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Constructive Advice Sought Please

M

Mitchell

Level of Coral Feather
Joined
Sep 9, 2002
Messages
33,565
Points
63
I want to make 100% clear before I post this thread, that I am not doing so to "whine" about my father, as some of the usual suspects have claimed, on, and on, in threads, for the past couple of months. A situation is going to present itself this weekend, I'm torn about what to do, and would really appreciate some constructive advice.

This Saturday is my father's 70th birthday. Currently, he is not talking to me. We had been talking, up until recently, but, lately, he has been ignoring me. I sent him an e-mail, wishing him a Happy Jewish New Year, a couple of weeks ago, and he ignored it.

For every one of my birthdays, from 1995, to 2010, he has sent me a card, with a rather large check. This was true both when I was talking to him, and when I wasn't. In fact, our communication in 2009 began because I sent him a thank you note for the check saying "Thank you for thinking of me once a year". His reply was "I think of you all the time. I want to meet you in Philadelphia". I didn't at first, but then, as forum members know, gave in.

He stopped communicating with me when my mom has cancer. This, I know. I've asked my family, and real life friends, whether, considering the fact that he acknowledges every birthday of mine, and the fact that it is his 70th, I should acknowledge it. Everyone has told me that the answer is a resounding "No", because of when he dropped out of my life.

I was talking to him on his 60th. I traveled back and forth up to NY in one day, took him to lunch, and bought him a very expensive gift. On his 65th, we were not talking, but, I was not having the issues with my mom's health that I am having now. He has unresolved financial matters with both me and my mom, and I keep wondering to myself, whether an acknowledgement of his 70th, would cause him to finally break his silence with me, and resolve the matters at hand.

Thus, I'm at a loss of what to do. Part of me just wants to send him an e-mail telling him I send him good wishes for his 70th, and trying to open communication with him, to see if that will finally get him to talk to me, and another part of me just wants to ignore it.

Any constructive advice would be appreciated. I'm hopeful that anyone who reads this thread, will post thoughtful replies, and not the usual catcalls, of "whining about your father", from the usual array of trolls. This is NOT a "whine". This is a sincere post seeking advice.

Thanks,
Mitch
 
That is a dilemma

That is tough --- On the one hand it's his 70th, but he stopped communication at the worst possible time for your mother, who for all he knew was dying.

So those who tell you no, don't bother acknowledging it
do have very good reason, but then you're obviously a far better person, so that's a difficult position.

If you do acknowledge it, maybe make it brief, just a card, which reads "Happy 70th" (so you don't need to write it...),
no comments otherwise, just your name.

And/or if you feel awkward about this, as if you're being disloyal to your Mom, but still feel you should acknowledge his 70th,
you could always put a small simple & very brief note in the card, that you're only writing since it's his 70th birthday (?)
unless that just defeats the purpose entirely... :shrug:

I'd probably either go with nothing or just the bare minimum in a simple 70th card... :ermm:
 
Mitchell said:
I want to make 100% clear before I post this thread, that I am not doing so to "whine" about my father, as some of the usual suspects have claimed, on, and on, in threads, for the past couple of months. A situation is going to present itself this weekend, I'm torn about what to do, and would really appreciate some constructive advice.

This Saturday is my father's 70th birthday. Currently, he is not talking to me. We had been talking, up until recently, but, lately, he has been ignoring me. I sent him an e-mail, wishing him a Happy Jewish New Year, a couple of weeks ago, and he ignored it.

For every one of my birthdays, from 1995, to 2010, he has sent me a card, with a rather large check. This was true both when I was talking to him, and when I wasn't. In fact, our communication in 2009 began because I sent him a thank you note for the check saying "Thank you for thinking of me once a year". His reply was "I think of you all the time. I want to meet you in Philadelphia". I didn't at first, but then, as forum members know, gave in.

