Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Icarus crashed when he flew back home from the sports bar. He really should have avoided those hot wings.
My barnyard rooster got tired of his harem of chickens and decided to use the local pet store as a dating service.
"What'll it be?" the store owner inquired. "A sweet little myna bird, maybe? Or how about a parakeet?"
Our rooster looked the selection over carefully, then stated his preference:
"A cockatoo will do."
The inhabitants of Easter Island carved huge monuments which they then carried great distances to the site of their installation. They got the idea from a tradition of the American Northwest Indians: totem poles.
My brother once went eight straight days without sleeping. Fortunately, he was able to catch up during the nights.
Teacher: "If it takes 8 men 10 days to build a wall, how many days will it take 4 men to build it?"
Student: "None. There's no point putting the 4 extra men to work if the darn thing's already built."
It takes me 10 minutes to walk from my house to the bar, but 30 minutes to walk from the bar back home. The time difference is simply staggering.
The American people's lack of interest in US history is appalling. Most of them can't even tell you where the Declaration of Independence was signed. And the answer's so obvious: at the bottom of the page!
Social worker: "And what is your exact age, sir?"
Octogenarian: "I"m exactly one day old."
Social worker: "Sir, please don't be difficult. Your son tells me you're in your 80s."
Octogenarian: "Hey, I ought to know. I've been around as long as I can remember."
Eventually, time will catch up with me. It has incentive... I've been killing time my whole life.
As soon as I left the farm for active military duty, my wife drove away with our brand new tractor. I found out all about it when she sent me a John Deere letter.
Our trail boss gave the camp cook a bow and quiver so that he could hunt up some meat for his famous Hellfire Chili. But Cooky was reluctant.
"No can do, boss," he explained. "No habanero."
In a supermarket checkout line, they always ask you "Paper or plastic?" That's because baggers can't be choosers.
My wife thinks I've got no talent, but it so happens I do really excellent impressions. If you doubt that, just check my living room couch.
Q: How does an Eskimo build his home?
A: Igloos it together.
I met my dream girl today. She told me to wake the hell up and go get a job.
Glycine is one compound with a bad attitude; he's a mean-o acid.
My uncle runs an Italian restaurant, and I'm chagrined to have to tell you that he steals back the pasta left on customers' plates for reuse. Yep, he's a cheapskate... pinches every penne.
Mars: "Hi Earth! How ya doin'?"
Earth: "Not so good... these damn parasites are driving me crazy."
Mars: "Yeah, I can tell. Looks like you're running a fever."
I was distressed to learn that my blond girlfriend attempted suicide. I found out when I went over to her apartment and saw six bullet holes in the mirror.
Ever hear about that document the champion barbecue chef keeps... the one that holds a written account of every piece of beef he ever prepared? I'll bet you have; it's called the sears cattle log.
Sis has a photographic memory. Unfortunately, it's full of selfies.
Hayden: "My new piano concerto doesn't sound quite right. What instruments should I add to fix it?"
Mozart: "Hmmm... I'm not sure. But remember: "violins" is never the answer."
* * *
My barnyard rooster got tired of his harem of chickens and decided to use the local pet store as a dating service.
"What'll it be?" the store owner inquired. "A sweet little myna bird, maybe? Or how about a parakeet?"
Our rooster looked the selection over carefully, then stated his preference:
"A cockatoo will do."
* * *
The inhabitants of Easter Island carved huge monuments which they then carried great distances to the site of their installation. They got the idea from a tradition of the American Northwest Indians: totem poles.
* * *
My brother once went eight straight days without sleeping. Fortunately, he was able to catch up during the nights.
* * *
Teacher: "If it takes 8 men 10 days to build a wall, how many days will it take 4 men to build it?"
Student: "None. There's no point putting the 4 extra men to work if the darn thing's already built."
* * *
It takes me 10 minutes to walk from my house to the bar, but 30 minutes to walk from the bar back home. The time difference is simply staggering.
* * *
The American people's lack of interest in US history is appalling. Most of them can't even tell you where the Declaration of Independence was signed. And the answer's so obvious: at the bottom of the page!
* * *
Social worker: "And what is your exact age, sir?"
Octogenarian: "I"m exactly one day old."
Social worker: "Sir, please don't be difficult. Your son tells me you're in your 80s."
Octogenarian: "Hey, I ought to know. I've been around as long as I can remember."
* * *
Eventually, time will catch up with me. It has incentive... I've been killing time my whole life.
* * *
As soon as I left the farm for active military duty, my wife drove away with our brand new tractor. I found out all about it when she sent me a John Deere letter.
* * *
Our trail boss gave the camp cook a bow and quiver so that he could hunt up some meat for his famous Hellfire Chili. But Cooky was reluctant.
"No can do, boss," he explained. "No habanero."
* * *
In a supermarket checkout line, they always ask you "Paper or plastic?" That's because baggers can't be choosers.
* * *
My wife thinks I've got no talent, but it so happens I do really excellent impressions. If you doubt that, just check my living room couch.
* * *
Q: How does an Eskimo build his home?
A: Igloos it together.
* * *
I met my dream girl today. She told me to wake the hell up and go get a job.
* * *
Glycine is one compound with a bad attitude; he's a mean-o acid.
* * *
My uncle runs an Italian restaurant, and I'm chagrined to have to tell you that he steals back the pasta left on customers' plates for reuse. Yep, he's a cheapskate... pinches every penne.
* * *
Mars: "Hi Earth! How ya doin'?"
Earth: "Not so good... these damn parasites are driving me crazy."
Mars: "Yeah, I can tell. Looks like you're running a fever."
* * *
I was distressed to learn that my blond girlfriend attempted suicide. I found out when I went over to her apartment and saw six bullet holes in the mirror.
* * *
Ever hear about that document the champion barbecue chef keeps... the one that holds a written account of every piece of beef he ever prepared? I'll bet you have; it's called the sears cattle log.
* * *
Sis has a photographic memory. Unfortunately, it's full of selfies.
* * *
Hayden: "My new piano concerto doesn't sound quite right. What instruments should I add to fix it?"
Mozart: "Hmmm... I'm not sure. But remember: "violins" is never the answer."
Last edited:
