DEEP, possibly depressing topic

[Dave2112]

Hmmmm.....this is a good question. Being 38 and never having been married I guess I can give it a shot. Of course, some of you know that I had the perfect person in my life many, many years ago and managed to fuck that up completely and have yet to find real love again....but anyhooo....

The perfect person for me, the one that I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with is hypothetically sitting across the room from me, let's see....

She has a great sense of humor. Big Thing #-Fucking-1. A woman without a quirky and offbeat sense of humor like my own can keep on a-movin'.

She shares my tickling fetish and understands a real Sub/Dom relationship and all of it's inherant dynamics. This is Big Thing # 2. I'm sorry, but I know I simply cannot share my entire life with someone who does not share and mutually fulfill both of our fantasies. It's too big a part of me and there's no point in trying anything else.

She gives back what I give. I am a very affectionate person and show it in numerous ways, not all of them (or even most of them) sexual. She strokes the back of my neck while sitting on the couch watching TV for no reason. She hugs me when I come home.

She shows an interest in the things that I love, as I do for her...even though we may not have all of the same interests. It's the spaces in between that leave room for us to grow.

She loves animals. Absolute neccesity. No compromise on this one.

She is musically inclined to some degree or another...even if it's just an appreciation and understanding of true music and not just the pop of the moment.

She is physically attractive to me. Sorry to be politically incorrect, but if we're talking about someone I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, this is a must. I'm not talking about drop-dead model-gorgeous, but pretty. I'm not a stickler for breast size like a lot of men are, but seing as how the bulk of my tickling fetish centers around the upper-body stuff, all of that should be in general "working order", so to speak. (My apologies to the fine ladies here for possibly coming across as a pig with that last comment, but I assure you it wasn't intended the way it probably came out. )

And last but not least, she is playful. Not just in the bedroom, but in life. She enjys life for it's own sake and appreciates the things many others overlook. She is not about the money or the possesions, but the experiences.

Ok, that's a hell of a list, huh?

Maybe that's why I'm still single...

 

[BellaRisa]

:

The perfect person for me, the one that I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with is hypothetically sitting across the room from me, let's see....Ok, that's a hell of a list, huh?

Maybe that's why I'm still single...

Actually I think your list is excellent, and it definitely isn't too much to ask for. Switch the gender and add 'must love children' and you have my list .

A lot of folks get riled when people say they need to be attracted to their life partner, because inner beauty is more important, looks fade, etc. That's all very true, but in reality there's more to it than that. In my experience, the marriages and relationships that go the distance and keep the passion alive are the ones where the couple (or triad or quad ) find each other hot no matter how long they've been together. The thing is, 'hot' means different things to different people, and love is a huge part of what makes your partner attractive to you when you're right for each other

Bella

 

[Strider]

OK...you're sitting in your living room, family room, den..whatever.

Across from you is sitting the person you choose to spend your life with. Not the person you ended up with due to circumstances...not necessarily the person you ended up with before you found Josie's site, or Jack's Rack or TMF....not the person who is a good mother/father....but the person you really really are meant to be with. Never mind if that person is really possible or logical.

Describe that person.

she's the one that got away...

yeah, I guess we all have one

 

[devilsadvocate]

i look at the chair opposite me and i know there is someone in it. but she does not fit my ideals of the perfect partner. damn.

anyhow here's my list

Must be funny. there's nothing worse than not being able to see the humour in something. otherwise its a relationship akin to watching paint dry.

Must not be weak and give in to jealousy/envy.

Must be able to continue a conversation and not have awkward pauses.

Must be passionate in and out of the bedroom.

Must not be willing to sacrifice "her" to be part of an "us" i hate those relationships with a passion!!!!!!

 

[Capnmad]

On understanding, "perfect mates", and the thought-limiting capacity of language.

I really really liked this answer. Well done, Capn.

Well, thanks... 🙂 And with your comments, I felt compelled to go back and actually read what others had written. I won't claim to speak for Lindy or Ann -- they speak well enough themselves. But on the point of leaving oneself open to the myriad possibilities a human being may offer, I think we indeed hold something in common.

(I'd written a lengthy post, but no one need go blind reading my ramblings, so allow me to try to break it down to the keys of it -- though even these got rather lengthy... Just trying to clarify my desire for and the benefits of what I mentioned as "highly adaptive understanding".)

