TklDuo-Ann
2nd Level Black Feather
- Joined
- May 21, 2003
- Messages
- 8,389
- Points
- 0
This has come up in the past. But, recent events have brought it to mind yet again. So, I thought I'd post something. I've posted it here in TD rather than in general because it's something I think everyone could give some thought to and benefit from taking into consideration.
Each of us who comes here knows how diffuclt it can be to share something as personal as a fetish. Even here within a community where we know that others share this fetish, we often feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, even afraid of being judged harshly. It can be very intimidating...even for those of us who've been around a while.
Add to this, the fact that it's often difficult to know the feelings or intent behind online communications. Something said in jest may be taken as offensive. Something shared with the feeling that a relationship is solid enough in which to do so may go beyond what is really there. Someone goofing around and having a good time may be fetl to be a threat. There are so many ways we can misunderstand anothers intentions.
In normal everyday life, most people know when they need to ask for clarification on an issue that is unclear to them. We know when to tell someone to back off if they seem a bit too pushy. We know when to say we aren't into something that they bring up.
Why is it so difficult to do the same in our online dealings with people? I can't answer that. But, I can offer a few suggestions for ways to effectively deal with things as they arise.
1. If you're chatting with someone and want them to back off for whatever reason, ask them to do so. When someone is staring you in the face, it's generally pretty obvious that the equivelant of an LOL is really the person being too uncomfortable to respond further. Online, that simply isn't the case. The other person can't know what you're feeling unless you communicate that. Even a simple, "I'm not into that." or "I'm not comfortable with the direction this is going in." can save both parties a lot of greif.
2. If you feel like sharing something with someone, it's always a good idea to ask them first. While we all share tickling as an interest, the degree and focus of that interest varies greatly from one person to another. Just because we both like tickling does not mean that I want to see pics from videos, etc. with nudity or other sexual content. If it's not something you've already discussed and shared in the past, it's always best to ask before sharing things of that nature.
3. Remember that we're all human. We all come from different backgrounds and may define boundaries differently. People make mistakes. We slip up and say things that perhaps we shouldn't. We push boundaries to the breaking point. We take offense at things when no offense was ever intended. The way to respond to this is to discuss it...with the person it involves, not everyone but that person. We have no right to complain to others about something a person has done until we've made every effort to discuss it appropriately with that person.
4. If someone comes to us with a complaint about another, the first question we ask should be "Have you discussed it with that person?" If the ansewer is no, then there's a problem. They should be sent to that person first. We shouldn't take it as gospel and tell the world about it. That's true in every level of life. It's even more true here online where things can be spread so quickly and easily.
5. One benefit the internet does have over real life is the fact that we can save pretty much anything and everything. If someone does or says something that you find offensive, save it and address it with that person. If it's something that might effect others and satisfaction isn't found, then (and ideally only then) it can be taken to a mod or some other person with the authority to do something about it. In doing so, an original copy of the offensive material can be passed along so that they may see what you are refering to. Without this, it is unreasonable to expect that action be taken. After all, if you don't take it seriously enough to save it, there could be some question as to both the seriousness or even the reality of the offense.
I'm sure there are other ways to deal with others in difficult situations. I would invite others to post methods they've found helpful as well. And, I'll even follow my own rule here and state up front that I'm not trying to be bitchy or preachy with this thread. I'm simply suggesting some helpful ways to keep the peace and avoid conflict...or if conflict exists, to resolve it more effectively. None of us is going to be perfect in doing these things. Heaven knows I'm certainly not. But, if we decide to make an effort, much heartache can be avoided.
Your thoughts are welcome. But, let's please keep it civil and refrain from getting into any specifics or finger pointing.
Each of us who comes here knows how diffuclt it can be to share something as personal as a fetish. Even here within a community where we know that others share this fetish, we often feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, even afraid of being judged harshly. It can be very intimidating...even for those of us who've been around a while.
Add to this, the fact that it's often difficult to know the feelings or intent behind online communications. Something said in jest may be taken as offensive. Something shared with the feeling that a relationship is solid enough in which to do so may go beyond what is really there. Someone goofing around and having a good time may be fetl to be a threat. There are so many ways we can misunderstand anothers intentions.
In normal everyday life, most people know when they need to ask for clarification on an issue that is unclear to them. We know when to tell someone to back off if they seem a bit too pushy. We know when to say we aren't into something that they bring up.
Why is it so difficult to do the same in our online dealings with people? I can't answer that. But, I can offer a few suggestions for ways to effectively deal with things as they arise.
1. If you're chatting with someone and want them to back off for whatever reason, ask them to do so. When someone is staring you in the face, it's generally pretty obvious that the equivelant of an LOL is really the person being too uncomfortable to respond further. Online, that simply isn't the case. The other person can't know what you're feeling unless you communicate that. Even a simple, "I'm not into that." or "I'm not comfortable with the direction this is going in." can save both parties a lot of greif.
2. If you feel like sharing something with someone, it's always a good idea to ask them first. While we all share tickling as an interest, the degree and focus of that interest varies greatly from one person to another. Just because we both like tickling does not mean that I want to see pics from videos, etc. with nudity or other sexual content. If it's not something you've already discussed and shared in the past, it's always best to ask before sharing things of that nature.
3. Remember that we're all human. We all come from different backgrounds and may define boundaries differently. People make mistakes. We slip up and say things that perhaps we shouldn't. We push boundaries to the breaking point. We take offense at things when no offense was ever intended. The way to respond to this is to discuss it...with the person it involves, not everyone but that person. We have no right to complain to others about something a person has done until we've made every effort to discuss it appropriately with that person.
4. If someone comes to us with a complaint about another, the first question we ask should be "Have you discussed it with that person?" If the ansewer is no, then there's a problem. They should be sent to that person first. We shouldn't take it as gospel and tell the world about it. That's true in every level of life. It's even more true here online where things can be spread so quickly and easily.
5. One benefit the internet does have over real life is the fact that we can save pretty much anything and everything. If someone does or says something that you find offensive, save it and address it with that person. If it's something that might effect others and satisfaction isn't found, then (and ideally only then) it can be taken to a mod or some other person with the authority to do something about it. In doing so, an original copy of the offensive material can be passed along so that they may see what you are refering to. Without this, it is unreasonable to expect that action be taken. After all, if you don't take it seriously enough to save it, there could be some question as to both the seriousness or even the reality of the offense.
I'm sure there are other ways to deal with others in difficult situations. I would invite others to post methods they've found helpful as well. And, I'll even follow my own rule here and state up front that I'm not trying to be bitchy or preachy with this thread. I'm simply suggesting some helpful ways to keep the peace and avoid conflict...or if conflict exists, to resolve it more effectively. None of us is going to be perfect in doing these things. Heaven knows I'm certainly not. But, if we decide to make an effort, much heartache can be avoided.
Your thoughts are welcome. But, let's please keep it civil and refrain from getting into any specifics or finger pointing.
