Dark confession...

[Ace Riley]

Decided to start a post on something that's been bugging me for awhile, and that I've never been able to share..

When I first recognized this fetish, I was pretty young. Man, I probably don't remember the age really. I just knew that tickling did things to me it did to nobody else. I looked everywhere I could for sources of it, was ecstatic to see it on TV or cartoons.

I do know that being tickled was akin to torture for me after I was first tickled at school. I couldn't bear it. Couldn't stand the weakness, the vulnerability. I felt in fact, as I grew older quite sick to my stomach that tickling was a turn on to me.

Tickling to me meant inflicting a sort of torture to someone, despite the playful intentions that lead up to it, I felt the urge to inflict that which was inflicted on me, it took an amazing amount of self control not to let that go. Not to guide my hand and go overboard.

I beat myself mentally so much that whenever I saw someone being tickled, friendly... or not, I would leave the room or area. I would just distance myself from it. I couldn't understand my feelings or intentions. I've seen some excessive tickling done to people in middle school and I never intervened.

To get off on torture, humiliation, control and dominance with no consensual agreement. Akin to making another, a woman, hell even a man a freakin' object... how the hell could I be turned on by that and still look at myself in the mirror? The analytical side of me is telling me it's wrong but everything else pointed to it being right...

I curse myself this day for not having the courage to stop it. I hated myself, for feeling excited at something I knew was so dark. For the longest time I think I felt just plain dirty for having these feelings. I know, I wasn't hurting anyone, but in my mind I got off on the absolute manipulation of others.

I didn't see a healthy alternative, I didn't see that in the world people managed to share those desires in a healthy, controlled manner. I honestly thought I was insane, and alone.

I didn't recognize it as a fetish until I was much older, but seeing others similar to me was an elation. I truly felt an outlet seeing others out there that could love tickling so openly. There was no darkness among them, no true feeling of malicious intent.

Suddenly, I didn't feel that this fetish was so dirty and malicious... I could somehow mold it into something more practical, sensual and adult. I matured thanks to this place...

It was only till recently, with the love of my wife, and from the people I've met here that I felt open enough to sort of come out with this. I think a recent thread kind of made me aware of something I buried awhile ago myself.

Recently, I've become more of a switch than a tickler. Somehow it seems that I managed to acknowledge my love of tickling stems from the sensations it brings, the mental struggle and the freedom of letting go. I've always wanted to be in that position of power, but I realize it all stemmed from that desire to be able to let go myself.

Male lees, for years even on the TMF weren't exactly the most popular lot. Being a lee had a stigma of weakness alot of guys never wanted to admit to. I remember the first few years of the TMF that F/M and M/M in particularly would be hit by SO many flames it was disturbing.

Being a male lee was something hard for me to accept, so I masked it by an exclusive love of tickling others. Anytime I was tickled I shied away or just did my best not to seem ticklish, and felt such disappointment when they would stop... it took awhile, even years from now for me to truly feel comfortable with allowing myself to just be open with me, and let go of the inhibitions that tickling seemed to just choke me with. YEARS after being on the TMF and I still couldn't just let go, lol, I feel so silly now.

Being in Iraq gives me a LOT of time to think, and going home for r&r helped me in saying FU to alot of my demons. I couldn't have done it without the love of my life, or you, the TMF.

I know most of this doesn't concern any of you, and I'm usually not one to put the spotlight on myself. Hell I rarely make threads. Just felt the need to just spit it out, lol kinda nervous just doing that right now with no alcohol nearby...🙂

Anyways, thanks for listening...sorry bout all this. ^^

 

[jpmtickle]

Nicely said...

Hello, Ace. I know we've never talked but I appreciate your post. I also was very young and didn't know what to do with these feelings until becoming more of a young adult and finding communities out there like this one. Thankfully I never went down the "dark path" with my feelings as you did with yours but I can see perfectly how they could lead you into thinking that way.

I'm also glad there's more of a general acceptance of male 'lees but even if there isn't now--hell, what do you or any of us have to prove? Enjoy it for all that it is to you and if you've got a loving wife that understands and supports you then good on you both! 😉

Thanks for opening up--I can tell it wasn't easy for you and it's cool that you were comfortable enough to put yourself out there. I hope one day I can enjoy being a lee as much as I would like to but until then I'll keep living vicariously through you and any other guy loving it.

Peace,
~JP

 

[Boba1]

Hey mate, good to hear you're OK.

