Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My wife left me because I spent so much time playing video games. Nowadays, I do it because I’ve come to enjoy it.
Wanna hear the fairy tale about a Bavarian virgin? Her name was Gutenteit.
Man, I nearly burned down the kitchen! Word of warning: when recipes says to grease the bottom of a pan, they mean the inside!
The high cost of living can be a weighty problem. Most folks don’t even try to budge it.
I wanna be one of those hip people who vacation at a bed-and-breakfast. They’re the inn crowd.
A trumpet player, a flute player and a drum player couldn’t get into their high school reunion. They were band.
My aged auntie always told me, “Slow and steady wins the race!” A lot of good that advice did her; she died in a house fire.
The actor who played Forrest Gump took part in a track meet. When it became clear he’d win, he turned to his fellow competitors and drawled to them, “Thanks in advance!”
That cute retail clerk must be interested in me. Last time I saw her, she was checking me out.
“I just love ‘Eye of the Tiger’!”
“Yeah? How about the other four letters?”
When I was growing up, my brother and I had nothing but table scraps. We’d fight constantly over who got the bigger steak.
Have you ever woken from a dream and felt that you were still asleep? There’s a fool-proof test for that. The next person you see, start telling them about the experience. If they seem interested, yeah, you’re dreaming.
Art teacher: “Class, I want you to paint with all the colors of the wind!”
One pupil, to another: “What the heck’s the color of the wind?”
Second pupil: “Blew.”
Yesterday while I was trimming the hedge, some guy walks right onto my lawn and gives me the finger. I’m glad he did; blood loss was making me too woozy to find it.
Blonde: “I need to get a movie ticket, please.”
Box office cashier: “But I just sold you one!”
Blonde: “I know. But some jerk at the door tore it in half!”
When I was a kid, I sure hated eating my greens. For some reason, they tasted much worse than the rest the of the crayons.
A farmer had a perfectly good wife, but he chose to spend more time with his hoe.
I’ve heard it said that one human year is equivalent to seven dog years. Damn mutts... trying to scam that many more birthday presents!
Patient: “So, how will I pay for this surgery?”
Doctor: “I charge by the incision.”
Patient: “Hey, what kind of cut-rate operation is this?”
I’ve called a suicide hotline, but I’ll never do that again. Not a single one of those clowns had any good advice about the best way to do it.
Stoics never get cavities; they’re implacable.
A redhead, and a brunette and a blonde stop their office work at noontime to eat their lunch. The redhead unwraps her sandwich, then reacts with disgust.
“Tuna again!” she growls. “I hate tuna! All my husband ever makes me is tuna sandwiches!”
The brunette likewise unwraps her sandwich. She too is appalled.
“Baloney again!” she snarls. “God, how I hate baloney! All my damned husband knows how to make are baloney sandwiches!”
Finally, the blonde unwraps her sandwich. She takes one look at it and shrieks, “Peanut butter and jelly again! Man, I sure do hate peanut butter and jelly!”
After a pause, the redhead asks, “Aren’t you going to rag on your husband about this?”
“Oh, no,” the blonde replies. “I made it myself.”[/FONT]
* * *
Wanna hear the fairy tale about a Bavarian virgin? Her name was Gutenteit.
* * *
Man, I nearly burned down the kitchen! Word of warning: when recipes says to grease the bottom of a pan, they mean the inside!
* * *
The high cost of living can be a weighty problem. Most folks don’t even try to budge it.
* * *
I wanna be one of those hip people who vacation at a bed-and-breakfast. They’re the inn crowd.
* * *
A trumpet player, a flute player and a drum player couldn’t get into their high school reunion. They were band.
* * *
My aged auntie always told me, “Slow and steady wins the race!” A lot of good that advice did her; she died in a house fire.
* * *
The actor who played Forrest Gump took part in a track meet. When it became clear he’d win, he turned to his fellow competitors and drawled to them, “Thanks in advance!”
* * *
That cute retail clerk must be interested in me. Last time I saw her, she was checking me out.
* * *
“I just love ‘Eye of the Tiger’!”
“Yeah? How about the other four letters?”
* * *
When I was growing up, my brother and I had nothing but table scraps. We’d fight constantly over who got the bigger steak.
* * *
Have you ever woken from a dream and felt that you were still asleep? There’s a fool-proof test for that. The next person you see, start telling them about the experience. If they seem interested, yeah, you’re dreaming.
* * *
Art teacher: “Class, I want you to paint with all the colors of the wind!”
One pupil, to another: “What the heck’s the color of the wind?”
Second pupil: “Blew.”
* * *
Yesterday while I was trimming the hedge, some guy walks right onto my lawn and gives me the finger. I’m glad he did; blood loss was making me too woozy to find it.
* * *
Blonde: “I need to get a movie ticket, please.”
Box office cashier: “But I just sold you one!”
Blonde: “I know. But some jerk at the door tore it in half!”
* * *
When I was a kid, I sure hated eating my greens. For some reason, they tasted much worse than the rest the of the crayons.
* * *
A farmer had a perfectly good wife, but he chose to spend more time with his hoe.
* * *
I’ve heard it said that one human year is equivalent to seven dog years. Damn mutts... trying to scam that many more birthday presents!
* * *
Patient: “So, how will I pay for this surgery?”
Doctor: “I charge by the incision.”
Patient: “Hey, what kind of cut-rate operation is this?”
* * *
I’ve called a suicide hotline, but I’ll never do that again. Not a single one of those clowns had any good advice about the best way to do it.
* * *
Stoics never get cavities; they’re implacable.
* * *
A redhead, and a brunette and a blonde stop their office work at noontime to eat their lunch. The redhead unwraps her sandwich, then reacts with disgust.
“Tuna again!” she growls. “I hate tuna! All my husband ever makes me is tuna sandwiches!”
The brunette likewise unwraps her sandwich. She too is appalled.
“Baloney again!” she snarls. “God, how I hate baloney! All my damned husband knows how to make are baloney sandwiches!”
Finally, the blonde unwraps her sandwich. She takes one look at it and shrieks, “Peanut butter and jelly again! Man, I sure do hate peanut butter and jelly!”
After a pause, the redhead asks, “Aren’t you going to rag on your husband about this?”
“Oh, no,” the blonde replies. “I made it myself.”[/FONT]
