Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I just learned about the phrase “Carpe diem”, which is Latin for “Seize the day”. Who’d have thought that ancient Roman epileptics had their own motto!
She: “Did you know that ‘bedroom’ is an anagram for ‘boredom’?
He: “Heh! You come up with the oddest pieces of trivia after we have sex!”
I took twelve months’ worth of my used condoms and had them formed into a car tire. It was a Goodyear.
“Sir, I represent the town orphanage. Would it be possible for you to make a donation today.”
“Sure, I can do that. My son’s gonna be super pissed about it, though.”
I was getting rather tubby, so my wife signed me up for a weight-loss program at the local gym. Since that time, I’ve gained five pounds! If this keeps up, I’m gonna have to go down there personally and find out what the hell they’re doing!
Liquor comes in fifths. That’s because most people use it when they’re too tense.
When playing Risk, I always go for Helsinki first. The game is won once you cross the Finnish line.
Scientists tell us that dolphins are the second smartest species in Earth after man. Doesn’t seem very fair to all the women.
Someone stole my piano, but it was my own fault; I left the keys in it.
Never say grace before eating KFC; you’ll be living on a wing and a prayer.
Must be time to discuss Lyme Disease again. All I ever hear from the clock is tick talk.
Customer: “I’d like to buy some 2x4s please.”
Lumberyard clerk: “Certainly sir. How long do you want them?”
Customer: “For years. I’m going to use them to build a house.”
Many workers find their jobs stressful, but not me. I’m employed in the mirror showroom of department store; I can spend hours in there, quietly reflecting.
In the realm of autocorrect Q&A, there are no silly questions; only silky questions.
My wife is suffering from postpartum depression. We don’t have any kids; she’s suffered from it ever since she was born.
How does an observatory’s staff know the path where a heavenly body will be at any given time?
Easy. They planet.
When I was a kid, things were so awful at home I used to escape into fantasy by pretending I was Bruce Wayne. Not Batman, Bruce Wayne... I’d go over and over that early scene when my parents are in the alley.
My doctor still uses a little rubber hammer to check reflexes. The practice is antiquated, but he always gets a kick out of it.
Richard has no arms and no legs, but still managed to swim the English Channel. Clever Dick!
Pet cemetery funeral director: “Are you sure you want a closed casket for your cat?”
Schrodinger: “Absolutely.”
My imaginary friend is coming over to spend the night. I just made up his bed.
Thor went for Thanos’ chest instead of his head and thus didn’t prevent The Snap. I can’t understand it; he already had a Thor-axe.[/FONT]
* * *
She: “Did you know that ‘bedroom’ is an anagram for ‘boredom’?
He: “Heh! You come up with the oddest pieces of trivia after we have sex!”
* * *
I took twelve months’ worth of my used condoms and had them formed into a car tire. It was a Goodyear.
* * *
“Sir, I represent the town orphanage. Would it be possible for you to make a donation today.”
“Sure, I can do that. My son’s gonna be super pissed about it, though.”
* * *
I was getting rather tubby, so my wife signed me up for a weight-loss program at the local gym. Since that time, I’ve gained five pounds! If this keeps up, I’m gonna have to go down there personally and find out what the hell they’re doing!
* * *
Liquor comes in fifths. That’s because most people use it when they’re too tense.
* * *
When playing Risk, I always go for Helsinki first. The game is won once you cross the Finnish line.
* * *
Scientists tell us that dolphins are the second smartest species in Earth after man. Doesn’t seem very fair to all the women.
* * *
Someone stole my piano, but it was my own fault; I left the keys in it.
* * *
Never say grace before eating KFC; you’ll be living on a wing and a prayer.
* * *
Must be time to discuss Lyme Disease again. All I ever hear from the clock is tick talk.
* * *
Customer: “I’d like to buy some 2x4s please.”
Lumberyard clerk: “Certainly sir. How long do you want them?”
Customer: “For years. I’m going to use them to build a house.”
* * *
Many workers find their jobs stressful, but not me. I’m employed in the mirror showroom of department store; I can spend hours in there, quietly reflecting.
* * *
In the realm of autocorrect Q&A, there are no silly questions; only silky questions.
* * *
My wife is suffering from postpartum depression. We don’t have any kids; she’s suffered from it ever since she was born.
* * *
How does an observatory’s staff know the path where a heavenly body will be at any given time?
Easy. They planet.
* * *
When I was a kid, things were so awful at home I used to escape into fantasy by pretending I was Bruce Wayne. Not Batman, Bruce Wayne... I’d go over and over that early scene when my parents are in the alley.
* * *
My doctor still uses a little rubber hammer to check reflexes. The practice is antiquated, but he always gets a kick out of it.
* * *
Richard has no arms and no legs, but still managed to swim the English Channel. Clever Dick!
* * *
Pet cemetery funeral director: “Are you sure you want a closed casket for your cat?”
Schrodinger: “Absolutely.”
* * *
My imaginary friend is coming over to spend the night. I just made up his bed.
* * *
Thor went for Thanos’ chest instead of his head and thus didn’t prevent The Snap. I can’t understand it; he already had a Thor-axe.[/FONT]
