For Those Who Don't Want To Get Married

[Skipadeedoodah]

The slew of seemingly anti-marriage threads (okay so I saw like two...still...) got me thinking. I was surprised at the amount of people in them who say they never want to get married. I guess I always assumed that marriage was just a natural step that everyone, or most people took in life. Seeing so many people who think differently, I came up with a few questions, if you don't mind 🙂

Would you be opposed to a long-term, commited relationship where you live together and share your lives as if you were married, without going through the actual legal steps?

How do you know that in 5 or 10 or 20 years you won't find someone and change your mind?

What do you think about people who do want to get married and expect it to be a very fulfilling part of their lives?

Do you want children? If so, how do you plan to go about that (assuming you said no to the whole long-term relationship, share your life thing)?

 

[rivers12]

I think I would be willing to get married only under the condition of a pre-nup. To me a marriage is like dating, but with liabilities of your assets. If you're just dating there is no loss of possessions come breakup. If you are married and don't sign a pre-nup (I consider a pre-nup as the equivalence of a Limited Liability Contract because you lose less during a divorce) you are liable to lose over half your shit.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

I think I would be willing to get married only under the condition of a pre-nup. To me a marriage is like dating, but with liabilities of your assets. If you're just dating there is no loss of possessions come breakup. If you are married and don't sign a pre-nup (I consider a pre-nup as the equivalence of a Limited Liability Contract because you lose less during a divorce) you are liable to lose over half your shit.

Can you see yourself entering into a serious relationship with someone who is the type of person to take half your shit if you were to get divorced? I mean, obviously you don't marry someone thinking they're an asshole, but for me personally, I couldn't marry someone if I was wondering the whole time if they were gonna put the screws to me in the end.

 

[rivers12]

Can you see yourself entering into a serious relationship with someone who is the type of person to take half your shit if you were to get divorced? I mean, obviously you don't marry someone thinking they're an asshole, but for me personally, I couldn't marry someone if I was wondering the whole time if they were gonna put the screws to me in the end.

Marriage is just such a legal risk now that how can you not wonder what you stand to lose if it don't work out. Granted, you don't go into it thinking it will end, but I'm sure it crosses a person's mind when they weight the pros and cons before popping the question.

Believe me, I almost got engaged when I was 22. The girl and me were going great, the relationship seemed like it would go on like that forever and she even told me she would marry me if I asked through hints pertaining to our future together. That and her mother told me that she had mentioned to her that she saw us getting married, and kept trying to encourage me to ask her daugher to marry me. If I had more money at the time I foolishly would've popped the question and am I ever glad that it didn't happen. A while later everything that was getting better and better suddenly started going down the crapshoot. At that moment I realized that that must be how it feels when you first get married, like it is never gonna end and this relationship is gonna be great forever and blah blah blah, but no matter how great it may seem, I learned how drastically it can change. If you're already married when that downward spiral begins it is already too late.

The thing is, when you fall in love you fall in love with that person for who they are at that time. Whether we want to or not, we all change in interests, emotions and other aspects of life. When you get married you have to realize that the peron you are in love with now may not even resemble that person in 5, 10, or 20 years and you're feelings are probably going to change over that time as well.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

Marriage is just such a legal risk now that how can you not wonder what you stand to lose if it don't work out. Granted, you don't go into it thinking it will end, but I'm sure it crosses a person's mind when they weight the pros and cons before popping the question.

Believe me, I almost got engaged when I was 22. The girl and me were going great, the relationship seemed like it would go on like that forever and she even told me she would marry me if I asked through hints pertaining to our future together. That and her mother told me that she had mentioned to her that she saw us getting married, and kept trying to encourage me to ask her daugher to marry me. If I had more money at the time I foolishly would've popped the question and am I ever glad that it didn't happen. A while later everything that was getting better and better suddenly started going down the crapshoot. At that moment I realized that that must be how it feels when you first get married, like it is never gonna end and this relationship is gonna be great forever and blah blah blah, but no matter how great it may seem, I learned how drastically it can change. If you're already married when that downward spiral begins it is already too late.

I understand what you're saying, and it makes sense. I guess what I mean is that if I'm debating whether or not I want to marry someone, of course you can't know if it's going to last forever, even if that's the plan. What I mean is, if I'm wondering whether or not the person is going to fuck me over if we were to break up, that's not a person I want to marry.

Perhaps I'm naive in expecting that I'll be able to know for sure that someone wouldn't do that, but it seems to me that I wouldn't marry them otherwise.

