Ask Alchemy (you know you want to)

[alchemy]

Time is an illusion...supper time doubly so.

Hahaha! I saw that episode! It's one of my favorites! I love it when he mistakes the curtain for a time rift! LOL

Okay, my question for alchy.....

Why do they air commercials for erectile disfunction / irregularities / tampons and sanitary napkins / douche / 'personal massage warming oil' / diarrhea / yeast infection cream every single night for a 3 hour block during the supper hours??

Hey Mimi!

Oh, that's easy. Because that's prime viewing time! That's the time that those bastards in the quasi-medical field want to peddle their snake oil (that always sounded suggestive to me). Do you think they care about the people out their trying to enjoy their meals? HA! Those despots don't even care whether people live or die (which explains most of their products). Those commertials are basically saying this:

"HEY! HEY, YOU...OVER THERE! Yeah, I see you trying not to watch...well LISTEN UP! You're sick. You know it and we know it. Don't try and deny it because according to us, everyone is at least a little sick. HEY! Ok, put the fork down and listen! You see this pill right here? Huh? Do ya? Let me tell you something...you NEED it. In fact, you need a bunch of them...daily...after meals, before meals, during meals, and all the times in between. Ask you doctor! Come on, we dare ya! Ask him ya putz! He'll tell ya! So...BUY IT! BUY IT NOW!"

So...hope that helps Mimi!

 

[venray]

Ray..duder...you gotta get out more. Yeah..no..put the asparagus down...and slowly back away.

Well what do ya know...IT WORKS!........Thanks Dude!.....

 

[slacker2114]

Ok, I have a question that just defies the laws of common sense...

Why do advertisers say something is "New & Improved" when any moron can plainly see that this is impossible? For the common sense challenged, "new" implies it's never been around before and "improved" implies it already existed and got an upgrade.

 

[alchemy]

More than meets the eye!

Ok, I have a question that just defies the laws of common sense...

Why do advertisers say something is "New & Improved" when any moron can plainly see that this is impossible? For the common sense challenged, "new" implies it's never been around before and "improved" implies it already existed and got an upgrade.

Hello again Slack!

New and improved huh? A better question would be: Why does everything that's "new and improved" suck? I mean, if I was going to have the balls to take something that everybody likes and has no problem with and mess with it, I would make damn sure that it actually WAS new and improved. I know what you're thinking, that could never ever happen because the phrase "new and improved" inherently means "starts sucking now". I'm telling you though man, I'm pretty sure I could change all that.
How?
Man, you gotta show some people EVERYTHING. Yeah, fine. I mean, don't start go taking my word for things here. Make ol' Alchemy prove it to you. Make him prove his awesomeness once again. Fine Slacky, you wore me down.
And just to show you that I mean business, I'm going to go out on a limb here and mess with something that is always going to be cool....Optimus Prime.
Watch in amazement as I actually make Optimus even cooler than he was. NO....I'll not only make him cooler, but I'll make him NEW AND IMPROVED ULTRA PRIME! (see attached)

So, as you can see Slacko, it is possible to actually make something that was already cool much cooler.
I mean, that was easy...what the hell is wrong with those corporate bastards?

 

[slacker2114]

This question just occured to me and I figured who better to ask than Alchemy?

Anyway, here it is.....It's football season again, and I'm forced to wonder about the many states that don't have a football team. The question is.....who do they root for? Or do they just watch full-contact crocheting or something?

 

[alchemy]

I....Live....again!

This question just occured to me and I figured who better to ask than Alchemy?

Anyway, here it is.....It's football season again, and I'm forced to wonder about the many states that don't have a football team. The question is.....who do they root for? Or do they just watch full-contact crocheting or something?

Hey there Geddy! Back for more of the ol' Alchemy wisdom huh? Ok well, sit back and relax as I make fu....answer your question.

