D/s, romantic relationships, and the proper balance therein

[Strider]

I've discussed this issue quite a bit with some friends of mine recently, so I figured I'd throw it out here and see what sort of opinions people come back with.

To those of you who engage or have engaged in D/s relationships, to what extent to you combine that sort of relationship with your romantic relationships? Or do you not combine them at all? Just going from my circle of friends in the community, I would say a slight majority of them don't believe in mixing the two, but that lines often get blurred anyway.

When I first met my girlfriend, she told me she either has a significant other or a Dominant. She doesn't have one person who fulfills both roles, and she doesn't have both simultaneously. I've since scrambled that all to hell.

She's still my girlfriend before anything else, but she's also collared to Me as a formalization of the unique way our personal energies interact. While she's not contracted and we're not 24/7, the energy exchange we have also isn't just something that comes out behind closed doors in intimate moments, it's way more fundamental than that. Although the extent to which it emerges is connected to the specific situation at hand, it's always there to some extent. Other than a couple of rather rigidly minded sorts, most I've talked to seem to understand that, even if it's not what works for them.

What say the rest of you? How do you go about finding the balance?

 

[BrightEyes1082]

Since meeting and becoming collared to Lee, I've met lots of people
who aren't necessarily kinky, just kink-friendly. I'm not sure I can
see it working out well to have a dominant male (as either an owner
or boyfriend) in addition to Lee as my owner, but I can see the right
person, vanilla or kinky (top but not Dom), as ending up as my
significant other while being collared to Lee at the same time. I'm
not exactly sure how it would all work out, and I know finding someone
like that won't be that easy, but I do believe it's possible.

 

[Renegade Lotion]

i believe the d/s thing should not go beyond the bedroom. i concider myself to be very dom and very kinky into all kinds of bizzare games in the bedroom (obviously - my tickling 'ler fetish!).

but, i simply dont understand or get the whole thing of "life" in general in the roles 24/7. i believe both parties in a relationship (girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, etc) should be equal.

i just dont understand how someone can enjoy that kind of life outside of the sexual realm. as much of a dom as i am in the bedroom, and how i would NEVER be the sub role, i could never bring myself to wanna rule/own someone in everyday normal life - that went out with the slave trade in my eyes.

but hey, to each their own. whatever turns ya on i suppose. i dont judge, i just dont get it or understand it.

 

[Strider]

BrightEyes, thanks for the response, and good luck in finding what you're looking for.

 

[BrightEyes1082]

i believe the d/s thing should not go beyond the bedroom. i concider myself to be very dom and very kinky into all kinds of bizzare games in the bedroom (obviously - my tickling 'ler fetish!).

Maybe keeping it in the bedroom works for you, but why does that give
you the right to say the rest of us have to?

but, i simply dont understand or get the whole thing of "life" in general in the roles 24/7. i believe both parties in a relationship (girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, etc) should be equal.

Clearly you don't understand, if you think that being a submissive makes
one less of a person than the dominant. Submission is a gift that we (the
submissives) choose to give our Dominant.

i just dont understand how someone can enjoy that kind of life outside of the sexual realm. as much of a dom as i am in the bedroom, and how i would NEVER be the sub role, i could never bring myself to wanna rule/own someone in everyday normal life - that went out with the slave trade in my eyes.

There is a huge difference between slavery and slavehood. Slavehood
is a lifestyle choice. Just because you aren't a sub, or wouldn't want
to own one, doesn't mean the rest of us shouldn't experience it.

but hey, to each their own. whatever turns ya on i suppose. i dont judge, i just dont get it or understand it.

Judging is exactly what you just did... you just said that because you
don't understand why others would like something, that it shouldn't be
done. If that's not judging, I don't know what is.

 

[Strider]

i believe both parties in a relationship (girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, etc) should be equal.

They're equal in the sense that both have the ability to unilaterally end the relationship at any time they want.

Until that point, the relationship is one of two adults which has been consensually entered into.

