Effective Writing

[Biggles of 266]

Hi everyone,
I had to write this for a class at university and I thought it couldn't hurt to get some feedback. Please tell me if it's any good and be especially vicious about possible changes.





It’s all about the fear. Not quite the full-blooded terror of a hunted man, but more than the nervous flutter of a missed step. This is the sort of fear that thumps deep inside and pounds through your chest.

This kind of fear stalks a certain age group. Young men cringe and fall helpless in the face of it. Absolute panic, when your lungs freeze, your heart thumps, your mouth dries and you feel your face burning.

You try and tell yourself it doesn’t matter, it isn’t important, nothing hinges on this moment, this is not a test of your worth as a person, this is definitely not a test of your worth as a person, this is NOT a test of your worth as a person!

The abyss draws closer and you can’t stop the gradual slide into your terrifying destiny. The body frantically tries to pull away, curl up and hide, curl up and die, but the mind, that tiny smug portion of your mind is enjoying the spectacle in the manner of motorists at a car-wreck. It’s that tiny part that you have no control over, the reflex that makes you tear up pictures of kittens in ballet costumes. The harder your body fights, the more you are forced towards the inevitable.

One foot is placed in front of the other as the helpless portion of your brain screams and abuses and pleads to be taken home, anything rather than do that! That stubborn piece inside your head keeps pushing you on like a cruel cattle-driver. The hands you feel drumming nervously on your thighs are yours! That’s your breath you hear rushing in and out, in time with your heart beating furiously against your lungs and choking you to death!

By now all normalcy had vanished and all pretences of calm have disappeared from your shaking body. This once proud person has been reduced to smoking rubble by forces unknown, something dangerous and powerful… Oh god, here she comes! “Katie, hi…”

 

[Haltickling]

I'm only a hobby writer, but I think it's quite good. Personally, I'd add some describing adjectives:

... of a missed step in the pitch-black dark.

... your lungs freeze to arctic temperatures, you heart thumps like an overheated compressor...

... one fearfully trembling foot is put in front of the other...

Y'know what I'm driving at? 🙂 But of course, it's mainly a matter of personal style. If this is not your own real style, it'll sound as if speaking a new foreign language... 😉

Anyway, I like the building tension to the final clue! Perfect! 😎

 

[Dave2112]

I think this is very good. I could hear a sort of narrative in my head similar to Michael Douglas' in Wonder Boys, kind of offbeat and aloof. Perhaps a little simile-heavy, but if that's your style, go with it...there's really no right or wrong with personal creativity.

Let me know how things go.😎

 

[Strelnikov]

Vicious, you say? IT SUCKS LIKE AN ELECTROLUX!!!

Seriously... It's very good. Good choice of words and images. The tension builds from start to finish, as it should. Is this for a creative writing course?

Strelnikov

 

[Biggles of 266]

thanks a lot everyone! I'm gonna take all this stuff into account and make the suitable changes tomorrow.

Strel: it's part of my journalism major, the class is called Effective Writing.

I've got another story for the same class, but a different subject and genre, can I post it too?

 

[qjakal]

School...sigh

Just out of curiousity, is there an "Ineffective Writing 101 Class" as well..lol? My only point of discussion would revolve around the concept of the piece...the term effective is an interesting choice, in that it implies the objective of the exercise is to convey information in a concise manner with a minimum of imagery, which obviously you haven't accomplished. That being said, I enjoyed the style of the essay very much.... Q

 

[Biggles of 266]

Q: There is no Ineffective Writing as yet, but I shall campaign for one to be introduced! I see your point about being concise, but the actual criteria for this piece of assessment is to be creative ("to engage with creativity" I believe it actually says) so I'm on the right track so far.



Effective Writing 1101ART

Negligent Negligee

Victoria’s Secret sued by Young Males of America

In a case set to decide precedent for generations to come, a corporation has been engaged in a class action by an entire gender. The well-known female lingerie and underwear manufacturer, Victoria’s Secret, is being sued for gross criminal negligence as a result of failing to display warning labels on its nationally circulated catalogues. The young males of America allege that prolonged exposure to Victoria’s Secret catalogues coupled with solitary habitation can lead to Repetitive Strain Injury (RSI) or even permanent blindness.