A better question would be, "WHY don't these states have football teams?"
I mean, If Arizona can somehow have a team, any state could/should have one...well...any state but Idaho of course. I think the reason these states don't have teams is because these are places in which nothing ever happens...ever. Can you imaging Idaho's NFL team? As you know, NFL teams are USUALLY named after something that the state is famous for. What's Idaho famous for? Potatoes. What are they going to be called, the Idaho Spuds? Or how about the Delaware...uh...the Delaware Toll Booths? Now there's a team I would root for..the Toll Booths. You messed with the Toll Booths...and now it's time to pay the price!
Now, I suppose they could draw from the bone-pile of unused mascots like Jacksonville and Carolina did...like...oh...the Sharks...the Emus....the Manta Rays (cause people are scared of those things now)...the Spiders...the Garden Rakes... You get the idea.
If they wanted to be really cool, they could have some mythicial mascots...like the Trolls....the Ogres....the Loc Ness Monsters...the Cupacabras...Yeah, that would be awesome.
Anyway, Slacky...that's my theory anyway. In order to warrent the need for an NFL team, it appears that something...anything...has to happen in your state...at some point...and, let me tell you, Idaho was pretty quiet the last time I was there...good potatoes though.

As to who they root for? Hmmmm....It's been my experience that anybody that doesn't have a team/follow a team/doesn't care about anything or anyone decides to root for the Dallas Cowboys. And since states are just large collections of people, I Imagine most of those loser states are Dallas Cowboy states...for they are America's Default Team.

Hope that helps Slackman.
Thanks for the question!

 

[Mz Chaos]

If prunes are dried plums...
Where does prune juice come from?


Pretending for the sake of the question that cloning is allowed and legal...
If a woman gives birth to a clone of herself...
1. What has she given birth to? (ie: daughter... identical twin... etc.)
2. Wouldn't the father of her child be the same as her own?
3. Would her father have to pay child support?

 

[unclebill]

Is the Hokey Pokey really what its all about???

 

[Mz Chaos]

How young can you be, but still die of old age?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

 

[Mz Chaos]

Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?

What's the opposite of opposite?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 

[alchemy]

Attack of the questions!

If prunes are dried plums...
Where does prune juice come from?


Pretending for the sake of the question that cloning is allowed and legal...
If a woman gives birth to a clone of herself...
1. What has she given birth to? (ie: daughter... identical twin... etc.)
2. Wouldn't the father of her child be the same as her own?
3. Would her father have to pay child support?

Mz Chaos....Mzzzzzzzzzzz Chaos...hmm...what's with the MZ anyway? I mean, what does it stand for? Mastodon Zipper? Many Zillions? Mustard Zone? Monster Zipper? Metal Zone Chaos? THAT must be it! Metal Zone Chaos! Awesome name! Anyway, now that THAT's cleared up.

So Mustard Zone, you got some questions I see....let's get to some of those

You wanna know about prune juice? Yeah, I tried some of that before. My grandfather had some in their refrigerator...who know's why old people buy stuff like that. I'll tell you, it wasn't very good at all. In fact, it was one of the worst juices I've ever had. Not only that, it makes you go to the bathroom quite a lot. Now...if someone came up to me...and handed me a glass of brown-ish, sickly looking liquid and said "Here, drink this. It tastes nasty and it'll give you the runs"...I would not only NOT drink it, but I would throw it back in their face and kick them in the shin. As to how the stuff is made...I don't think that it's MADE so much as it's congealed. I mean...prunes...and humans...and crap might be in the process somewhere...but as to the specifics...I think that there are certain things that human beings were never intended to know.

Next question...

Clones huh? Let see here....a woman...giving birth to her clone...daughter...child support?! Hold on hold on hold on...you haven't even given birth to your own clone yet and you're already harping about child support?! Damn...you women scare me sometimes...
Anyway, if you're deranged enough to actually want to birth your own clone:

1. It would be you...physiologically anyway
2. Since it came out of you, it would technically be your daughter
3. It would NOT be your identical twin since it was not born at the same time as you
4. You would be your OWN father/mother since YOUR DNA was used
5. You get no child support....ever. Sucks for you.
6. If you like prune juice...it probably will too

ugh....