He stopped communicating with me when my mom has cancer. This, I know. I've asked my family, and real life friends, whether, considering the fact that he acknowledges every birthday of mine, and the fact that it is his 70th, I should acknowledge it. Everyone has told me that the answer is a resounding "No", because of when he dropped out of my life.

I was talking to him on his 60th. I traveled back and forth up to NY in one day, took him to lunch, and bought him a very expensive gift. On his 65th, we were not talking, but, I was not having the issues with my mom's health that I am having now. He has unresolved financial matters with both me and my mom, and I keep wondering to myself, whether an acknowledgement of his 70th, would cause him to finally break his silence with me, and resolve the matters at hand.

Thus, I'm at a loss of what to do. Part of me just wants to send him an e-mail telling him I send him good wishes for his 70th, and trying to open communication with him, to see if that will finally get him to talk to me, and another part of me just wants to ignore it.

Any constructive advice would be appreciated. I'm hopeful that anyone who reads this thread, will post thoughtful replies, and not the usual catcalls, of "whining about your father", from the usual array of trolls. This is NOT a "whine". This is a sincere post seeking advice.

Thanks,
Mitch
Click to expand...


Jeez, Mitch......I wish I had an answer for you. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have such a good relationship with my Dad. As I once told you before, I thought when I was younger, I knew it all. As I passed my 40th a few years ago, I realized that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. I then realized that my Dad is a pretty smart guy, and that when it is all said and done, if people say that Rich was as noble and decent as his old man...well, I think that would be a pretty good way to wrap up my time on earth.
 
Babbles, thanks. I appreciate the insight. I havent gotten him a card yet, so it would have to be an e-mail, because, he lives in NYC, and I live here, so there wouldnt be time for me to mail it, and for him to get it in time.

Rich, thanks for your sincere post. It's good that you had learning experiences, and that your dad is noble and decent. You're lucky. My father is neither noble, or decent. Basically, he's a low down prick, who doesn't deserve my attention. Yet, I'm struggling with this decision.

Thanks to you both. I greatly appreciate the advice and thoughts.

Mitch
 
Why email Mitch? Pick up the phone... at least its a more personal attempt, IMO 🙂
 
Thanks for the advice, leaf. I find that I can express what I want to say more clearly, in an e-mail, when I can think about what I'm going to say, instead of being on the phone, and having to be spontaneous, especially in a situation like this.

I know you are being sincere in your advice, and I appreciate it.,

Mitch
 
Last edited:
Why not? What's the danger? He may be an asshole but he's an old man, just send him a birthday wish. There's no reason not to, except for the sake of spite.

There's even a remote chance that some good will come of it while there's zero chance that any bad will come of it.
 
Thanks, LD.

If I decided not to do it, it wouldnt be for "spite". It would just be because I'm not talking to him.

Thanks for the insight.

Mitch
 
If you're going to break communication with him for his birthday, then you should really stop accepting his money for your birthday.
 
It sounds like you want someone to tell you that it's okay not to wish an old man Happy Birthday, so you don't have to feel guilty about ignoring him as he gets older - which it is. If you don't want to break your silence for the sake of a birthday, then don't. If not wishing him Happy Birthday will only make you feel bad and/or wonder if it would have helped the situation, then there's no wrong in going ahead and sending him a card or an email.

Either way, there's no right or wrong. It's a question of what feels right to you. No one can tell you what to do.

Good luck.
 
Thanks, Skip. Your insight makes sense, and I appreciate it.

No, LD. My estrangement from him isnt me being spiteful. He's the spiteful one. He cuts off from me, for no other reason, than the fact that he cant control me. How I live, who I see, etc.

Mitch
 
Mitchell said:
Thanks, Skip. Your insight makes sense, and I appreciate it.

No, LD. My estrangement from him isnt me being spiteful. He's the spiteful one. He cuts off from me, for no other reason, than the fact that he cant control me. How I live, who I see, etc.

Mitch
Click to expand...

Sure, but you said the reason you'd not wish him happy birthday is because you're "not talking to him."