I was engaged at 21, and even though the relationship ultimately ended, I never had a worry that he was going to be unfair or selfish when it came time to divide the things we had acquired together during our 6 year relationship. If we had gotten married and subsequently divorced, the idea that he would have taken what was rightfully mine would never have crossed my mind. He's a good, honest person. If he had been the type to do that, I don't think we would have been together as long or in as serious of a relationship as we were.

 

[Bohemianne]

Would you be opposed to a long-term, commited relationship where you live together and share your lives as if you were married, without going through the actual legal steps?

Yes. It would be unfair for kids, if there are any.

How do you know that in 5 or 10 or 20 years you won't find someone and change your mind?



What do you think about people who do want to get married and expect it to be a very fulfilling part of their lives?

It is their choice. It is worth it even if there are bad times.

Do you want children? If so, how do you plan to go about that (assuming you said no to the whole long-term relationship, share your life thing)?

I have one. It is part of everything now and I can't imagine what it's like without one.

 

[rivers12]

Also, you don't think they will take half your shit if you get divorced, but funny how a divorce can sour a person up and a good lawyer will make sure that a person's assets are divided up.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

Also, you don't think they will take half your shit if you get divorced, but funny how a divorce can sour a person up and a good lawyer will make sure that a person's assets are divided up.

I understand what you mean. The situation you describe is probably far more common than the one I describe. It's an understandable reason to second guess marriage.

 

[rivers12]

Would you be opposed to a long-term, commited relationship where you live together and share your lives as if you were married, without going through the actual legal steps?

Yes. It would be unfair for kids, if there are any.

How do you know that in 5 or 10 or 20 years you won't find someone and change your mind?



What do you think about people who do want to get married and expect it to be a very fulfilling part of their lives?

It is their choice. It is worth it even if there are bad times.

Do you want children? If so, how do you plan to go about that (assuming you said no to the whole long-term relationship, share your life thing)?

I have one. It is part of everything now and I can't imagine what it's like without one.

To answer that, I believe if you have kids you should get married. I mainly mean if you don't have kids and don't want kids that it is debatable on whether or not getting married is worth it.

Also, for those who want to get married that is great. I hope it works out because I see how divorces ruin lives. I don't know if I could change my mind some day either. I am 27 now and I think that when I'm 40 I would probably see myself getting married because chances are if you get married at that age it is something that you're more likely to be in for the long haul. You're not getting any younger at that point and the older you get the scarier it is to be entirely alone.

 

[Bohemianne]

To answer that, I believe if you have kids you should get married. I mainly mean if you don't have kids and don't want kids that it is debatable on whether or not getting married is worth it.

LOL. I go for the classic thing. I marry for love, friendship, good genes, education and values.

Even if I have the kid and none of the above qualifies the man, then I won't marry.

 

[rivers12]

I understand what you mean. The situation you describe is probably far more common than the one I describe. It's an understandable reason to second guess marriage.

I don't think that worrying about a divorce is the reason to fear marriage. I just think that since people live into our late 70's and 80's now on average, and that average is increasing thanks to the miracles of medicine, that you have to realize that if you get married at like 25 or 30 you are essentially committing to that one person for the next 40-50 years. I just don't know if that is something I can see myself doing. I do believe that as I get older I will want marriage, but I'm not even 30 yet and just don't see myself ready to settle down forever. I think the first thing you need to do is sit back and picture things you want to do as a single person and then see if you would be happy getting married and knowing that you probably won't get to do many of those things once your settled because it becomes a partnership of finances and everything else.

I remember you saying your 24 or 25. Think about this: What if in 2 years you wake up and decide you want to move to England, or Hawaii, or somewhere else for a while just for the experience. You aren't gonna be doing that when you're married, settled into a home and have kids. These are all critical things you need to consider. I think that making sure you are done with everything (sowed all your wild oats) first that you could probably only accomplish while single is a necessity before entering a marriage. Too many people marry young and then feel trapped forever and want out because of these very reasons.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

I think the first thing you need to do is sit back and picture things you want to do as a single person and then see if you would be happy getting married and knowing that you probably won't get to do many of those things once your settled because it becomes a partnership of finances and everything else.

I remember you saying your 24 or 25. Think about this: What if in 2 years you wake up and decide you want to move to England, or Hawaii, or somewhere else for a while just for the experience. You aren't gonna be doing that when you're married, settled into a home and have kids. These are all critical things you need to consider. I think that making sure you are done with everything (sowed all your wild oats) first that you could probably only accomplish while single is a necessity before entering a marriage. Too many people marry young and then feel trapped forever and want out because of these very reasons.

