Ask Alchemy (you know you want to)

[alchemy]

Up a creek without a guitar

If given the choice between a Les Paul, a Gibson Flying V, or a Stratocaster; which one of these classic guitars would make the best impromptu paddle for canoeing? Or does this all depend on one's style?

A strat definately. Les Pauls are smaller, thicker and heavier. A Flying V would make and interesting paddle, but an inefficient one. A strat is relatively light, has a wide body, and has easily replaceable parts should the water damage it in any way.

 

[Capnmad]

Hey there Cap'n Crunch. TWO questions huh? Well...I don't know about that. Sounds pretty fishy to me...aaaa, what the hell.

I suspected a rabbit would say that...

No, despite rumors to the contrary, I am not a rabbit.

Thou doth protest too much, methinks... ...rabbit!!!

...but very well... I've tangled with transdimensional rabbits before. Your answer has proven satisfactory, and I consider you worthy of my next question...

Matt Damon and Keanu Reeves have each had their own success in Hollywood, but a brief look at their filmographies reveals more than success...

Matt Damon, as I've said before, is disproportionately cast as a genius. Consider:

1997 -- Good Will Hunting: Academic Genius
1998 -- Rounders: Poker Genius
1999 -- The Talented Mr. Ripley: Sociopathic Genius
2002, 2004, 2007 -- The Bourne Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum: Secret Agent/Strategic/Hand-to-Hand Combat Genius
2006 -- The Good Shepherd: Counter-Intelligence Genius


Similarly, Keanu Reeves has been cast disproportionately as someone with first-person experience with/knowledge of the arcane:

1989 -- Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure: Experience with Time-Travel
1991 -- Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey: Experience with Death & Afterlife
1992 -- Bram Stoker's Dracula: Experience with a Vampire
1993 -- Little Buddha: Knowledge of the (spiritual) reality behind our perceptions
1997 -- The Devil's Advocate: Knowledge of Satan's manipulations of mankind (Knowledge of the spiritual reality behind our perceptions)
1999, 2003, 2003 -- The Matrix, Reloaded, Revolutions: Knowledge of the functional reality behind our perceptions
2005 -- Constantine: Knowledge of the (spiritual) reality behind our perceptions
2006 -- The Lake House: Experience with time-travelling letters
2006 -- A Scanner Darkly: Even with his brain burnt out, poised to expose "New Path" to the world (the reality behind our perceptions)


So here's the question:

If these two stars were to be cast in the same new movie, each in their own specialty (Matt Damon as a genius, Keanu Reeves as knowledgeable of the world behind our perceptions), and they were pitted against each other in a battle of wits, who would win, and how?

Good luck with this one, rabbit!

 

[DimpleToes]

ok I will bite.. when will I stop beeing so nice to everyone, it's a curse of mine

 

[TKpervert]

Almost nothing is what's left as a result of removing almost everything.
How is this related to almost forgetting to put the toilet seat down ?

 

[alchemy]

Aflack!

I suspected a rabbit would say that...




Thou doth protest too much, methinks... ...rabbit!!!

...but very well... I've tangled with transdimensional rabbits before. Your answer has proven satisfactory, and I consider you worthy of my next question...

Matt Damon and Keanu Reeves have each had their own success in Hollywood, but a brief look at their filmographies reveals more than success...

Matt Damon, as I've said before, is disproportionately cast as a genius. Consider:

1997 -- Good Will Hunting: Academic Genius
1998 -- Rounders: Poker Genius
1999 -- The Talented Mr. Ripley: Sociopathic Genius
2002, 2004, 2007 -- The Bourne Identity, Supremacy, Ultimatum: Secret Agent/Strategic/Hand-to-Hand Combat Genius
2006 -- The Good Shepherd: Counter-Intelligence Genius


Similarly, Keanu Reeves has been cast disproportionately as someone with first-person experience with/knowledge of the arcane:

1989 -- Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure: Experience with Time-Travel
1991 -- Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey: Experience with Death & Afterlife
1992 -- Bram Stoker's Dracula: Experience with a Vampire
1993 -- Little Buddha: Knowledge of the (spiritual) reality behind our perceptions
1997 -- The Devil's Advocate: Knowledge of Satan's manipulations of mankind (Knowledge of the spiritual reality behind our perceptions)
1999, 2003, 2003 -- The Matrix, Reloaded, Revolutions: Knowledge of the functional reality behind our perceptions
2005 -- Constantine: Knowledge of the (spiritual) reality behind our perceptions
2006 -- The Lake House: Experience with time-travelling letters
2006 -- A Scanner Darkly: Even with his brain burnt out, poised to expose "New Path" to the world (the reality behind our perceptions)


So here's the question:

If these two stars were to be cast in the same new movie, each in their own specialty (Matt Damon as a genius, Keanu Reeves as knowledgeable of the world behind our perceptions), and they were pitted against each other in a battle of wits, who would win, and how?

Good luck with this one, rabbit!

Hmmm, a better question would be, Why would this movie be made and what steps could the public take to stop it? I just don't think the world is ready for a Keanu/Damon picture. However, since we are talking hypothetical here, we'll analyze this furthur.
Let's first start with Mattdamon...an actor who plays a genius who, in real life, is dumber than a bag of doorknobs.
Next is Canoe...an actor who plays a talented, yet dumb hero who, in real life is even dumber than Mattdamon.
So it's really a battle of dumb and dumber.
Mattdamon: intelligence, hangs out/smokes pot with Aflack
Canoe: time-traveling phone booth, grim reaper friend, kills vampires, knows kung fu, has the whole cyber-punk thing going, and fights demons.
I'd say that Mattdamon is pretty outmatched here, even if he calls in Aflack to back him up.

Winner: Canoe by KO

Who you calling a rabbit, Doc?

 

[alchemy]

Bzzzzz

ok I will bite.. when will I stop beeing so nice to everyone, it's a curse of mine

When will you stop "beeing so nice?" I think what you meant to say was "when will I stop beeing so nicely" (beeing isn't a word by the way). I don't know, if the whole bee thing is working for ya, I'd say continue. I mean, you are not only a bee, but apparently a pretty good one. Why would you want to bee worse? Is it because the other bees are getting jealous of your beeing ability? Does your queen feel threatened by your beeing? I'm sure you have your reasons, but being a good bee doesn't really sound so bad. At least you don't have to fly around and promote crappy tasting cereal.

Now, in case that was just a misspelling....

Well Toesy Woesy, let's look into my little crystal ball thingy here...somewhere...
...um....where the hell did that damn thing go?
Ok...can't find the crystal ball at the moment...so...
...ok...so, lets look into this thing....this thing right here....
Yeah, this thing right here...whatever it is...
To tell the truth, I've never seen this thing before. I mean, I don't even know how it got into my house! ...it's got kind of a stapler looking thingy right here...kinda cool...and this thing over here..moves a little bit...that's kinda cool too.
Yeah, this'll do. Ok, T.W., let's see what this thing tells me.

Hmmm...

In exactly 3 months and 14 days, you will contract a mild stomach virus...it will cause you to not feel well and make you grumpy. Granted, grumpy for you is like normal for everyone else, but for a little while, you won't be as nice as usual.

So...there you go...the stapler thingy hath spoken

 

[alchemy]

Almost nearly but not quite hardly

Almost nothing is what's left as a result of removing almost everything.
How is this related to almost forgetting to put the toilet seat down ?

Almost forgetting to put the toilet seat down is like almost not remembering to do so.

...unless you are in some parts of the world where they don't have toilet seats...

 

[vrytcklsh]

I have a question

Did you always want to be a guitar god rock star, or did little alchemy have other dreams in mind for his future way back when?

 

[Capnmad]

Very well, Rabbit... Answer me this third question and I'll consider lifting my ban on having a Metal-Loving, Leporid-Dictator-Vice-President...


Christ as seen in a sour cream and onion potato chip:

The sign of the cross in a potato:

The Holy Grail in another potato:

Two haloed figures in a pancake:

Jesus Christ in a tortilla:

An earlier Jesus tortilla:

Christ-toast:

The Toast of Christ and the Grilled-Cheese Sandwich of Mary:

...or the Grilled-Cheese Sandwich of Hedy Lamarr?:

So, the question:

Why does God love starch? ...and Hedy Lamarr?

