Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
News reports say that COVID started in China; I suspect it actually began in the ocean. Why else would it come in waves?
Blonde: "I just got back from the dentist. He told me to change toothbrushes every three months."
Brunette: "Yeah, I heard about that. A brand new toothbrush every three months... sounds like a racket to me."
Blonde: "Nope, it can't be. It'd never fit in my mouth."
My brother looked completely beaten down after repeated guilty verdicts. He's suffered severe in juries.
Rumor is that the next Spider Man film will be about Peter Parker going after the founder of Therenos. The tentative title is "Spider Man - No Way, Holmes!"
My girlfriend and me had a ferocious argument while driving out in the country, so I left her on the side of the road. Looked like she needed a shoulder to cry on.
God tells Jesus and Satan to write competing articles about the merits of good versus evil. Immediately, the two adversaries get to work on their papers, typing furiously away on their computers. They're at it for five solid hours... the deadline is almost due, when suddenly the power goes out. Once it's been restored, Satan is horrified to find that his article has been completely erased. Jesus, on the other hand, has only one more sentence to write. The moral to the story: Jesus saves.
Strange coincidence... the new usherette at our downtown theater is named Miss Aisle. She's a bit high strung, so don't annoy her... she tends to go ballistic.
"Whenever I donate at the blood bank, I don't draw it out myself. A nurse handles that for me."
"Sorry sir. We just don't do it that way at the sperm bank."
My psych professor wants me to write a report on the Dunning-Kruger effect. I've never even heard of it before, but I'm sure that won't be any problem.
"Hey zookeeper! Those lions look so fierce when you see 'em for real! How could I survive if one charged at me in the wild?"
"It's actually easier than you'd think. Simply reach behind you, grab up a handful of dung and fling it in his face. That'll make him back down."
"Yeah, but what if there isn't any dung on the ground behind me?"
"Don't worry. There will be."
While at the Disneyland park, I went to a Star Wars themed restaurant. It was so high tech, they actually had an android that parks your car for you. You'd think that'd be cool, but I was really creeped out by the uncanny valet.
"Hello, Guinness? I'm a chef and I just made a crepe nine feet wide. Is it a record?"
"Really can't say, sir. Have you tried playing it on a phonograph?"
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. It was her idea... I don't know why she was so pissed off when she found out I'd gotten a girlfriend.
Hitchhiker: "Thanks for stopping! Though I'm a bit surprised in this day and age... I mean, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
Driver: "Ha! I'm not worried! What are the odds of having two serial killers in the same car!"
During the war, my dad was sent to New Guinea to deal with the cannibals. He didn't last long... he was a seasoned veteran.
Beer bottle: "Break me and you get one full year of bad luck."
Mirror: "Am I supposed to be impressed? Break me and you get seven years of bad luck!"
Condom: " ... goddam amateurs... "
Last night I was in BevMo, searching frantically for the cheapest hard liquor they had. After watching me run around fruitlessly for five minutes, the clerk asked, "Excuse me, sir. Do you need help?"
"Sure I do, " I replied wearily. "But if my wife can't get me to quit, you aren't going to have any better luck."
Brunette: "Got a joke for you! What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?"
Blonde: "The Holocaust, I guess. That had to be a lot worse."
I went to my brethren seeking enlightenment, but their arguments just didn't hold any water. So instead, I turned to my cistern.
If you rent a limo on prom night, make sure it comes with a driver. Otherwise, you'll have made a huge investment with nothing to chauffeur it.
In college athletics, I played the position of starting catcher. Unfortunately, it was for the javelin team.
Soon after the Adventure of the Five Orange Pips, Sherlock Holmes received an envelope, this one containing five lemon pips.
"Not again!" moaned Watson. "It took us weeks to solve that last case! Whatever can you make of these five lemon seeds, Holmes?"
The great detective smiled wryly.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson."
* * *
Blonde: "I just got back from the dentist. He told me to change toothbrushes every three months."
