Anyone use dating sites successfully? Need some advice.

[Speedbump]

I use that PlentyofFish site and I've met a few people and nothing really works out. I get very few people actually replying back to me, and while I know it's a numbers game, I could always use some advice on what I should add into my profile, or how best to go about messaging someone without coming off weird or something. lol

Anyone have any tips? Like, specific things you know has worked for you in the past? Or if you're a girl, maybe what you look for in a guy's profile (or girl... I suppose it wouldn't be much different)?

It's my best way of meeting people at the moment, so I'd like to not have a shitty profile and stuff, and I'm planning to use this information to start fresh and see what happens. 🙂

Thanks!

PS: If you have no tips and really just kept messaging people until someone finally replied, then I guess I'm doing fine for the most part. It could really be just a big numbers game. But I suppose there's always ways to improve chances.

 

[Aimee]

I always looked for:
-More than 1 picture
-What they are looking for in a girl
-Do they have a job?
-Kids?

And if I ever got messages that only said "Hey, what's up?" I wouldn't respond.
Typically, the first message should indicate that they at least read my profile...
and they could comment or ask questions on something I said.
But, at the same time (and you think this would be common sense), just asking me the typical questions-
like So what is your favorite...movie...music...food...hobbies..."-I got pretty bored.

Just as long as you can keep the conversation flowing you should be fine.

Hope this helps...
I was pretty picky when I was on dating sites so this may not be the case for every girl on PoF.

 

[Speedbump]

Well if you used the picture in your signature, then I guess you could afford to be picky. 😛

I think I need some better pictures. The ones I have up are pretty crappy. I need a full body shot. Other than that, I pretty much go through everything you said on there. The thing is, most girls on there I find to be terrible conversationalists, and very rarely will I find someone that I can actually talk to without having to really try - unfortunately, I never seem to end up being attracted to those girls, when I meet in person... oddly enough.

It's nice when I see something in the profile I can immediately talk about with that girl, or make it seem like I was interested enough to notice a little detail and put it into the messages so they know I read it, like you said, but even then, most of the time I just end up spending more time on a message to either get read/deleted, or unread/deleted. Sometimes I see there's only "read" and I think, maybe she just hasn't had the time to respond!

But then no response. lol

Anyway, just gotta keep sending 'em out with high hopes, eh?

Thanks for replying. 🙂

 

[Leo tickles]

I'm the master of dating websites!!!! Er... is that a good thing? Anyways. On an average day, when I'm off from work, I can meet and go on a date with 3-5 people from POF. Here are some of the basics.

1: Have pictures of yourself in your natural habitat. For example, I sit in my room 24/7, smoke cigarettes, and troll the TMF. I have a picture of me in my room smoking.

2: But women usually don't approve of that, so, I was out with a friend one night getting sushi and guess what, my signature pic was a candid shot she just took right outside of her apartment. She also took a pic of the sushi before we ate it. Point is, take MORE than just pictures of you sitting there or in front of a mirror. Give them the idea that you know which door leads to the outside.

3: Your profile will probably never be read by everyone, or even most. That is a good thing. But for that one cute chick that wants to read it,l make sure she learns from it. You've probably noticed how every girl on POF is "livinglifetothefullest, Igotoschooolforblahblah, and Iain'tlookingfornoonenightstand". Give them more than that. It's great that you have a degree in ____, she probably doesn't give a fuck, at least not that early. Give her an insight to YOU. Make yourself seem interesting to the point where she wants to learn more. Then, in conversation, you can tell her about everything you've done in life school wise and all of that. She will probably ask.

4: Don't be put in the friend zone. Make it clear that you want a date, relationship, whatever, and as such speak to them on the phone. Don't push her to it, but don't take three weeks, either. I don't know why or how, but I can manage getting to the phone stage with the average person on POF in 5-10 minutes, so it's possible.

5: Don't lie to them. This is more dating advice than dating site advice, but regardless, it's good advice... I think. You tell them the truth. Simply because if you do meet, and you do like her, and she does find out that you lied about something, you're back to the drawing bored feeling like a putz. Don't do it to yourself.

