A newbie who needs some help

[ticklishdesires]

Hi all,

While I have just registered I have lurked on here and around the internet regarding tickling for years. I am in desperate need of some help with my husband. I am a huge lover of being tickled and don't mind giving back as good as I get. My problem is that I can never get my husband to tickle me. I tell him it feels good if he does tickle me. I tell him I like it when he tickles me, but I still can't get him, to really tickle me good. I have tried asking him about his desires and fantasies but he never asks about mine in return. He is an incredibly "vanilla" and conservative man, but I love him very much. The other thing that is upsetting to me is that when he does tickle me (usually by accident) it doesn't tickle that much, and I have always been insanely ticklish. This is causing me a lot of fustration and some guilt as I have even considered going outside of my marriage to get these needs fufilled but I really do not want to do that. Any help and suggestings would be greatly appricaited.

Thanks!

 

[gibby59]

First, let me welcome you as a new member to the TMF. I'm sorry to hear of the difficulty you're having with your husband. I don't have an easy answer for you, but I'm sure someone will come along shortly with the right advice. All I would say is to think long and hard before going outside your marriage to seek an outlet for your pent up tickling desires. There's a good chance it could lead to something you don't want to happen.

OK TMF, this lady needs help. Who's gonna be the one to do it?

 

[ticklishdesires]

THanks gibby for the reply. I agree with you about the risks of going outside of my marriage that is why I am hoping to find advice on how to resolve the issue with in my marriage. However their are times I just feel so alone and desperate... I Hope there is someone out there who can offer some guidance.

 

[maniactickler]

I suggest possibly thinking about filing for divorce. :O

 

[ticklishdesires]

thanks for the suggestion but I am not looking for a divorce at this time.

 

[catapy_girl]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Don't be hasty now! She doesn't have to go that low. Honey, you really need to talk to your husband about your certain fetish. It's okay. I have it too, *I don't like to admit it, but I have the love for the need for stimulation.* Even the words 'Kitchykitchykoo' give me an orgasm. Don't be afraid to admit your innermost feelings. If you have the need to go see a marriage counselor, do so. But don't sign the alimony papers just yet.

 

[MrPartickler]

I can relate... (long)

I can't offer any strong guarantees of success, but I've gone through something similar in the past (from a "ler" perspective) and have learned a few things--mostly about myself--along the way.

Perhaps most importantly, I learned (1) that if I have to try <i>too</i> hard to get my partner to participate in something this important to me, I won't enjoy it at all after I get it. For example, if you had to beg and plead with your partner to, say, kiss you (or be affectionate in other ways), would you really want it in the end anyway? Probably not more than once....ok twice. 😛

From that I learned (2) what I really needed: for her to <i>want</i> to be tickled and to enjoy it as much as I enjoyed tickling her. That's not really under anyone's control, though. So I learned (3) not to blame her if, no matter what I tried, it wasn't her thing.

Finally, I learned (4) the key thing to keep in mind if I wanted to keep a relationship with a great person who I'd love to warm to the idea of being tickled: <i>Keep things fun and interesting</i>. The big risk with plainly "laying your heart on the line" all at once is that it's almost like an ultimatum. That makes me feel like I'm already trying too hard...so if they go along with it, I tend to feel like they were "pressured" into it and/or just humoring me, hence ol' lesson #1 kicks in and the success becomes virtually worthless. Don't get me wrong. I think it can work, but it can also make the resolution a little ambiguous.

So I'd recommend trying to make it "not a big deal" and to make it fun. The next time you're playing a game--any game, or bet, etc.--start making interesting wagers. Put a bunch of things in there that are benign or expected, but make one of the conditions of losing (or winning) being tickled for, say 5 minutes non-stop. Follow through on whatever the deals are. If this works you can probably (gradually) escalate things from there.

Alternatively, at some random time, just tickle him the way you want to be tickled. Keep it fun, but just do it. Then make fun of him. Tell him he tickles like a wuss and could probably never do that to you even if he tried. (You'd be in SO much trouble if you said that to one of the ticklers here..lol.) Make sure you do it right; show no mercy.

