Pisces ~ February 19 - March 20
Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.
Gemini ~ May 21 - June 21
Like Charles Perrault's Sleeping Beauty, you will awake from a 100-year sleep when you are kissed by a prince, but not before you are molested and raped by hundreds of other princes first.
Leo ~ July 23 - August 22
Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.
Virgo ~ August 23 - September 22
Your brand-new goose-down jacket will be damaged beyond repair this week when you're shot 11 times in the chest.
Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.
Gemini ~ May 21 - June 21
Like Charles Perrault's Sleeping Beauty, you will awake from a 100-year sleep when you are kissed by a prince, but not before you are molested and raped by hundreds of other princes first.
Leo ~ July 23 - August 22
Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.
Virgo ~ August 23 - September 22
Your brand-new goose-down jacket will be damaged beyond repair this week when you're shot 11 times in the chest.
