Are you marry or in a long term relationship

[ticklingfeet4fu]

A TMF Relationship

I have been with Sadira since March 1st, 2005. Many of you know us in the community as the couple who run the Michigan Gathering. I myself have been divorced after 7 years of marriage and lost EVERYTHING except my son. I still to this day think that marriage is a great institution. A relationship cannot be one-sided. It has to be worked on. It must be nurtured ( like a flower ) for it to grow and be sucessful. If both sides do not work at it, it will never work. I love Sadira and I will marry her someday. That is fact. It is only a matter of time. But marriage does not stink. If you are a generally lazy person, don't get married. If you are hard-working, compassionate, honest, giving, caring, sharing and loving individuals, then if you find the right person who is like that, you have a chance at a happy relationship. Marriage and relationships aren't about sex alone. Work hard as you do at your job or anything else you do in life and you have a chance.

As a side note: I happen to agree with Professor Tkl. Not just because I know him and we are good friends but because he makes sense. I have watched his relationship blossom with Lady Sunset as they have watch Sadira's and my relationship blossom. Values and hardwork are the key. They worked hard to make their relationship work. You will not find two nicer people.

 

[Angel_2]

Me and my Girl have been going for almost a year

 

[Aachen1983]

I am engaged and will be getting married in October.

 

[tklcouple]

perspectives

Headsnap and Saeria, and my fellow ticklephiles,

I am sorry to hear of your bad experiences. It is true that marriage is not for everyone - some of us are "called" so to speak to be single. That said, it is my belief (repeat that caveat MY humble belief) that most of us are better off with a mate to allow us to grow as human beings. Take it from somebody who went through a living hell of a marraige and a divorce that while the worst my attorney (with decades of experience) has ever seen was all worth dissolving the legal relationship. Suffice it to say that I have so much reason as anyone to have been wary of marraige. TF4F can verify for me on that one.

That having been said, eventually through post divorce dating I got to find out that the old "all women are the same" notion is not true. (Same for men, ladies). Yes there are trends, that's for sure. To me dating is an educational experience - you are finding out everything you can about people of the gender of your preference and the different personalities out there as well as about yourself. This is not a simple task. In addition popular culture deceives us by usually displaying dating as either some sort of sequential orgy type ritual or as commiting permanently to the first person you go out with twice or the first person with whom you have any physical romantic experience. I submit to you that both of these extreme notions are counterproductive and even dangerous. It has been my experience that dating is something more of the mind first, then of the heart and then of the body. Take that out of order, mess up the proportions and like any recipie - for even the most wonderful dish on earth - and you can blow it.

And here is a seemingly obvious fact that most of us never think about: Most people we are attracted to are NOT compatable with us. Sounds obvious, but how often do we have some expectation that everyone we are attracted to, or certainly everyone we date should be compatable with us. This idea that most people are not compatable with us logically makes sense because it is in fact true. But there is often a great chasm between the head and the heart. This is why we can often give great dating advice to our friends but be a lousy example ourselves.

In addition our attractions are subconscious, i.e. we think we consciously "choose" our partner but without a great deal of introspection and bringing our issues and trends to the surface, we WILL make the same mistake over and over again. How may times have you heard "I keep dating the same jerk (in a different body) over and over again!". This again is not a process we are taught about. We are given romantic notions depicted with the whirlwind passion seen on TV and this is usually not only far from realistic but not nearly as good as reality. Don't get me wrong, genuine whirlwind romance does exist but there is an element of knowing in your head that the match is right before your heart is in a position where it is wise to commit providing fertile ground for that romance - the product of true emotional and spiritual intimacy.