You know him better than anyone here, so there's likely something that will get him to chase you and be the aggressor (in a playful way) more than anything else. Hide the remote or the keys to his car. (OK..maybe not. lol) Trade "favors" in the bedroom...or give more...ahem..."guidance" when he's touching you, etc. 😉 Just make sure you're having fun and you'll probably be inspired to try more and more new things.

Like I said, no guarantees of success, but hopefully some of the things someone suggests here will help stave off the desire to stray--for a time at least. Good luck! 😎

 

[catapy_girl]

😀

Nice. Very very nice. I even go for the kinky peanut butter between the toes. Timmy loves it. ^0~. Kids ask if it tickles, but I don't think they understand the passion between what goes on between man+woman and a kinky fetish. They think it is just a game.

 

[drew70]

.

TicklishDesires, maybe it's not such a bad idea to get your tickling outside of the marriage. It sounds like he's just not into it, and not likely to ever catch the bug. I'm sure there are men and/or women here that would be happy to tickle you outside of any sexual or romantic setting.

Either way, I hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[catapy_girl]

Thank you. Well. Best of luck.

 

[Mitchell]

Hi, ticklishdesires. This is how I see it. It seems to me that you probably need to have a long talk with your hubby to "clear the air". Explain to him that this is something you really need to be happy, and that while you love him very much, and want to fulfill his needs and desires, he needs to consider you as well. It sounds to me that if you are feeling so frustrated and alone about this issue, it is a serious enough problem, to need addressing, and fixing, in the very short term, to get you feeling more positive and happy about the situation. I dont know if this would be the right move, but have you thought of either marriage or even sex counseling? While your sex life may not be affected, the fact of the matter is that the tickling is a desire that needs to be fulfilled for you, which apparently isnt being fulfilled. Iam a strong believer in working out issues in marriage. Although Iam single, I detest divorce, as I come from a broken home, so my philsophy is to do everything possible inside the marriage to make it work.
I hope my advice helps. Maybe I'm too "therapy" orientiated, I dont know, but I believe that sometimes within a relationship if there are problems, a neutral third party can be helpful in working a problem out. Good Luck. I hope it works for you. You sound like a good person who is having a specific problem within your relationship, one which needs to be addressed. I hope it works out for you.

Mitch

 

[catapy_girl]

^_^

See, ticklishdesires? These are all very good ideas! Even better ideas than I could possibly offer. What's more, I'm training to be in psychology and therefore need my head checked! Good work all of you.

 

[ticklishdesires]

Thank you to everyone who has responded so far and please keep the advice coming. I want to respond to some of the comments so that it may lead to further advice.

catapy_girl - I have tried to talk to him but he does not take the hints and I would like him to at least so a little interest in wanting to know what I want as a constantly ask him what he wants. As far as marriage counseling or sex therapy that thought really bothers me for some reason. I have a really hard time feeling comfortable talking about my most intimate desires with a third party in that way.


MrPartickler - Everything you have to say really makes sense. If he really did not want to do it I would never want to force the issue, but I don't think that is necessarily the case because I just think he is clueless despite all of my efforts. Also, as for the playing around, that is howe I have always initiaed things in the past to get tickling going in my relationships, but my husband is just not a playful guy and he is also not ticklish.


Mitchell - Again I have tried to talk to him and I don't want to scare him by hitting him over the head with it. How do I get him to listen and take some interest initiative in the conversation?

