Tom Tickle
TMF Master
- Joined
- May 12, 2006
- Messages
- 667
- Points
- 0
Nina leaves, somewhat perturbed. We next welcome Barbara, the tall Amazonian bombshell with truly enormous breasts, some 38GG or so. Along with her height of just over six feet, they give her an intimidating and statuesque appearance. She’s one striking woman. She’s dressed in tight dark jeans and a grey sweater that is quite taught over her eye-arresting chest, with her grape-sized nipples making small impressions under the fabric. My blatant interest in these features hasn’t gone unnoticed, and she eyes me a little warily, and gives a gentle cough, just to clear her throat, she says, before managing a pleasant smile and reclining a little into the couch. She wipes a flick of dark brown hair from her forehead, and looks at me with her fascinating blue-green eyes, tugging her bottom lip a little with her teeth, and then resuming her usual pout.
So, first of all, what’s your favourite meal you like to cook?
Firstly, I see that you’re a breast man, hehemm… it’s alright. I’m pretty used to it. So… I suppose Nina told you she hardly cooks, which leaves Lucy and myself with that job. No, I quite enjoy messing about in the kitchen, although I don’t like people getting under my feet. Three girls, each cooking something different doesn’t work, so Lucy and I just take turns to be chef. I’m quite good at giving orders, y’know.
I can believe that! If you’re out with friends, and want a quick bite to eat, where would you go?
Never somewhere that expensive, but then I’m not a fan of Maccy D’s, either.
What is your favourite type of take-away food, and what do you order?
It has to be Thai or Indian food. I’m always happy if we get Indian, which is what some guys have trouble understanding. They get the impression that I would look down on them if they just wanted a curry at home, when in fact I eat good Indian food anywhere.
Anything in particular?
Curry? Something with a kick, which can put any guys with me in an awkward position. There are lots of butch men who try to impress me by ordering a hotter curry than me, but if you don’t like hot food, I can always tell, guys! As long as I can go home and relax. Spicy food and a long night do not mix.
Enough of your bowel habits! What’s your favourite kind of restaurant for a special occasion?
haha... thanks! Again, you can’t go wrong… oh that sounds like an old man… but, really, a good Indian restaurant is pretty much there. I like Thai food almost as much, and there are some gorgeous Thai restaurants.
What drink do you order from the bar?
I’m not a real drinker or anything, but I’ll have a glass of wine, or perhaps a rum or vodka with coke. It’s fairly rare though.
Out of Pubs, sports bars, vodka bars, wine bars, rock clubs or dance clubs, which would you ordinarily prefer?
I’m not a club person at all. You get all sorts of saddo’s in those places. Give me a nice pub with a good garden area. I’m sorry if I sound like an old woman but that’s what I like.
As a rule I tend to avoid places that go over-the–top with door staff. Half of those guys are ‘roiders, and how can you have a nice evening in a mini police state? The music is usually bowel-disrupting and the drink prices are through the roof. Lucy and Nina always ask me out for a quiet drink, but we end up outside some city centre chain club, surrounded by morons.
How often do you go socialising, or are you more content at home?
I’m fond of going out, but I don’t go out for the sake of going out, like a lot of girls my age. I’m a bit of a recluse sometimes (giggles charmingly).
How do you relax on a Sunday?
Perhaps I’ll read a book in the bath, then go for lunch somewhere nice, and then walk it off.
Describe a fun day out with friends or a date.
Generally what I like doing on my own but with an extra person. I really like going out to eat if I do go out. A nice meal and a few drinks are a good way to get to know people. I like to go to places where there’s very little noise, just so we can a decent conversation, although… if Lucy - and Dominic- are there it’s always going to be pretty noisy. I wouldn’t be very happy if a date wanted to go clubbing all the time. Some guys are so myopic when it comes to 'going out'.
Where is your ideal holiday destination?
I’d love to visit California, and maybe live there one day. There are plenty of us Brits out there already so another one won’t hurt! Perhaps when I’ve finished at Cambridge I could work over there as a marine biologist.
You couldn’t do that here in poor old Blighty?
Sorry, I don’t think this country is the place to be a Marine Biologist. It’s the relaxed culture and attitude of the Californians I like, and perhaps I wouldn’t get stared at so often, with so many aspiring actresses over there.
You’ll be working as a biologist… in a lab… with ‘nerds’… and they’ll go insane over your accent.Oh I suppose… (she laughs naughtily)
Out of a visit to a gallery, a museum, the theatre or cinema, which one appeals to you most?
Oh it’s probably a museum, although you should’ve seen Lucy’s face when we went to the Natural History museum. She just said, ‘that’s nice… that’s nice…’ at every exhibit. I think she’d set her heart on Glastonbury. I’m probably the same at art galleries though.
What was the last book you read?
I’m studying right now so it’s probably anything on my reading list. Something about Plankton.
Who is your favourite author?
Probably the same guy who is my favourite TV presenter, David Attenborough. Other than him there’s a whole range of science authors.
I'm not really into chick-lit.
What’s your take on Dickie Dawkins?
Oh Richard Dawkins! I’d prefer it if he just stuck to biology, rather than take on creationists all the time. It’s not as half as exciting as people make out. Some of his fans are nuts as well. I don’t care for the creationist point of view either, by the way. I have met him, and he seemed surprised that I was studying anything… he seemed distracted. I wanted to meet David Attenborough, but I got my dates mixed up, so I went all the way to Manchester for Richard Dawkins.
