A little Modern Family fan fiction (F/F)

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With further apologies for the other stories I'm supposed to be working on, this idea grabbed me during a recent business trip and wouldn't let go. I blame the passenger in front of me on the overseas flight who must have watched a whole season of Modern Family on the in-flight system between JFK and Amsterdam.

As far as celebrity tickle fantasies go, the Modern Family cast has always been at the top of my list. So while the mystery passenger in front of me watched their videos, I sat behind them and sketched out a new episode.

I'm imagining this around Season 9 in the timeline, when Haley and Alex were in their early-to-mid-20s.

Hope you enjoy it.
-Q.

 

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p.s. I've also never written anything as a TV episode. I found a template and some guidance online and did my best. Errors or misuse of the format are my mistakes entirely.

 

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Scene 1: “The New Neighbors”
INT. DUNPHY KITCHEN – MORNING
_____

OPEN ON: A bright, suburban morning. Sunlight pours into the Dunphy kitchen. PHIL is cheerfully humming while flipping pancakes. CLAIRE storms in, obviously dressed for a busy day of errands, phone in one hand, list of handwritten notes in the other.

CLAIRE
(frustrated)
There’s definitely something going on next door! I distinctly heard screaming last night. And music. It could be some kind of music-themed sex ritual.

PHIL
(pleasantly)
Could’ve been a party. People have fun, Claire. You remember fun.

CLAIRE
They moved in three weeks ago, Phil. They have blackout curtains on the basement windows, lights on at all hours, and—
(she zooms in on her phone)
—furniture deliveries from a place called "Bound to Please." Who does that?

PHIL
Interesting people? Fun people?

HALEY
(offscreen from the stairs)
Mom’s stalking the neighbors again!

CLAIRE
(peering obsessively thought the window)
I am not stalking. I’m protecting the moral integrity of this neighborhood.

ALEX
(offscreen)
Also known as: stalking.

HALEY and ALEX enter, both in pajama pants and t-shirts, holding coffee mugs. HALEY sits at the island, ALEX scrolls her phone without looking up.

HALEY
(gesturing toward ALEX)
We’ve actually met them. Do you even know their names?

CLAIRE
Lila and Emily. Thirty-something. Stylish. Smug.
(she points to her list)
And I’ve logged twelve separate odd-hours visitors in three weeks. Male and female. All ages. They always leave looking exhausted.

ALEX
You’re running a sting on our cool neighbors because they have a social life?

CLAIRE
Something’s going on in that basement. I heard what sounded like a leaf blower but…slower. More sinister.

PHIL
It’s just nice having neighbors who don’t raise roosters or host folk music festivals in their yard. Although that would be pretty cool...

CLAIRE
It’s not the nice that worries me. It’s the nicely hidden.

ALEX looks at HALEY. HALEY looks at PHIL. PHIL just flips a pancake with a worried shrug.

CLAIRE
(conspiratorial)
I’m telling you. It’s some kind of…alternative wellness scam. Or a—what do they call it?—boutique dungeon. There’s whispers on the HOA forum.

ALEX
I’m sorry, the HOA forum has whispers now?

HALEY
(to CLAIRE)
Okay. This is too much. After you leave I’ll just go over there and ask what they do, so you can stop pacing the window like Mrs. Kravitz on Red Bull.

CLAIRE
(horrified)
You can’t just ask them! What if it is something weird and they try to pull you in?

HALEY
(grinning)
I’ll take Alex. We can be kidnapped together.

ALEX
(flat)
I hate this family.

_____
INTERVIEW COUCH: CLAIRE

CLAIRE sits upright, arms crossed, absolutely certain of herself.

CLAIRE
Look, I don’t want to believe there’s something shady going on. But let’s just say if someone ends up chained to a radiator, don’t come crying to me saying, “Oh Claire, how did you know?”

_____
INTERVIEW COUCH: PHIL

PHIL
I think the new neighbors are great. Anyone who puts lavender sprigs in their baked risotto is a friend of mine.
(waits a beat)
I just wish Claire would stop browsing Amazon for spy cameras.

_____
CUT TO:

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET – LATER THAT DAY

ALEX and HALEY are walking toward LILA and EMILY’s front door. HALEY has a playful spring in her step. ALEX looks like she’s marching to her own execution.