Hope that helps Mustard!

 

[alchemy]

Questions in the towerrrrrr!

Is the Hokey Pokey really what its all about???

Hey...unclebill? Is that really YOU unclebill? I...I thought you were dead! I guess you're not though since you're talking to me. Cool. So...lets talk about the no cards/presents/money being sent my way for the years I thought you were dead. Yeah! Let's talk about THAT unclebill!
I'm ok...

Now...the Hokey Pokey huh? Well...on the surface it may appear to be all deep and philosophical and all...I mean, you put your leg in, you take your leg out and all that. Some people have theorized that it is a metaphor for life dealing with proactive involvement and commitment. I'm hear to tell you though that the Hokey Pokey...in all it's majesty...is just a silly silly song invented by brain-dead adults in the 50's as entertainment for other brain-dead adults that were unable to go skiing like everyone else. It's busy-work for the socially inept...nothing more.

Anyway Billy, don't belive everything you hear...cause there are lots of dumb people out there. I mean, just go driving once in a while and count the number of idiots/cretins/morons you encounter. Yeah...it'll be a pretty high number.
...now, about those presents...

 

[alchemy]

And the questions come in the niiiiiiiight!

How young can you be, but still die of old age?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Wow Mustard Zone...aren't you the inquisitive one? How's that clone coming?

Young is a relative term...as in your relatives used to be young...at some point.
That really depends upon the average life span of a society. If the average life span in a culture was 30...and a person died at the age of 29, you could say they died of old age. So, in order for a person to die of old age, they must die of "natural causes" around or eclipsing the number(s) that their society considers to be old age. In our current culture...where youth ( and I mean really stupid youth) is king, if you are over...oh...about 25, you can die of old age.

Why is there no light in the freezer? I think it's because most people own the over/under fridge/freezer set up and, unlike the bottom fridge part, the freezer is at eye level. Also, most people spend more time looking for things in their fridge than in their freezer.
It's also a safety mechanism for finding spoiled food. I mean, what do you have to worry about in the freezer...freezer burn? OOOO! Scary! The fridge, however, is notorious for being a breeding ground for all sorts of new lifeforms. I mean, without the light, these things could sit undiscovered in the back of the fridge for years. They might even begin to evolve intelligence of their own...and that's the last thing I need to worry about...being menaced by bits of hyper-intelligent tuna casserole.

3. Zero degrees? Damn. I don't think I want to live anywhere that actually manages to get to zero degrees. I mean, forget trying to write your name in the snow...it would freeze before you even finished with the first letter. That would suck all kinds of ass.
Twice as cold...this is why I don't watch the news anymore. If those idiot weather people are actually talking like that, they need to be forced to give the weather outside...IN THE WEATHER. Take that you prick in a suit!
If it's zero degrees and it's going to be twice as cold....well....anything times zero would be zero...but assuming that these mental midgets that give the weather are not talking literally, I'd say it'll be a bit below zero. That's my best answer to that.
Stupid weather pricks....

 

[alchemy]

Like questions through an hourglass

Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?

What's the opposite of opposite?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Hey Mustard, I have a question for you....HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR MYSPACE LATELY?! Yeah...never use photobucket.

Ugh....MORE temperature questions?! Look, see that window over there? Outside of that window is all sorts of air...and wind...and...bugs... This is called weather. Weather, like most things in life, can only be judged by individual people. Cold to one person might be warm to another...OR...cold to one animal might be warm to another. It depends upon what you adapted to.

The opposite of opposite is....the same...as in the weather questions are the opposite of opposite.

There are several reasons that there is not mouse-flavored cat food.

1. Mouse, like everything else, probably just tastes like chicken. So...technically, there is mouse-flavored cat food...it's called chicken flavored.