Most girls, sorry- women – your age wouldn’t go all that way to meet either Dawkins or David Attenborough.
Haha, a lot of them don’t know who either of them are, which is pretty sad. Still, I’ve worked with guys (she means both genders) who have no idea who Charles Dickens was!
That’s very sad… What newspapers, if any, do you read?
I barely have time to read them. They seem to be pretty pious, hypocritical or just garbage aimed at people who left school at nine.
What’s your favourite website (don’t be too honest here)?
What do you mean ‘too honest’? Well of course I’m going to say our website, although it needs updating.
What’s the last song you heard?
Some dance thing that Lucy was leaping around to.
Did you like it?
It wasn’t too bad. Quite funky.
What is your favourite recording artist/band?
Arctic Monkeys… I’m joking. I really don’t think there’s one, to be honest. Name someone?
Alanis Morrisette?
Okay… I have favourite tracks rather than artists…anything that’s a bit edgy, but sexy. None of the self-pitying stuff that Radiohead or The Smiths do… eugh! Pseud-magnets.
Pseud-magnets?
You know… people who want to be intellectuals… chin-strokers. People who just drone on about things they know nothing about as if they’re authorities on it. A few guys tend to do that as soon as they know I’m fond of intelligent men. It gets a little embarrassing when they’re trying to talk about how ‘amazing’ science is and clearly would rather talk about what they’d like to do to me. It doesn’t take long to suss them out.
What’s the last film you saw, (cinema/ rented/ TV/ bought/ download)?Liam Neeson pretending to be Zeus… The one with the Kraken… even though the Kraken is from Norse mythology… it was pants. An atrocious film. Lucy kept replaying the part where Liam Neeson says ‘Release the Kraken!’ She found it funny, but it just got on my tits…ahem. She’s like that some days.
What is your favourite film?
I really can’t think of just the one. I’m not a massive fan of films. They’re a diversion. All the ones I’ve seen lately have been terrible. I liked the new Batman film. Hold on, guys, I’m not a comic book fan… I just like The Dark Knight, so don’t have any ideas about me dressing up as anyone… although it might be fun (betrays a naughty smile).
Are you a gamer?
No, no. despite being a biology student and an avid reader, and liking Batman films… er, one Batman film, I’m not that much of a geek, not that I disapprove of gaming, just please don’t do it when I’m laying in your bed, imploring you with my eyes… especially if it’s World of bloody Warcraft.
You’re not saying that actually happened are you?
Well, it was a little bemusing, to see this thirty-something playing on this game and shouting aloud. I think he was talking to someone else. He didn’t notice me leave.
What is the last computer game you played?
I honestly can’t remember. It was something on the PC many moons ago. One of those quirky games… it was since I tried the online thing, but even then I kind of lost interest.
You tried online gaming?
Only as a little joke. It was at a male friend’s place. He wondered what the reaction of some others would be if they heard me. I put the headset on and had about six little turds spitting sexual abuse and their fantasies at me. I went into absolute hysterics. These guys just don’t get out much.
How much time in a day do you use the internet?
I use it fairly often, because of my course and I like popping on the site and stalking our members! No, I’ve had people PM me when they’ve seen I’m online. It’s pretty nice talking to them, although I’ve had to ban several for going a little nuts. A tip for anyone who wants to keep in contact; keep it fairly clean and try to imagine you’re talking to me face to face. I always keep in contact with the guys who are witty, civil but not too sycophantic and who know about using the caps lock key, or not using it, as is usually the case.
What is the best thing on TV at the moment?
I usually try and catch any new documentaries. I try to watch Stephen Hawking’s Universe, bless him, which is great for people who don’t have a great head for physics and things. I saw Cosmos by Carl Sagan recently. He was lovely as well. Sorry, I’m such a fangirl when it comes to guys like that.
How do they rank with David Attenborough?
Well that’s funny because Attenborough is to me what Sagan was to Physicists and Astronomers, but David is my number one.
Attenborough actually said one of his heroes was Richard Feynman, a physicist.
Feynman was a rascal (she bites on her bottom lip), but I don’t have much understanding of anything he said. Quantum Theory is nearly as difficult to understand as Lucy.
(the interview creases at this remark) That's brilliant! To think Poor Lucy is more puzzling than one of the strangest ideas in science! I love that...
So. You’re not a geek but you like Batman, science books and have a crush on Carl Sagan.
Okay… I am, although I’ve never been cast as one by my friends. I guess that’s the trick… if you look a… erm… certain way, you’re either just surprisingly smart or a geek. Lucy has a tendency to call me ‘Spock’... I think she’s a closet trekkie.
but, looking at her…
I know, but y’know… looking isn’t usually enough.
I bet you say that to all of those ‘geeks’.
Hmm, I said it to you.
Fair point. What was your favourite TV show growing up?
Probably Life on Earth, which was the epic Attenborough series in the eighties. I mean epic in the original sense, not the internet sense. I hate that shit.
Nina said you'd choose that, but suggested it was really something else…
What did she say then?
Sooty
( Babs gives us a burst of wonderful, undulating laughter) Well… that was when I was very little. I think everyone loves Sooty at some point…. What’s up?
Your laugh is really hot.
Alright… calm down. Don’t get all clammy.
Sorry. Do you think you’ll own a TV set in five years from now?
