Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
Mom says I should change my goldfish's water regularly. I know it's common practice to switch these pets into temporary containers while scrubbing algae off the glass, but I just don't have the heart to commit a disembowling.
Teacher: "So, can anyone give me an example of a paradigm shift?"
Student: "Sure, teach! That would be like four nickels or twenty pennies."
I play rounds at our local country club and the golf pro has been trying to help me improve my drive. Problem is, he's a big guy and reaches clear around me, hugging onto me tightly to guide my movement. I'm not ungrateful, but sorry... I just don't swing that way.
If you don't know how to swim, there's no point in taking a shower before entering the ocean. You'll probably just wash up on the beach.
Ever since I was a kid, I've been scolded for talking with my mouth full of food. One of my brothers happens to be deaf; how come nobody complains when he signs while holding a chicken leg?
Julius Caesar wasn't sure if he should cross the Rubicon River with his armies, so he decided to sleep on it. The rest, as they say, was history.
Last night I dreamed that I was James Bond. It was a nightmare that scared me rather than inspired me... I was shaken, not stirred.
Tiger: "Hey bartender! Gimme a beer!"
Barkeep: "Sorry, I can't serve you."
Tiger: "Why the hell not? I see a couple of lions lapping up suds in the corner!"
Barkeep: "I know, but they haven't been barred."
With my wife out of town, I put my iPhone under my pillow so I wouldn't miss any of her late night calls. In the morning, the phone was gone and a dollar bill was in its place. Damn! I completely forgot about the Bluetooth Fairy!
A wino wakes up in a jail cell.
"What am I doing here?" he bellows at a cop.
"You're in there for excessive drinking," the officer yells back.
"Great!" the bum crows. "I didn't know you guys served!"
While I was out mowing the lawn, my five year old got into the change jar and swallowed a bunch of coins. I don't know what denomination they were... I'll just have to figure it out through the process of elimination.
Jesus hated getting socks for Christmas. He knew they'd have holes in them by Easter.
Me and a few friends had dinner at the new cannibal-themed restaurant in town. Lord, I didn't know it would be so expensive... over $50 a head.
"I swore to my father on his deathbed that I'd name my firstborn son after him."
"What a nice tradition! I'd like to meet the boy sometime!"
"No problem! Get in here, Daddy!"
My wife's gym membership costs $99.99 a year. That's way too much... almost $50 a visit!
A woodcutter approaches a likely young oak that could supply months of kindling for his village, when he hears a voice.
"Don't chop me down!" the oak pleads. "I'm not a regular tree! I'm a magic talking tree!"
"A talking tree?" the woodcutter responds. "Then dialogue!"
Every family needs a leader; in mine, that would be me. I'm the one who makes all the decisions; no other opinions are even considered. If you don't believe me, just ask my wife... she told me I could say so.
This household is run like the military: I'm the general and my wife is the major. She makes all the major decisions, while I make the general ones.
I've tried to figure out military hierarchy, but to no avail. Every time I ask what the lowest army rank is, I'm told that it's private.
I had a great time at our Halloween party, so much so that I told our host that we should have one every month! We probably won't, though... he told me it was a freak event.
My blond girlfriend and I are perfectly matched: I have a 9 inch dick... she doesn't know which end of the ruler to start measuring from.
I just found out that my girlfriend and her sister stole my credit card so they could get breast enhancement treatments! Just wait till I get my hands on 'em!
* * *
Teacher: "So, can anyone give me an example of a paradigm shift?"
Student: "Sure, teach! That would be like four nickels or twenty pennies."
* * *
I play rounds at our local country club and the golf pro has been trying to help me improve my drive. Problem is, he's a big guy and reaches clear around me, hugging onto me tightly to guide my movement. I'm not ungrateful, but sorry... I just don't swing that way.
* * *
If you don't know how to swim, there's no point in taking a shower before entering the ocean. You'll probably just wash up on the beach.
* * *
Ever since I was a kid, I've been scolded for talking with my mouth full of food. One of my brothers happens to be deaf; how come nobody complains when he signs while holding a chicken leg?
* * *
Julius Caesar wasn't sure if he should cross the Rubicon River with his armies, so he decided to sleep on it. The rest, as they say, was history.
* * *
Last night I dreamed that I was James Bond. It was a nightmare that scared me rather than inspired me... I was shaken, not stirred.
* * *
Tiger: "Hey bartender! Gimme a beer!"
Barkeep: "Sorry, I can't serve you."
Tiger: "Why the hell not? I see a couple of lions lapping up suds in the corner!"
Barkeep: "I know, but they haven't been barred."
* * *
With my wife out of town, I put my iPhone under my pillow so I wouldn't miss any of her late night calls. In the morning, the phone was gone and a dollar bill was in its place. Damn! I completely forgot about the Bluetooth Fairy!
* * *
A wino wakes up in a jail cell.
"What am I doing here?" he bellows at a cop.
"You're in there for excessive drinking," the officer yells back.
"Great!" the bum crows. "I didn't know you guys served!"
* * *
While I was out mowing the lawn, my five year old got into the change jar and swallowed a bunch of coins. I don't know what denomination they were... I'll just have to figure it out through the process of elimination.
* * *
Jesus hated getting socks for Christmas. He knew they'd have holes in them by Easter.
* * *
Me and a few friends had dinner at the new cannibal-themed restaurant in town. Lord, I didn't know it would be so expensive... over $50 a head.
* * *
"I swore to my father on his deathbed that I'd name my firstborn son after him."
"What a nice tradition! I'd like to meet the boy sometime!"
"No problem! Get in here, Daddy!"
* * *
My wife's gym membership costs $99.99 a year. That's way too much... almost $50 a visit!
* * *
A woodcutter approaches a likely young oak that could supply months of kindling for his village, when he hears a voice.
"Don't chop me down!" the oak pleads. "I'm not a regular tree! I'm a magic talking tree!"
"A talking tree?" the woodcutter responds. "Then dialogue!"
* * *
Every family needs a leader; in mine, that would be me. I'm the one who makes all the decisions; no other opinions are even considered. If you don't believe me, just ask my wife... she told me I could say so.
* * *
This household is run like the military: I'm the general and my wife is the major. She makes all the major decisions, while I make the general ones.
* * *
I've tried to figure out military hierarchy, but to no avail. Every time I ask what the lowest army rank is, I'm told that it's private.
* * *
I had a great time at our Halloween party, so much so that I told our host that we should have one every month! We probably won't, though... he told me it was a freak event.
* * *
My blond girlfriend and I are perfectly matched: I have a 9 inch dick... she doesn't know which end of the ruler to start measuring from.
* * *
I just found out that my girlfriend and her sister stole my credit card so they could get breast enhancement treatments! Just wait till I get my hands on 'em!
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