2. Another popular misconception is that cat food is supposed to appeal to cats. This is wrong. Cat food is suppose to appeal to the OWNERS of cats...us. Look at the flavors....chicken, tuna, beef,....these are all things that WE enjoy. What do cats eat if left to their own devices? Mice, rats, birds, roaches, other bugs, grass, lizards. They can't have cat food flavored any of those things because nobody would buy them. We humans have to look at a can of catfood and say "Tuna flavored...I bet that would be good."

Hope that helps mustard...and buy a weather rock for God sakes.

Until next time, this is Alchemy reminding you that electricity is your friend...and if it hurts, that's it's way of say how much it loves you.

 

[Babbles]

(OMG he *does look like his siggy....)

(After forwarding this thread to Saturday Night Live, which is in dire need of re-vamping Had no idea deathly dark rock-ists could be such hilarious Kibitzer stand-ins....)

So, Dear Ab--Alchemy,

1. Other than Granny glasses, would you recommend wearing a Viking helmet, a Schnoz, or a polyester cape to enhance crystal-ball reading abilities?

2. Do real men wear pink? (Already formed an opinion but would love to hear yours....)

3. Does cutting a metalist's hair cause a musical chemical reaction? Do you go up an octave? Do you use them to supplement guitar strings that snap in concert?

Ok, I'm falling asleep, pardon the stupid questions, mind needs caffeine and isn't getting it... or spinach.... or asparagus....? You people are seriously formidable rips....

 

[alchemy]

Let down your golden questions...hair...

(After forwarding this thread to Saturday Night Live, which is in dire need of re-vamping Had no idea deathly dark rock-ists could be such hilarious Kibitzer stand-ins....)

So, Dear Ab--Alchemy,

1. Other than Granny glasses, would you recommend wearing a Viking helmet, a Schnoz, or a polyester cape to enhance crystal-ball reading abilities?

2. Do real men wear pink? (Already formed an opinion but would love to hear yours....)

3. Does cutting a metalist's hair cause a musical chemical reaction? Do you go up an octave? Do you use them to supplement guitar strings that snap in concert?

Ok, I'm falling asleep, pardon the stupid questions, mind needs caffeine and isn't getting it... or spinach.... or asparagus....? You people are seriously formidable rips....

Hey there Babbles. Hmmm...your screen-name makes me think of the legendary Tower of Babble. ....just thought I'd mention that.

Anyway Rapunzel as to your questions:

Hmmm...viking helmet, schnoz, or cape.... Actually any of those things might work. Also, wearing a really cool watch will do wonders to boost your sales....I mean...help your crystal ball reading abilities. They would be like, "Say pal, that's a pretty cool watch you got there!" And you'd be all like "You're paying in cash, right? Cause we don't accept personal checks here." Yeah, that would work. As to one of the things you mentioned, I would go with the viking helmet. I mean, would YOU question the wisdom of fortune telling viking? I know I wouldn't.

Pink.... I would say mostly no...but it also depends upon the time period and situation. I know lots of those hair-metal bands back in the 80's wore the pink spandex...and the pink bandanas...and the pink hair...and drove the pink sports-car limo things with the swimming pools full of naked women in the back, but that was a different time and situation. Also, they were not trying to be dark. They were trying to be poppy and radio-friendly. So...they kinda got away with it. I've also seen Eddie Van Halen and David Lee Roth wear pink from time to time...but I think in their case, they were simply too drunk/messed up to care what they wore. Orgasmo's costume was Pink as well...hmmm. So my answer: With a few exceptions, mostly no.

Cutting a metalist hair? Ok, now THAT's just wrong. As for a musical, chemical reaction, it DOES cause one...you start to suck. It actually causes a horrible chemical imbalance in your brain that makes you want to do things like stop playing guitar solos, cover Bob Seger songs and set your previously awesome music to muzak. *shudders* I guess sometimes it could change your voice as well...you know...to fit your new softer, less aggresive muzak..errrr...music.
Yeah...never EVER do that. That's just sick.
um....don't put hair on your guitar either.