How do you mean?
The way technology is going may make the traditional TV set a relic.I’m not into gadgets… do you mean 3D things and Holograms? I’m not Arthur C. Clarke.
Did you ever notice that he had a proper ‘turkey wattle’ going on?(Barbara just lets out a snigger. I think she noticed).
You’re horrible!... hehehmm…
You like a man with a wibbling wattle, don’t you? A jowly, dewlapped face turns you on.
It rocks my world, you perv. I’d rather be interviewed by Arthur C. Clarke than you.
He’s dead.
I know, darling…(a sexy little giggle escapes) I’m joking.
Yes. Do you upload any media content of your own, and what kind of content is it?
I do a few things, a few extras for the fans… nothing like that!... just candid stuff of nights out, our life outside the official stuff, and a few podcasts with Lucy and maybe some other things.
Have you ever used a webcam to make a ‘talking head’ video?
I’ve used a webcam for a couple of live chats with fans, but some of them get a little excited so we limit it. Lucy just winds them up by doing this hilarious dance routine in the middle of a chat. She is pretty off-the-wall when it comes to that kind of thing.
Do you use any social networking sites?
No, I limit my activities to the website, which works better. I had a Facebook account but all of my bikini pics kept getting removed, which was insulting as they were private pictures anyway. I think they saw me as some sort of wannabe page three girl. (to our fans in the US, a page three girl is a model with large boobs who appears on page 3 of the UK’s largest tabloid, The Sun).
You could always fall back on that if the biology and DVD’s fall through.
I don’t think it’s me. The editors always put words in the mouths of models, and it’s all very stupid and all been done. I don’t want ‘white van man’ thinking that I support some cause when I don’t. Perhaps if they had me commenting on a science story or something, but they’d have me cooing over Brian Cox and making jokes about his Large Collider.
You do support the troops in Afghanistan though?
Ahem... (Barbara shifts a little, perhaps caught off-guard) I don't necessarily think Afghanistan is our war, but if we do send troops anywhere, I believe they should have the backing of the MoD. They're being asked to do a horrible job with shoody equipment.
Do you maintain a blog, and how often do you comment on message boards?
Oh I thought about it, but the site is sort of a blog anyway, but is so much more as well.
What were you interested in at school? Were you more artistic, scientific, technical, physical or interested in languages and the humanities?
Well, I suppose science, although it wasn’t always apparent, and it didn’t extend to physics, as it seemed too similar to maths. I was pretty good in most of them, and quite enjoyed PE, just because I used to muck around with the boys and get them to do whatever I wanted, provided I give them a few minutes on the trampoline (breaks into a wonderful, hearty laugh). I was a good E-cup back then.
Wowsers! - what was the last book you borrowed from a library?
It was about six or seven books for my work, including the one about plankton.
Do you, as a biology student, ever think that one day, irradiated plankton will grow to enormous size and start eating people, like in Voyage To The Bottom of the Sea?
No. Not really.
Okay, just wanted to clear that up. Do you own a car, and if you do, what make
I drive a yellow VW beetle, one of the new ones. I’ve had it for a while now.
Given enough money, what would be your ideal car?
I wouldn’t spend that much on a car in the first place. I would spend it on a chauffeur. I like driving myself, but a chauffeur would be nice as well.
Like Parker from Thunderbirds?
With those huge eyebrows (she coos a little and giggles sexily)... He could really tease me, especially if he moved them up and down like caterpillars!
Wow, i wish I could do that! What do you look for in someone of the opposite sex?
Bushy caterpillar eyebrows! okay, seriously... I tend to be a little guarded around guys my age, as they’re usually clueless oafs, especially around here (Southern central England). I like intelligent, considerate, kind men who are secure enough not to try and show off and act up. That usually means older men. I used to like Patrick Stewart, but he screwed up at that award ceremony. I think he was too old anyway. I go for the Hugh Jackman/ Gerard Butler types, so I’m a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to men. My ideal man wouldn’t have to be a scientist. I like musicians. That’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but never had any talent for. I’m not a groupie who goes after rock stars, but a guy who could play the piano or something, a real musical maestro. I think that’s something I’d like in a guy. It’s fascinating.
So anyone out there who could ‘tickle’ the ivories…
Haha, yeah sure!
What about Bill Bailey? He plays the piano and has a great sense of humour.
He’s brilliant. Lucy is quite smitten by him. He has such a weird but genuine sense of humour. I’d go for a drink with Bill, definitely, and he’s (sort of) a local. I’m from Dorset and he’s from Somerset.
Have you ever performed at a karaoke evening?
Certainly not. I could never do that. I can’t play instruments and I really can’t sing.
You’ve got a lovely voice.
Cheers sweetie. I can’t sing though. It just sounds bad!
I can’t imagine your singing being bad.
Well thanks. I’m confident speaking in front of people, but I feel silly if I have to sing with others or in front of people. I think it goes back to music lessons at school. I’m too reserved.
This is from the girl who spends half her life in low cut tops and bikinis…
But that’s body confidence. I was never one to shout or anything at school, and music lessons were always a trial, especially when the teacher said I sounded ‘spineless’ while I was trying to sing a verse from some hymn.
(The interviewer is knocked for six that a teacher would say that to such a polite, intelligent girl. Barbara reveals a shy grin) This was before I ‘developed’ and afterwards he regretted not fostering an interest in music in me when he saw me in the corridor. My friends would always giggle and suggest I undo a couple of blouse buttons before we passed each other. He rarely looked me in the eye.
