Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
In the nursery rhyme "Hey Diddle Diddle", the dish ran away with the spoon because he had a date with her. In fact, the first thing he said afterward was, "Dinner's on me!"
I travel frequently on sales jobs, so I spend most of my nights in motel beds. For a company man, I'm mighty inn dependent.
He: "How would you react if I told you I already wore holes in one of my new socks?"
She: "I'd say, 'Well, darn it!' "
My wife told me to stop thinking about getting a job and start using my back. I warned her that such a course would prove to be ex-pensive.
At the North Pole, Frosty the Snowman was caught rummaging through a bag of carrots. Santa accused him of picking his nose.
I was recently asked which sci-fi program is the greatest, and subjectively I'd have to say it's "Doctor Who". But if I'm being objective, it would have to be "Doctor Whom".
For generations, Newfoundlands have been used very successfully as water rescue dogs. They're such good buoys!
A lot of people think that "Raiders of the Lost Ark" is a classic. Maybe it becomes one near the end, but the beginning is pure boulderdash.
I'd heard that unboxing videos are popular, so I thought I'd try to make one myself. It turned out to be way less popular than I'd hoped... the reaction was so bad, in fact, that I've had to close my funeral home.
While checking out diamond wedding rings, I saw two stones that were virtually identical. It wouldn't be going too far to say they were carbon copies.
"I'm in the market for a new dog... perhaps a Labrador Retriever."
"Are you crazy? There's something wrong with that breed... haven't you noticed how many of their owners go blind?"
My brother thinks he deserves to be knighted, even though he's never done anything noteworthy. I keep telling him there's a big difference between having nobility and no 'bility.
Q: How did Wilma Flintstone kill Fred?
A: It was entirely accidental. They were having a pillow fight.
I went to the most amazing amusement park Sunday morning! You get to use a huge grabber arm to pick stuff up and move it around, just like in the arcade claw machines but much bigger. And thanks to strategically placed "Keep Out" notices, there wasn't even a line!
I recently released my own fragrance. Didn't bother me, but the other passengers didn't care for it.
I've heard a wild tale that Russians use vodka to clean their pork. Sounds like absolute hogwash to me.
Before a big game, basketball centers are always better rested than their teammates. That's because they sleep longer.
You have to respect our overseas troops. I mean, c'mon! My girlfriend's husband risks his life every damn day!
My doctor's called half a dozen times, trying to find out my astrological sign. He's guessed the same one each time and each time he's been wrong! This is why I don't trust science.
One of the side effects of virus inoculation is supposed to be injection site soreness. Yeah, I believe that; standing in line can be a pain.
The chief cashier sent me out to get a few counterfeit detection pens. I don't know what his little game was, but I wasn't about to fall for it... I bought the real ones.
I just found out I only have two weeks to live. Jesus, I wish my wife would go on longer vacations.
* * *
I travel frequently on sales jobs, so I spend most of my nights in motel beds. For a company man, I'm mighty inn dependent.
* * *
He: "How would you react if I told you I already wore holes in one of my new socks?"
She: "I'd say, 'Well, darn it!' "
* * *
My wife told me to stop thinking about getting a job and start using my back. I warned her that such a course would prove to be ex-pensive.
* * *
At the North Pole, Frosty the Snowman was caught rummaging through a bag of carrots. Santa accused him of picking his nose.
* * *
I was recently asked which sci-fi program is the greatest, and subjectively I'd have to say it's "Doctor Who". But if I'm being objective, it would have to be "Doctor Whom".
* * *
For generations, Newfoundlands have been used very successfully as water rescue dogs. They're such good buoys!
* * *
A lot of people think that "Raiders of the Lost Ark" is a classic. Maybe it becomes one near the end, but the beginning is pure boulderdash.
* * *
I'd heard that unboxing videos are popular, so I thought I'd try to make one myself. It turned out to be way less popular than I'd hoped... the reaction was so bad, in fact, that I've had to close my funeral home.
* * *
While checking out diamond wedding rings, I saw two stones that were virtually identical. It wouldn't be going too far to say they were carbon copies.
* * *
"I'm in the market for a new dog... perhaps a Labrador Retriever."
"Are you crazy? There's something wrong with that breed... haven't you noticed how many of their owners go blind?"
* * *
My brother thinks he deserves to be knighted, even though he's never done anything noteworthy. I keep telling him there's a big difference between having nobility and no 'bility.
* * *
Q: How did Wilma Flintstone kill Fred?
A: It was entirely accidental. They were having a pillow fight.
* * *
I went to the most amazing amusement park Sunday morning! You get to use a huge grabber arm to pick stuff up and move it around, just like in the arcade claw machines but much bigger. And thanks to strategically placed "Keep Out" notices, there wasn't even a line!
* * *
I recently released my own fragrance. Didn't bother me, but the other passengers didn't care for it.
* * *
I've heard a wild tale that Russians use vodka to clean their pork. Sounds like absolute hogwash to me.
* * *
Before a big game, basketball centers are always better rested than their teammates. That's because they sleep longer.
* * *
You have to respect our overseas troops. I mean, c'mon! My girlfriend's husband risks his life every damn day!
* * *
My doctor's called half a dozen times, trying to find out my astrological sign. He's guessed the same one each time and each time he's been wrong! This is why I don't trust science.
* * *
One of the side effects of virus inoculation is supposed to be injection site soreness. Yeah, I believe that; standing in line can be a pain.
* * *
The chief cashier sent me out to get a few counterfeit detection pens. I don't know what his little game was, but I wasn't about to fall for it... I bought the real ones.
* * *
I just found out I only have two weeks to live. Jesus, I wish my wife would go on longer vacations.