_____
END SCENE

 

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Scene 2: “The Demonstration”
INT. LILA & EMILY’S PORCH → KITCHEN → BASEMENT – LATER THAT DAY

_____
INT. LILA AND EMILY’S FRONT PORCH – AFTERNOON

HALEY rings the doorbell confidently. ALEX stands behind her, arms crossed, already regretting this.

ALEX
Remind me again why we’re doing this instead of letting Mom spiral into a full FBI corkboard mode?

HALEY
Because if we don’t figure out what’s going on, she’ll dig a tunnel under their lawn with her salad tongs.

The door opens. EMILY appears—mid 30s, athletic, confident. She's wearing soft lounge clothes and gives them both a warm smile as she invites them in.

EMILY
Hi Haley, Alex! Come in! We were just about to start some tea. Hibiscus or ginger?

HALEY
(entering with ALEX)
We’re good, thanks.
(confidence visibly fades as she cuts glances at her sister)
Uh…we just...had a weird question.

The home’s interior is modern, artful, cozy with a subtle sense of mystery. Soft music plays.

EMILY
Ooh, that sounds like a kitchen conversation!

HALEY and ALEX follow EMILY into the kitchen where LILA is making tea. Also mid 30s, artsy, friendly, similarly attractive. The sisters look a little uncomfortable as their hosts turn to them. Everyone stands around the kitchen island a little awkwardly.

LILA
(smiling)
So what’s this weird question?

HALEY
It’s, uh…our mom…uh…
(looks frantically at ALEX)

ALEX
Oh for Pete’s sake. Our mom thinks you're secretly running a sex dungeon in your basement.

LILA
(pauses, looks at EMILY, then they both laugh)
Oh wow! She cracked the case already?

HALEY and ALEX both blink.

EMILY
Kidding. Kind of. Come on down. It’s easier to show you.

The sisters exchange glances. ALEX looks shocked and hesitates. HALEY follows immediately, bouncing with curiosity.

_____
INT. BASEMENT – MOMENTS LATER

A sleek, softly lit space. Minimalist furniture, polished steel and velvet. A large metal-framed dual-person rack gleams under soft overhead lights. It looks like a cross between a modern massage table and something from a spy movie. Two fixed sets of ankle restraints are clearly integrated into the footboard, and four chains coil loosely from the headboard with leather wrist cuffs at the ends.

HALEY
(excited)
This is so cool!

ALEX
(eyes wide, looking around)
What...exactly do you do here?

EMILY
We offer what you might call stress release therapy. For people who are overstimulated, anxious, tightly wound…

LILA
And ticklish; that’s a bonus.
(everyone pauses a beat as the sisters turn to her in shock)

ALEX
Wait. Tickling?

HALEY
(delighted, surprised, eyes sparkling with her mouth set in a smiling O)
Are you serious? Oh my God. That’s amazing!

EMILY
We call it “surrender play.” It’s great for people under pressure, who need to be in charge all the time. Some clients love being restrained. Others just need to laugh until they melt.

LILA
(slyly, to ALEX)
Want to try it?

ALEX
Absolutely not.

HALEY
(running her hand along the rack, grinning at her sister)
Oh come on! Maybe just a few minutes. Together? For science?

EMILY
This setup is for couples…

ALEX
No. Nope. Not happening.

HALEY
(sotto, teasing)
What’s wrong little sis? Scared of losing control?

ALEX glares. Pauses, considering. Her posture tightens—then loosens. She looks around to find everyone smiling at her expectantly.

LILA
For what it’s worth, the people who resist the idea are usually the ones who need it most.

ALEX
(through gritted teeth)
Fine. Five minutes. And no recording devices. I don’t want this on the internet when I get my Nobel Prize.

LILA
You’ll be completely safe. And I promise you’ll have fun.

_____
INT. BASEMENT – MOMENTS LATER

Perspective from the foot of the rack, looking down from eye level. HAYLEY and ALEX lie side-by-side. Their ankles are locked in the stocks built into the footboard, bare feet squirming in the open air as LILA sets aside their just-removed shoes and socks. Their wrists are cuffed over their heads, arms loose but extended toward the headrest. The tension on their arms is gradually increasing with each ominous click of a steel crank that EMILY is turning near the headboard to reel in the chains.