Brunette: "Yeah, I heard about that. A brand new toothbrush every three months... sounds like a racket to me."
Blonde: "Nope, it can't be. It'd never fit in my mouth."
* * *
My brother looked completely beaten down after repeated guilty verdicts. He's suffered severe in juries.
* * *
Rumor is that the next Spider Man film will be about Peter Parker going after the founder of Therenos. The tentative title is "Spider Man - No Way, Holmes!"
* * *
My girlfriend and me had a ferocious argument while driving out in the country, so I left her on the side of the road. Looked like she needed a shoulder to cry on.
* * *
God tells Jesus and Satan to write competing articles about the merits of good versus evil. Immediately, the two adversaries get to work on their papers, typing furiously away on their computers. They're at it for five solid hours... the deadline is almost due, when suddenly the power goes out. Once it's been restored, Satan is horrified to find that his article has been completely erased. Jesus, on the other hand, has only one more sentence to write. The moral to the story: Jesus saves.
* * *
Strange coincidence... the new usherette at our downtown theater is named Miss Aisle. She's a bit high strung, so don't annoy her... she tends to go ballistic.
* * *
"Whenever I donate at the blood bank, I don't draw it out myself. A nurse handles that for me."
"Sorry sir. We just don't do it that way at the sperm bank."
* * *
My psych professor wants me to write a report on the Dunning-Kruger effect. I've never even heard of it before, but I'm sure that won't be any problem.
* * *
"Hey zookeeper! Those lions look so fierce when you see 'em for real! How could I survive if one charged at me in the wild?"
"It's actually easier than you'd think. Simply reach behind you, grab up a handful of dung and fling it in his face. That'll make him back down."
"Yeah, but what if there isn't any dung on the ground behind me?"
"Don't worry. There will be."
* * *
While at the Disneyland park, I went to a Star Wars themed restaurant. It was so high tech, they actually had an android that parks your car for you. You'd think that'd be cool, but I was really creeped out by the uncanny valet.
* * *
"Hello, Guinness? I'm a chef and I just made a crepe nine feet wide. Is it a record?"
"Really can't say, sir. Have you tried playing it on a phonograph?"
* * *
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. It was her idea... I don't know why she was so pissed off when she found out I'd gotten a girlfriend.
* * *
Hitchhiker: "Thanks for stopping! Though I'm a bit surprised in this day and age... I mean, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
Driver: "Ha! I'm not worried! What are the odds of having two serial killers in the same car!"
* * *
During the war, my dad was sent to New Guinea to deal with the cannibals. He didn't last long... he was a seasoned veteran.
* * *
Beer bottle: "Break me and you get one full year of bad luck."
Mirror: "Am I supposed to be impressed? Break me and you get seven years of bad luck!"
Condom: " ... goddam amateurs... "
* * *
Last night I was in BevMo, searching frantically for the cheapest hard liquor they had. After watching me run around fruitlessly for five minutes, the clerk asked, "Excuse me, sir. Do you need help?"
"Sure I do, " I replied wearily. "But if my wife can't get me to quit, you aren't going to have any better luck."
* * *
Brunette: "Got a joke for you! What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?"
Blonde: "The Holocaust, I guess. That had to be a lot worse."
* * *
I went to my brethren seeking enlightenment, but their arguments just didn't hold any water. So instead, I turned to my cistern.
* * *
If you rent a limo on prom night, make sure it comes with a driver. Otherwise, you'll have made a huge investment with nothing to chauffeur it.
* * *
In college athletics, I played the position of starting catcher. Unfortunately, it was for the javelin team.
* * *
Soon after the Adventure of the Five Orange Pips, Sherlock Holmes received an envelope, this one containing five lemon pips.
"Not again!" moaned Watson. "It took us weeks to solve that last case! Whatever can you make of these five lemon seeds, Holmes?"
The great detective smiled wryly.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson."