6: Remember that some people may not have the same common goal as you on there. If the girl is asking you questions, talks, laughs, and likes the idea of meeting, she's real. Everybody else is in it for a net buddy, or simply don't like you. And that's okay, because there are plenty of fish. 🙂

 

[Speedbump]

I'm liking Leo more and more. Great advice! I need more candid pics, and maybe I need to give less info on the profile to give her questions to ask and make her more interested?

And I should spell out all my habits she might not like right on there rather than waiting, too..,

 

[GQguy]

Solid advice by Leo!

I also suggest using some of the paid dating sites as well. POF tends to attract a ton of people....many of which aren't quality mates...this is very true from the point of view of that pretty girl. Going to a paid site eliminates alot of the guys that aren't serious, harass women, overload their PM boxes while simultaneously offering you a pool of women that's more invested in meeting someone and stopping that recurring charge. Women looking for a more quality pool of guys will pay for it.

I was on POF and met a few women. My strategy was to post great pictures of myself doing cool stuff......showing off my style and how I like to have fun. My profile was made with the goal of being laugh out loud funny. Go ahead and read some of the other guy's profiles....they're pretty sad and pathetic. A fun profile gets saved. Don't keep it too long. Short and sweet. If my pics says something...I don't need to say it. Attractive girls on dating sites have literally hundred of profiles to read.....and statistically they can't read past a seventh of eighth grade level. I also like to add possible first dates. Usually drinks, sushi.

Online dating is a painstaking process. It is a numbers game. I recommend sending out several short messages using the outline Leo and Aimee gave above. Never send out one message at a time. The more the better actually. That way you're never too invested in one woman till she's invested in you too. Being too into one woman comes off terribly over the net. Where do you meet women in real life?

Good luck
GQ

 

[Leo tickles]

What GQ said, also. I am proud of my efforts on POF because it's harder there than most places. It's free, which attracts just about everyone to it. Finding one that is serious is something to be proud of.

Also for your profile, do like a movie trailer... a good one. Get them hooked, but make them pay the price of admission to learn more. The price in this case being a phone conversation, or more personable messages than the tedious back and forth on there every couple of hours/days.

 

[T.O. Guy]

A couple years ago I wrote an article on dating websites from a man's perspective. I tried out multiple different approaches, and what I found is that the MOST IMPORTANT thing by a MILE is your pics. Post pics that make you look good.... Guys who wanna come off as a "nice guy" will tell you otherwise.... women will tell you otherwise(they'll protest until the cows come home they're not shallow)... but I tried EVERY damn combination of: in-depth bio vs basic bio, honest bio vs bio that made me look good, variety of pics, good looking pics, etc.... I tried it all.... I created 45 different profiles on 5 different websites and I can assure you that the ONE thing that affected my responses more than everything else combined was which picture set I put up(I have some pics where I look less than stellar, and some where I look amazing... truth lies somewhere in the middle)... The ONLY other things that had any effect were if my profile was longer than 25 words, and whether my opening email to the girl said something about her profile. They both HONESTLY had minor effects...

I know this makes women seem shallow.... but guess what? They are... and so are you.... and so am I!! It`s human nature... This probably isn`t the answer you wanna hear.... but after a year of intense research, it`s what I came up with....

(For the record I posted 4 profiles with absolute minimum content and great pictures, and 5 with a more realistic selection of pics, both good and bad, but with a very in depth and honest profile- the first 4 profiles received 11X the responses their counterpart did on those 4 websites and if you add in the 5th `realistic`profile from the 5th site, it would still be 10X the responses.... the numbers don`t lie)

 

[Leo tickles]

A couple years ago I wrote an article on dating websites from a man's perspective. I tried out multiple different approaches, and what I found is that the MOST IMPORTANT thing by a MILE is your pics. Post pics that make you look good.... Guys who wanna come off as a "nice guy" will tell you otherwise.... women will tell you otherwise(they'll protest until the cows come home they're not shallow)... but I tried EVERY damn combination of: in-depth bio vs basic bio, honest bio vs bio that made me look good, variety of pics, good looking pics, etc.... I tried it all.... I created 45 different profiles on 5 different websites and I can assure you that the ONE thing that affected my responses more than everything else combined was which picture set I put up(I have some pics where I look less than stellar, and some where I look amazing... truth lies somewhere in the middle)... The ONLY other things that had any effect were if my profile was longer than 25 words, and whether my opening email to the girl said something about her profile. They both HONESTLY had minor effects...

