Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
It's important that condemned prisoners be given a last meal before the execution. It helps them digest right.
Night after night, I have a recurring dream that I'm stranded on a deserted island. There are no wild animals to hunt, only fruit trees, and I'm forced to become a vegan. It's the worst nightmare I've ever had... there's no one else around I can tell!
The difference between the Millennium Falcon and the Millennial Falcon: the Millennial Falcon expects a medal no matter how slowly it performs the Kessel Run.
I could tell my car was being followed, so I made a beeline for my local police station. The cops were quite supportive... they said they'd gotten sick to death of chasing me.
As mighty Caesar stood on his villa terrace watching the leaves turn brown and drop from the trees, he gave out a weary sigh. It was no fun watching the fall of the Roman Empire.
I was with a team of ghost hunters examining an abandoned, haunted hotel, when I spotted a spirit in the long disused laundry room. To my amazement, his sheets were completely wrinkle free! What irony!
The Brain from planet Arous floats into a saloon and orders a whisky.
"You think I'd serve a drink to someone like you?" the bartender blusters. "You must be outta your skull!"
From what I hear, the newest season of "Stranger Things" will be set in Australia. In it, the protagonists will be fighting monsters from the Rightside Up.
Feeling cranky? For anger issues, take Damitol.
I have the most unusual collection of socks in the neighborhood! It's an unmatched selection!
Cop: "Ma'am, I know it's going to be unpleasant, but we'd like you to help us ID this body."
Clerk: "Okay... if you insist. Excuse, me sir. Can you prove you're over 21?"
Ever see that '70s movie about the Habsburg Dynasty? I think it's called "Jaws".
Many who write on the internet fail to include punctuation, either to streamline their message or through difficulty in finding the right keys. This is a mistake; proper punctuation is necessary for conveying nuance and precise meaning. Here is an example to demonstrate; first, the non-punctuated message:
"sometimes I feel like my wife and I couldn't be happier"
Now, the same line with proper punctuation:
"Sometimes I feel like my wife! And I couldn't be happier!"
Thanks to my rabid gambling addiction, I'll never see my wife and kids again. I won the lottery and have moved to Paris.
Q: What's the most important part of the Popemobile?
A: The Catholytic Converter.
My ex-wife up in Oregon just died in a car crash. It's so damned upsetting... why can't my ex-wife in Idaho follow her good example?
Q: How do you kill a vegan vampire?
A: Use a steak. It goes right through his heart.
Rock 'n' roll lost Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper way back in 1959. Such a tragedy! They may have seemed like highflyers, but they were all such down-to-earth guys!
Brunette: "My boyfriend tells me I'm one in a million!"
Blonde: "Oh, I'm sure it's not that many! Far as I can tell, I'm only sixth on the list."
Farmer: "All in all, ya been a pretty good horse. Ya worked hard all yer life and done ever'thing I asked of ya. But with age, yu've slowed down a might. I only wish you could pull the plow a bit faster."
Horse: "Dammit! I said 'feedbag', not 'feedback'!"
Q: Why did the Heaven's Gate cult commit mass suicide?
A: They felt compelled to keep up with the Joneses.
Ma: "Run on down to the well, boy, an' fetch me a pailful."
Boy: "Ma, there's a snake in the well!"
Ma: "Don't you fret none... that snake is more scared a' you than you are of it."
Boy: "If it's that durned scared, I sure don't plan ta drink any a' that water!"
* * *
Night after night, I have a recurring dream that I'm stranded on a deserted island. There are no wild animals to hunt, only fruit trees, and I'm forced to become a vegan. It's the worst nightmare I've ever had... there's no one else around I can tell!
* * *
The difference between the Millennium Falcon and the Millennial Falcon: the Millennial Falcon expects a medal no matter how slowly it performs the Kessel Run.
* * *
I could tell my car was being followed, so I made a beeline for my local police station. The cops were quite supportive... they said they'd gotten sick to death of chasing me.
* * *
As mighty Caesar stood on his villa terrace watching the leaves turn brown and drop from the trees, he gave out a weary sigh. It was no fun watching the fall of the Roman Empire.
* * *
I was with a team of ghost hunters examining an abandoned, haunted hotel, when I spotted a spirit in the long disused laundry room. To my amazement, his sheets were completely wrinkle free! What irony!
* * *
The Brain from planet Arous floats into a saloon and orders a whisky.
"You think I'd serve a drink to someone like you?" the bartender blusters. "You must be outta your skull!"
* * *
From what I hear, the newest season of "Stranger Things" will be set in Australia. In it, the protagonists will be fighting monsters from the Rightside Up.
* * *
Feeling cranky? For anger issues, take Damitol.
* * *
I have the most unusual collection of socks in the neighborhood! It's an unmatched selection!
* * *
Cop: "Ma'am, I know it's going to be unpleasant, but we'd like you to help us ID this body."
Clerk: "Okay... if you insist. Excuse, me sir. Can you prove you're over 21?"
* * *
Ever see that '70s movie about the Habsburg Dynasty? I think it's called "Jaws".
* * *
Many who write on the internet fail to include punctuation, either to streamline their message or through difficulty in finding the right keys. This is a mistake; proper punctuation is necessary for conveying nuance and precise meaning. Here is an example to demonstrate; first, the non-punctuated message:
"sometimes I feel like my wife and I couldn't be happier"
Now, the same line with proper punctuation:
"Sometimes I feel like my wife! And I couldn't be happier!"
* * *
Thanks to my rabid gambling addiction, I'll never see my wife and kids again. I won the lottery and have moved to Paris.
* * *
Q: What's the most important part of the Popemobile?
A: The Catholytic Converter.
* * *
My ex-wife up in Oregon just died in a car crash. It's so damned upsetting... why can't my ex-wife in Idaho follow her good example?
* * *
Q: How do you kill a vegan vampire?
A: Use a steak. It goes right through his heart.
* * *
Rock 'n' roll lost Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper way back in 1959. Such a tragedy! They may have seemed like highflyers, but they were all such down-to-earth guys!
* * *
Brunette: "My boyfriend tells me I'm one in a million!"
Blonde: "Oh, I'm sure it's not that many! Far as I can tell, I'm only sixth on the list."
* * *
Farmer: "All in all, ya been a pretty good horse. Ya worked hard all yer life and done ever'thing I asked of ya. But with age, yu've slowed down a might. I only wish you could pull the plow a bit faster."
Horse: "Dammit! I said 'feedbag', not 'feedback'!"
* * *
Q: Why did the Heaven's Gate cult commit mass suicide?
A: They felt compelled to keep up with the Joneses.
* * *
Ma: "Run on down to the well, boy, an' fetch me a pailful."
Boy: "Ma, there's a snake in the well!"
Ma: "Don't you fret none... that snake is more scared a' you than you are of it."
Boy: "If it's that durned scared, I sure don't plan ta drink any a' that water!"