How about this: If there are any major concerns, any "red flags" that show up early on, get out before you become attached! That is the most valuable piece of advice I could have ever followed. Then you may think "But Professor, I keep dumping people left and right and have no boyfriend/girlfriend to speak of!" I would then say to you in response "Good! You have eliminated many a Mr./Ms. Wrong! After all, last I knew you only need one mate for life not all those people! Make sure you are ready and you know what you are looking for and keep going, you are on your way!" Far from failing, in eliminating the wrong people you have succeeded in avoiding disaster and coming one step closer to either determining you are meant to be single or finding an available compatable person. There are according to Leo Buscaglia about 5000 such persons for each of us alive in the world today, so when we find what one is like, find one who feels as we do at the right place at the right time we must then choose whether to love. Yes my friends, love is a choice. You cannot make love where none exists but you can choose to not love or to do so where the potential does exist. Attraction is not a choice - no doubt about that, but true love is in large part a choice and a commitment in and of itself. And since this is an adult forum, we all know that attraction and love are not the same thing.

I wish you all the best of luck in the pursuit of happiness. May it become effortless for each of you!

With best regards,

Professor Tkl


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[BrightEyes1082]

We've been together since November 18, 2004, and are getting married on 1/13/07. as if none of you knew that... heh...

 

[lojak]

Been together for just under two years, married for a month today! We've both been there and done that before. When with the right person, marraige is a source of joy which can allow us to grow beyond our instinctive humanity to become better people. (And growth is painful as a rule, but when the fruit of one's labor is sweet enough the blood, sweat and tears are worthwhile).

Marry the wrong person, or at the wrong time, etc. and life can be a living nightmare with a stiff price for awakening -especially if you are a man married to a woman. (Make no mistake about it - a marraige certificate is the most binding contract in America - period.) And the emotional and social price usually exceeds the fiscal one which is bad enough - unless you are the legal counsel for one of the parties involved.

In one man's (Professor Tkl) humble opinion, part of the problem lies in that our society invests its time and energy in the wrong endeavors. We are very concerned with our kids wearing the right clothes, listening to the right music, reciting rote useless politically correct factoids and mantras of no real use to them in the world (which makes them often no different than the adults that surround them). Their role models are not those who give their time and effort to bettering society (eg teachers, scientists, peacemakers, etc.) but rather often professional athletes who act like babies in the bodies of grown men, rock stars with the most depraved examples of selfish immorality possible, and actors with an arrogance and selfish lifestyle regarding other people as disposable to rival the rock stars and athletes.

In short, nobody teaches us how to choose a mate wisely; this is ancient wisdom likely in part lost with the "cultural revolution" forty years ago. Then on top of it who teaches us how to have a successful marraige once we have one - especially since greater than 50% of American marraiges fail. Don't get me wrong- that first try at marraige can be an opportunity to learn a great deal, but it is often one in a series of the same mistake over and over saying to oneself "it was all his/her fault". Sure we now have Niel Clark Warren, Dr. Phil, Harville Hendrix and others. But somehow that is only a glimmer of a needed cultural shift. God bless these folks for doing so much to make a difference, but without exactly that -a change in culture the present course of American societal decline wil continue. As a "caveat" of sorts I must specifically say "American" as that is my nation and I cannot really speak of too many others as I have lived in the US my whole life, ergo things may be different in Europe, Asia, South America, etc. and therefore to generalize to other cultures would be presumptive.

When searching for a mate, it is so important to have a well articulated idea of what you are looking for - like written down and referred to. One's standards should be high, after all you are making a one time, lifetime decision, and "investment" so to speak. On top of that there is the wisdom that single and happy first is generally the only way to become married and happy later. Exceptions may happen rarely, but only rarely.

Ergo, perhaps it's like being a farmer: choose the right seed at the right time in the right soil, seek advice from successful farmers and work hard treating your work with care and diligence and you will reap great fruits and a feast to feed both of you and your family forever. Pick the wrong stuff, don't take care of it, be foolish enough to ignore advice from the wise and accomplished and don't be shocked when you are starving with an otherwise barren field full of weeds. I personally consult the almanac. 🙂

Just my $0.02. Best regards to all from a very happily married couple, with best luck and wishes to those in search of the same and congratulations to those who have found it.

Best wishes,

Professor Tkl and Lady Sunset

YEA!!!! WHAT HE/SHE SAID.