Too much of a reward for the guy… Have you ever won a pub quiz?Yes, a couple of them. Once with my sisters and our friend Dominic, and once with my coursemates. I then had to play strip-poker with the guys from my course, and then it got awkward because one made a move for me, thinking I was into him, and I ran away.
Still, it was £70 and a bottle of wine.
What was the last costume you wore for a fancy dress party?
I was some sort of female Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget, courtesy of Dominic. I don’t think many people understood why I’d come as that particular character; I didn’t, and my face said it all. It turned into a drunken pool party, so I felt better in my undies.
Which Disney character best suits your personality?
Some people say that I’m Belle from Beauty and the Beast, and some have said I’m like an X-rated Mary Poppins (more laughter from your interviewer)… I think I prefer Belle, as I’ve had to deal with a few guys like Gaston in my time, and she’s generally credited with being smart. I’m nothing like Mary Poppins… she can sing!
Who was the best Bond?
I haven’t got much knowledge of James Bond, but I used to like Pierce Brosnan, although some of his films were terrible. Daniel Craig just looks… strange. I don’t have a favourite Bond, as I sort of avoided them. Pierce was the one I grew up with, so perhaps that’s why I’m not into it.
What decade of the 20th century would you like to visit?
Probably the forties, just to experience VE day. That would be incredible.
What is your favourite wild animal?
Well I’m sure the fans can guess! It’s a giant octopus, if you didn’t know.
I’m sure you’ve fired the imaginations of many a young male… hopefully not an octopus with the face of Hugh Jackman.
Wooh! That’s… pretty disturbing, although I’ve heard that Hugh Jackman has three legs.
It’s all about the cock with you, isn’t it?
Come off it! How many times have guys like you made a crack about (points to her chest) ‘the rack’?
Touche.
How many languages do you speak?
I took French, and have studied a little Spanish, as well as Italian.
That’s pretty amazing… which is your favourite?
I think French might be, just because I have a lot more experience with it, and often surprise guys who try to chat me up with it. They sort of expect me to giggle and say ‘ that sounds beautiful… what does it mean’?
Name a celebrity who looks like you.
A few guys have said I’m like a ‘massive Megan Fox’, but I’m not sure how to take that ‘massive’ they throw in, and I don’t look like Megan in reality. I’ve been confused for a whole load of different glamour models by drunk guys who read Nuts and Zoo and little else. I mean, they can be flattering because the girls they have in mind are really good-looking but…
Not likely to study Zoology at Cambridge?
Well, that’s a little mean. Some of them are quite intelligent but might confuse zoology as something studying Lad mags (she pauses and gestures to make sure I get the joke). I can only say who other people have compared me to, and with Glamour models there will always be a comparison.
Do you like your neighbours?
We don’t really have neighbours, unless you count the Ministry of Defence. Am I going to get an SAS hit squad descend on me now?
It won’t be too bad if they go one at a time.
Oh you’re a tinker.
A tinker?
And a scamp.
Sounds good. What’s your favourite board game?
Board games?... ooh, I used to play Snakes and Ladders with my sisters and aunty and uncle. Sorry, that’s a pretty boring answer. I don’t have any scintillating board game anecdotes.
What was your favourite toy as a child?
Probably a swing ball thing, or a slinky. I’m not a hundred percent but those two come to mind.
Who is your favourite soap character of all time (even if you no longer watch soaps, there’s usually one)?
Oh I really don’t have one. What about teen soaps, because they’re the only ones I’ve ever seen. I used to like Drew from Neighbours. No British soaps though.
How many pints/shots/measures of silly juice does it take before you start bellowing lines from a fairly old and niche film that you suddenly think everyone should’ve seen?
Erm… what the hell?! I don’t even know what you just said! Niche films?
Sorry, I don’t think that applies to many people to be honest.
Name one negative thing about yourself.
I come across as a little aloof, and perhaps too reserved in certain situations. I’m not shy, just reserved and quite guarded, especially around guys my own age. I’ve turned down some genuine sweethearts because I was suspicious of them. Really, thrusting me into a heaving bar or club and expecting me to ‘mix it up’ with a load of sweaty randoms is just naïve. I usually apologise to those sweet guys though, because they’re usually recovering from a night with Nina or Lucy.
And, finally; what is the meaning of life?
Is there one? I think you have to work it out as you go. I don’t think there are any Swami’s who need worry about me replacing them!
And God?
Oh, now we’re going to get hate mail! I don’t think the universe needs God, does it? It might be nice to think there is one, but… y’know… I’m not into the supernatural. I know some really nice Christians, and we always end up having interesting talks. They aren’t fire and Brimstone nutters. I liked Matthew McCoughaney’s Christian character in Contact. If they were all like that we might all get on better… What about you?
I’m pretty much the same. Thanks very much Barbara. You’ll be able to see the answers your sisters and the Doctor gave once all the interviews are completed.
Fran.. Doctor Featherfinger is doing an interview?
Yes. He insisted this time.
Excellent… (she puts her hand on my shoulder) Really, I’m not bothered about guys checking out my boobs. It’s quite nice when they just can’t help giving them a quick glance, like you did. There’s a little frisson about that…
No, I… it’s just pretty difficult for a very ordinary guy to ignore… er… you.