 

[Renegade Lotion]

Maybe keeping it in the bedroom works for you, but why does that give
you the right to say the rest of us have to?


Clearly you don't understand, if you think that being a submissive makes
one less of a person than the dominant. Submission is a gift that we (the
submissives) choose to give our Dominant.


There is a huge difference between slavery and slavehood. Slavehood
is a lifestyle choice. Just because you aren't a sub, or wouldn't want
to own one, doesn't mean the rest of us shouldn't experience it.


Judging is exactly what you just did... you just said that because you
don't understand why others would like something, that it shouldn't be
done. If that's not judging, I don't know what is.

my lord, you took everything i said totaly out of context. i never said 99% of the things you said i did. bout the only thing you got right was that i dont understand it. i never said anyone has to feel what i do and do what i do, never said one person was less than anyone else, never said that anyone who doesnt want to experience it shouldnt, never said because i dont understand it that it shouldnt be done.

anyone reading my reply would see that. was simply just saying that i just dont understand the lifestyle, and my opinion on it.

no need to jump down my throat, put words in my mouth (or text) and make something out of nothing because i have a different view than you. yikes! some people!

 

[Renegade Lotion]

They're equal in the sense that both have the ability to unilaterally end the relationship at any time they want.

Until that point, the relationship is one of two adults which has been consensually entered into.

hey, thanks for responding civil and explaining an aspect of the whole lifestyle. that kinda lightens up one of the parts i didnt get how it worked.

 

[BrightEyes1082]

i never said 99% of the things you thought i did.

Well... except that you did.

i believe the d/s thing should not go beyond the bedroom.

anyone reading my reply would see that. was simply just saying that i just dont understand the lifestyle, and my opinion on it.

That's simply not true. I didn't see that at all. It's simply not what you said.
Whether or not it's what you meant is questionable.

no need to jump down my throat, put words in my mouth (or text) and make something out of nothing because i have a different view than you. yikes! some people!

I'm not jumping down your throat, or making something out of nothing
because you have a different view than me. I'm making something out
of it because you said that it should have to stay in the bedroom. You
made a generalization that you felt should apply to all BDSMers because
that's how you felt about it. That's going to cause any lifestyle BDSMer
to react.

 

[Renegade Lotion]

I'm not jumping down your throat, or making something out of nothing
because you have a different view than me. I'm making something out
of it because you said that it should have to stay in the bedroom. You
made a generalization that you felt should apply to all BDSMers because
that's how you felt about it. That's going to cause any lifestyle BDSMer
to react.

i said "i believe", which means, my opinion. that doesnt mean whats right for me is right for someone else and vice versa - to each their own. just because your into something im not, doesnt make you any less of a person. never said or ment anything to the nature.

anyone that knows me knows that im not a judging kinda person, and im very open and accepting of people's views, opinions, lifestyles, etc wether i agree or not. i was just giving my personal feelings on what "I" feel since the thread was here.

i think this whole misunderstanding is yet another case of internet text typing vs real time voice or face to face interaction. i hate the damn internet but love it all at the same time. has its pros and cons Lol no hard feelings? not tryin to make drama here (christ we all have enough of that in everyday offline life!)

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

my lord, you took everything i said totaly out of context. i never said 99% of the things you said i did. bout the only thing you got right was that i dont understand it. i never said anyone has to feel what i do and do what i do, never said one person was less than anyone else, never said that anyone who doesnt want to experience it shouldnt, never said because i dont understand it that it shouldnt be done.

anyone reading my reply would see that. was simply just saying that i just dont understand the lifestyle, and my opinion on it.

no need to jump down my throat, put words in my mouth (or text) and make something out of nothing because i have a different view than you. yikes! some people!

I understand what you meant to say, but when I read your original response, I took it the same way BrightEyes did. Let me try to explain why.

i believe the d/s thing should not go beyond the bedroom.

