albums/jj290/TheWoodenBlock/FIRE-2.jpg" border="0" alt="KILL IT WITH FIRE Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>
There you have it. Some governing body must give me license to melt Michael Cera. I await your decision.
Everything in nature, from the mosquito to the microbe, scorns and despises him. They once tried starving a pond full of leeches to see how long it would take them to begin sucking Michael Cera's blood; after eleven days all the leeches grew hands and committed seppuku one by one in front of the stunned reseachers. The reason his voice is so croaky is that his own internal organs hate him so much they keep trying to leap to freedom whenever he opens his mouth. Growing up, he believed that 'love' was when your classmates briefly took your head out of the toilet so that your mother could punch you in the stomach.
What has not been accepted by the international community (yet) is that I should have the legal right to stalk and kill him as I would a barking dog or a trashcan-tipping racoon. This must change; the combined wisdom of Darwin, Thomas Hobbes, and Abraham all demand that he die.
1) His body is an obscene mockery of the human form.
<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/?action=view¤t=Cera-1.png" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/Cera-1.png" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
No God made this.
No God made this.
While human males have arms and legs made of bone and sheathed in a protective layer of muscle and fat, Michael Cera's limbs are composed primarily of stretched and banded vaginas. This gives them their flimsy, stringlike appearance. Michael Cera's face looks like somebody glued a turkey vulture onto another turkey vulture's ass. Michael Cera moves with all the grace and agility of a donkey losing a fight with a carnivorous ant colony. Every time Michael Cera smiles, a baby goes blind.
2) He is already 22 years old.
Michael Cera is 22 and has not yet hit puberty. This could be because literally every person he has ever known has tried to castrate him, but it is equally possible that his own testicles are joining in the fight to stop Michael Cera from contaminating the human race. We must not let their brave sacrifice go to waste.
Biologically, Michael Cera is already past his sexual prime. The hump is over, but as long as blood goes to the shrivelled, purplish pustule that is Michael Cera's penis, the unthinkable can still happen.
3) He has a mysterious power over women.
Having little comprehension and less respect for the immutable laws of nature and science, women seem to love Michael Cera. His success with women implies things about women I do not wish to contemplate. So instead of contemplating them, I will blame it on witchcraft.
There you have it, scientific proof that Michael Cera practices witchcraft.
<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/?action=view¤t=Cera-1-1.png" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/Cera-1-1.png" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
More proof! Burn him right the fuck now!
More proof! Burn him right the fuck now!
4) He is a coward.
I have taken the trouble to report on Cera's well-known cowardice before:http://www.ticklingforum.com/showthread.php?t=183352
5) His last name means 'wax.'(Seriously)
Michael Cera is, scientifically speaking, the world's worst human; wax is scientifically the world's worst thing. This is in no way a coincidence. Also, House of Wax is one of the world's worst movies, and stars a human being who is almost entirely made of wax.
<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/paris%20hilton" target="_blank"><img src="http://i193.photobucket.com/albums/z87/cm_love_u/paris.jpg" border="0" alt="Paris Hilton Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>
Is it becoming clear yet, people? Michael Cera is Paris Hilton. Or rather, they are both avatars of the same diabolical force. I'm not going to say for certain that he's Cthulu, but that's just because I still don't know how to correctly say 'Cthulu.'
If you could go back in time and kill Cthulu before he started World War II, wouldn't you do it? This is a lot like that, except that it's exactly like that.
We know from the films that these hellish wax-people can survive beheading and gang-fucking, but there is one thing wax cannot stand up to, and that is melting.
<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/kill%20it%20with%20fire" target="_blank"><img src="http://i275.photobucket.com/albums/jj290/TheWoodenBlock/FIRE-2.jpg" border="0" alt="KILL IT WITH FIRE Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>
Is there any argument this pic can't win?
There you have it. Some governing body must give me license to melt Michael Cera. I await your decision.
<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/?action=view¤t=Cera-1-2.png" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/Cera-1-2.png" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