ALEX gulps and looks around frantically as her arms are pulled tight.

HALEY giggles as she wriggles in place, clearly enjoying the theatricality.

HALEY
(grinning)
Okay...this is hotter than I expected.

ALEX
(gritting her teeth)
Say one more word and I will scream.

LILA
Speaking of screaming, are you two ready?

HALEY giggles uncontrollably.

ALEX
(squeezing her eyes shut)
Oh God…

EMILY
We start slow.

EMILY and LILA position themselves beside the sisters’ bare feet. Their nails hover near the girls’ wriggling soles.

LILA
(smiling)
Last chance to back out!

HALEY
Bring it on.

ALEX
(steely)
You won’t break me.

EMILY
Oh honey. That’s what they all say.

HALEY
So is there, like, a countdown or…WAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

HALEY breaks immediately into hysterical whooping girlish laughter, thrashing and screaming helplessly when LILA begins tickling her feet.

As EMILY starts lightly tickling ALEX’s feet, she screams once and then clamps her jaw shut, twisting and moaning.

ALEX
(struggling)
This is fine. This is nothing. I am a stone.

EMILY
I love the strong-willed ones.

ALEX
(beginning to twist and whimper)
Tickling is a thing of the mind. It can be controlled.

EMILY leans forward, tickling harder.

ALEX
(panicking)
Wait! AAAUGH!!! I changed my mind! HAAHAHHA!!!

EMILY
(triumphant)
Too late for that, college girl!

ALEX
(struggling, near her breaking point)
NOOO!!! THIS IS ILLEGAL IN SEVENTEEN COUNTRIES!!!

EMILY
And there she goes.

ALEX collapses into helpless hysterics, face red, her laugh growing high-pitched and frantic as she bucks and twists.

LILA steps around and begins tickling HAYLEY’s sides and underarms. HAYLEY screams even louder.

HAYLEY
(undone)
OH MY GOD, STOP, I’M GONNA PEE!!!

EMILY does the same to ALEX

ALEX
MY BRAIN IS MELTING!!!

Slowly fade out…EMILY and LILA tickle up and down the girls’ bodies as they scream and laugh uncontrollably.

_____
AFTERMATH – MINUTES LATER

The girls lie limp on the device. Unstrapped now. Both breathing heavily. Hair messy. Alex’s glasses are fogged.

HALEY
(grinning, dazed)
I think I saw God.

ALEX
(quiet, eyes closed)
I feel like I’ve had a lobotomy. But in a good way.

HALEY
(looking at ALEX, smiling)
You actually look relaxed. I hardly recognize you.

ALEX
I’m too spent to be stressed.

HALEY
Yeah that was...wow. Like a deep cleanse for my soul.

She turns to ALEX, suddenly inspired.

HALEY
Alex, we have to do mom.

ALEX
(grinning weakly)
Ooh yes. She so needs this. But we might break her.

HALEY
No, no. We’re gonna fix her. Lila, Emily, listen up…

They both sit up, still breathless. Behind them, LILA and EMILY exchange amused looks.

_____
CUT TO BLACK

END SCENE

 

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Scene 3: “The Invitation”
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – LIVING ROOM / KITCHEN / CLAIRE'S BEDROOM – EVENING

_____
INT. DUNPHY LIVING ROOM – EARLY EVENING

CLAIRE sits at her laptop, intently reading an email. She tilts the screen away as HALEY walks by.

CLAIRE
(too casual)
Oh, by the way…Lila and Emily invited me over. Girls’ night for a bunch of us cool kids. It’s a sleepover pajama party theme!

HALEY
(lighting up)
Wow, seriously? That’s so… neighborly. And not like you.

CLAIRE
(flatly)
I’m going for research purposes.

ALEX
(peeking around the corner)
Let me guess. You think they’ll let something slip over wine and charcuterie?

CLAIRE
If there’s a secret, I’ll find it. If there’s nothing, I get to socialize. No big deal.

HALEY
So, like...are you bringing snacks, or your sense of moral superiority?

CLAIRE
(self-righteous)
Just being a good citizen. That’s all.

_____
INT. CLAIRE’S BEDROOM – MONTAGE-STYLE SNIPPETS
Although it’s only supposed to be a "casual girl's night," CLAIRE seems to be getting ready for a steamy hot date.