"Perfection" is often a misnomer in this context, as no one really wants a "perfect" mate. Who wants a "Stepford Wife"? Who wants to live in that failed first version of "The Matrix" where the world was a perfect utopian existence? No one. No one wants perfection, really, lest they feel either bored or inadequate by comparison. What people want is "wabi-sabi" -- the beauty of imperfection, incompleteness and impermanence, and if they are lacking it, the ability to appreciate it. If they lack these things, they will be perilously unhappy, I think with our flawed existence. (Heck, people here have asked for what would be character "flaws" to one person or another -- things like being a "smart-ass", or submissive in bed, as part of their definition of perfection -- they've learned the "flaws" they like. It's another reason I put "flaws" in quotes... If they're desirable, are they really "flaws" or "qualities"..? It all gets tricky when speaking in absolutes of value.)

Granted, you may not like a certain flaw or deficiency or a problem, but you can learn to appreciate it for what it is and how it came about, and you can (if you choose to) work to understand it.

I have great friends, and among my great friends, we have great differences of opinion, and sometimes great misunderstandings. The thing that makes our relationships great is that we can talk through our problems rather than shutting down, and either agree to disagree, resolve it, manage it, or take a hiatus and reapproach later. They don't expect me to be a "perfect" friend -- they expect me to be a human friend, and I expect the same of them. With those expectations in place and the will to continue a friendship, understanding evolves.

I have things that I like and things I don't like in a mate, but I don't really have much of a checklist. For all I know, some strange woman may come along and blow away all my expectations and understandings as they are today, and then for what use is a detailed checklist (though some sort of detailed checklist, I guess, was the request of this thread, originally)? Sure, I have things that are non-negotiable (no Nazis, please!), but I'll talk to nearly anyone civilly for at least a while (I've been known to pleasantly debate members of the "Israeli Church of Universal Practical Knowledge" on occasion -- at least, pleasantly on my part 🙂 ).

I'm not afraid of problems or people with them. Name me a person without problems of one manner or another. I guess such a person might be in the running for “perfect”, eh? But there aren't any. So, maybe it would be better to speak of beauty than "perfection"... "What makes one a truly beautiful (in every sense of the word) lifelong mate?" I think, in essence, that's what's really being asked here, if we mean it to be either feasible in reality, or even a desirable hypothetical. I wouldn't ask for a perfect friend. I wouldn't want a perfect sibling. Why should I demand a perfect mate? Those who say they have their "perfect mates" already: Have you ever had an argument with them? Fights and disagreements aren't perfect, but there you are. Let’s get over the notion of “perfect” because it’s misleading. I want a mate beautiful in the ways I've described, beautiful for her qualities, beautiful for her flaws, but chief among these beauties, to me, is the beauty of adaptive understanding (very important, I think, as I'm a strange beast to understand sometimes, as are many of you, I wager 🙂 ).

Well, to be pessimistic (which, sadly I am until proven other wise) There is no perfect person, only someone you settle for, nothing more...

I think, too often, our thoughts become trapped in phraseology more commonly used than those options less spoken of. Talk of "The One" (a "perfect person") and the alternative of "settling" are far too common -- so much so that these sometimes seem the only options when they are not. I do not believe in "The One", but (perhaps many) possible "ones", and I don't believe in "settling". "Settling" to me suggests inaction, an end, stagnation, and resignation. I don't settle. I grow. Problems or apparent deficiencies in people to me are simply things I or the other party don't understand well enough. Increasing understanding is development and growth, and in these are (usually) the solution to or management of the problem(s).

I want someone with whom to grow, and who will grow with me (because I'm not perfect and neither are they). Adaptive understanding is key to this growth. Sometimes understanding is a struggle (I know sometimes I get stumped for a bit), but if each party believes the other to be worthwhile, they keep at it until they get it. Someone who didn't have that -- didn't have that desire to know and understand, the tenacity to achieve it, the ability to appreciate what they've learned, no matter how different it is from their way of thought, and the care for me to stick with it until that understanding is achieved (whether it need be mine or theirs) -- I could not be mated with, likely, for any length of time.

I don't know if I could ever guarantee that I could stay with one woman for the rest of my life. I'd like to believe so -- I'm very much a "one-woman man" in my thinking, so even at my most "promiscuous", I'll probably remain a serial monogamist. I'd like to think I could make at least one, if not several women (one at a time) very happy through the span of my life, but the key to all of it is understanding, appreciating, and not shutting people out -- whether in communication, or by virtue of some imagined checklist one might have for a perfect mate that excludes someone prematurely.

If you took the time to really get to know someone, and let them reveal themselves to you, you'd be surprised just how often -- even despite perhaps less than stellar first impressions -- there's a very worthwhile person in there. I believe if you keep yourself open to the bountiful variety that people possess, that finding a lifelong mate -- one you may even sometime declare "perfect" for you (however much of a misnomer I would still consider that term) -- is not an impossible feat (or even unlikely).