 

[Mitchell]

I would try to ease into the conversation. Describe it as a need. If he isnt interested at all, I have to begin to wonder about him, Iam sorry to say.
Iam going to give you an example of what I mean: Those who know me, know that I also enjoy female feet, in addition to tickling. For me, the way I see it, the tickling is negotiable. If I met someone who absolutely hated to be tickled, I probably could live with tickling her every once in a while, as long as the other parts of the marriage were good.
As far as feet. Many women I've heard of find the idea of feet repulsive. For me, I find them a great turn on. I would want to meet someone who would understand if I at least wanted to briefly kiss her feet during sex, even if nothing else. If I met someone who said:" You absolutely can never, ever touch my feet ever" I couldnt be with that person. My fetish is too strong, and I would be angry at the person for not at least wanting to compromise. In my view, if they didnt try to compromise for me, they dont care enough about me to warrant my time.
In your case, desires, I truly dont know what to say. I think if your hubby cares for you, he really needs to be considerate of your desires, and your needs. Isn't love a two way street? If he absolutely is unwilling to compromise and give you what you need, I have to question that. I'm not saying:" Divorce him" because you've already stated that you dont want to do that, and I wouldnt offer that advice, because as I told you, I detest divorce because I went through it with my parents. I do think he sounds stubborn, and needs to engage in what you need more. As for how you do that, I really dont know. I guess you're going to have to keep working it through with him and the therapist to perhaps reach a breakthrough. At this point, that is about the best suggestion I have.

Mitch

 

[TummyDragon]

but my husband is just not a playful guy and he is also not ticklish.

Being playful is almost a prerequisite for tickling, unless you are 'playing' in more of a D/s role I suppose. I understand that you don't wish to hit him over the head with it, but you also have to understand that it is most likely not in his innate make-up to "get this" because he's not wired in a playful way. Subtlety is more than likely not going to achieve the result you are seeking.

Here is a suggestion I make to most tickling starved individuals who are trying to get a partner to play but are afraid to discuss it. Print out a story (there are a bajillawillafillion in the story section), either fiction or true, depicting the genre of ticklish play in which you wish to encourage and foster his participation. Once you print out this story, take a highlighter, or a pencil and just mark the story here and there with doodling "HOT", or "god I love this". This is a bit less subtle than simply hinting, but not as direct as a full blown conversation. This could lead to a tickle attack, or even better, it could lead to him initiating a conversation about it.

edit: you want to leave the story somewhere half hidden, but where he'll be sure to find it, so he'll think he's just stumbled upon it.

The absolute best way to approach it (to me anyway) would be to sit him down and have a conversation. A *passionate* conversation. Let him hear the absolute passion in your voice, see the yearning in your eyes as you never break eye contact, feel the loving touch of your hands while you are speaking. Don't focus on "this is what I want" as much as you focus on "this is what tickling does to me". You want him to view this not as a 'fetish' you have that he has to accomodate, but rather an absolute power he possesses to drive you insane with desire. "When you tickle me, you make me lose my mind with arousal...", or "When I think about you touching me like that, I just go absolutely crazy inside..." You want him to feel that this is an instantaneous power he has to send you into the twilight zone, rather than some silly thing you want him to do. You are seducing him with your passion. Passion is contageous. The more passionate you are about the power he has over you, the more passionate he will feel about it as well. Does this make sense?

I know that prior to being married to one of the most insatiable ticklees on the planet, I used passionate seduction on every single woman I ever dated. I let my voice drip with passion, my eyes seething with desire, never breaking eye contact as I described in detail how her beautiful laugh made me crave to hear her, how her skin made me crave to touch her, how she is so completely erotic when she's reacting to my touch. It's utterly amazing that every single one, not just some, but every single one wanted to tickle play with me, because she saw it as her sexual essence, the power of *her* driving me crazy, rather than some goofy fetish I happen to have.

Even as cliched as is sounds, the bottom line is really that life is absolutely too short not to go after whatever you crave with every single ounce of passion in every single fiber of your being.

Good luck with whatever approach you decide to take.

David

 

[catapy_girl]

I agree...