Montage:

• Silhouetted in the shower, we see her shave just her lower legs, then shrug and shave them all the way up.
• She lays out two different pajama sets on her bed: one flannel, one silky. Stares at them.
• She chooses the silky one, muttering, “It’s probably warmer.”
• She applies lip gloss, then wipes it off.
• She adds perfume, then fans it away like it was an accident.
• She fluffs and styles her hair, posing in front of the mirror
• She crosses her wrists behind her back and mimes struggling to untie herself. Then she shrugs at her reflection and says, “Don’t be silly.”
• Finally, she packs the silky pajamas and a bottle of rosé into a tote and marches out.

_____
INT. DUNPHY FOYER – MOMENTS LATER

CLAIRE stands by the front door with her bag.

CLAIRE
(sincerely awkward)
Ok, off to do some bondage! BONDING!!!

HALEY
(mildly amused)
Got it. If you don’t text back by 10, we’ll call Liam Neeson.

ALEX
(stone-faced)
And tell him she suspected a suburban sex ring.

CLAIRE
(stiffly)
Hmph. Dad and Luke will be home late. You two hold down the fort. Goodnight, girls.

She walks out with comically exaggerated poise, trying to look unbothered.

_____
INT. DUNPHY LIVING ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

As soon as the door shuts, HALEY and ALEX bolt from their seats. HALEY peeks out the window at CLAIRE walking toward the neighbor’s, and ALEX whips out a laptop.

HALEY
Okay, she’s heading over. See if the feed’s still up.

ALEX
(refreshing the screen)
It’s up! Oh my God, this is really happening!

Through the window past HALEY, we see CLAIRE knocking on LILA and EMILY’s door. They greet her warmly as she pulls something from her bag.

HALEY
She brought wine.
(pauses)
Want to bet that she took the sexy pajamas? Of course she did.

Shifting perspective, we see the screen on ALEX’s laptop showing a wide-view live feed of the neighbor’s basement with a new bondage device set up in the middle of the room.

ALEX
Mom thinks she might get to do a kinky romance novel scene.
(grinning)
She has no idea what she’s in for.

Grinning ear-to-ear, HAYLEY brings two bowls of popcorn to the couch and hands one to ALEX as the sisters settle in.

_____
INTERVIEW COUCH – HALEY & ALEX

The sisters sit shoulder-to-shoulder, trying to hold back laughter.

HALEY
So, we decided to let Mom figure it out on her own.

ALEX
Which is way more fun than telling her, “Hey, it’s tickling, not tantric fire play.”

HALEY
We just wanted to see what would happen if she went in expecting Fifty Shades...
(grins)
...and got Looney Tunes instead.

_____
CUT TO BLACK

END SCENE

 

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Scene 4: “The Girls’ Night”
INT. LILA & EMILY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

_____
INT. LILA & EMILY’S FOYER – NIGHT

CLAIRE stands at the door, tote bag over one shoulder, a slightly-too-large bottle of rosé in hand. She’s trying to appear relaxed and confident but is clearly overcompensating.

The door opens. LILA greets her in cozy lounge pants and a soft wrap top. She smiles.

LILA
Claire! Come in, come in. You look adorable.

CLAIRE
(overly casual)
Oh, this? Just grabbed whatever was clean. It’s vintage...Target.

EMILY
(appears behind Lila, warmly)
We’re so glad you came! Everyone else flaked, so it’s just us girls tonight.

CLAIRE
Oh! Just us?
(she forces a smile)
That’s…even better. More wine for me.

She steps inside, scanning quickly. The house smells like sandalwood and something faintly floral. A soft, low beat plays on a speaker. It feels chic and curated.

_____
INT. GUEST ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

CLAIRE changes into her silky pajamas in private. She studies herself in the mirror: tousles her hair slightly, then scolds herself and smooths it back down. She’s clearly trying not to try too hard.

_____
INT. LIVING ROOM – A BIT LATER

CLAIRE returns. LILA and EMILY are lounging in the living room conversation pit, relaxed, barefoot, sipping wine. They’ve dimmed the lights just slightly.

LILA
Cute PJs.

EMILY
You nailed the vibe.

CLAIRE
Thanks! You know, just…girls being girls.

She sinks into an armchair, crosses her legs, and grips her wineglass a little too tightly.