I know this makes women seem shallow.... but guess what? They are... and so are you.... and so am I!! It`s human nature... This probably isn`t the answer you wanna hear.... but after a year of intense research, it`s what I came up with....

(For the record I posted 4 profiles with absolute minimum content and great pictures, and 5 with a more realistic selection of pics, both good and bad, but with a very in depth and honest profile- the first 4 profiles received 11X the responses their counterpart did on those 4 websites and if you add in the 5th `realistic`profile from the 5th site, it would still be 10X the responses.... the numbers don`t lie)

Truth. I did these tests under both men and women profiles.

But the bigger picture, the bigger truth here is this. Nothing brought me happiness like meeting a real girl, with real pictures because I put up a real profile, with real pictures. I never met anybody under fake profiles or pics, I just wanted to test my supposed "competition".

I realized that for every girl that likes a 6 pack and muscles, there will be one girl that likes video games, and for every one of those, there will be one that likes cars. There is no such thing as ONE person for anybody. There are millions of potential matches, and one of them will meet your idea of perfect. Drop as many as you have to to find her.

 

[T.O. Guy]

OOH dude... I didn't use FAKE pics... I just have some that look better than others.... So I molded the profiles to look like I was a great looking guy with nothing to say... and compared that to being an average looking guy with tons to say... looks won out EVERY TIME....

I 100% agree that you won't find proper happiness until you meet someone with whom you are compatible in ways other than physical... all I was stating is that the best way to get the most responses is by posting your best looking pics.. and only them..

 

[BlackestLily]

I would advise you to use positive wording or descriptions of yourself. It's so weird when someone vents about how they:

A. Haven't met quality people (right in their profile!)

B. Are very depressed and yearn to be in a relationship (says needy)

C. Hate their exes and want somebody who isn't a cheating, lying ********** (regardless of the truth in this, it demonstrates how they don't respect women with the name calling and makes them look, well, a little crazy. I think we could all do without that in the profile, as I don't know anyone who DOES want a cheating, lying **********.)

Also, anytime I ran across profiles where people bragged too much or seemed to full of themselves, I was immediately turned off. They were the conversation partners who monopolized any talking about them and how great they were, or interrupted me with their own stories of glory.

It's always great to read about someone who is specific with their interests in hobbies and time:

Bad: I like to party, see friends, watch movies, and listen to music.
Good: I enjoy going up North and bringing some friends so that we can have fun fishing and grilling what we've caught. The road trip is always fun because we all bring a CD of our favorite music and blast it on the ride up! At night after the bonfire, we pick a comedy (my favorite is Ace Ventura!) and watch it together.

The good example gives you a much better feel and mental picture of the kind of person they are. The bad example is generic for everyone. Everyone I know listens to music, watches movies, and "hangs" with people.

This is what I thought of at the moment. 😀

 

[tklee88]

I met my boyfriend on OKCupid and we've been dating for a year 🙂. They work if you approach it with a good attitude. Don't go in with any intentions or expectations. I think OKCupid works better than plentyoffish with the personality tests and such. Give it a shot. Good luck 🙂.

 

[kopfhorer]

Blackestlily - You speak the truth!

My two cents: If you're a good writer, whip out your best writing chops. Write a profile, then save it on your hard drive and wait a day or so. Edit it. Trust me on this. You need to let a piece of writing "sit" for at least day or so. When you come back to it, you'll be amazed at what you'll find that needs work, however good a writer you are.

If you aren't a good writer, find someone who is. Pay them a reasonable sum if need be.

T.O. Guy - Your advice about pictures makes perfect sense,. We live in the days of Flickr, Youtube and 42-inch high-resolution TV sets.

 

[me4o]

Dating sites never really worked for me. Only twice did I have some success. Once with a girl who was originally Bulgarian, but lived in the Ukraine, and once with a woman who is a bit older than me. When I say success, I don't mean we dated or something, but we had lovely conversations. I still chat with the second woman, but she is 35 and I'm 23, so it would be a bit hard for us to have a relationship. She's a good friend though, I like her a lot. Other than these two, I haven't had a lot of positive emotions with dating sites. I tend to attract single mothers or gay guys, and that's not what I'm looking for 😀 So my advice would be- forget this type of communication, go out, have fun and find a nice girl someplace else 🙂

 

[Speedbump]

