"Ask Amy"

[lovedemfeet]

Well, looks like it happened again...for those who read my previous thread, I posted a letter from Dear Abby written about 15 years ago concerning tickling someone against their will. In today's Amy Dickinson column in the Chicago Trib was the following:
Relationship hits really ticklish trouble spot with 'good catch'

Dear Amy: My boyfriend is kind and funny and well-spoken--he's what my mother would call a good catch. But we have a problem between us that I don't know how to handle. He tickles me.
It seems silly, but I'm very ticklish, and whenever he thinks I'm "taking myself too seriously" he starts to tickle me. I laugh and I can't stop until he stops touching me.
He thinks it's fun, but I don't like it. I've said so, but he says I'm ridiculous.
People who aren't ticklish may not understand, but when I'm laughing like that, my heart races and I can't breathe. I feel like I'm out of control.
He's tickled me until I wet myself before. I was mortified, but he thought it was hilarious.
How do I get through to him that I don't want him to do this anymore?
---Tickled Out

Dear Tickled: I don't want to burst your whole "he's a good catch" bubble, but tickling is what schoolyard bullies do when they want to physically and mentally dominate someone.
When you're being tickled, you're disabled to the point where you can't protest. This sort of aggressive tickling is abusive. You say your boyfriend strikes when he thinks you're "taking yourself too seriously," but he shouldn't get to decide how seriously you take yourself.
Even if tickling didn't reduce you to a mass of quivering flesh, the simple fact is that you have asked your guy not to touch you in a specific way.
He has not only ignored this but has basically denied your right to make it by calling you ridiculous.
If your boyfriend can't figure out how to respect you enough to stop tickling you, I'd suggest that you need to throw your "catch" back in the pond.
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First of all---we don't have any members here who would do such a thing...do we? (You longtime female posters might suggest someone as a joke.)
Secondly--IF this guy were as ticklish as his girlfriend, then let's recruit some of our stronger guys here to kidnap him, take him to a deserted factory somewhere, and tie and tickle him until HE wets HIS pants! Meanwhile, film it and send a copy to his girlfriend and tell her to tell him that if he doesn't stop, she'll show the tape to his buddies.
Hey, he's already committing a form of assault and battery by tickling her against her will, so turnabout's fair play.
I know, I know...it's totally against the law----but fun to imagine!

 

[cloudgazer2k]

i can understand some of the points "Amy" was making, but her general assumption that tickling is only bullying is crap. Amy ought to do her research instead of quoting her psych 101 textbook.

 

[Luv2Tickle69]

Well...the tickling he's exacting could certainly BE bullying if he's not:
1) respecting her limitations (which she clearly has)
2) does it to a point that she's losing physiological control in other venues
3) acknowledging the fact that she's not appreciative of what he's doing!

Let's not forget something people....not EVERYONE on this planet likes to be tickled...there are even some people here who are strictly 'lers for that reason....they feel they have better control and could exact better control based on their 'lees limitations than anyone would give in return.

 

[WheresThe Clip?]

i can understand some of the points "Amy" was making, but her general assumption that tickling is only bullying is crap. Amy ought to do her research instead of quoting her psych 101 textbook.

Her actual words are 'this sort of aggressive tickling is abusive'.

For my part I 100% agree with her. The girl in question has made it clear she doesn't like it, but this guy decides he will do it anyway. Sounds abusive to me.

 

[Goatboy]

If she doesn't want to be tickled, she shouldn't have to be. If it brings her discomfort and she dislikes it, he shouldn't do it to her. If he cares more about his fetish than her well being, she shouldn't be with him.

 

[KoocheeKoo]

The keyword is respect....or in this case, lack of respect. A guy who truly loves his girlfriend, wife, etc will NEVER do anything against her wishes which is upsetting or causes her anguish, pain, fright, etc.

I hope this girl and her b/f are very young; admit to sometimes letting my tickling "zeal" go too far as a teenager, but grew up before reaching my 20th birthday. Sounds like the guy in this "Dear Amy" article either is too young to have reached that maturity stage yet.....or unfortunately is one of those guys/ jerks who never grew up (to respect the feelings of his special lady).

The first thing I advised my baby sister when she told me her new boyfriend was "into tickling" and it turned him on (tickling girls)......make sure he has respect for you and your feelings. If you ask him to stop tickling you and he doesn't (or does anything else against your wishes).....find another boyfriend.

 

[cloudgazer2k]

Her actual words are 'this sort of aggressive tickling is abusive'.

