crossing the line with the new girl? lil advice would be so appreciated

[tickles_me]

So a girl I am seeing said to me that she would rather I cut her with a knife than tickle her. Broke my heart. It was apparently a method of torture and humiliation by an older family member when she was a kid.

She knows how I feel about it and has said she "might warm up" with me as long as I don't tickle her to death. Which I can handle. However I can sense her apprehention and while I can definitely refrain from torturing her, I seriously doubt I could not tickle her ever at all. It is way too ingrained at this point.

My question is this:

Is it unfair of me to consider trying to reassociate it for her a little? Like, if I keep the tickling light and brief, and during intimate interaction, might I hope that a playful squeeze now and again might not produce abject fear? Or is it completely wrong and selfish of me to even consider "changing" her?

I mean, I don't like being bitten or pinched either and no amount of doing that in any context is going to change that for me. Is it the same thing, and I just see it differently because of what tickling is to me?

She seems open to the idea of small doses since I have assured her multiple times that I would never torture her (unless she consented, but I didnt say that O🙂 ). But I hav a gut feeling she is saying it to be appeasing and she is actually really afraid.

I am really torn here. I would love for her to at least let go of that fear and instant humiliation, but I dont want to be so selfish as to force it on her. I have dealt with "i dont like being tickled i will get mad" before, and this isnt disgruntlement. This is terror and it worries me.

We live at a slight distance and this all came up after the last time I saw her. Impending visits could be this or next weekend. Also i am all about being the lee but i dont know that she would be comfortable "inflicting" it on me either (i mentioned it and she skimmed by, which i notice she does with touchy subjects).

Thoughts?

 

[cloudgazer2k]

Tough place to be in, mate. Personally, I wouldn't push the issue. Already the groundwork has been laid out. It could either happen, or it won't.

Question is, since tickling is hard-wired into your psyche, can you really see yourself being happy with someone who can't tolerate tickling?

 

[Provocateur]

We always change people we communicate with, and they change us. Trying to change something about someone isn't bad or selfish, as long as the change isn't violent or forced. You cannot really make somebody change if they don't want to, at least not easily.
As for the biting and pinching, actually that can change for you as well, if you were really in love with such a partner and wanted to make them happy, after a while it would change if you did such things with them. The same is with tickling, however tickling had the added bonus of not hurting 😛 Actually tickling induces laughter, which causes the brain to produce Serotonin (happiness hormone), so basically tickling does make people happy (however that does not mean you can tickle a stranger, since there are inhibitions, etc. which basically nullify the positive effects, and it's even considered rude/weird)

There are obviously negative emotions associated with the tickling, however if you can associate positive ones with it, it should grow to be fine. What you will require is patience, and you should be gentle. Humans are animals like any other, and there is an effect known as Pavlov's effect. It's basically programmed response. What he did is ring a bell every time he gave a dog a treat, and after a while he noticed that the dog would drool every time he rang the bell. How this translates into your situation is that when she allows you to tickle her a bit, be gentle and do it only a bit, then reward her significantly and after a while her brain will link the tickling with the reward. However if you really want to make it sexual/emotional I would suggest the awards be such too.

 

[MrTicklefeet]

I dunno. After ten years of marriage, in which tickling was a part of in the beginning, but later was not to be tolerated, I tend not to force the issue. Especially since I've become hard wired myself over the years since. One gal I had met through a mutual friend was very flirty with me for quite a time, but when I mentioned tickling, she got angry. "I hate being tickled." That killed that. Also asking if I could photograph her feet she got quite immature about the whole thing and gave me shit about it for the rest of the day. Naturally I stopped doing favors for her, which she would ask about frequently. I just lost interest. Screw that. Life is short.

 

[P[a]pi]

I would have her define "might warm up." That could mean "I might let you tickle me" or "I might like it if you tickle me gradually." If it's the first option and you just have to wait on her to allow it then end the relationship if/when you're tired of waiting. If it's the 2nd option then do the stuff you talked about. It sounds like you know how to possibly change her, but she has to be open to it.

 

[rhiannon]

Trying it can't hurt, although you might be right about her only saying it because she wants to be appealing. As long as you stay gentle and respect her boundaries and wishes, I say give it a shot.