 

[SteelJaw]

Hey amigo, im glad to here 1 that u made it back in one piece, and 2 that you coming to trems with your intrest. It is hard to deal with these thing sometimes, but u should never be ashamed of who you are.

 

[Ace Riley]

Thank you Brother, I'm still here in Mosul. I returned for 2 weeks during February for R&R... then I had to come back out. Been here since Oct 06. ^-^

I appreciate the sentiment. I know it seems I'm speaking alot of nothing I'm sure to some, but honestly, I think if there's anything that totally encapsulates why I showed up here to the TMF in the first place, and how this forum has helped me change, I think this post is why.

I lurked for years before my first post. lol

Now I plan on coming to NEST when I return to the US for good on January/February next year. If only to put the final nail in the coffin, and surround myself by that which for quite some time I wished to avoid.

Posts by Jamesbond and Ivory Tickler recently made me aware that I've felt similar sentiment in public situations that I've suppressed for quite some time. Despite the apprehension, I honestly think a place like NEST would be good for me. I really think that. After hearing from everyone here, it's just the obvious next step. I'm frankly jealous of them all.

 

[milagros317]

I can remember the same feeling, of being unique and weird with a tickling fetish when I was an adolescent. That was well before the internet and there was no visible tickling community to find.

Now being a male lee was so accepted at NEST that many men there expressed their congratulations and/or envy when I won the raffle grand prize, being tickled by two models from MPClips.com.

 

[slap'n'ticklee]

No need to apologise, that was a very honest and moving post. I'm glad that you've come to realise things and feel more settled because of it.

All the best 🙂

 

[Babbles]

No need to apologise, that was a very honest and moving post. I'm glad that you've come to realise things and feel more settled because of it.

All the best 🙂

Summed it up nicely there too.
I had the same thoughts since very early childhood & also felt very weird, rest assured you have lots of company here... The younger you are here, the luckier, obviously, for having found like-minded people, sites and gatherings -- and knowing you're not really all that odd. I used to think, "how can others not be aware of this, or seek it?" Probably many more do, but (we're) still closeted publicly -- It seems so very obvious, pleasant over/stimulation of surface/nerve endings...

I couldn't tickle anyone or participate growing up because I knew I couldn't stand it, and didn't want to impose my "strange interest" upon anyone either... (though I hate f/f so that was no temptation, but I'd get mad regardless, watching a group of friends descend upon one girl on a rare occasion..).

Don't beat yourself up if you didn't intervene if you thought you might've witnessed anything of that sort as an adolescent; that age is wretchedly difficult enough for most kids or young adults, especially if you're not used to drawing attention to yourself, as you said.
The fact you questioned yourself & never forced anyone is what's most important. It's also sometimes difficult to distinguish what's really non-consensual and what's playful & anticipated... especially at that age.
I intervened once in elementary school when a girl called out for help, being chased by boys -- She asked, so I brought it. And she wasn't too happy with me for it... 🙄

As an adult most probably wouldn't hesitate, erring for caution, but for a kid it's an especially tough call.

Very glad the world is (slowly but still) opening up for men as well as for women --- You guys can wear pink, express emotion and get tickled without being falsely labelled "sissies" by the more insecure among you 😛
Hope you're sent home well & soon, best wishes

 

[kis123]

Wow....all I can say is.....wow!

The first part of your post described me in my early teens when I learned to bottle up my feelings because I felt like I was some sort of freak! The last part of your letter (excluding your deployment, of course) described the last two years of my life when I actually dropped my ler guard and allowed myself to be the lee; I was surprised to find out that once I passed that icky vulnerability I sorta' kinda' liked it. After a few months with a "friend", I got used to it; it's still hard to let that controlling ler in me have fun!

I guess....er.....umm....we do have a little something in common huh? 😱

Oh, and if a certain person posted his thoughts on tickling the way you just did, maybe he wouldn't have ended up buried in a flame avalanche! Your honesty and vulnerability are appreciated and respected IMO.

I wish you well and hope you get back home to that beautiful wife so you can get some more lee time in! Well, that's not the only reason, but add it to your growing list........

 

[tklgal226]

I echo what many people above have already said...nice post, to say the least.

Reading that was scary and relieving for me, as I share MANY of those exact feelings. One that really hit home was the desire to leave the room the second anything T-related started happening. I felt alone and strange about that for so long, and my original "coming out post" on here back in 2004 was the first time I really admitted any of those feelings. Like I'm sure many people on here, I had tears in my eyes when I found the TMF for the first time - I felt normal.