LILA
So, we thought we’d keep it chill tonight. A little wine, a little music, maybe share secrets.

CLAIRE
(faux cool)
Secrets are good. I’m…very pro-secrets.

EMILY
(smiling)
We like to think of this house as a safe space. For curiosity. For release.

CLAIRE
(nods eagerly, then catches herself)
Right. Like emotional release.

LILA
Or physical. Depends on the night.

Several silent beats pass.

CLAIRE sips her wine too fast.

CLAIRE
Well, you know…the body stores tension. That’s a thing. I read about it. In Real Simple.

EMILY
(smiling)
Do you ever let it out?

CLAIRE
(choked)
Let what out?

LILA
The tension. The self-control.

Claire lets out a quick, performative laugh.

CLAIRE
Me? Pfft, I’m the chill one in my house.

EMILY
Hm, you don’t strike us as someone who surrenders easily.

CLAIRE
(defensive, a little breathless)
Well…maybe I could. If the right…circumstances presented themselves.

The women exchange a knowing look.

LILA
We have some ‘circumstances’ downstairs if you’d like to see them. To be honest, we’ve noticed you noticing us, and we just thought you might be curious.

CLAIRE
(flustered)
Downstairs? Here? With you? Well, I mean—
(clears her throat)
Sure! Of course. What, uh, circumstances?

EMILY
Just a little something we’ve been working on. It’s kind of…our secret.

CLAIRE stands, trying not to look giddy.

_____
INT. BASEMENT – MOMENTS LATER

CLAIRE steps cautiously down into the softly lit space.

She stops. Her eyes widen. A reclining padded bench sits in the center of the room. Metal ankle stocks at one end. Cuffs at the sides. Soft leather belts laid neatly across the top.

She gulps.

CLAIRE
(trying to act nonplussed)
Okay, so…this is a…sturdy ottoman?

LILA
It’s more like a bench. For therapeutic release.

EMILY
(a little breathy)
Everything’s adjustable. For safety and...access.

CLAIRE
(acting casual)
Well, of course! I mean, it would be.

LILA
You seem surprised, but curious.

CLAIRE
Oh, well, it’s not like I’ve never seen…I mean, we’re all worldly, sophisticated women here. This kind of thing is actually pretty normal. Isn’t it?

EMILY
Of course. But have you ever tried it?
(a beat passes as Claire looks around)

CLAIRE
(nervous laugh)
Tried what, exactly?

LILA
(gestures at the bench)
This. You could try it now, if you like. You might enjoy letting go. It just takes a little trust.

CLAIRE
(playing it cool)
Well, I am open-minded. And brave. And sexually mature.

She climbs onto the bench, awkwardly reclining back as the women begin calmly, confidently arranging the cuffs and belts.

_____
CUT TO:

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

HALEY’s and ALEX’s eyes are riveted to the laptop’s screen. Their expressions are frozen in astonished disbelief.

_____

CLAIRE
Just so I’m clear—this is like...I mean, it’s kind of a…there’s a reason you strap people down, right? You should know I’m a happily married and…and deeply…satisfied woman.

LILA
(ambiguous)
Mmmm.

EMILY
The restraints help us…explore sensation.

CLAIRE
Right. Sensation. And access. Yes. That’s…sophisticated.

As her wrists are secured, then her ankles locked side by side into the stocks, CLAIRE begins breathing faster.

CLAIRE
(tugging at the cuffs)
Wow, okay, this is…snug. Are the other straps really necessary?

LILA
They keep you centered.

CLAIRE
(as if it’s obvious)
Of course. It’s important to stay centered.

Once the final belts are cinched across her knees and shoulders, CLAIRE is completely immobilized. She twists a little to test the bonds, and tries to lean forward. She can’t move.

CLAIRE
That’s effective.
(looking from EMILY to LILA and attempting a soft, sultry tone)
So...now what happens?

LILA and EMILY stay silent, suppressing mischievous grins as they make final adjustments to the straps and then move around to kneel at the end of the bench where CLAIRE's feet are trapped.

CLAIRE
(voice is still sexy but uncertain)
So, are my pajamas ok? Are they in the way? I just wondered, I mean, if there’s touching involved…

_____
CUT TO:

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

HALEY’s and ALEX’s looks of stunned astonishment ratchet up a notch as they slowly turn from the screen and look at each other in shock.