Thanks for the questions and remember Rapunzel, never cut a metalist's hair...or yours either really...

 

[slacker2114]

If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

If Helen Keller falls in the woods and no one else is around, does she make a sound?

If I keep making this face, will it really freeze like that?

Has having smelly armpits ever had any kind of practical use in the history of mankind?

 

[alchemy]

Revenge of the Questions

If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

If Helen Keller falls in the woods and no one else is around, does she make a sound?

If I keep making this face, will it really freeze like that?

Has having smelly armpits ever had any kind of practical use in the history of mankind?

MORE interesting questions Geddy? Ok, I'll bite.

1. Street-crime. But only in upperclass neighborhoods when the cameras are on them. I mean, why do a good deed if nobody is going to see it?

2. That depends upon how hard she falls, what she falls on, and if she then gets torn apart by rabid wolves. More than likely, though, I'd say a big no to that.

3. Yes...yes it will. So....you know...keep doing it.

4. Actually, yes. It wasn't until just recently that the "perfume for your armpits" was invented. That's why so many people today walk around smelling like fucking pine trees. Sure, in modern society, nobody likes smelly armpits...well...I'm sure there are a FEW people, but they have their OWN forum. In the skin..in sweat...in your natural bodily funk, there are things called pheromones. These handy dandy little things attract us to one another and make us want to do our odd little mating dance..as it were. Now, of course, we do everything in our power to mask our natural scents and rely on things such as jewlery and cars to attract a potential mate, but back in the olden days, they had stinky armpits. Not as flashy as a Viper, but got the job done.

Until next time, control the pet population. Remember to always spay and neuter your animals....and politicians.

 

[Babbles]

Hey, thanks! You were right, the [Mickey Mouse] watch made all the difference!!

Hey Smart-Alechemy,

(Thought I may as well post a Thank You for the carefully enlightening answers... Literally, as I'm now listed among the Blonde )

But since that was such a thoroughly helpful/insightful reply, I thought I'd ask a MUCH more serious question....

...what do I do if my brother continues to play Frank Sinatra for my baby nephew? He owns several CDs, and doesn't hesitate to use them...

And my sister-in-law actually allows this! (They *are a democracy, but she somehow doesn't see the need to veto this particularly frightening tendency...) I'm worried the little guy will be permanently acoustically scarred....

Is there any hope? Short of kidnapping my nephew, what might you recommend?

 

[Avenger314]

Dear Alchemy,

What is under Pyramid Head's Helmet?

 

[alchemy]

The Hills are alive...with the sound of questions...

Dear Alchemy,

What is under Pyramid Head's Helmet?

A Silent Hill fan eh Avenger? Yeah...I've never played any of them. I saw the movie though, and let me tell you, that guy had one big-ass sword. In fact, he was the most frightening thing in the entire movie. As for what's under his helmet...you know, I don't think that anyone will ever get close enough to him to take it off. In fact, I don't think that anyone would want to get close to him much less peek under his helmet. Yeah, you don't wanna mess with this guy. I mean, a lot of guys you can mess with...especially guys in helmets. You know, with the sneeking up behind them and shoving them to the pavement because they're walking around wearing a stupid helmet. I mean, even Darth Vader got the occasional "kick me" sign on his back, but Pyramid Head is a person that you just wanna leave alone. However, I am hear to provide substandard and highly questionable answers so I'll give it my best guess.

His car keys....just his car keys.

So there you go Avenger. Thanks for the question!

 

[alchemy]

MORE highly questionable, subpar answers await!

Ok...so, I've decided to start this thread up again.

Ask....if you dare.

 

[Capnmad]

Ok...so, I've decided to start this thread up again.

Ask....if you dare.

Yay! I missed this thread...

I got a question for ya, Alchemy!