I think you're very right. One of the things I learned by coming so close to marriage at such a young age is that it's something I can wait for. I definitely want to get married and have a family, but if it's 5 or 10 years down the road, I can wait. I am still learning who I am and growing as a person all by myself. I'm enjoying worrying about myself and doing my own thing, and not having to deal with any of the obligations and expectations that a serious relationship comes with. Eventually I'll be happy to go through it all, but I'm not in any big hurry.

I'm more asking these questions of the people who said in the other threads that they never plan on getting married (or getting married again). People who are young and want to wait until they're ready to settle down aren't exactly my target audience. But of course, all opinions are welcome 🙂

 

[rivers12]

I think you're very right. One of the things I learned by coming so close to marriage at such a young age is that it's something I can wait for. I definitely want to get married and have a family, but if it's 5 or 10 years down the road, I can wait. I am still learning who I am and growing as a person all by myself. I'm enjoying worrying about myself and doing my own thing, and not having to deal with any of the obligations and expectations that a serious relationship comes with. Eventually I'll be happy to go through it all, but I'm not in any big hurry.

I'm more asking these questions of the people who said in the other threads that they never plan on getting married (or getting married again). People who are young and want to wait until they're ready to settle down aren't exactly my target audience. But of course, all opinions are welcome 🙂

People are very different from what they were at our age back 25 + years ago. Back then 22 wasn't considered a "kid" really and you were expected to be out on your own and supporting yourself if you weren't in college. Today, the entire decade of 20's is completely different. It is a very awkward time in your life where you are searching for meaning and going through many, many different stages and constantly trying to find what works. Eventually you mature and realize what you liked at 21 is not what you like at 26. I finally outgrew the "go out and get hammered" stage around 26 and started thinking about what I want for the future. At that point I decided to return to college full-time. Had I gotten into a serious relationship and gotten engaged, bought a house, or various other major moves in my early 20's I wouldn't have been able to go back to college and focus on finishing and getting a career job.

Life may be short, but the rest of your life is still a long time and you're 20's are still so young that it's crazy to settle down if you are still finding yourself.

 

[Brock Samson]

Well, for now, my mind is not set for marriage. I'm just not the marrying type right now. But, as you say, time may change that, as time does change many things. Five or ten years down the road, I might do a complete 180 and be looking for someone to settle down with. Even now, if the right person came along, I would toss aside my 'lone hero' status to become a dynamic duo! (Holy Honeymooners, Batman!)

 

[rivers12]

Well, for now, my mind is not set for marriage. I'm just not the marrying type right now. But, as you say, time may change that, as time does change many things. Five or ten years down the road, I might do a complete 180 and be looking for someone to settle down with. Even now, if the right person came along, I would toss aside my 'lone hero' status to become a dynamic duo! (Holy Honeymooners, Batman!)

Dude, I totally know how you feel. When you're younger it's not that bad to be single cuz you have your friends and other things to occupy your time. I'm scared to death though of being 50 years old one day and being totally alone, nobody to go out to eat with, to go on trips with, to talk to after work, ect. It's not scary now, but I'm scared to death of being like this in another 20 years when I'm settled in life and don't want to be completely alone.

 

[myth77]

The slew of seemingly anti-marriage threads (okay so I saw like two...still...) got me thinking. I was surprised at the amount of people in them who say they never want to get married. I guess I always assumed that marriage was just a natural step that everyone, or most people took in life. Seeing so many people who think differently, I came up with a few questions, if you don't mind 🙂

Would you be opposed to a long-term, commited relationship where you live together and share your lives as if you were married, without going through the actual legal steps?

How do you know that in 5 or 10 or 20 years you won't find someone and change your mind?

What do you think about people who do want to get married and expect it to be a very fulfilling part of their lives?

Do you want children? If so, how do you plan to go about that (assuming you said no to the whole long-term relationship, share your life thing)?

Good questions Miss 🙂.

I am not opposed to a long term relationship, but I am, at this time, opposed to marriage. I'm not opposed to marriage just because I was in a very bad one, I just don't believe in a legal ceremony binding two people together as a way to make a relationship seem more permanent. I don't know how I feel about living together with someone. That's basically the same thing as a marriage. I think it's better for some couples to live apart, but you never really get to know someone unless you live with them. Living with someone is not something I wish to do, because I already have for a 10 year period of time. I am appreciating the solitude.

I don't know if I will find someone that would change my mind. I will keep an open mind, but for now I will say marriage is not on the menu, neither is moving in with someone. Only time will tell.

