Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
This national coin shortage is on the candidates' minds constantly. Just today I heard Biden say it's time for change.
Police have reports of a cat burglar entering his own house through the window. I've got to wonder how much he enjoys working at home.
If the word "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", there's only one proper way to prounounce "bomb"....
BOOM!
I'm not multilingual, so I tell all my jokes in English. I know that's not very broadminded, so here's one in Spanish:
Uno.
Contrary to rumor, Karl Marx did not invent the starter's pistol. It was his sister, Onya.
My brother was going to the supermarket, so I asked him to pick me up a couple of pears. For some reason, he brought me four.
Teacher: "Bobby, you gave almost exactly the same answers as Billy on that last history test, so I'm going to give you an F for cheating."
Bobby: "Hey, that ain't fair! How do you know he wasn't cheating off me?"
Teacher: "His answer to question 5 was, "I don't know." Yours was, "I don't know either."
My cousin's a successful clay sculpter, but he's also a smart-ass. Like, he's forever calling his shaping spatula a "poop knife". Jesus, he really needs to cut the crap!
The Republican party has come out strongly against mail-in voting. This is in stark contrast to the Dems, who have all gone postal.
My doctor told me not to sit around all the time or I'll gain weight. Good advice; I can stand to lose a few pounds.
Blonde: "I need to give my cat his worm pill, but the little monster keeps fighting me."
Brunette: "There's an easy solution: wrap it in bacon."
Blonde: "That's a stupid idea! Where am I gonna get enough bacon to wrap up a whole cat?"
Up till now, something's been missing from my sex life. And I've finally figured out what it is: consent.
Q: How often does a Smurf take his pants off?
A: Once in a Blue Moon.
I came face-to-face with a werewolf in the woods yesterday... either that or it was just some really hairy mountain man. Regardless, I'm here to tell you that silver bullets really do work!
Of all the 50 US states, only one of them was founded by a prostitute: I da ho.
Knight: "I shall slay the evil dragon who burned my brother to death! Who is with me?"
Warrior: "You have my sword!"
Elf: "And my bow!"
Dwarf: "And my ax!"
Necromancer: "And your dead brother!"
Q: When Alan Turing finally cracked the Enigma code, who supplied the celebratory food and drinks?
A: His sister, Kate.
Bill Clinton will go down in history as a philanderer. Don't forget, he spent his entire presidency between two Bushes.
Hear about the man who has five rabbits living in his stomach? Folks call him Warren.
I already knew that SCUBA was an acronym that stands for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but over the weekend I discovered what TUBA stands for: Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
Primitive native tribes used to honor a dead chieftan by throwing his wife into a volcano. Nowadays, happily for her, they're giving it a miss.
She: "Hey dummy, what have you done with my broom?"
He: "Nothing! I don't have the faintest idea where it is! If you need to go somewhere, just use the car."
* * *
Police have reports of a cat burglar entering his own house through the window. I've got to wonder how much he enjoys working at home.
* * *
If the word "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", there's only one proper way to prounounce "bomb"....
BOOM!
* * *
I'm not multilingual, so I tell all my jokes in English. I know that's not very broadminded, so here's one in Spanish:
Uno.
* * *
Contrary to rumor, Karl Marx did not invent the starter's pistol. It was his sister, Onya.
* * *
My brother was going to the supermarket, so I asked him to pick me up a couple of pears. For some reason, he brought me four.
* * *
Teacher: "Bobby, you gave almost exactly the same answers as Billy on that last history test, so I'm going to give you an F for cheating."
Bobby: "Hey, that ain't fair! How do you know he wasn't cheating off me?"
Teacher: "His answer to question 5 was, "I don't know." Yours was, "I don't know either."
* * *
My cousin's a successful clay sculpter, but he's also a smart-ass. Like, he's forever calling his shaping spatula a "poop knife". Jesus, he really needs to cut the crap!
* * *
The Republican party has come out strongly against mail-in voting. This is in stark contrast to the Dems, who have all gone postal.
* * *
My doctor told me not to sit around all the time or I'll gain weight. Good advice; I can stand to lose a few pounds.
* * *
Blonde: "I need to give my cat his worm pill, but the little monster keeps fighting me."
Brunette: "There's an easy solution: wrap it in bacon."
Blonde: "That's a stupid idea! Where am I gonna get enough bacon to wrap up a whole cat?"
* * *
Up till now, something's been missing from my sex life. And I've finally figured out what it is: consent.
* * *
Q: How often does a Smurf take his pants off?
A: Once in a Blue Moon.
* * *
I came face-to-face with a werewolf in the woods yesterday... either that or it was just some really hairy mountain man. Regardless, I'm here to tell you that silver bullets really do work!
* * *
Of all the 50 US states, only one of them was founded by a prostitute: I da ho.
* * *
Knight: "I shall slay the evil dragon who burned my brother to death! Who is with me?"
Warrior: "You have my sword!"
Elf: "And my bow!"
Dwarf: "And my ax!"
Necromancer: "And your dead brother!"
* * *
Q: When Alan Turing finally cracked the Enigma code, who supplied the celebratory food and drinks?
A: His sister, Kate.
* * *
Bill Clinton will go down in history as a philanderer. Don't forget, he spent his entire presidency between two Bushes.
* * *
Hear about the man who has five rabbits living in his stomach? Folks call him Warren.
* * *
I already knew that SCUBA was an acronym that stands for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but over the weekend I discovered what TUBA stands for: Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
* * *
Primitive native tribes used to honor a dead chieftan by throwing his wife into a volcano. Nowadays, happily for her, they're giving it a miss.
* * *
She: "Hey dummy, what have you done with my broom?"
He: "Nothing! I don't have the faintest idea where it is! If you need to go somewhere, just use the car."