Well, it’s the flat-out gawpers I hate, but you can’t pick who sees them. See you at some point.
Barbara walks out as Lucy enters and exchanges a cheeky glance and laughs, catching a sighing interviewer off guard.
[continued in part 3) P.S. If you're wondering about Sooty, you haven't lived;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxXd1lnM-TQ&p=B1FA42D2ECCFD677&playnext=1&index=4
So, first of all, what’s your favourite meal you like to cook?
Firstly, I see that you’re a breast man, hehemm… it’s alright. I’m pretty used to it. So… I suppose Nina told you she hardly cooks, which leaves Lucy and myself with that job. No, I quite enjoy messing about in the kitchen, although I don’t like people getting under my feet. Three girls, each cooking something different doesn’t work, so Lucy and I just take turns to be chef. I’m quite good at giving orders, y’know.
I can believe that! If you’re out with friends, and want a quick bite to eat, where would you go?
Never somewhere that expensive, but then I’m not a fan of Maccy D’s, either.
What is your favourite type of take-away food, and what do you order?
It has to be Thai or Indian food. I’m always happy if we get Indian, which is what some guys have trouble understanding. They get the impression that I would look down on them if they just wanted a curry at home, when in fact I eat good Indian food anywhere.
Anything in particular?
Curry? Something with a kick, which can put any guys with me in an awkward position. There are lots of butch men who try to impress me by ordering a hotter curry than me, but if you don’t like hot food, I can always tell, guys! As long as I can go home and relax. Spicy food and a long night do not mix.
Enough of your bowel habits! What’s your favourite kind of restaurant for a special occasion?
haha... thanks! Again, you can’t go wrong… oh that sounds like an old man… but, really, a good Indian restaurant is pretty much there. I like Thai food almost as much, and there are some gorgeous Thai restaurants.
What drink do you order from the bar?
I’m not a real drinker or anything, but I’ll have a glass of wine, or perhaps a rum or vodka with coke. It’s fairly rare though.
Out of Pubs, sports bars, vodka bars, wine bars, rock clubs or dance clubs, which would you ordinarily prefer?
I’m not a club person at all. You get all sorts of saddo’s in those places. Give me a nice pub with a good garden area. I’m sorry if I sound like an old woman but that’s what I like.
As a rule I tend to avoid places that go over-the–top with door staff. Half of those guys are ‘roiders, and how can you have a nice evening in a mini police state? The music is usually bowel-disrupting and the drink prices are through the roof. Lucy and Nina always ask me out for a quiet drink, but we end up outside some city centre chain club, surrounded by morons.
How often do you go socialising, or are you more content at home?
I’m fond of going out, but I don’t go out for the sake of going out, like a lot of girls my age. I’m a bit of a recluse sometimes (giggles charmingly).
How do you relax on a Sunday?
Perhaps I’ll read a book in the bath, then go for lunch somewhere nice, and then walk it off.
Describe a fun day out with friends or a date.
Generally what I like doing on my own but with an extra person. I really like going out to eat if I do go out. A nice meal and a few drinks are a good way to get to know people. I like to go to places where there’s very little noise, just so we can a decent conversation, although… if Lucy - and Dominic- are there it’s always going to be pretty noisy. I wouldn’t be very happy if a date wanted to go clubbing all the time. Some guys are so myopic when it comes to 'going out'.
Where is your ideal holiday destination?
I’d love to visit California, and maybe live there one day. There are plenty of us Brits out there already so another one won’t hurt! Perhaps when I’ve finished at Cambridge I could work over there as a marine biologist.
You couldn’t do that here in poor old Blighty?
Sorry, I don’t think this country is the place to be a Marine Biologist. It’s the relaxed culture and attitude of the Californians I like, and perhaps I wouldn’t get stared at so often, with so many aspiring actresses over there.
You’ll be working as a biologist… in a lab… with ‘nerds’… and they’ll go insane over your accent.Oh I suppose… (she laughs naughtily)
Out of a visit to a gallery, a museum, the theatre or cinema, which one appeals to you most?
Oh it’s probably a museum, although you should’ve seen Lucy’s face when we went to the Natural History museum. She just said, ‘that’s nice… that’s nice…’ at every exhibit. I think she’d set her heart on Glastonbury. I’m probably the same at art galleries though.
What was the last book you read?
I’m studying right now so it’s probably anything on my reading list. Something about Plankton.
Who is your favourite author?
Probably the same guy who is my favourite TV presenter, David Attenborough. Other than him there’s a whole range of science authors.
I'm not really into chick-lit.
What’s your take on Dickie Dawkins?
Oh Richard Dawkins! I’d prefer it if he just stuck to biology, rather than take on creationists all the time. It’s not as half as exciting as people make out. Some of his fans are nuts as well. I don’t care for the creationist point of view either, by the way. I have met him, and he seemed surprised that I was studying anything… he seemed distracted. I wanted to meet David Attenborough, but I got my dates mixed up, so I went all the way to Manchester for Richard Dawkins.
Most girls, sorry- women – your age wouldn’t go all that way to meet either Dawkins or David Attenborough.
Haha, a lot of them don’t know who either of them are, which is pretty sad. Still, I’ve worked with guys (she means both genders) who have no idea who Charles Dickens was!
That’s very sad… What newspapers, if any, do you read?