Your opening sentence is likely to put someone in the defensive, because even if what you meant was "I believe the D/s thing should not go beyond MY bedroom," thereby referring only to yourself, what you actually said was it shouldn't outside THE bedroom. I recognize that it's only a one word difference, but it does make it sound like you're making a blanket statement about D/s in general, and that blanket statement sounds insulting to people who do choose to experience D/s outside the bedroom.

but, i simply dont understand or get the whole thing of "life" in general in the roles 24/7. i believe both parties in a relationship (girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, etc) should be equal.

In one breath you're saying you "don't get" it, and that's perfectly understandable. But in the next breath you're saying both parties should be equal. This, again, portrays that there's a right and wrong way, and that lifestyle D/s is the "wrong" way. It comes across as though you're saying you don't understand it, and so it's wrong. Now, I don't think that's what you are trying to say. I'm just trying to explain to you how it came across. Saying something like, "In my relationships, I prefer both parties be equal," would eliminate the appearance of the dichotomy of right and wrong.

i just dont understand how someone can enjoy that kind of life outside of the sexual realm. as much of a dom as i am in the bedroom, and how i would NEVER be the sub role, i could never bring myself to wanna rule/own someone in everyday normal life - that went out with the slave trade in my eyes.

Again, you're saying you don't understand something, and then in the next breath criticizing it. Comparing D/s, a multifaceted, nurturing, and above all, consensual relationship in which both parties grow and benefit, to the slave trade, which was cruel, barbaric, and nonconsensual is incredibly offensive. I've never engaged in any D/s activities in my life, and I'M offended by the comparison, let alone people who DO choose to make D/s part of their lifestyle.

but hey, to each their own. whatever turns ya on i suppose. i dont judge, i just dont get it or understand it.

Even this last quote, where you blatently state that you're not trying to judge anyone, sounds somewhat crast. "I'm not judging you, I just don't get it," sounds alot like, "If that's what you're into great, but I think it's ridiculous."

I honestly believe that you meant no harm, but I strongly urge you to consider not only what you mean, but how you come across, because it's the latter that's going to garnish the most attention.

 

[Renegade Lotion]

I understand what you meant to say, but when I read your original response, I took it the same way BrightEyes did. Let me try to explain why.



Your opening sentence is likely to put someone in the defensive, because even if what you meant was "I believe the D/s thing should not go beyond MY bedroom," thereby referring only to yourself, what you actually said was it shouldn't outside THE bedroom. I recognize that it's only a one word difference, but it does make it sound like you're making a blanket statement about D/s in general, and that blanket statement sounds insulting to people who do choose to experience D/s outside the bedroom.



In one breath you're saying you "don't get" it, and that's perfectly understandable. But in the next breath you're saying both parties should be equal. This, again, portrays that there's a right and wrong way, and that lifestyle D/s is the "wrong" way. It comes across as though you're saying you don't understand it, and so it's wrong. Now, I don't think that's what you are trying to say. I'm just trying to explain to you how it came across. Saying something like, "In my relationships, I prefer both parties be equal," would eliminate the appearance of the dichotomy of right and wrong.



Again, you're saying you don't understand something, and then in the next breath criticizing it. Comparing D/s, a multifaceted, nurturing, and above all, consensual relationship in which both parties grow and benefit, to the slave trade, which was cruel, barbaric, and nonconsensual is incredibly offensive. I've never engaged in any D/s activities in my life, and I'M offended by the comparison, let alone people who DO choose to make D/s part of their lifestyle.



Even this last quote, where you blatently state that you're not trying to judge anyone, sounds somewhat crast. "I'm not judging you, I just don't get it," sounds alot like, "If that's what you're into great, but I think it's ridiculous."