 

[TonyInMyThroat]

Should I take the Red Pill or the Blue Pill? Please be specific.

 

[Strider]

When is Cthulhu expected to arise and devour all that lives? I'm getting impatient here...

 

[alchemy]

A & E Biography presents: Alchemy

Did you always want to be a guitar god rock star, or did little alchemy have other dreams in mind for his future way back when?

Hey there vrytcklsh....um...I think you missed a few vowels there...

Anywho...

Did I always want to be a guitar god rock star (awww, that's sweet...I don't know, I'm just a musician)? Well, not in the womb, but some time after that...yeah. Actually, I didn't decide upon being a musician until high school. Until then guitar was just a hobby. When I was a little kid, I wanted to be an engineer. No, not the "let's design a building" type, but the train driving type. I can remember loving trains for years. Then I discovered dinosaurs a wanted to be a paleontologist. Then I went through a few years where I didn't know WHAT the hell I wanted to do with myself...the middle school years were awkward for me. Then high school hit and took an interest in football. For a year or so, I was convinced that I wanted to be the next Joe Montana. I bought books on quarterbacking and practiced my passing. This was a short lived dream in that not only was I a bit too short to see over the offensive line, but decided that I didn't want to be one of those guys who need to walk with a cane when I'm 40. I then got serious about my guitar playing...and here I am.

Thanks for the question! Take care now

 

[alchemy]

...now I'm all hungry..

Very well, Rabbit... Answer me this third question and I'll consider lifting my ban on having a Metal-Loving, Leporid-Dictator-Vice-President...


Christ as seen in a sour cream and onion potato chip:

The sign of the cross in a potato:

The Holy Grail in another potato:

Two haloed figures in a pancake:

Jesus Christ in a tortilla:

An earlier Jesus tortilla:

Christ-toast:

The Toast of Christ and the Grilled-Cheese Sandwich of Mary:

...or the Grilled-Cheese Sandwich of Hedy Lamarr?:

So, the question:

Why does God love starch? ...and Hedy Lamarr?

Oh, that's easy! Starch is good...really good. I mean, have you ever made a pancake with a face on it? You know...some bacon for a mouth, a few berries for the eyes and nose...a little Mr.T cereal to top it all off. It's fun, right? It's something parents do for their kids and a "special treat" (or it's something that you do for yourself...because you're a bachelor...and you're a bit loney...and you know your cat wont eat pancakes). Same with God. He doesn't have time to come down here and draw faces on starchy things with fruit and syrup, so he puts the face of Jesus and mary on them...as an extra special treat. That's his way of saying "Here ya go bud...just thinkin' bout cha!" That's all. What's REALLY odd is that we never eat them. If your mom or dad made a special pancake face breakfast for you, would you eat it, or freak out, call the local news and seal it in a locked case? Also, the Hedy Lamarr thing doesn't surprise me in the least. Come on, duder, this is GOD we're talking about here. He practically invented the curve ball. It's like Jesus, Jesus, Mary, Jesus, Mary, Mary, Hedy Lamarr (that'll throw em), Jesus, Mary... He has a bit of an odd sense of humor, but a sense of humor none the less.

So, there ya go Doc!

 

[alchemy]

pill bug

Should I take the Red Pill or the Blue Pill? Please be specific.

Neither, you should take the funny looking little yellow pills in your bathroom cabinet. Forget what the label says, they're REALLY super happy fun pills. The more you take at once, the more super happy fun you'll have! Don't wait, do it now! Now, damn it!

 

[alchemy]

That is not dead which can eternal lie.

When is Cthulhu expected to arise and devour all that lives? I'm getting impatient here...

Great Cthulhu, the Old Ones, and his star children will only live again when the stars are right. This probably wont happen in our lifetime, but one day, all will be as once was. Mighty Cthulhu shall rise again and mankind will become as the Great Old ones were...evolved beyond morality and reveling in killing and joy...and his kingdoms shall cover the earth. So...probably a while to go yet.

Thanks for the question

Hail Cthulhu!

 

[slacker2114]

What is that red stuff I keep finding on my pillow every morning?

Also, why did it take you so damn long to revive this thread?