I barely have time to read them. They seem to be pretty pious, hypocritical or just garbage aimed at people who left school at nine.
What’s your favourite website (don’t be too honest here)?
What do you mean ‘too honest’? Well of course I’m going to say our website, although it needs updating.
What’s the last song you heard?
Some dance thing that Lucy was leaping around to.
Did you like it?
It wasn’t too bad. Quite funky.
What is your favourite recording artist/band?
Arctic Monkeys… I’m joking. I really don’t think there’s one, to be honest. Name someone?
Alanis Morrisette?
Okay… I have favourite tracks rather than artists…anything that’s a bit edgy, but sexy. None of the self-pitying stuff that Radiohead or The Smiths do… eugh! Pseud-magnets.
Pseud-magnets?
You know… people who want to be intellectuals… chin-strokers. People who just drone on about things they know nothing about as if they’re authorities on it. A few guys tend to do that as soon as they know I’m fond of intelligent men. It gets a little embarrassing when they’re trying to talk about how ‘amazing’ science is and clearly would rather talk about what they’d like to do to me. It doesn’t take long to suss them out.
What’s the last film you saw, (cinema/ rented/ TV/ bought/ download)?Liam Neeson pretending to be Zeus… The one with the Kraken… even though the Kraken is from Norse mythology… it was pants. An atrocious film. Lucy kept replaying the part where Liam Neeson says ‘Release the Kraken!’ She found it funny, but it just got on my tits…ahem. She’s like that some days.
What is your favourite film?
I really can’t think of just the one. I’m not a massive fan of films. They’re a diversion. All the ones I’ve seen lately have been terrible. I liked the new Batman film. Hold on, guys, I’m not a comic book fan… I just like The Dark Knight, so don’t have any ideas about me dressing up as anyone… although it might be fun (betrays a naughty smile).
Are you a gamer?
No, no. despite being a biology student and an avid reader, and liking Batman films… er, one Batman film, I’m not that much of a geek, not that I disapprove of gaming, just please don’t do it when I’m laying in your bed, imploring you with my eyes… especially if it’s World of bloody Warcraft.
You’re not saying that actually happened are you?
Well, it was a little bemusing, to see this thirty-something playing on this game and shouting aloud. I think he was talking to someone else. He didn’t notice me leave.
What is the last computer game you played?
I honestly can’t remember. It was something on the PC many moons ago. One of those quirky games… it was since I tried the online thing, but even then I kind of lost interest.
You tried online gaming?
Only as a little joke. It was at a male friend’s place. He wondered what the reaction of some others would be if they heard me. I put the headset on and had about six little turds spitting sexual abuse and their fantasies at me. I went into absolute hysterics. These guys just don’t get out much.
How much time in a day do you use the internet?
I use it fairly often, because of my course and I like popping on the site and stalking our members! No, I’ve had people PM me when they’ve seen I’m online. It’s pretty nice talking to them, although I’ve had to ban several for going a little nuts. A tip for anyone who wants to keep in contact; keep it fairly clean and try to imagine you’re talking to me face to face. I always keep in contact with the guys who are witty, civil but not too sycophantic and who know about using the caps lock key, or not using it, as is usually the case.
What is the best thing on TV at the moment?
I usually try and catch any new documentaries. I try to watch Stephen Hawking’s Universe, bless him, which is great for people who don’t have a great head for physics and things. I saw Cosmos by Carl Sagan recently. He was lovely as well. Sorry, I’m such a fangirl when it comes to guys like that.
How do they rank with David Attenborough?
Well that’s funny because Attenborough is to me what Sagan was to Physicists and Astronomers, but David is my number one.
Attenborough actually said one of his heroes was Richard Feynman, a physicist.
Feynman was a rascal (she bites on her bottom lip), but I don’t have much understanding of anything he said. Quantum Theory is nearly as difficult to understand as Lucy.
(the interview creases at this remark) That's brilliant! To think Poor Lucy is more puzzling than one of the strangest ideas in science! I love that...
So. You’re not a geek but you like Batman, science books and have a crush on Carl Sagan.
Okay… I am, although I’ve never been cast as one by my friends. I guess that’s the trick… if you look a… erm… certain way, you’re either just surprisingly smart or a geek. Lucy has a tendency to call me ‘Spock’... I think she’s a closet trekkie.
but, looking at her…
I know, but y’know… looking isn’t usually enough.
I bet you say that to all of those ‘geeks’.
Hmm, I said it to you.
Fair point. What was your favourite TV show growing up?
Probably Life on Earth, which was the epic Attenborough series in the eighties. I mean epic in the original sense, not the internet sense. I hate that shit.
Nina said you'd choose that, but suggested it was really something else…
What did she say then?
Sooty
( Babs gives us a burst of wonderful, undulating laughter) Well… that was when I was very little. I think everyone loves Sooty at some point…. What’s up?
Your laugh is really hot.
Alright… calm down. Don’t get all clammy.
Sorry. Do you think you’ll own a TV set in five years from now?
How do you mean?
The way technology is going may make the traditional TV set a relic.I’m not into gadgets… do you mean 3D things and Holograms? I’m not Arthur C. Clarke.
Did you ever notice that he had a proper ‘turkey wattle’ going on?(Barbara just lets out a snigger. I think she noticed).
You’re horrible!... hehehmm…
You like a man with a wibbling wattle, don’t you? A jowly, dewlapped face turns you on.