What that is - and this is universal, not just you - is punishing the other party by ignoring them, by refusing to engage them. One deprives the other of the privilege of communication.

You can't get around it by saying, 'well we're not talking because of him," because all that is is him being spiteful to you by not talking, and you being spiteful right back by not talking. You see what I mean? He hasn't actually prevented you from contacting him, so if you don't contact him, it's because of you. Which, if done for the reasons you've mentioned, is simple spite.
 
Well, how about the fact that I DID contact him to wish him a Happy Jewish New Year, just a few weeks ago, and he ignored me? That isnt spiteful? Let me ask you, LD. If you contacted someone to wish them a happy new year, and they ignored you, and then their bday was three weeks later, would you contact them again to wish them a happy bday, or would you just let it be?

Mitch
 
Mitchell said:
Well, how about the fact that I DID contact him to wish him a Happy Jewish New Year, just a few weeks ago, and he ignored me? That isnt spiteful? Let me ask you, LD. If you contacted someone to wish them a happy new year, and they ignored you, and then their bday was three weeks later, would you contact them again to wish them a happy bday, or would you just let it be?

Mitch
Click to expand...

Please re-read my last message. You'll notice that I did say his behaviour is spiteful. Ignoring you is spiteful. Ignoring him back is also spiteful. That's what it is when people "aren't talking." Mutual spite, the attempt to punish the other.

What would I do? I'd probably opt for spite.
 
Okay. Point understood. Sorry I didnt reread your last message carefully. It s late, and I've been sick.

Mitch
 
If it were me, I'd send birthday wishes (eg. email) and not expect any acknowledgement. That way, I'd be the one doing the right thing, and that would make me feel good enough. Then if I did get a 'thank you' it would be a bonus.

ali32
 
Go the the store, buy a card, get a stamp, and wish the man a happy birthday. This is not as hard as you're making it to be; this "relationship" has turned into a toxic emotional contest of who's gonna' do what first. Right now you're the one losing because this has consumed your thoughts to the point that you'd risk getting trolled and bashed in order to discuss the matter on this forum.

Just remember as you're getting responses that everyone is not going to agree with you and take those opinions into account as well. Don't waste time defending your stance because as LD said (and I paraphrase), you both are punishing each other-you're both guilty of the same offense. The question is who is going to be the bigger man today?

As soon as you accept that your father is who he is and will unlikely ever change, you can move towards inner peace.
 
kis, thanks for your insight. I accept that not everyone is going to agree with me, and I also accept that my father will never change.

As for the buying him a stamp and card, and sending it. There isnt time now. As I said before, his bday is Saturday, and if I sent him a card from here, it wouldn't get to NY until Tuesday, because of time it takes to get there, and the holiday on Monday.

If I do anything, it will probably be via e-mail. Between my thoughts in my own mind, and the replies I'm receiving from the forum, an e-mail is what I think I'm going to do.

Mitch
 
When he's dead, you'll wish you have wished him more birthdays.

Just look at it that way. Unless you want him to die, then, ignore him.
 
Mitchell said:
He's the spiteful one. He cuts off from me, for no other reason, than the fact that he cant control me.
Click to expand...

But he is controlling you with that big fat check he sends you on *your* birthday.
Take that out of the equation and it's a whole different ballgame.

Take the high road and send your Dad a card/gift.

You should give w/o expecting anything in return.
 
this is ridiculous.
nobody can tell you what to do.
you know that, we all know that.

this is a personal matter between YOU and YOUR FATHER.
i'm sorry, but seriously?
you are asking if WE think YOU should wish your father a happy birthday???
 
Ron, I think you have the role of parent-child in reverse. HE should have given without expecting anything in return, years ago, but, anything he gave me, he expected me to be his trained robot. He still expects it, even though I'm almost 41 years old.

Aimee, all my post basically asked, is what people would do if they were in my position. That isn't "ridiculous", but.. view it as you wish.

Mitch
 
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