 

[alchemy]

yuck

What is that red stuff I keep finding on my pillow every morning?

Also, why did it take you so damn long to revive this thread?

Two questions huh Geddy? Ok, let's see here...

Question 1: Lice. You have lice. Big nasty ones too. The blood is your own that they are sucking out of your head. Or...it could be that you have that blood tear thing like that guy had in the new James Bond movie. Believe me, that would be a lot cooler than anything else...but you probably would know about it by now.
So yeah...lice.*

*disclaimer: you may or may not have lice*

2. That's easy...tendinitis. It's been about a year now that I've dealt with it and I've missed doing this thread. Also, I had requests to bring it back.

So there you go, Geddy.
...and don't wear other peoples hats next time.

 

[drew70]

Jeff Beck

Alchemy, what's your opinion on Jeff Beck's career as a guitarist? Do you feel that he was somehow missed as one of the 60s-70s great guitarists, with everybody seemingly focused on Hendrix, Clapton, and Page? Do you have a favorite Jeff Beck album or song?

 

[alchemy]

Beck, Beck, Beck of the jungle, strong as he can be!

Alchemy, what's your opinion on Jeff Beck's career as a guitarist? Do you feel that he was somehow missed as one of the 60s-70s great guitarists, with everybody seemingly focused on Hendrix, Clapton, and Page? Do you have a favorite Jeff Beck album or song?

Hey there Drewonenumberabove69! I think that ol' Jeff has had a pretty solid career. Granted, Hendrix, Clapton, and Page get most of the praise, but they were also in the limelight more...or died young...whichever. Also, those big three seem to overshadow LOTS of guys. Richie Blackmore and Tony Iommi for instance. How about Angus Young? There's tons of musicians that probably don't get the credit that they deserve. That's simply the nature of the music business. Unless you are willing to plaster your face everywhere or try and to keep up with the latest thing, common people (let's call them...morons) will simply forget about you.
Truthfully, I've never been a very big Jeff Beck fan so I really don't have a favorite album or song, but I have infinite respect for the man. Actually, I was always a bigger Blackmore, Iommi, and Young fan than a Hendrix, Clapton, and Page...or Beck fan.

 

[tickle_feety]

Alchemy, why arent Metallica playing Download festival this year? The bastards

 

[alchemy]

Careful, they're still a bit hot yet

Alchemy, why arent Metallica playing Download festival this year? The bastards

....that's really a bunch of numbers you have after your name there feety. I bet it's some kind of code or something...secret code...for baking prehaps. Yes, that's it, it's a secret baking code that only bakers know and if used properly it'll make the best cookies that have ever been made and the baker's union will take over the world whilst everyone else is still going on about the cookies! It'll never work without milk to dunk them in, though.

Your question is easy to answer:

Lars...play a Download festival?! That'll be the day! Remember, by downloading Metallica's music, you're taking away his gold-plated swimming pool.

 

[slacker2114]

Would it be prudent to dig up Frank Zappa and use his DNA to clone him so we actually HAVE a man like Frank Zappa living in this day and age? If so, what would he do? And if not, then why the hell not??

 

[alchemy]

Would it be prudent to dig up Frank Zappa and use his DNA to clone him so we actually HAVE a man like Frank Zappa living in this day and age? If so, what would he do? And if not, then why the hell not??

Well Geddy, unfortunately, just cloning Franky wouldn't be enough. Frank was as much a product of his time period and environment as he was his genes. I mean, sure, you could clone him, but who's to say that you would have another Zappa? It takes more than genes to recreate a person. Or, to put it another way, we are all more than the sum of our parts.

So, interesting idea, but probably a futile one.

Now personally, if you are going to mess around with cloning, I'm all for a bunch of Marilyn Monroe clones. Now THERE'S a good idea!😀

 

[Deleted member 66627]

Alchemy.. You do know that Lars admitted what a retarded move that was to act like an ass about Napster, Right? 😉

 

[alchemy]

Alchemy.. You do know that Lars admitted what a retarded move that was to act like an ass about Napster, Right? 😉

I'm sure he did. He DID catch quite a lot of flack from that. Even the guys at South Park made fun of him.