I had the same thing with guilt as well. I would often think about everyone's favorite subject, but some block in my mind would never allow me to apply it to anyone in my real life, whether they be friends or movie stars. I found myself creating characters for that very purpose, but that only entertains for so long. And, obviously, it wasn't healthy for my relationships. Luckily I've gotten past that phase 🙂 But I completely relate to what you were saying.

And, again, I echo you for that same reason for wanting to go to NEST. More than anything else, I think it'd be good for me. To be with like-minded people and to face the situation for the first time pubicly - I really do think it would be positive.

In conclusion? (Lol) Awesome post, for lack of a better compliment. 😉

 

[Musicroxmysox]

Like those who have posted so far I understand the need to keep it hidden. As one of the younger people on the site though I am glad to have found TMF and realize that what we find fun and exciting is not wrong or bad at all. Thanks for being strong Ace and sharing your experience. Be safe over there in Iraq.

 

[Italian_Touch]

Wonderful wonderful post Ace.

First of all, I am glad to hear from you and to see that you are ok. You're doing a tough job and there are many people around the world behind you.

Said that, it is amazing how most of us (probably) are sharing the same story. I have been loving tickling since my childhood but recognized as a fetish only very late. It took me even longer to ACCEPT that I had a fetish. During the adolescence, while I was still clueless, I was "using" it as a "normal" regular way of interaction. I cannot even imagine how many girls I really pissed off. And the worst part is that I never even get why, at that time, also considering that in Italy there are probably more taboos even among adolescents. When I realized that tickling was something different for me than all the people around I felt really pityfull... trying to understand why, to repress it, and so on. As for you, TMF changed my life. It helped to know myself better and *finally* I found that I was NOT alone. And this does not appear to be the end of the journey.

Finally, I believe it is all a matter of education. Getting to know yourself and not being afraid of educate yourself on aspects of your personality that are still taboo or unconventional. Everybody has his own passions and "operational" modalities. Being afraid of exploring them or live them without the proper realization just make you feel sick and pitifull.

Then, when you get lucky enough to be able to share them with other like minded people and or significant others with no shame or blame you hit your stairway to peace of mind and happiness (well, if it was only that though, life would be easy, wouldn't it?).

So, way to go man... and, no, you're not alone!


So, way to go man.

 

[911]

I personally still find this fetish strange and I've never spoken about it ever. Having sexual interests that aren't very common makes me uncomfortable and kind of down. If I ever had a girlfriend that's a big if, I wonder if I would share this with her and would this be a problem. Just wanted to tell you that I can relate.

 

[cloudgazer2k]

welcome to the fold in full, my friend! if we cross paths at NEST '08, i got a beer with your name on it.

 

[Coda]

That's a wonderful post, Ace. I'm glad people like you are willing to share so openly.

 

[Ace Riley]

...I woke up to so many posts. Thanks for replying guys, I felt that others here might have been sloggin' in the same muck growing up. It's strange how times change, and how we view life as we get older.

I was honestly so nervous posting I was thiiiis close to deleting the thread lol. ^o^ I'm glad I didn't though.

Thanks for reminding me why the TMF is so awesome guys. Seriously. It's why I have to come here once or twice... maybe 5 times a day. 🙂 You rock.

 

[WheresThe Clip?]

Ditto Ditto Ditto everthing you said, especially the F/M stuff.

 

[kered]

welcome to the fold in full, my friend! if we cross paths at NEST '08, i got a beer with your name on it.

Make that two beers, Ace. And it will be my privilege to buy you one!

 

[drew70]

Ace, it took a lot of guts to open up like that, and God bless you for it. I sense you NEEDED to get that out there, and doing so was not only good therapy for yourself, but for the others of us that responded, and I dare say many that won't respond.

I too can recall passing through childhood and adolescence asking that awful question, "What's WRONG with me??" I'm glad you've come to accept who you are without sacrificing your character or integrity. It is truly a pleasure to know you, Ace!

 

[Strider]

I don't think I ever really had much of an issue with my various kinks. It never really ocurred to me that there was anything strange about them, perhaps I just grew up surrounded by deviants, who knows.

I guess I may not have been around during the times when male lees weren't particularly accepted. The entire idea that they wouldn't be strikes me as a bit odd, though, unfortunately, even people who should know better seem to sometimes have a knee-jerk image of a male sub as some 40 something accountant wearing argyle socks kneeling before a pro-Domme.

