Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
Q: During Communion, the priest hands out treats for the congregation to eat. These are supposed to represent the body of Christ. Why would Jesus ordain this?
A: Because he was the snackraficial lamb.
Historians become indignant when Jesus is portrayed as white, but the Communion wafer is proof positive. Yep, Jesus was a cracker.
Customer: "Hey waiter! My soup is cold!"
Waiter: "Sir, it's gazpacho."
Customer: "Hey gazpacho! My soup is cold!"
I spent all of my son's college fund on a complete set of Playboys. Ever since, I've felt like such a jerk.
Astronomer: "You flat-earthers are stupid! The Earth is round!"
Flat-Earther: "So is a pancake."
"The Hound of the Baskervilles" is a novel about a spectral, unkillable mongrel bent on vengeance. It terrified me... I couldn't put it down.
Hydra killed Tony Stark's parents on the cheap; it only cost them one Buck.
We never use our stupid fireplace anymore. I got so sick of looking at it, I started taking the front of it apart with a crowbar. My wife says I've gone stark-raving crazy; well, I guess I am going through a mantle breakdown.
Roman Catholics name their sons Christian; atheists name their sons Godfrey.
As an 80 year old, I don't eat fresh food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Pocahontas tells us to paint with all the colors of the wind, but that's pointless. The wind only has one color: blew.
Teacher says the new kid in our class is Mexican, but I'm pretty sure he's Greek. Everyone else is yelling at him, "Hey, Zeus!"
Interviewer: "Ever done any hard drugs?"
Interviewee: "Does Viagra count?"
I buy harmonicas by the case. That may seem like too many, but I blow right through 'em.
She: "Mother, I'm so mortified! Jim spent the whole of our luxury ship cruise drunk!"
He: "I told you not to pick a room on the port side!"
My wife sent me in for mental evaluation. When I got to the psychiatrist's office, I told him I wasn't her husband, I was a pair of lace curtains. He told me to pull myself together.
Our local paper printed a pack of lies about me, AND I'M GOING TO SUE! She isn't a lawyer, but she knows some dirty secrets about the editor.
My dead Uncle Frank was a kook! He left an inheritance, but only for those who'd chug a pint of beer from a mug containing a spoonful of his ashes. It's my turn now and I'm just not sure I can do it... Frank in stein is scary!
Customer: "I'm looking for a sexual sofa."
Salesman: "I'm sorry, sir... do you mean a sectional sofa?"
Customer: "Whatever. I just want an occasional piece in my living room."
Ever since I heard about it, I've wanted to get into the sex trade! I've got plenty of old collectibles I don't want anymore.
A game poacher had a heart attack and died out in the woods. Years later, his corpse was found with a family of rabbits living inside his ribcage. His name: Warren.
After working at Shakey's Pizza, my new job at Planned Parenthood should be a cinch! I'm already used to asking, "Take-out or delivery?"
A: Because he was the snackraficial lamb.
* * *
Historians become indignant when Jesus is portrayed as white, but the Communion wafer is proof positive. Yep, Jesus was a cracker.
* * *
Customer: "Hey waiter! My soup is cold!"
Waiter: "Sir, it's gazpacho."
Customer: "Hey gazpacho! My soup is cold!"
* * *
I spent all of my son's college fund on a complete set of Playboys. Ever since, I've felt like such a jerk.
* * *
Astronomer: "You flat-earthers are stupid! The Earth is round!"
Flat-Earther: "So is a pancake."
* * *
"The Hound of the Baskervilles" is a novel about a spectral, unkillable mongrel bent on vengeance. It terrified me... I couldn't put it down.
* * *
Hydra killed Tony Stark's parents on the cheap; it only cost them one Buck.
* * *
We never use our stupid fireplace anymore. I got so sick of looking at it, I started taking the front of it apart with a crowbar. My wife says I've gone stark-raving crazy; well, I guess I am going through a mantle breakdown.
* * *
Roman Catholics name their sons Christian; atheists name their sons Godfrey.
* * *
As an 80 year old, I don't eat fresh food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
* * *
Pocahontas tells us to paint with all the colors of the wind, but that's pointless. The wind only has one color: blew.
* * *
Teacher says the new kid in our class is Mexican, but I'm pretty sure he's Greek. Everyone else is yelling at him, "Hey, Zeus!"
* * *
Interviewer: "Ever done any hard drugs?"
Interviewee: "Does Viagra count?"
* * *
I buy harmonicas by the case. That may seem like too many, but I blow right through 'em.
* * *
She: "Mother, I'm so mortified! Jim spent the whole of our luxury ship cruise drunk!"
He: "I told you not to pick a room on the port side!"
* * *
My wife sent me in for mental evaluation. When I got to the psychiatrist's office, I told him I wasn't her husband, I was a pair of lace curtains. He told me to pull myself together.
* * *
Our local paper printed a pack of lies about me, AND I'M GOING TO SUE! She isn't a lawyer, but she knows some dirty secrets about the editor.
* * *
My dead Uncle Frank was a kook! He left an inheritance, but only for those who'd chug a pint of beer from a mug containing a spoonful of his ashes. It's my turn now and I'm just not sure I can do it... Frank in stein is scary!
* * *
Customer: "I'm looking for a sexual sofa."
Salesman: "I'm sorry, sir... do you mean a sectional sofa?"
Customer: "Whatever. I just want an occasional piece in my living room."
* * *
Ever since I heard about it, I've wanted to get into the sex trade! I've got plenty of old collectibles I don't want anymore.
* * *
A game poacher had a heart attack and died out in the woods. Years later, his corpse was found with a family of rabbits living inside his ribcage. His name: Warren.
* * *
After working at Shakey's Pizza, my new job at Planned Parenthood should be a cinch! I'm already used to asking, "Take-out or delivery?"
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