The catalogue is noted for its scantily clad models and nation wide delivery. Lawyers for the Young Males of America (YMA) have made a public announcement:
Anything that has the potential to cause harm must be fully labelled, and the public warned. This catalogue, with its temptations and sirens, is the serpent calling to Adam. If it cannot be banned, it must be released to a more cautious audience. Adequate warnings placed on the covers of all lewd publications will see an end to this shameful state of affairs, resulting in no more unfortunate maiming of our young men.

A spokesperson for Victoria’s Secret has defended the catalogues, saying, “Any injuries which may result from our product, however tragic, occur entirely at the hands of self-abuse. Victoria’s Secret is the victim of scape goating. We stand by our quality products, and our catalogue is second to none”.

Families of the victims have hit back with claims of hairy palms, recently found on some of the more advanced sufferers of Lingerie Catalogue Strain (LCT). This has left the company apparently unmoved. Joseph Rosa, one of the first victims to speak out against Victoria’s Secret and the unofficial spokesperson of the YMA said, “you have to understand, we’re the victims here. We used to be the healthy young males of America. Now this, an entire generation crippled and maimed through no fault of our own. We’re here to fight the good fight, and win a just victory for bored and blind teenagers everywhere!” Added Rosa, “If there’s anyone there, can you pass me the tissues?”

 

[Strelnikov]

Q, you're talking tech-manual stuff. Rudyard Kipling was seldom concise, but his writing was effective. He had a way of capturing essential truth that few modern poets can equal. Of course, he was writing for an educated popular audience, and not (as now) for critics and fellow English professors.

Of course, many writers of tech manuals are wizards at ineffective writing. Some no doubt "tested out" of IW 101, judging from the results I've seen.

Good one, Biggles. Don't think it couldn't happen in this lawsuit-happy country.

Strelnikov

 

[qjakal]

"red" Strel!

First, congratulations Strel...you made 1000 posts...lucky for you they didn't say "1000 fairly ungrumpy posts" or you'd still be a novice😉 As for the tech manual commentary, I couldn't find fault otherwise, and the gent seemed to be searching hard for the criticism that would drive him to greater glory....I faked it,lol..🙄 Q

 

[Strelnikov]

Scene from my childhood:

Sweet Old Lady: "What do you want to be when you grow up, little Strel?"
Me, age 5: "Grrr! I wanna be a CURMUDGEON!"

I'm happy to say that I've achieved my life's ambition.

Strelnikov

 

[Biggles of 266]

Anybody besides Strel got anything to add about the second story? Is it perfect? 😀

I've written my third and final one, but I'm afraid it won't make a large amount of sense to anyone but Gold Coast residents. It's quite unfinished, but maybe some of the literary folk on the forum will recognise what I'm trying to do. It's the stream of consciousness that goes through my head as I drive home along the highway, interrupted by the signs announcing the exits. Each sign stirs a memory and that in turn stirs another, etc... I've gotta email it to whoever wants it, coz it'll take me too long to dick around with the font sizes on the forum. Thanks,

Biggles

 

[evilqueen]

Okay. 🙂

You need to set up the YMA a little better. You refer to it in the headline, but we don't learn it's an organization till the second paragraph - which is kind of cheating since you use the phrase lower case in the first paragraph.

For reportage purposes, I think your tone is a little too sympathetic towards the YMA. You refer to the claimants as victims, as if their case against Victoria's Secret has already been won. I think you mean they are victims of LCT, but it's not clear from your article. Take another look and make sure you're being fair to both sides.

That's it. Everything else looks okay. It's a funny bit, Biggles. Another good job. Send me your doc and I'll take a look (and tell me how quickly you need feedback - I'm kinda busy today). If it's too Aussie for me to understand, I'll let ya know.

BTW, for great newspaper satire, may I suggest theonion.com. Funny stuff....

Best wishes,
eq

 

[Biggles of 266]

thanks EQ, the onion is where I got the inspiration for that article. I'll look at your suggested changes tonight when I write. Whenever you can get back to me is fine, I already owe you for your help so far! Thanks again,
Biggles