Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
A man walked into a bank brandishing a boa constrictor. Police response was limited because the perpetrator was unarmed.
On my last trip to see the dentist, he put caps on all my teeth. That's had it's good and bad effects; I'm chewing all right again, but now I can't speak without shouting.
Q: There's one word in the English language that people never fail to pronounce incorrectly. Which word is it?
A: Incorrectly.
As part of my Chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand word essay on acid. It was going just fine until my pen turned into a snake.
The Avengers all ended up in jail... none of them bothered to figure out the age of Ultron.
I finally broke down and bought a camera that can take panoramic pictures. I was tired of not having any photos of my wife.
Q: What's the difference between a burro and a burrow?
A: If you don't know, you can't tell your ass from a hole in the ground.
My Romanian neighbor was proud of being the descendent of a national patriot until he found out it was Vlad Dracula. Now he can't even look at himself him the mirror.
Bambi really missed his mother. That's opposed to the hunter, who didn't miss her at all.
To celebrate our last anniversary, I gave my wife a box of moth balls. In return, she gave me a case of blue ones.
Q: Will cannibals eat a man reading a letter?
A: Yes. Readers digest.
Q: Will cannibals eat a man writing a letter?
A: No. Writers cramp.
I've heard it said that Jesus died for our sins. Guess I better get busy... I'd hate for him to have gone through all that for nothing.
Anti-vaxxers are blind to the benefits of flu shots. They just don't see the point.
My brother insists on calling himself an architect, even though he hasn't yet graduated from architectural school. That annoys me so much... it's like a medical student calling himself a doctor, or a philosophy major calling himself unemployed.
Hotel patron: "This is a little embarrassing. I just got back from dinner and I'm very forgetful. Could you tell me which room I'm in please?"
Blond receptionist: "Certainly, sir. You're in the lobby."
Donald Trump will be writing a book about his COVID infection. The title's going to be "Mein Cough".
While Donald Trump was holed up in his sick bed, Joe Biden worked his way through three whole states. Those states were distracted, confused and self-deluded.
If you can just manage to remember the first four letters of the alphabet, the rest is E-Z.
If you're eager to become a spirit medium but don't want to be bothered by skeptics, set up shop in a mining town. All of the residents down there are pro specters.
Rounding up cattle is easier than people think. Anyway, that's what I herd.
The White Star Line touted a trip on the Titanic as a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Well, you sure couldn't accuse them of false advertising.
I'm getting sick to death of hearing about Roe vs Wade. I don't care which side you're on, I just can't stand de fetus attitudes.
* * *
On my last trip to see the dentist, he put caps on all my teeth. That's had it's good and bad effects; I'm chewing all right again, but now I can't speak without shouting.
* * *
Q: There's one word in the English language that people never fail to pronounce incorrectly. Which word is it?
A: Incorrectly.
* * *
As part of my Chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand word essay on acid. It was going just fine until my pen turned into a snake.
* * *
The Avengers all ended up in jail... none of them bothered to figure out the age of Ultron.
* * *
I finally broke down and bought a camera that can take panoramic pictures. I was tired of not having any photos of my wife.
* * *
Q: What's the difference between a burro and a burrow?
A: If you don't know, you can't tell your ass from a hole in the ground.
* * *
My Romanian neighbor was proud of being the descendent of a national patriot until he found out it was Vlad Dracula. Now he can't even look at himself him the mirror.
* * *
Bambi really missed his mother. That's opposed to the hunter, who didn't miss her at all.
* * *
To celebrate our last anniversary, I gave my wife a box of moth balls. In return, she gave me a case of blue ones.
* * *
Q: Will cannibals eat a man reading a letter?
A: Yes. Readers digest.
Q: Will cannibals eat a man writing a letter?
A: No. Writers cramp.
* * *
I've heard it said that Jesus died for our sins. Guess I better get busy... I'd hate for him to have gone through all that for nothing.
* * *
Anti-vaxxers are blind to the benefits of flu shots. They just don't see the point.
* * *
My brother insists on calling himself an architect, even though he hasn't yet graduated from architectural school. That annoys me so much... it's like a medical student calling himself a doctor, or a philosophy major calling himself unemployed.
* * *
Hotel patron: "This is a little embarrassing. I just got back from dinner and I'm very forgetful. Could you tell me which room I'm in please?"
Blond receptionist: "Certainly, sir. You're in the lobby."
* * *
Donald Trump will be writing a book about his COVID infection. The title's going to be "Mein Cough".
* * *
While Donald Trump was holed up in his sick bed, Joe Biden worked his way through three whole states. Those states were distracted, confused and self-deluded.
* * *
If you can just manage to remember the first four letters of the alphabet, the rest is E-Z.
* * *
If you're eager to become a spirit medium but don't want to be bothered by skeptics, set up shop in a mining town. All of the residents down there are pro specters.
* * *
Rounding up cattle is easier than people think. Anyway, that's what I herd.
* * *
The White Star Line touted a trip on the Titanic as a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Well, you sure couldn't accuse them of false advertising.
* * *
I'm getting sick to death of hearing about Roe vs Wade. I don't care which side you're on, I just can't stand de fetus attitudes.