TummyDragon's approach to tickling is more sensuous than most, so I give him props. I think I understand where you're coming from. There's alot of us that are "tickle-shy." But if he's not ticklish and if you don't want to give in to your innermost fantasies and desires--and you say that divorce is not the answer--*everybody else please shut up I'M TALKING HERE!* then how are you going to nourish that spark of what I want to call ticklelust if you don't let us help you? It's okay to be scared of trying things for the first time. As children, we needed to try something for the very first time before we liked it. We gave you the idea of a sensual massage. Slowly rub him from head to toe. Try giving him sensual tickles in between. Granted, he may say he's not ticklish, but my husband said the same thing. I slowly tickled his feet one time and he busted a gut laughing! The ones who say they aren't turn out to be liars, or may find out they were after all. You'd be surprised.

 

[featherfingers]

How active are you and he sexually? I ask this because when I tickled another lady friend of mine, she said, "That feels more like foreplay!" Perhaps you can convince him to incorporate tickling as foreplay... just don't call it tickling, since that word hasn't really helped you in the past. If you and he aren't sexually active, maybe you'll need to lay low, so to speak, until he becomes a bit frisky. Is he depressed? Does he dislike his job? I wouldn't blame yourself for his lack of enthusiasm.

 

[Ayla ny]

Mr Partickler and I shared almost exactly the same marriage (but in reverse) and I couldn’t agree more that, if you have to practically beat them over the head with what you want, then you will not be happy with what they grudgingly give you.

the hard part to me is if everything else is good… I was lucky/unlucky enough to have ‘my needs not being met’ just be the icing on the cake. if I had been happy in every other way… I honestly don’t know where I would be. that’s a tough one.

I actually did what TummyDragon suggests. the story thing. only they were stories that I had written. can’t get much more crystal clear than that… but I got weird looks for my honesty. and to reiterate Mr Partickler’s point, when he did try to ‘humor’ me… yuck! I never felt more like a freak. I get the feeling that you feel like I do. I want him to want to tickle me. it doesn’t work otherwise.

I like TummyDragon’s suggestion of a “passionate conversion”! and I do like to think that a good marriage can’t be hurt by honesty… just keep the whole thing in a place that lets you still feel good about getting what you want.

good luck, ticklishdesires. however it ends up… end up happy!

 

[chode]

Ummm..........whats wrong with flat out telling him what he needs to do?

 

[tiklir]

My wife and I have beem married over fifteen years. She has never been into tickling and is not ticklish harldy at all. I needed to be myself and continue tickling. I met a woman online five years ago in the same situation with the scenario the same as yours. We talked over two years online and built a friendship. I have benn tickling her for two years now. There is no romantic inclinations..we simply enjoy each others company and do what needs to be done. My wife is suppportive of my fetish. Just offering an alternative.
So many in this forum are looking for the perfect mate, or wanting to change their mates. I do not stand in judgment of that.
But so many opportunities are being missed because of that. Look at the personals board so many posts..many looks at the most and next to nothing in replies.
Talk to people in the forum..as a previous poster said..there are many here who would enjoy tickling you. Good Luck.

 

[mart]

The problem with having a fetish like this is that it won't go away, and doesn't change that much over time - while relationships do. And the love that you feel in your marriage now may very well change in time and you will feel more and more guilty, ascribing the changes, the growing lack of intensity, to your tickling fetish, while this is actually just in the nature of how things are in relationships.

2nd Point. If he had to reveal to you a fetish that you would find really repulsive - spitting, peeing or something like that(please adapt), it would quite likely colour the way you look at him. In order to really get on over time sexually, there has to at least be some sort of compatability of fetishes, so to speak. And for many people, the very idea that one's partner could have a fetish, i.e. a sexual desire that he cannot fulfill simply by vitue of his sexiness, may be repulsive, and may colour the way he judges you.

So I would try to address the subject more circumspectly. Talk about fetishes in general, as if by the way. Mention that you saw something about it on the internet or so. See what his reaction is, and take it from there. If he really cannot relate to it at all, you will have to take what you can out of the relationship, and find satisfaction for your other needs elsewhere. At least it will give you something to fantisize about. And at some time down the line, the inevitable choice will have to be made, but by then, with a little courage and openness, it will be much easier.