It rocks my world, you perv. I’d rather be interviewed by Arthur C. Clarke than you.
He’s dead.
I know, darling…(a sexy little giggle escapes) I’m joking.
Yes. Do you upload any media content of your own, and what kind of content is it?
I do a few things, a few extras for the fans… nothing like that!... just candid stuff of nights out, our life outside the official stuff, and a few podcasts with Lucy and maybe some other things.
Have you ever used a webcam to make a ‘talking head’ video?
I’ve used a webcam for a couple of live chats with fans, but some of them get a little excited so we limit it. Lucy just winds them up by doing this hilarious dance routine in the middle of a chat. She is pretty off-the-wall when it comes to that kind of thing.
Do you use any social networking sites?
No, I limit my activities to the website, which works better. I had a Facebook account but all of my bikini pics kept getting removed, which was insulting as they were private pictures anyway. I think they saw me as some sort of wannabe page three girl. (to our fans in the US, a page three girl is a model with large boobs who appears on page 3 of the UK’s largest tabloid, The Sun).
You could always fall back on that if the biology and DVD’s fall through.
I don’t think it’s me. The editors always put words in the mouths of models, and it’s all very stupid and all been done. I don’t want ‘white van man’ thinking that I support some cause when I don’t. Perhaps if they had me commenting on a science story or something, but they’d have me cooing over Brian Cox and making jokes about his Large Collider.
You do support the troops in Afghanistan though?
Ahem... (Barbara shifts a little, perhaps caught off-guard) I don't necessarily think Afghanistan is our war, but if we do send troops anywhere, I believe they should have the backing of the MoD. They're being asked to do a horrible job with shoody equipment.
Do you maintain a blog, and how often do you comment on message boards?
Oh I thought about it, but the site is sort of a blog anyway, but is so much more as well.
What were you interested in at school? Were you more artistic, scientific, technical, physical or interested in languages and the humanities?
Well, I suppose science, although it wasn’t always apparent, and it didn’t extend to physics, as it seemed too similar to maths. I was pretty good in most of them, and quite enjoyed PE, just because I used to muck around with the boys and get them to do whatever I wanted, provided I give them a few minutes on the trampoline (breaks into a wonderful, hearty laugh). I was a good E-cup back then.
Wowsers! - what was the last book you borrowed from a library?
It was about six or seven books for my work, including the one about plankton.
Do you, as a biology student, ever think that one day, irradiated plankton will grow to enormous size and start eating people, like in Voyage To The Bottom of the Sea?
No. Not really.
Okay, just wanted to clear that up. Do you own a car, and if you do, what make
I drive a yellow VW beetle, one of the new ones. I’ve had it for a while now.
Given enough money, what would be your ideal car?
I wouldn’t spend that much on a car in the first place. I would spend it on a chauffeur. I like driving myself, but a chauffeur would be nice as well.
Like Parker from Thunderbirds?
With those huge eyebrows (she coos a little and giggles sexily)... He could really tease me, especially if he moved them up and down like caterpillars!
Wow, i wish I could do that! What do you look for in someone of the opposite sex?
Bushy caterpillar eyebrows! okay, seriously... I tend to be a little guarded around guys my age, as they’re usually clueless oafs, especially around here (Southern central England). I like intelligent, considerate, kind men who are secure enough not to try and show off and act up. That usually means older men. I used to like Patrick Stewart, but he screwed up at that award ceremony. I think he was too old anyway. I go for the Hugh Jackman/ Gerard Butler types, so I’m a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to men. My ideal man wouldn’t have to be a scientist. I like musicians. That’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but never had any talent for. I’m not a groupie who goes after rock stars, but a guy who could play the piano or something, a real musical maestro. I think that’s something I’d like in a guy. It’s fascinating.
So anyone out there who could ‘tickle’ the ivories…
Haha, yeah sure!
What about Bill Bailey? He plays the piano and has a great sense of humour.
He’s brilliant. Lucy is quite smitten by him. He has such a weird but genuine sense of humour. I’d go for a drink with Bill, definitely, and he’s (sort of) a local. I’m from Dorset and he’s from Somerset.
Have you ever performed at a karaoke evening?
Certainly not. I could never do that. I can’t play instruments and I really can’t sing.
You’ve got a lovely voice.
Cheers sweetie. I can’t sing though. It just sounds bad!
I can’t imagine your singing being bad.
Well thanks. I’m confident speaking in front of people, but I feel silly if I have to sing with others or in front of people. I think it goes back to music lessons at school. I’m too reserved.
This is from the girl who spends half her life in low cut tops and bikinis…
But that’s body confidence. I was never one to shout or anything at school, and music lessons were always a trial, especially when the teacher said I sounded ‘spineless’ while I was trying to sing a verse from some hymn.
(The interviewer is knocked for six that a teacher would say that to such a polite, intelligent girl. Barbara reveals a shy grin) This was before I ‘developed’ and afterwards he regretted not fostering an interest in music in me when he saw me in the corridor. My friends would always giggle and suggest I undo a couple of blouse buttons before we passed each other. He rarely looked me in the eye.
Too much of a reward for the guy… Have you ever won a pub quiz?Yes, a couple of them. Once with my sisters and our friend Dominic, and once with my coursemates. I then had to play strip-poker with the guys from my course, and then it got awkward because one made a move for me, thinking I was into him, and I ran away.
