~ Aries ~ March 21 - April 19
The corpse of 16th-century astronomer Nicolaus Corpenicus will rise from the grave this week to explain, once and for all, that the universe does not revolve around you, you self-centered prick.
~ Gemini ~ May 21 - June 21
After forgetting to take your medication for five days straight, you'll have no trouble explaining the voices in your head; however, it will be much harder to explain why they all sound like Rosie Perez.
~ Libra ~ September 23 - October 23
You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.
~ Sagittarius ~ November 22 - December 21
While everyone says that there's more than one way to skin a cat, you have never been able to come up with more than 57.
~ Pisces ~ February 19 - March 20
Scientists have predicted that, one day soon, tiny robots will travel through our bodies repairing damage on the cellular level, but tomorrow, giant robots will hurl your body over the horizon, shattering it beyond repair.
The corpse of 16th-century astronomer Nicolaus Corpenicus will rise from the grave this week to explain, once and for all, that the universe does not revolve around you, you self-centered prick.
~ Gemini ~ May 21 - June 21
After forgetting to take your medication for five days straight, you'll have no trouble explaining the voices in your head; however, it will be much harder to explain why they all sound like Rosie Perez.
~ Libra ~ September 23 - October 23
You've never believed in the theory of evolution, but lately you just can't shake the feeling that the monkeys at the zoo seem to be improving their aim.
~ Sagittarius ~ November 22 - December 21
While everyone says that there's more than one way to skin a cat, you have never been able to come up with more than 57.
~ Pisces ~ February 19 - March 20
Scientists have predicted that, one day soon, tiny robots will travel through our bodies repairing damage on the cellular level, but tomorrow, giant robots will hurl your body over the horizon, shattering it beyond repair.
Thanks, Drew. 