I honestly believe that you meant no harm, but I strongly urge you to consider not only what you mean, but how you come across, because it's the latter that's going to garnish the most attention.

thanks for the breakdown skipadee..i do see what you mean, and it goes back to what i had just said about text vs voice or in person interaction. its really hard to get into deep discussions this way (or at least for me it is), still not used to text emote, phrasing etc to get points and meaning across..and not sure if ill ever be able to do it 100% succesful..and ive been on the net almost 10 years!

its kinda like...example..you dont know my tone of voice or facial expression..so i could say:

you suck


and that looks mean, angry, insult like..but if i typed it

you suck LOL

then you'll see its ment differently..

so i see what ya mean..but is there hope for me in this cyber age? probably not lol but hell i try

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

thanks for the breakdown skipadee..i do see what you mean, and it goes back to what i had just said about text vs voice or in person interaction. its really hard to get into deep discussions this way (or at least for me it is), still not used to text emote, phrasing etc to get points and meaning across..and not sure if ill ever be able to do it 100% succesful..and ive been on the net almost 10 years!

its kinda like...example..you dont know my tone of voice or facial expression..so i could say:

you suck


and that looks mean, angry, insult like..but if i typed it

you suck LOL

then you'll see its ment differently..

so i see what ya mean..but is there hope for me in this cyber age? probably not lol but hell i try

Auw - I would absolutely not say there's no hope for you We all have our miscommunications thanks to wonderful/horrible net No worries!

Now...back on topic!!

Sorry Strider - I've never been in a D/s relationship, and thus having to add! Sorry!

 

[Strider]

hey, thanks for responding civil and explaining an aspect of the whole lifestyle. that kinda lightens up one of the parts i didnt get how it worked.

Well, to be honest with you; you didn't come off that great, but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway, that having been said, let's try to keep things on topic.

 

[Mister Scruff]

To those of you who engage or have engaged in D/s relationships, to what extent to you combine that sort of relationship with your romantic relationships? Or do you not combine them at all? Just going from my circle of friends in the community, I would say a slight majority of them don't believe in mixing the two, but that lines often get blurred anyway.

Surely that's because the whole D/s thing is (according to some sources I can't cite here because I've forgotten who they are) merely an extension/ aberration of the normal give-take dynamic present in all relationships? As a curious non-D/ser one of the things that's always gotten my back up when it comes to Dominants and subs is this aloofness they have, where they seem to think they're doing something dramatically different from the rest of us muggles when, as far as I can see, all they're doing is formalising, codifying and exagerrating the normal dynamic of any personal relationship. I give no credence to the "violence against women" bollocks, volenti non fit injuria and all that, but this weird pseudo-mysticism that a lot of D/sers attach to their lifestyle and the status they reserve for themselves as a result doesn't chime well with me.

So yeah. I'm speaking from a position of theoretical study and practical ignorance here, but I'd say there's no reason, on paper at least, that a D/s relationship can't find the balance in itself and become a romantic relationship, or vice versa. Obviously if you're looking long term you might want to suspend the D/s relationship when it comes to the minutiae of everyday life (using your status as a Dom to force her to do the dishes or have him pick the kids up from school every day might be considered bad sport), but I can't see how, with the right fit of individuals and the right circumstances, the two would be mutually exclusive.

 

[BellaRisa]

Most D/s couples I know are also together romantically, in fact non-romantic D/s has been the rare exception in my personal experience. My Dominant is also my boyfriend and I often use the two terms interchangeably, and my marriage isn't formally D/s but my husband is most definitely the Alpha with final say in our household, always has been. For me, there simply is no submission without romantic love, I'm just not wired that way. The power exchange is definitely more intense behind closed doors since we're able to focus more in private, but it's always there; we naturally fall into those roles when we're together

 

[Snail Shell]

While there is no formal romantic relationship between myself and Kitten, my play partner, she has expressed her feelings for me on more than one occasion. As well, she has trouble becoming 'submissive' with anyone she isn't attracted to or has feelings for. Play without that attraction is simply bottoming and masochistic; a method of seeing how much she can take. She won't achieve subspace.

Snail Shell

 

[Strider]

Surely that's because the whole D/s thing is (according to some sources I can't cite here because I've forgotten who they are) merely an extension/ aberration of the normal give-take dynamic present in all relationships?

In many cases I'd say that could be accurate. But in others, the relationship is totally service-based and platonic. Those who engage in that sort of relationship oftentimes do so in addition to a primary romantic relationship.