We've seen 6 foot+ tall anthropomorphic rabbits giving advice to Jimmy Stewart in "Harvey" and prophesying the end of the world in "Donnie Darko", a toy rabbit travels through time and talks to children, giving them incredible powers in "The Last Mimzy", a White Rabbit leading both Alice and Neo to unknown worlds of paradox and peculiarity in "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "The Matrix", and even here, Kurchatovium's Vorpal Bunnies regularly answer any question offered them... ...not unlike you, sir...

...so when the Hell did we lose a wrung, evolutionarily speaking, to these talking, question-answering, prophesying, time-warping rabbits? Why is it so often only rabbits who seem to have access to wormholes, arcane knowledge and hidden worlds?


(pauses for suspense before his "A-ha! moment"...)


...and since you're so given to offering answers to every available question, are you secretly a rabbit?! You'd best answer that straightaway, sir!!! Readers demand to know the truth!!! And I'll have no rabbit-dictators be my Vice-President, be they metal-loving or not!!!

 

[Wildtime]

A guitar question for you...

If given the choice between a Les Paul, a Gibson Flying V, or a Stratocaster; which one of these classic guitars would make the best impromptu paddle for canoeing? Or does this all depend on one's style?

 

[alchemy]

Yay! I missed this thread...

I got a question for ya, Alchemy!

We've seen 6 foot+ tall anthropomorphic rabbits giving advice to Jimmy Stewart in "Harvey" and prophesying the end of the world in "Donnie Darko", a toy rabbit travels through time and talks to children, giving them incredible powers in "The Last Mimzy", a White Rabbit leading both Alice and Neo to unknown worlds of paradox and peculiarity in "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "The Matrix", and even here, Kurchatovium's Vorpal Bunnies regularly answer any question offered them... ...not unlike you, sir...

...so when the Hell did we lose a wrung, evolutionarily speaking, to these talking, question-answering, prophesying, time-warping rabbits? Why is it so often only rabbits who seem to have access to wormholes, arcane knowledge and hidden worlds?


(pauses for suspense before his "A-ha! moment"...)


...and since you're so given to offering answers to every available question, are you secretly a rabbit?! You'd best answer that straightaway, sir!!! Readers demand to know the truth!!! And I'll have no rabbit-dictators be my Vice-President, be they metal-loving or not!!!

Hey there Cap'n Crunch. TWO questions huh? Well...I don't know about that. Sounds pretty fishy to me...aaaa, what the hell.

No, despite rumors to the contrary, I am not a rabbit. I DID have a lucky rabbit's foot once (more on that later), but how much actual luck it brought me, I don't know.
You've managed to pick up on something there that most people seem to glaze over...rabbits. To add to your list of examples, how about the playboy BUNNIES? Man has always seemed to have a relationship with rabbits in one from or another. For example, in the pagan belief, the rabbit is symbol of fertility. I mean, what do rabbits do...what are rabbits REALLY good at? Fucking. That's right. Making lots and lots of little rabbits. That would explain the sexual connection to them, but there are many other connections that you've picked up on as well...the telepathy, rabbit lore, etc.
None of these are coincidences. The rabbit, though seemingly completely benign, are actually not of this earth. They exist as multidimensional beings and are capable of many things on several plains of existence. Nearly a million years ago, the first group of rabbits (then called rabbit386's...the 386 was dropped as being superfluous) came to earth on an enormously vast space elevator from their own system. They found earth to be interesting and decided to colonize/coexist on our planet. Over the ages, the subtle influence of rabbits began to morph the planet into a place more to their liking. Many scientific discoveries did not originate entirely from man, but from the ongoing subtle influence of rabbits. People naturally began to gravitate towards rabbits as being something special...worshiping them, naming holidays after them, and even keeping pieces of their bodies for "luck". Rabbits are now in direct control over the worlds oil and diamond supply, however, rabbits are still baffled by mirrors and don't believe what they see in them to be true.

Hope that helps Crunchy!