 

[tickles_me]

thanks everybody!!! i really appreciate your thoughts.

if no tickling at all was allowed ever, that would be a deal breaker for me. it's too much in my flirting/play as well as the more intimate stuff for me to be happy long term cutting it out entirely. i don't think that's the case here, at least not yet. if it was going to be that strict i would like to think she would have laid it down for me that way.

another aspect to this is that i'm actually more of a lee, although i switch quite nicely, so if it came down to it and tickling her was a very rare exception but she developed a comfort level with tickling me i'm pretty sure that would be doable.

if it doesn't work it doesn't work, i just wasn't sure i was being selfish and/or sort of creepy by thinking i wanted to try making it less scary for her because it's so important to me.

i'm goin to see her this weekend, and i will definitely be testing the waters (so to speak). with any luck she won't black my eye 😛

 

[deadlywiffeathr]

I think Prov touched on a good point earlier. The problem really only stems from her previous negative experiences with tickling. If you can begin to help her associate positive ones with it then she will definatley come around. The hard part will be getting her over that first mental hurdle. She sounds willing for your sake, which is a good sign, so just be accomodating to her needs and help her through it as best you can.

Avoid the rough stuff and pinning down sort of behaviour me thinks. Show her the sensual side of tickling and she'll be putty in your hands 😛

 

[tickles_me]

I think Prov touched on a good point earlier. The problem really only stems from her previous negative experiences with tickling. If you can begin to help her associate positive ones with it then she will definatley come around. The hard part will be getting her over that first mental hurdle. She sounds willing for your sake, which is a good sign, so just be accomodating to her needs and help her through it as best you can.

Avoid the rough stuff and pinning down sort of behaviour me thinks. Show her the sensual side of tickling and spphe'll be putty in your hands 😛

I prefer the sensual type anyway most of the time. If it all goes to hell maybe I will just say screw it and throw down for a ticket to Sydney ;-) (haha too creepy?)

 

[Jagermeistered]

Was she molested?

 

[deadlywiffeathr]

I prefer the sensual type anyway most of the time. If it all goes to hell maybe I will just say screw it and throw down for a ticket to Sydney ;-) (haha too creepy?)

HA! I'll pitch in 😛

 

[Ticklerguy4u]

Was she molested?

I'm betting this is the feeling she is experiencing with tickling. A form of humilation and powerlessness. Almost in her mind a kind of molestation of her body. When she says "warm up" I believe it isnt a sense of warming up to being tickled but a warming up to you. Its could go either way. fifty/fifty.
Its all about whether she can trust you as a person. Whoever tickled her in the past made her feel uneasy because it was not fun for her. She felt violated aka molested.

 

[tickles_me]

I'm betting this is the feeling she is experiencing with tickling. A form of humilation and powerlessness. Almost in her mind a kind of molestation of her body. When she says "warm up" I believe it isnt a sense of warming up to being tickled but a warming up to you. Its could go either way. fifty/fifty.
Its all about whether she can trust you as a person. Whoever tickled her in the past made her feel uneasy because it was not fun for her. She

felt violated aka molested.

Spot on, ticklerguy.


So the visit went well, she is unbelievably ticklish on her back which i learned accidentally. I was "innocently givung sweet kisses" and she could take literally take 5-10 secomds of it before giggling really hard and making me stop. But then she apologized for being so ticklish. I told her it was cute and left it at that.

I gotta say that having to "behave" was incredibly difficult. She has a spectacular smile/laugh and i jist want her under me and wiggling. Sigh. Stillmwilling to see if it will be worth the wait. Im not in any hurry either way. Bur there is your update folks!!

Thanks all again for the thoughts!!

 

[Provocateur]

The kissing thing is good. I have a feeling from what you've written that she enjoyed it. That's good, very good. Keep it at such "accidental" tickling that she enjoys for a while and she'll warm up to it 🙂

 

[Jagermeistered]

Spot on, ticklerguy.


So the visit went well, she is unbelievably ticklish on her back which i learned accidentally. I was "innocently givung sweet kisses" and she could take literally take 5-10 secomds of it before giggling really hard and making me stop. But then she apologized for being so ticklish. I told her it was cute and left it at that.

I gotta say that having to "behave" was incredibly difficult. She has a spectacular smile/laugh and i jist want her under me and wiggling. Sigh. Stillmwilling to see if it will be worth the wait. Im not in any hurry either way. Bur there is your update folks!!

Thanks all again for the thoughts!!

That is cool...

You are exposing your interests, and not dropping a bag of rocks on her head.