Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
So far, I've run over twenty marathons. I feel mostly great about it, although it can be a pain having to wash my bumper and tires constantly.
He: "So, honey... is this your first time?"
She: "Depends. Which page of the Kama Sutra did you want to use?"
My deaf brother's a bad seed. He's forever committing crimes, but has never gone to trial; he's unable to attend hearings.
Know the difference between a duckling and a dumpling? It's pretty simple, really. If you eat a duckling, it'll never turn into a duck.
My sister works as a spirit medium. She has psychic powers, all right, but they aren't very good; the only ghosts she can contact belong to deceased sports announcers. Experts have a special classification for her abilities: ESP-N.
First rule of Braggarts' Club: talk all you can about Braggarts' Club.
I was a well-reared youngster. Since the cops never found out about it, my uncle never went to prison.
"Did I hear right? Word is that last night at your archery range, you hurt your daughter terribly by firing her bow!"
"Yeah, I admit it. But he had it coming... the little twerp was too rude to the customers."
My girlfriend says she enjoys the simple things in life. Now that I think about it, that's not much of a compliment to me.
Think you're superior to a chicken? Well, just you try picking up a kernel of corn with your pecker!
On my birthday, my kids got a deluxe floor-mounted globe for my reading room. Such a thoughtful gift; it means the world to me.
Q: Which of the little piggies is French?
A: The one that goes "Oui, oui, oui!" all the way home.
I used to eat a small pizza for lunch, but after awhile I upgraded to a medium. A few weeks later, I started eating a large, then two extra-larges. Now I weigh 300 lbs... my doctor warned me about the Domino effect.
Doctor: "The shark that bit you swam through radioactive waters."
Patient: "I was bitten by a radioactive shark? Does that mean I'm gonna get shark powers?"
Doctor: "What it means is that you'll soon lose your legs."
Patient: "Wow! Just like a shark!"
My aunt owns a parrot that can speak over thirty different phrases. Unfortunately, everything it says is abusive and belittling. She calls it a parrot; really it's more of a mockingbird.
It's true that masochists don't barbeque with charcoal. They're propane all the way!
I had a weird experience this morning: a couple of pigeons were perched on my window sill and I shouted to scare them away. Image my amazement when both of them fell down stone dead! I guess the old saying is true... you really can kill two birds with one's tone.
A cat wanders into a veterinary office and screeches, "Meowww!"
"I figured that's why you were here," replied the vet. "But could you be more specific?"
The local vandal who's been stealing all our road signs has recently stepped up his activity. He's pulled out all the stops.
You know the guys who report the size of crowds? It occurs to me that I could probably do that job. I've always been curious about how many people have gotten into that field.
My grandad, who stayed healthy and vigorous right up until the last, always said, "Age is just a number!" His body may have been sound, but I think his mind was starting to go... age is certainly not a number: it's made out of letters.
Hitler arrives at the Gates of Heaven.
Hitler: "Hey! You in there! Open up!"
Jesus: "Don't be ridiculous! We can't let you in! You're Adolf Hitler!"
Hitler: "Come on, buddy! Open the gates! I vill see to it that you get the Iron Cross!"
Jesus: "Screw you! That damn wooden one hurt bad enough!"
* * *
He: "So, honey... is this your first time?"
She: "Depends. Which page of the Kama Sutra did you want to use?"
* * *
My deaf brother's a bad seed. He's forever committing crimes, but has never gone to trial; he's unable to attend hearings.
* * *
Know the difference between a duckling and a dumpling? It's pretty simple, really. If you eat a duckling, it'll never turn into a duck.
* * *
My sister works as a spirit medium. She has psychic powers, all right, but they aren't very good; the only ghosts she can contact belong to deceased sports announcers. Experts have a special classification for her abilities: ESP-N.
* * *
First rule of Braggarts' Club: talk all you can about Braggarts' Club.
* * *
I was a well-reared youngster. Since the cops never found out about it, my uncle never went to prison.
* * *
"Did I hear right? Word is that last night at your archery range, you hurt your daughter terribly by firing her bow!"
"Yeah, I admit it. But he had it coming... the little twerp was too rude to the customers."
* * *
My girlfriend says she enjoys the simple things in life. Now that I think about it, that's not much of a compliment to me.
* * *
Think you're superior to a chicken? Well, just you try picking up a kernel of corn with your pecker!
* * *
On my birthday, my kids got a deluxe floor-mounted globe for my reading room. Such a thoughtful gift; it means the world to me.
* * *
Q: Which of the little piggies is French?
A: The one that goes "Oui, oui, oui!" all the way home.
* * *
I used to eat a small pizza for lunch, but after awhile I upgraded to a medium. A few weeks later, I started eating a large, then two extra-larges. Now I weigh 300 lbs... my doctor warned me about the Domino effect.
* * *
Doctor: "The shark that bit you swam through radioactive waters."
Patient: "I was bitten by a radioactive shark? Does that mean I'm gonna get shark powers?"
Doctor: "What it means is that you'll soon lose your legs."
Patient: "Wow! Just like a shark!"
* * *
My aunt owns a parrot that can speak over thirty different phrases. Unfortunately, everything it says is abusive and belittling. She calls it a parrot; really it's more of a mockingbird.
* * *
It's true that masochists don't barbeque with charcoal. They're propane all the way!
* * *
I had a weird experience this morning: a couple of pigeons were perched on my window sill and I shouted to scare them away. Image my amazement when both of them fell down stone dead! I guess the old saying is true... you really can kill two birds with one's tone.
* * *
A cat wanders into a veterinary office and screeches, "Meowww!"
"I figured that's why you were here," replied the vet. "But could you be more specific?"
* * *
The local vandal who's been stealing all our road signs has recently stepped up his activity. He's pulled out all the stops.
* * *
You know the guys who report the size of crowds? It occurs to me that I could probably do that job. I've always been curious about how many people have gotten into that field.
* * *
My grandad, who stayed healthy and vigorous right up until the last, always said, "Age is just a number!" His body may have been sound, but I think his mind was starting to go... age is certainly not a number: it's made out of letters.
* * *
Hitler arrives at the Gates of Heaven.
Hitler: "Hey! You in there! Open up!"
Jesus: "Don't be ridiculous! We can't let you in! You're Adolf Hitler!"
Hitler: "Come on, buddy! Open the gates! I vill see to it that you get the Iron Cross!"
Jesus: "Screw you! That damn wooden one hurt bad enough!"
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