I think people who expect marriage to be a fulfilling part of their lives are sweet 🙂. Perhaps naive . Most people tend to look for fulfillment outside of themselves, so I will say that it won't be a fulfilling experience until you are really fulfilled in your own self, and able to make yourself happy as opposed to wanting happiness to come from someone else.

I do have children, so none of my relationship motivations have anything to do with the desire to have kids. That may also be a reason why I don't have any desire to re-marry...I would prefer not to bring anyone into their lives yet. I don't know if I want more children. I am very happy with what I've been blessed with. If however, I somehow become involved with someone, and it becomes a long term relationship, then the issues of what the other person wants in terms of kids and/or a possible marriage will be discussed (having kids does not mean you have to marry, or live together for that matter). I'm not out for self, and the other person's desires are important to me. But as for right now, I have been there and done that, so I'm not in any rush to re-marry, have more children, or co-habitate.

 

[desdemona]

Would you be opposed to a long-term, commited relationship where you live together and share your lives as if you were married, without going through the actual legal steps?

Not at all. I could find comfort in having a close companionship with a kindred soul.

How do you know that in 5 or 10 or 20 years you won't find someone and change your mind?

Because I've known what I wanted since a very early age and haven't wavered from that path.

What do you think about people who do want to get married and expect it to be a very fulfilling part of their lives?

I admire them. However, I expect the same respect to be shown for my choice. There's nothing I hate more than people passing judgments like "everyone expects you to get married." That's a heterosexual assumption of stereotypical male/female roles and I resent it. Obviously, as a woman over 30 years old who hasn't gotten married, I'm a lesbian, a man hater, or both. Yeah, right. Bite me.

Do you want children? If so, how do you plan to go about that (assuming you said no to the whole long-term relationship, share your life thing)?

Nope. I only have/want the furry kind. I'm an aunt and I'm just fine with that - I can send them home with their parents. I wouldn't mind being a godparent on behalf of my sister or half brothers. But as I've remained single and none of them look like more offspring are imminent, chances are slim.

 

[BellaRisa]

What do you think about people who do want to get married and expect it to be a very fulfilling part of their lives?

Not to be a pain, but this question befuddled me; why would a person get married if they didn't expect it to be a fulfilling part of life? 😕

(I'm sure I'm just not getting what you meant 🙂 )

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

Not to be a pain, but this question befuddled me; why would a person get married if they didn't expect it to be a fulfilling part of life? 😕

(I'm sure I'm just not getting what you meant 🙂 )

I imagine some people get married just because their partner wants to/they get pregnant/it seems like the natural next step. They could take it or leave it.

I'm talking about people who feel that marriage is something that they likely will not be happy without, because they expect it to be an amazing and beautiful relationship, and something that will make their lives more enjoyable. The exact opposite of the people I'm directing the post at.

I ask because it seems, like Deb said, that alot of people who don't want to ever get married are judged by people who do or are already very happily married to be bitter or selfish. I'm curious to see if it works the other way around, that people who do not want to get married judge people who do want it and expect it to enhance their lives to be naive or idealistic.

Make sense?

 

[BellaRisa]

I imagine some people get married just because their partner wants to/they get pregnant/it seems like the natural next step. They could take it or leave it.

I'm talking about people who feel that marriage is something that they likely will not be happy without, because they expect it to be an amazing and beautiful relationship, and something that will make their lives more enjoyable. The exact opposite of the people I'm directing the post at.

I ask because it seems, like Deb said, that alot of people who don't want to ever get married are judged by people who do or are already very happily married to be bitter or selfish. I'm curious to see if it works the other way around, that people who do not want to get married judge people who do want it and expect it to enhance their lives to be naive or idealistic.

Make sense?

Yup, thank you!

(I would think that even the ones who get married just because their partner wants to/they get pregnant/it seems like the natural next step still expect to get some degree of positive life-enhancement out of it, for themselves and for their children if that's why they married, but I see what you mean 🙂 )

I've experienced a bit of what you wrote regarding anti-marriage types, especially when I was first married, with some people being kinda negative and thinking we were too idealistic and didn't know what we were getting into, we wouldn't last because marriage is doomed to failure, yadda dadda doom and gloom. I'm, um, glad we didn't listen 😉

I can absolutely understand the sentiment that expecting marriage to be totally fulfilling is naive, but expecting it to be a fulfilling *part* of life, along with many other elements both inside and outside ourselves, doesn't make one naive, does it?

 

[venray]

The first time I got married I did so because it seemed the next logical step in my relationship at that time..

It ended in divorce ( a friendly one) after 16 years...

