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3/17/2006 - Mainstream Mayhem part 2!
- Thread starter toyou444
- Start date
Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt once left a bar one evening fair,
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet.
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
~ toyou
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet.
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
~ toyou
About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by.
One said to the other with a twinkle in her eye.
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built.
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.
Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.
~ toyou
One said to the other with a twinkle in her eye.
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built.
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.
Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.
~ toyou
They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be,
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
~ toyou
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
~ toyou
They marveled for a moment and then one said we must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along.
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show.
Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show.
~ toyou
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along.
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show.
Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show.
~ toyou
Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward the trees.
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees.
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
Oh! lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize.
Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
Oh! lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize.
~ toyou
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees.
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
Oh! lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize.
Ring ding diddle iddle i de o,
Ring die diddley i o.
Oh! lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize.
~ toyou
Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on
the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal
remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the
box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it
was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one
fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly
a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the
box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle
of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but
later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They
bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the
hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye
don't bump the gatepost again"
~ toyou
the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal
remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the
box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it
was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one
fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly
a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the
box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle
of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but
later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They
bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the
hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye
don't bump the gatepost again"
~ toyou
A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin'
with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do
and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells
barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother
country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from.
Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man
hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey
for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin
and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll
be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for
the pair of us.
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the
pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley
twins are here getting drunk again.
~ toyou
with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do
and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells
barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother
country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from.
Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man
hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey
for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin
and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll
be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for
the pair of us.
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the
pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley
twins are here getting drunk again.
~ toyou
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning
Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the
Irishman.
~ toyou
Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the
Irishman.
~ toyou
Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in
the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance
of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the
top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here
all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just
telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared
Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take
half as long!"
~ toyou
the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance
of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the
top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here
all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just
telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared
Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take
half as long!"
~ toyou
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions.
No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins
to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya
want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the
doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be
praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a
minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next
child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey,
Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you
think it's the light that's attracting them?"
~ toyou
No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins
to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya
want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the
doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be
praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a
minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next
child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey,
Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you
think it's the light that's attracting them?"
~ toyou
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's
obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word
and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She
thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two
dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he
thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no
charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete
died. Boat for sale"
~ toyou
obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word
and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She
thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two
dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he
thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no
charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete
died. Boat for sale"
~ toyou
young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinnned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."
~ toyou
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinnned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."
~ toyou
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are
sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back,
what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English
man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go
to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to
something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and,
after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off
towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to
30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would
you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
~ toyou
sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back,
what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English
man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go
to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to
something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and,
after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off
towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to
30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would
you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
~ toyou
Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released
me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head,
then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and
produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for
weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie
appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic,
never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two
of them"
~ toyou
me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head,
then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and
produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for
weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie
appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic,
never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two
of them"
~ toyou
Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill
repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the
left, looked to right, and ducked into the house.
Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at
that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad
daylight!".
A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left,
looked to the right, and scurried into the house.
Mike layed down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what
I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!"
Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked
to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house.
Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and
there must be somebody sick in there."
~ toyou
repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the
left, looked to right, and ducked into the house.
Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at
that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad
daylight!".
A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left,
looked to the right, and scurried into the house.
Mike layed down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what
I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!"
Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked
to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house.
Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and
there must be somebody sick in there."
~ toyou
One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look
at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan. I'm
a perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in
the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong."
Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to
bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine
specimen is, what am I to do?"
Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole,
she'll know what to do."
Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a
few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over
her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.
A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What
happened to ye?"
"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and
she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So, I said 'Go shit in yer hat !'
And the fight was on."
~ toyou
at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan. I'm
a perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in
the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong."
Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to
bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine
specimen is, what am I to do?"
Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole,
she'll know what to do."
Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a
few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over
her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.
A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What
happened to ye?"
"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and
she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So, I said 'Go shit in yer hat !'
And the fight was on."
~ toyou
medikation65
TMF Master
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Last one in the whole set was by FAR the best!
luvgirlsfeet
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- Nov 15, 2004
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I'm impressed and look forward to more 