Dating sites never really worked for me. Only twice did I have some success. Once with a girl who was originally Bulgarian, but lived in the Ukraine, and once with a woman who is a bit older than me. When I say success, I don't mean we dated or something, but we had lovely conversations. I still chat with the second woman, but she is 35 and I'm 23, so it would be a bit hard for us to have a relationship. She's a good friend though, I like her a lot. Other than these two, I haven't had a lot of positive emotions with dating sites. I tend to attract single mothers or gay guys, and that's not what I'm looking for 😀 So my advice would be- forget this type of communication, go out, have fun and find a nice girl someplace else 🙂

I am doing a mix of both. I'm shy and completely clueless when it comes to girls and dating. I can talk to them as friends, but when it comes to the next step, I have no idea what I'm doing. So that's why I kinda go to the dating site. When it comes to dating sites, I tried messaging different types of girls, and I've only gotten bigger girls which I don't find that attractive, or if I do talk to someone I think is kinda attractive, I always have to force conversation and she's boring as hell.

Now, I've gone to meet with two bigger girls on POF (one obese, one not as big, and not bad or anything, but I didn't feel anything towards her), and both of those girls were willing to have sex with me from the get-go and told me so, haha... but I didn't. Sooo... if you're into bigger women, as always, life will be easier. 😛

 

[Leo tickles]

I am doing a mix of both. I'm shy and completely clueless when it comes to girls and dating. I can talk to them as friends, but when it comes to the next step, I have no idea what I'm doing. So that's why I kinda go to the dating site. When it comes to dating sites, I tried messaging different types of girls, and I've only gotten bigger girls which I don't find that attractive, or if I do talk to someone I think is kinda attractive, I always have to force conversation and she's boring as hell.

Now, I've gone to meet with two bigger girls on POF (one obese, one not as big, and not bad or anything, but I didn't feel anything towards her), and both of those girls were willing to have sex with me from the get-go and told me so, haha... but I didn't. Sooo... if you're into bigger women, as always, life will be easier. 😛

Mind the difference between a bigger woman and a morbidly obese slut with no self esteem. There IS a difference. Don't let the bump on your cock be the way you find out. 🙂

The point in dating is to find somebody to be by your side as your equal. If you have an argument for that statement, Adult Friend Finder is your friend. Otherwise, you have to respect your partner. Going on dates with people you aren't attracted to is rather pointless... in my opinion.

 

[LeatherTrap]

As a prelude to all that I include below, I've tried quite a few dating sites and it has been my experiences that have led me to my current opinions.

First off, I avoid sites that make you pay up front. It's not about being cheap, because I wasted a whole bunch of money on those sites. The fact is, they have a specific business model that encourages them to attract clients with existing profiles. e.g. Someone goes on the site and finds some pictures that makes him or her want to message the user, but must sign up first. Or, even worse, they can only browse X # of profiles in a limited fashion before they have to be a member.

Why is this bad? Because it encourages them to create fake profiles or showcase only the most popular profiles, even if the users deleted their profile long ago or haven't logged on in a decade. It's a shitty tactic, and one I don't endorse.

Now, that's not saying that free dating sites couldn't benefit from similar tactics, but the return on such things is not as great. Instead, they benefit from advertisements, which benefit them from a higher retention of users.

Anyways, OKCupid.com has my personal seal of approval. It's a fun site run by fun people. But more than that, they put effort into aspects other than just revenue. They run a blog where they analyze aspects of the online dating scene, and the results are absolutely fascinating. You want to know your best bet with a profile? It's your picture. Want to know what you can do to make your picture stand out. OKCupid took a look at it.

Read it. Read the entire thing. And then you should read this, about other aspects of a good photo. (Warning: gets a little technical at times regarding photography)

Sending a message to someone you're interested in? Read this.

The other articles are truly interesting, but they don't address the questions here.

One final piece of advice regarding photos. Wear something red. This is a purely psychological thing; red is the color of power and attraction. I'm not saying that it will guarantee attraction, but it will give you a slight edge on the very important first look your photo provides.

Anyways, there it is. You're now prepared to be as completely ineffective at online dating as I've been.