Still, it was £70 and a bottle of wine.
What was the last costume you wore for a fancy dress party?
I was some sort of female Dr Claw from Inspector Gadget, courtesy of Dominic. I don’t think many people understood why I’d come as that particular character; I didn’t, and my face said it all. It turned into a drunken pool party, so I felt better in my undies.
Which Disney character best suits your personality?
Some people say that I’m Belle from Beauty and the Beast, and some have said I’m like an X-rated Mary Poppins (more laughter from your interviewer)… I think I prefer Belle, as I’ve had to deal with a few guys like Gaston in my time, and she’s generally credited with being smart. I’m nothing like Mary Poppins… she can sing!
Who was the best Bond?
I haven’t got much knowledge of James Bond, but I used to like Pierce Brosnan, although some of his films were terrible. Daniel Craig just looks… strange. I don’t have a favourite Bond, as I sort of avoided them. Pierce was the one I grew up with, so perhaps that’s why I’m not into it.
What decade of the 20th century would you like to visit?
Probably the forties, just to experience VE day. That would be incredible.
What is your favourite wild animal?
Well I’m sure the fans can guess! It’s a giant octopus, if you didn’t know.
I’m sure you’ve fired the imaginations of many a young male… hopefully not an octopus with the face of Hugh Jackman.
Wooh! That’s… pretty disturbing, although I’ve heard that Hugh Jackman has three legs.
It’s all about the cock with you, isn’t it?
Come off it! How many times have guys like you made a crack about (points to her chest) ‘the rack’?
Touche.
How many languages do you speak?
I took French, and have studied a little Spanish, as well as Italian.
That’s pretty amazing… which is your favourite?
I think French might be, just because I have a lot more experience with it, and often surprise guys who try to chat me up with it. They sort of expect me to giggle and say ‘ that sounds beautiful… what does it mean’?
Name a celebrity who looks like you.
A few guys have said I’m like a ‘massive Megan Fox’, but I’m not sure how to take that ‘massive’ they throw in, and I don’t look like Megan in reality. I’ve been confused for a whole load of different glamour models by drunk guys who read Nuts and Zoo and little else. I mean, they can be flattering because the girls they have in mind are really good-looking but…
Not likely to study Zoology at Cambridge?
Well, that’s a little mean. Some of them are quite intelligent but might confuse zoology as something studying Lad mags (she pauses and gestures to make sure I get the joke). I can only say who other people have compared me to, and with Glamour models there will always be a comparison.
Do you like your neighbours?
We don’t really have neighbours, unless you count the Ministry of Defence. Am I going to get an SAS hit squad descend on me now?
It won’t be too bad if they go one at a time.
Oh you’re a tinker.
A tinker?
And a scamp.
Sounds good. What’s your favourite board game?
Board games?... ooh, I used to play Snakes and Ladders with my sisters and aunty and uncle. Sorry, that’s a pretty boring answer. I don’t have any scintillating board game anecdotes.
What was your favourite toy as a child?
Probably a swing ball thing, or a slinky. I’m not a hundred percent but those two come to mind.
Who is your favourite soap character of all time (even if you no longer watch soaps, there’s usually one)?
Oh I really don’t have one. What about teen soaps, because they’re the only ones I’ve ever seen. I used to like Drew from Neighbours. No British soaps though.
How many pints/shots/measures of silly juice does it take before you start bellowing lines from a fairly old and niche film that you suddenly think everyone should’ve seen?
Erm… what the hell?! I don’t even know what you just said! Niche films?
Sorry, I don’t think that applies to many people to be honest.
Name one negative thing about yourself.
I come across as a little aloof, and perhaps too reserved in certain situations. I’m not shy, just reserved and quite guarded, especially around guys my own age. I’ve turned down some genuine sweethearts because I was suspicious of them. Really, thrusting me into a heaving bar or club and expecting me to ‘mix it up’ with a load of sweaty randoms is just naïve. I usually apologise to those sweet guys though, because they’re usually recovering from a night with Nina or Lucy.
And, finally; what is the meaning of life?
Is there one? I think you have to work it out as you go. I don’t think there are any Swami’s who need worry about me replacing them!
And God?
Oh, now we’re going to get hate mail! I don’t think the universe needs God, does it? It might be nice to think there is one, but… y’know… I’m not into the supernatural. I know some really nice Christians, and we always end up having interesting talks. They aren’t fire and Brimstone nutters. I liked Matthew McCoughaney’s Christian character in Contact. If they were all like that we might all get on better… What about you?
I’m pretty much the same. Thanks very much Barbara. You’ll be able to see the answers your sisters and the Doctor gave once all the interviews are completed.
Fran.. Doctor Featherfinger is doing an interview?
Yes. He insisted this time.
Excellent… (she puts her hand on my shoulder) Really, I’m not bothered about guys checking out my boobs. It’s quite nice when they just can’t help giving them a quick glance, like you did. There’s a little frisson about that…
No, I… it’s just pretty difficult for a very ordinary guy to ignore… er… you.
Well, it’s the flat-out gawpers I hate, but you can’t pick who sees them. See you at some point.
Barbara walks out as Lucy enters and exchanges a cheeky glance and laughs, catching a sighing interviewer off guard.
[continued in part 3) P.S. If you're wondering about Sooty, you haven't lived;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxXd1lnM-TQ&p=B1FA42D2ECCFD677&playnext=1&index=4