The second time I got married it was because I could not see myself ever being without Tracy and I wanted to show her that I was willing to do anything to prove to her that she was the one person i wanted to be with for the rest of my life....

I still feel the same way after 11 years, and always will...

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

I've experienced a bit of what you wrote regarding anti-marriage types, especially when I was first married, with some people being kinda negative and thinking we were too idealistic and didn't know what we were getting into, we wouldn't last because marriage is doomed to failure, yadda dadda doom and gloom. I'm, um, glad we didn't listen 😉

When Michael and I got engaged, alot of people (not family or close friends - acquaintances/strangers mostly) would roll their eyes and tell us not to bother. When we talked about planning our wedding, they would tell us it wasn't worth it - that we should just elope and save the money because it's over in a day and blah blah blah. While I understood that they weren't trying to be disrespectful, it was very frustrating. We were a young couple excited about spending the rest of our lives together, and these people were just crapping all over it. I don't know if they were unhappily married, not married, happily married or just miserable people - I didn't ask - but I thought that was kinda shitty.

I can absolutely understand the sentiment that expecting marriage to be totally fulfilling is naive, but expecting it to be a fulfilling *part* of life, along with many other elements both inside and outside ourselves, doesn't make one naive, does it?

Nope. We agree completely, here. 🙂

 

[BellaRisa]

When Michael and I got engaged, alot of people (not family or close friends - acquaintances/strangers mostly) would roll their eyes and tell us not to bother. When we talked about planning our wedding, they would tell us it wasn't worth it - that we should just elope and save the money because it's over in a day and blah blah blah. While I understood that they weren't trying to be disrespectful, it was very frustrating. We were a young couple excited about spending the rest of our lives together, and these people were just crapping all over it. I don't know if they were unhappily married, not married, happily married or just miserable people - I didn't ask - but I thought that was kinda shitty.

People love to stomp on happiness, you get similar horror stories when you decide to have babies The only thing I'd remotely agree with is the $$ spent on the wedding; if you or your parents are filthy rich by all means go for the Trump Wedding, but if you're young and broke I do think it's uncool to go into your new marriage in hock up to your eyeballs from the ceremony costs. We had a very inexpensive kinda small wedding, outdoors in VT by a waterfall, with a pool party for the reception; 17 yrs later guests still talk about how much fun we all had 😎

 

[rivers12]

People love to stomp on happiness, you get similar horror stories when you decide to have babies The only thing I'd remotely agree with is the $$ spent on the wedding; if you or your parents are filthy rich by all means go for the Trump Wedding, but if you're young and broke I do think it's uncool to go into your new marriage in hock up to your eyeballs from the ceremony costs. We had a very inexpensive kinda small wedding, outdoors in VT by a waterfall, with a pool party for the reception; 17 yrs later guests still talk about how much fun we all had 😎

LOL, people Definitely love to stomp on happiness, hence the saying "misery loves company." Single guys more often than not will give their friends intentionally bad relationship advice (and I've seen this so many times and it's happened to me as well) because if they are single they damn well want the other guys to be single too so that they don't feel like the loser of the bunch. Girls do the same exact thing. When I first started dating my ex she had just gotten out of a really bad relationship and suddenly she had this flock of miserable friends hanging out with her because they were single and hated their lives. When me and her hooked up they tried to talk her out of it, and as soon as we were officially a couple those girl stopped bothering with her and then began spreading rumors. My single guy friends would try to make rumors up about my personal business as well in a pathetic attempt to make me hate having a gf and go back to being single so that I can get hammered with them on the weekends.

 

[Knox The Hatter]

When Michael and I got engaged, alot of people (not family or close friends - acquaintances/strangers mostly) would roll their eyes and tell us not to bother. When we talked about planning our wedding, they would tell us it wasn't worth it - that we should just elope and save the money because it's over in a day and blah blah blah. While I understood that they weren't trying to be disrespectful, it was very frustrating. We were a young couple excited about spending the rest of our lives together, and these people were just crapping all over it. I don't know if they were unhappily married, not married, happily married or just miserable people - I didn't ask - but I thought that was kinda shitty.

What kind of a miserable son of a bitch would come up and say things like that, to anybody? I wouldn't want anyone like that in my life!

I notice that when people are young, many of them have a tendency to get married because it's the thing to do- our society seems to dictate that you settle down in your twenties and get married, and be fruitful and multiply. And, like lemmings...

Almost happened to me, at 20. Luckily, I waited till I was 39. This marriage was not going to be a youthful dalliance.

Some people should be married. Some shouldn't. However, in American society, marriage is a form of currency, whether we like it, or not. Sucks, but that's the way it is.