 

[SlaverTickler]

That took balls...

...it always takes alot of guts to come out on anything. How you feel is how alot of us felt at one time or aother. Tho' M/M has never been my cup of tea I wouldn't denie anyone there right to it, if thats what they enjoy. Personaly I think people who would bust on someone elts likes in a disresectful way have no place here at the forum. Funny how a group of people who have a foundness for tickling, and fear being ridaculed would lash out on a person wit the same fetish just because it's a guy who is found of being tickled by, or tickling other guys. If you enjoy being a lee, weather it is F/M or M/M do what you like. Your a brother in the forum, and your likes should be respected even if they aren't understood.

 

[SlaverTickler]

I don't think I ever really had much of an issue with my various kinks. It never really ocurred to me that there was anything strange about them, perhaps I just grew up surrounded by deviants, who knows.

I guess I may not have been around during the times when male lees weren't particularly accepted. The entire idea that they wouldn't be strikes me as a bit odd, though, unfortunately, even people who should know better seem to sometimes have a knee-jerk image of a male sub as some 40 something accountant wearing argyle socks kneeling before a pro-Domme.

Isn't the use of a Dom in the S&M world general done by wealthy white males? It always seemed so in the movies anyways. Maybe a pro-dom could verify this.

 

[kilitiinko1]

Great post,Ace!

I can relate too. It's funny how even as a very small child you know you should keep it hidden.

I`ve often marveled at this myself-we all somehow "know" that this is something to keep to ourselves,something we can only reveal to the closest of confidants.

I also am very thankful for the TMF and all of the wonderful people here who have made this the great place that it is for us ticklephiles.As a male `lee,I`ve never had any problems with being flamed or accused of being less of a man. It would surprise me greatly if it were to occur.There are just too many good people here,and many of them have lived through the same feelings and thoughts that I have.I think this really makes us stronger as we can see that we are not alone in the vanilla world,there are many others just like us!

Ace,as a former Marine,I can identify with how important it is to be able to let off some steam over the course of an interminable deployment!By all means,pop in here and enjoy yourself! Also,take care,and get back here safe and sound,so that we may all have the opportunity to join you for a beverage at NEST next year! Good luck and Godspeed!

 

[SlaverTickler]

I also am very thankful for the TMF and all of the wonderful people here who have made this the great place that it is for us ticklephiles.

The forum has come alongway since it's humble beginings in the late 90's, before it move here. Now it is a true comunity, greater then the some of it's parts you could say. I love coming here, and sharing views and learning from the people I meat. Hell even the few people here I don't like I still sort of like. That being said, when you use words like Ticklephile no wonder you've felt like a freak, I HATE THAT TERM! It is the most disterbing thing ever, it sounds like someone who pulls little children into bushes or something. I swear to GOD I want to ring the neck of the jerk-off who came up with that term!

 

[Stugots]

You must feel so liberated! Good for you, and somewhat good or maybe not so good for your wife, I guess...when ya get back. Whether the ticklee-phobic members here like it or not, one must be tickled first in order to be introduced to tickling and have an understanding for what it's all about! Everybody gets tickled first when they're an infant or young child before they even have the ability to tickle. Want some proof?

Here is a test for you cynics and sexually repressed members here. If you're a tickler and you happen to have a certain spot you prefer to tickle on more so than others, you are most likely ticklish on those spots.
For example: foot ticklers are ticklish on their feet. If they aren't ticklish on their feet they're lying. Same goes with ub lers and their fixation with armpits or the sides and any other areas where lers prefer to tickle on.

Well, what if you happen to be one of those lers who doesn't have a favorite spot to tickle on? I feel sorry for you, because whoever tickled you when you were an infant or young child had ADD and didn't stay on 1 spot long enough! Or maybe you just like to tickle wherever gives the most reactions... it's ok, I understand... you haven't made up your mind and you're fickle. Or maybe you aren't fully aware of what ticklish spots on you get you going... so you cover all over just to be certain you don't miss anything. Get tickled more and pay attention! That way you'll have a better idea of what to do next time when you tickle.

P.S. And whatever ya do, don't be one of those lers who says they tickle all over just to gain approval from lees who happen to hate being tickled on certain spots deep down you really like to tickle on...alot! Be honest and upfront about liking feet! Same goes with any other bodypart you lers like to tickle that lees don't like being tickled.