_____

LILA
Oh there’s touching all right, but your pajamas are fine.

EMILY
Mmm-hmm. We can easily reach all of your ticklish spots just the way you are.

CLAIRE freezes. Her eyes widen. Her jaw drops.

CLAIRE
Reach my what?!

Smiling openly, LILA and EMILY slip soft leather loops anchored to the stocks over CLAIRE’s big toes, trapping them in place.

CLAIRE
(struggling to move her feet)
Hey! Wait! Stop that!

The ladies slowly lift their hands and begin wiggling their manicured fingernails menacingly in the air near CLAIRE’s soles, faces gleaming with delight.

LILA
So Claire, how ticklish are your feet? Emily and I have a bet to settle.

CLAIRE
No!

CLAIRE kicks and thrashes furiously but can’t move an inch.

EMILY
Ooh! I think I’m gonna win.

CLAIRE
(panicking)
Please no! Hey, come on now, you can’t do this!!!

LILA
Of course we can! What did you think this was?

CLAIRE
(stammering)
I—I thought you were going to—tickling?! Seriously wait—stop—YOU’RE MONSTERS!!!

EMILY
Tickle monsters.

CLAIRE
I’M GOING TO DIE!!!

LILA and EMILY lean forward eagerly

CLAIRE
Nononononono…

_____
CUT TO:

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – LIVING ROOM

HALEY and ALEX on the couch, tablet open, watching the livestream.

HALEY
(grinning)
She thought she was going to get ravished.

ALEX
And instead… she’s about to be wrecked.

_____
CUT TO BLACK

END SCENE

 

[quinn65]

Scene 5: “Letting Go”
INT. LILA & EMILY’S BASEMENT – NIGHT

_____
INT. BASEMENT – CONTINUOUS

CLAIRE is fully restrained on the padded bench: wrists cuffed, shoulders belted down, knees strapped, ankles locked side-by-side in the padded metal stocks. Her bare soles are trapped and perfectly vulnerable.

CLAIRE
(continuing from the last scene)
…nonono PLEASE NO!!!

LILA and EMILY, kneeling at the foot of the bench and grinning mischievously, pause in response to CLAIRE’s begging.

CLAIRE twists in place, trying to act composed as she struggles.

CLAIRE
Okay! Very funny. This was a great prank. You got me. Now unstrap me, please.

EMILY
Oh Claire…we haven’t even started.

LILA
You said you wanted to know what goes on down here.

CLAIRE
Not like this! This is—this is childish! And frankly, borderline illegal!

LILA wiggles a single finger against the center of Claire’s sole.

CLAIRE
(shriek-laughs)
OH MY GOD STOP!! That’s—NO—seriously, stop!

EMILY lightly scratches the base of her toes.

CLAIRE
(stifling laughter)
Okay—okay, you’ve made your—POINT! Let’s just all—

Lila trails a fingertip slowly up her arch.

Claire erupts in high-pitched giggles.

CLAIRE
HeehahAHeeeHahaaa—OKAY—WAIT—LADIES—NO—STOP! I AM A MOTHER!!!

LILA
We love that.

EMILY
Moms have so much stress.

They increase the pressure slightly—nails dragging in unison along both feet. Claire spasms in the restraints, laughing helplessly.

CLAIRE
NO! NOHOHOHOHO! I CAN’T—OH MY GOD—HAHAHA—I’LL—YOU’LL BE HEARING FROM MY LAWYER!!!

LILA
(breezily)
That’ll be interesting to argue in court.

After forcing a few minutes of belly laughter, the ladies let up. CLAIRE pants, sweaty and wild-eyed.

CLAIRE
(catching breath)
Okay. Okay! I get it. Lesson learned. Let me go.

EMILY
Claire.

CLAIRE
What?

LILA
When was the last time you really let go?

Claire blinks.

CLAIRE
I am letting go. Right now. Of my dignity. I’m losing my mind!

EMILY
But you can’t keep everything bottled up all the time. You know that. It's probably in Real Simple somewhere.

CLAIRE
(struggling)
I DO NOT BOTTLE—I HAVE REASONABLE STRUCTURE!

The fingers return—faster this time, scribbling lightly across the centers of her soles.