 

[me4o]

I am doing a mix of both. I'm shy and completely clueless when it comes to girls and dating. I can talk to them as friends, but when it comes to the next step, I have no idea what I'm doing. So that's why I kinda go to the dating site. When it comes to dating sites, I tried messaging different types of girls, and I've only gotten bigger girls which I don't find that attractive, or if I do talk to someone I think is kinda attractive, I always have to force conversation and she's boring as hell.

Now, I've gone to meet with two bigger girls on POF (one obese, one not as big, and not bad or anything, but I didn't feel anything towards her), and both of those girls were willing to have sex with me from the get-go and told me so, haha... but I didn't. Sooo... if you're into bigger women, as always, life will be easier. 😛

But are you looking for a serious relationship, or you're just looking to get laid? And about you being clueless when it comes to dating- just try to relax, invite someone to the cinema, or to a restaurant, or for coffee...you don't need to make something grand on the first date, because most likely the girl will think you are some kind of psycho. Just try the regular stuff I mentioned, maybe get a flower, don't blush and stare at the ground while talking and everything will be fine 🙂

 

[Leo tickles]

Most paid websites are all about showing off a picture they think the general population would like. They mostly target males. Nothing like paying 20 dollars to send a message to somebody that either doesn't exist or doesn't reply.

Haven't done it personally, but I've heard horror stories.

 

[kopfhorer]

First off, I avoid sites that make you pay up front. It's not about being cheap, because I wasted a whole bunch of money on those sites. The fact is, they have a specific business model that encourages them to attract clients with existing profiles. e.g. Someone goes on the site and finds some pictures that makes him or her want to message the user, but must sign up first. Or, even worse, they can only browse X # of profiles in a limited fashion before they have to be a member.

Why is this bad? Because it encourages them to create fake profiles or showcase only the most popular profiles, even if the users deleted their profile long ago or haven't logged on in a decade. It's a shitty tactic, and one I don't endorse.

That very tactic is what turned me off to AdultFriendFinder several years ago. Making people pony up in order to get to do more than just look and wink is one thing. Blatant fraud and rip-off is quite another.

That aside, my observations seem to indicate that on the few dating sites I've been to, single women in my age range (mid-50s) only want a husband. If they don't like one-night stands, fine. I'm not so sure they're my cup of tea either. But I'm not looking for the most direct path to the altar, just as they're not looking for the shortest route to the bedroom. (Other women my age only seem to want veal, including the vegetarians, if you know what I mean!)

 

[socktickler86]

Anyways, OKCupid.com has my personal seal of approval. It's a fun site run by fun people. But more than that, they put effort into aspects other than just revenue. They run a blog where they analyze aspects of the online dating scene, and the results are absolutely fascinating. You want to know your best bet with a profile? It's your picture. Want to know what you can do to make your picture stand out. OKCupid took a look at it.

Read it. Read the entire thing. And then you should read this, about other aspects of a good photo. (Warning: gets a little technical at times regarding photography)

Sending a message to someone you're interested in? Read this.

Most of that stuff is truly mind boggling to me. Something just feels odd about being able to do such a statistical analysis on dating trends. It feels like you're throwing as many darts out in such a correct way until you start hitting bullseyes. I guess we just were never raised to think "the story of your true love will begin that day you sent out your 500th scrutinized to perfection message to a girl whose picture, with proper use of f/8 ISO 400 exposure and short exposure length, achieved an 80% response rate and fell in love with your use of words that achieved a >50% reply rate". It almost feels like it's telling people that you and your instincts are not good enough; that you need to become better in these weird, technical ways, before anyone will accept you.

Not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with this at all. Hell, I'm probably going to take a lot of the advice. It just feels odd.

 

[LeatherTrap]

I guess we just were never raised to think "the story of your true love will begin that day you sent out your 500th scrutinized to perfection message to a girl whose picture, with proper use of f/8 ISO 400 exposure and short exposure length, achieved an 80% response rate and fell in love with your use of words that achieved a >50% reply rate". It almost feels like it's telling people that you and your instincts are not good enough; that you need to become better in these weird, technical ways, before anyone will accept you.

Nail on the head. Our instincts were all we generally had to go on when the advice that has structured the modern view of romance and relationships were first structured and subsequently drilled into our social mentality.

The Internet threw a big 'ole monkey wrench into that, among a great number of other things. Instantaneous communication, data out the wazoo and the ability to sort through more content than is normally possible through a physical equivalent.