There's much more to say (especially on pessimism and such and the doors it closes or blinds you to), as belying this seemingly innocuous little hypothetical is a topic of impressive depth, but I'll hold my tongue (or fingers, as it were) for now. 😀 I hope I've stayed close enough to topic that this entry isn't considered "hijacking".

Best to all.

 

[lk70]

(though some sort of detailed checklist, I guess, was the request of this thread, originally)?

No, not necessarily. I was looking for "descriptions" of the "person you are meant to be with." In point of fact, I never asked for a checklist, nor was I asking about the "perfect" person. I'm not sure who first used that term, but it certainly turned the thread that way. But that's ok because I think that's pretty telling in itself, no? And for that matter, I really enjoyed the lists- couldn't help but comparing myself to one or two of them 🙄

Clearly I posted the thread because I've been doing my own thinking- and trying to imagine a "perfect" person couldn't have been farther from my mind. Rather it was more of a...need maybe? What type of person, despite what you attract, despite what you think you should have, despite what you even think you want...what kind of person do you need to satisify (no, not satisfy..satisfaction is the death of desire, after all) to complement who you are on your deepest level?

Your words on language and perceptions are well taken, as are your points on monogamy and serial monogamy. I'd go out on a limb and toss in bella and lindy's points about polyamory too, if the parties involved can make it work.

I hope I've stayed close enough to topic that this entry isn't considered "hijacking".

Certainly not. This is just what the thread author was hoping for!

Thank you again.

 

[Capnmad]

No, not necessarily. I was looking for "descriptions" of the "person you are meant to be with." In point of fact, I never asked for a checklist, nor was I asking about the "perfect" person. I'm not sure who first used that term, but it certainly turned the thread that way. But that's ok because I think that's pretty telling in itself, no?

True enough. And, yes -- I hadn't meant to suggest that you were asking about a "perfect" mate -- your question was well stated and did well to avoid such absolutes... Just trying to redirect after some had brought up the "perfect mate" mindset... Most who mentioned it (only a few, on second glance) pretty much dismissed the notion as unrealistic, but I also needed to dismiss the notion of "settling". And really, I think my thoughts are actually very common -- in every worthwhile relationship, people are going to struggle and work to keep it when faced with adversity, and hopefully, they grow from the struggle for understanding. It's just that people are often used to talk of "settling", they get in a rut linguistically (and that, unfortunately, can affect their perceptions).

Clearly I posted the thread because I've been doing my own thinking- and trying to imagine a "perfect" person couldn't have been farther from my mind. Rather it was more of a...need maybe? What type of person, despite what you attract, despite what you think you should have, despite what you even think you want...what kind of person do you need to satisify (no, not satisfy..satisfaction is the death of desire, after all) to complement who you are on your deepest level?

Well articulated. Now tell us... When do we get to hear your answer, or by being the thread originator, do you claim immunity from answering your own question? 😀

 

[Mz Chaos]

Empty Chair.
Myriads

Same as Myriads, the chair is empty.

What chair??? You guys got chairs???
Damn! Maybe that's where I went wrong!
*grunts as she moves the toilet back into the bathroom*

 

[lk70]

Now tell us... When do we get to hear your answer, or by being the thread originator, do you claim immunity from answering your own question? 😀

I do, in fact, claim immunity from answering my own question, publicly anyway. 😀

 

[ticklingfeet4fu]

Here's my story, sad but true
It's about a girl that I once knew
She took my love then ran around
With every single guy in town
Ah, I should have known it from the very start
This girl will leave me with a broken heart
Now listen people what I'm telling you
A-keep away from-a Runaround Sue

I miss her lips and the smile on her face
The touch of her hair and this girl's warm embrace
So if you don't wanna cry like I do
A-keep away from-a Runaround Sue

Ah, she likes to travel around
She'll love you but she'll put you down
Now people let me put you wise
Sue goes out with other guys
Here's the moral and the story from the guy who knows
I fell in love and my love still grows
Ask any fool that she ever knew, they'll say
Keep away from-a Runaround Sue

She likes to travel around
She'll love you but she'll put you down
Now people let me put you wise
Sue goes out with other guys
Here's the moral and the story from the guy who knows
I fell in love and my love still grows
Ask any fool that she ever knew, they'll say
Keep away from-a Runaround Sue

Now that sounds like it would make a GREAT song. Would you hum a few bars for us Dan???