CLAIRE
NOOOOOO—OHMYGOD—STOP—HAAAAHAHHHAAAA—OKAY I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING! I’LL BE FUN FROM NOW ON!!!

LILA
We believe you.
(she tickles under Claire’s toes)

CLAIRE
I’LL LET MY KIDS BUY WHATEVER THEY WANT!! I’LL USE THE WRONG RECYCLING BINS!!! HAAAAAHAHAAAA—

_____
CUT TO: INT. DUNPHY LIVING ROOM

Haley and Alex stare at the tablet, jaws open. Sounds of Claire screaming with laughter and begging for mercy spill from the tablet’s speakers.

HALEY
You heard that, right? Whatever we want.

CLAIRE
(over speakers)
PLEEEEASE STOP! PLEEEHEEHEEEHEASE!!! I’LL DO ANYTHING—YOU’VE GOT TO STAHAHHHAHHAAAHHAAP!!!

ALEX
Should we go save her? I think she might be dying.

HAYLEY
Hell no! This is awesome!

_____
CUT TO: INT. BASEMENT – LATER

Fade in as the sound of CLAIRE’s wild laughter dies down. She lies still on the bench, sweaty, hair mussed, tear-streaked from laughter, completely calm. Lila and Emily are unstrapping her wrists.

She doesn’t speak. She just smiles—serene.

EMILY
You okay?

CLAIRE
(sighing, dreamy)
I haven’t laughed like that since 1998.

LILA helps her sit up.

LILA
You did great. How do you feel?

CLAIRE
Spent. Calm. Relaxed.
(grinning weakly)
So what do you charge for repeat sessions?

_____
CUT TO BLACK

END SCENE

 

[quinn65]

Scene 6: “The Morning After”
INT. DUNPHY HOUSE – KITCHEN – NEXT MORNING

_____
The kitchen is peaceful. The sun filters through the blinds. CLAIRE is already up, dressed in a light sweater and soft pants, humming softly as she flips pancakes.

HALEY
(stumbling in, suspicious)
Why are you awake? And… singing?

CLAIRE
(sunny)
Good morning, sweetie! Pancake?

ALEX
(entering, wary)
Wait…you’re cooking breakfast? Voluntarily?

CLAIRE
Why not? It’s a beautiful day.

She pours more batter. Her posture is loose. She isn’t micromanaging. She doesn’t even flinch when a little batter drips.

HALEY and ALEX share a look.

HALEY
So... how was girls' night?

CLAIRE
(smiling)
Revealing.

ALEX
Did you uncover a sex dungeon?

CLAIRE
(humming as she flips a pancake)
I think you know the answer to that. They told me about your little trick.

HALEY
And you’re not mad?

CLAIRE
Nope.

ALEX
Not traumatized?

CLAIRE
Not even close. Those ladies are angels from heaven.

They stare at her.

HALEY
Oh my god. We broke her.

ALEX
No. We fixed her.

CLAIRE
I feel...like myself. Just...less shrill.

She sets a stack of pancakes on the table and kisses both daughters on the head.

CLAIRE
(sweetly)
I love you girls.
(her voice drops to an intimidating growl)
But that won’t spare you my vengeance.

She breezes out of the room. The girls just stand in stunned silence.

_____
INTERVIEW COUCH – CLAIRE

She’s calm. Hair brushed loosely. Holding a mug of tea.

CLAIRE
You know, sometimes letting go is the scariest thing a person can do. But it turns out, when you do…something amazing happens.

(sips tea)

I mean, not that I’d do it again.

(she smiles to herself, then shrugs)

Unless Lila has another opening next Thursday.

_____
CUT TO BLACK

ROLL CREDITS

 

[Titillating 2.0]

Great story! Amazingly done and really fitting for the show the way you captured their essences haha

 

[bandt001]

Phenomenal job!!! You managed to capture just the right tone and the heart of the MF characters, while bringing us what would have been the single greatest episode of the entire series.

Bandit

 

[milagros317]

Great story! I wish they had done it for real on the show.

 

[footfan69]

Fabulous story, Quinn! Julie Bowen is my all-time favorite actress. I could easily imagine her voice saying those lines, and her body getting its “release.” Well done!

 

[Chief Punishment Officer]

That would be the greatest episode in the history of TV. Well done!