The fact is, it's not that we as people are insufficient to be accepted, but that we are being judged from a growing pool of candidates. Your instincts are fine when you're dealing with being one out of a hundred or a thousand, but online you're one in ten thousand or more. You didn't change; the selection of people you're being compared to changed.

Women on dating sites generally receive a lot more messages than men. A LOT. I won't try to reiterate what the well-written and well-researched articles of okCupid have to say, but I will say this: in an age when we can use technology to sort through thousands of objects, be it cameras on Amazon or people on a dating site, we can weed out a lot of objects we are reasonably sure we wouldn't be interested in. The remaining objects are now a selection we know are satisfactory, but having to pick only one, smaller and smaller details will be scrutinized in order to judge which we prefer.

I hate it. I hate it and I love it. The pros and cons are so extreme to my own senses of efficiency and romantic idealism, it's a major conflict. But it is what it is, and we can only work with what is.

 

[kopfhorer]

...Anyways, OKCupid.com has my personal seal of approval. It's a fun site run by fun people. But more than that, they put effort into aspects other than just revenue. They run a blog where they analyze aspects of the online dating scene, and the results are absolutely fascinating. You want to know your best bet with a profile? It's your picture. Want to know what you can do to make your picture stand out. OKCupid took a look at it.Read it. Read the entire thing. And then you should read this, about other aspects of a good photo. (Warning: gets a little technical at times regarding photography)

As an advanced amateur who has made the occasional buck with a camera, what OK Cupid says about camera quality, lighting techniques and depth-of-field make perfect sense.

But I refuse to buy an Iphone. You've got to draw the line somewhere! 🙂

Anyway, I've injured my jaw several times when it hit the floor after looking at the unbelievably poor quality of some of the pictures which certain men and women expect to get prospective dates interested in them. My advice: read up on basic photography if you haven't already. Check out other photographers' portraiture work on sites like Flickr and photo.net.

Sending a message to someone you're interested in? Read this.

Again, this is fairly solid information.

One final piece of advice regarding photos. Wear something red. This is a purely psychological thing; red is the color of power and attraction. I'm not saying that it will guarantee attraction, but it will give you a slight edge on the very important first look your photo provides.

Back in the 1960s, magazine ads for cars very often showed new models in striking colors like for instance, red. Few people then actually bought cars in those colors, but the colors chosen for the ads got the cars noticed.

 

[Rusty Shackleford]

From like 15-21 I had three serious relationships, each lasting roughly the same amount of time (more or less than two years). The first was my "first love" (puppy love bullshit, loss of virginity, etc). The second was a bit more serious (and the most sexually adventurous) but way to tumultuous... the third was with the only women I've ever moved in with and shared a bed; we eventually suffocated each other.

My point is, I feel like I've had a fair amount of long-term relationships (albeit in my youth) and my thoughts on the subject now are kinda "been there done that". The hand-holding, pet names and midnight spooning sure is nice, but the phone calls, inherent cost and all the other baggage that goes along with a "serious" relationship really burned me out.

Now, in my early twenties, the last thing I want is a relationship; I love fast, loose, sexually carnivorous women. One night stands, weekend flings, that kinda crap. I'm not claiming I'm Don Juan, but I usually don't go home empty-handed, either... It feels good to prowl, and I've found promiscuous women of ill-repute are way more (transient) fun than a nice girl you bring to dinner and the movies.

This doesn't mean I'm averse to a relationship, it simply means I'm not always looking for one as I was as a kid. If the right women comes along, I have no reservations wooing, courting, and eventually marrying... but that's a big "if".


I don't think one should actively "seek" out a mate... sure, it makes statistical sense to take advantage of dating websites and the like, but I'm of the mind that whenever two like souls should happen to meet, organically, the sparks fly faster and hotter than an antiseptic, contrived correspondence over the interwebs. Call me old-fashioned.



I still think a healthy social life is the only way to really "play the field" if you're so inclined to do so... I have lots of friends in various circles; different people, different walks of life. Most of the girls I've met in my life haven't been from bars or mixers or dating websites, it's been through hanging out and being introduced. What's better, an attractive picture and a witty, cute profile, or a stellar recommendation from a close, trusted friend?




I say, love yourself more than anyone else, and chicks will notice... hahah, they're always so curious to find out if you're really as cool as you think you are.

Good luck!