For my part I 100% agree with her. The girl in question has made it clear she doesn't like it, but this guy decides he will do it anyway. Sounds abusive to me.

indeed, she does say that. however:

but tickling is what schoolyard bullies do when they want to physically and mentally dominate someone.

she's basically saying here that ANY tickling is for that reason. sure, the guy needs to lay off and stop tickling his girl when she asks not to, but it's this kind of assumption that puts tickling in a bad light.

 

[WheresThe Clip?]

sure, the guy needs to lay off and stop tickling his girl when she asks not to, but it's this kind of assumption that puts tickling in a bad light.

Agreed

However it is this type of behaviour that leads to such assumptions, that ultimately puts tickling in a bad light.

 

[Eternal Tomboy]

For me, one of the KEY ingredients to enjoy any tickling experience is to have trust in the 'ler. And trust pretty much goes flying out the window the second the 'ler tickles me to the point that I wet my pants. Because PRIOR to wetting my pants, there would more than likely be a HELL of a lot of screaming and pleading (that could never be mistaken for the I'm-really-enjoying-myself variety of screaming and pleading) that he obviously decided to ignore. And once the trust is gone, so are all your chances of EVER getting the opportunity to tickle me again. Game over, thanks for playing. Collect your parting gift (of a swift kick to the nuts) and GET OUT.

 

[StuGatz9]

She's dating a tickle sadist.

The whole "You're taking yourself too seriously today" is just his way of coming up with an excuse to tickle her so that she won't realize that he gets off on tickling.

He'll never stop so she can either decide to deal with it for the rest of her life if she decides to marry him or she can dump him.

 

[huskys]

The keyword is respect....or in this case, lack of respect. A guy who truly loves his girlfriend, wife, etc will NEVER do anything against her wishes which is upsetting or causes her anguish, pain, fright, etc.

I agree.
Not EVERYONE is into tickling. And even those who are, have widely varying ways in which they like to experience it.
Respecting peoples limits is the key to a successful "tickle relationship".
Lers that fail to do this give themselves (and tickling unfortunately), a bad name in the general community.

 

[Mitchell]

It sounds to me as if this guy is either a tickle fetishist, or has a strong interest in tickling, and enjoys tickling his girlfriend, for whatever reason.

It also seems that communication is needed here. If the guy cant, or doesnt want to, stop tickling his girlfriend completely, the two of them probably should sit down, in a time and place with no sexual activity involved, and air their feelings. The bf needs to express why he feels he needs to tickle her, or enjoys tickling her, and the gf needs to express her feelings, and what it feels like to be tickled.. Maybe a compromise can be reached, such as the gf saying "You can tickle me once a week, or whatever, but not every day, and only do it for, however long, and not until I wet myself". How the bf is tickling her, is clearly not respecting her feelings or her limits.

Mitch

 

[lovedemfeet]

Follow-up in the column

Amy is a good one for posting letters weeks later concerning a previous discussion...so I just read...and waited...and read...and waited......bingo:

June 27, 2008
Dear Amy: "Tickled Out" asked you for advice on how to get her boyfriend to stop tickling her.

Instead of telling her how to accomplish this task, you psychoanalyzed the boyfriend.

At the end of your response, the woman will still be left wondering how to get her boyfriend to stop. You implied that if he continues, then she should break up with him.

But you did not offer suggestions on how to stop it or prevent it.

She should make an ultimatum: "George, if you tickle me one more time, it's over," followed by a hard stare. Or she could say, "If you tickle me one more time, I'm going to pour a bucket of cold water on you next time you're asleep. And I ain't kidding."

—R

Dear R: "Tickled Out" had repeatedly explained to her boyfriend how his aggressive tickling affected her. She had asked him to stop.

I would never suggest that someone pour a bucket of cold water over another person's head, though I like your suggestion of an ultimatum.

As I said in my answer to "Tickled Out," tickling, which can render some people defenseless, is what bullies do. Aggressive tickling against someone's will is abusive, and as you imply, that ain't no laughing matter.
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OR.......Amy could have given them the link to TMF---so we can show them how much FUN tickling can be!!! (Wrong answer, but still fun to imagine)

 

[alchemy]

I'm with cloudgazer on this one guys. Yes, continuing to tickle her against her will is disrespectful, but (as usual...damn normies) making the assertion that tickling is simply a mean, if not hostile and abusive act, is psychobabble bullshit. Sounds like Amy needs to be tickled against her will.

 

[brianspencer66]

Im not one for all the "This gives tickling a bad name stuff'. The truth is that in this case it does. This guy seems to enjoy torturing his girlfriend to the point of wetting herself, she clearly hates it for obvious reasons and she indeed needs to dump this guy.

Someone pointed out that this bozo may very well be a member here or at the very least owns a computer and at least is aware of a TMF. If he is I hope he reads this and some sort of common sense prevails in the future.