Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Horses are measured in "hands" instead of feet. That's because you can't walk up the side of a horse.
My brother must have had a bad reaction to his marijuana. The doctor says he's suffering from blunt trauma.
When you hear cries of "Oh! Oh! Oh!" coming out of the sky, you'll know it's a sign... a sign that Santa's harnessed up his reindeer backwards this year.
My doctor warned me that I better start eating whole foods if I want to stay healthy. So I'm following his advice; I've begun by eating a whole gallon of chocolate ice cream.
He: "But you've always said that if anything should happen to you, I should start dating again!"
She: "Jackass! My car getting stuck in traffic is not what I was talking about!"
I used to go out planking when I was younger. It was a pastime I picked up at boarding school.
Q: In which battle was Lord Horatio Nelson killed?
A: His last one.
You have to feel sorry for brides... they never get to marry the best man.
My British pen pal won 2000 pounds in the National Lottery. Man, that's a ton of money!
Q: What did Jesus say to his disciples during the Last Supper?
A: "Ya'll better shift to this side of the table if you want to show up good in the picture."
Hear about the pregnant woman who gave birth to a baby boy in the cab? She's going to name him Carson.
When I took my kids trick-or-treating, we met with a lot of resentment. Damn it, you don't have to remind me, it's been in the news! I know it's November now!
Q: Which Sesame Street character died of Lyme Disease?
A: Tick-kill-me Elmo.
.One of South Korea's most popular car models started out as a morgue wagon used for transporting dead soldiers. I'm sure you know the one I mean: KIA.
Billy: "Teach, can I use the bathroom? I gotta go bad right now!"
Teacher: "Don't you mean 'may'?"
Billy: "No ma'am! I can't wait that long!"
I understand Shakespeare was really volatile when he was working. He was constantly making a scene.
Q: What did God do when he got ahold of a McRib?
A: He made the first McWoman.
If you need caviar for a party or event, I know the perfect guy. You should do your very best to get ahold of Sal Monroe.
Dentist: "Open up, please."
Patient: "Sure, doc. Sometimes, I feel unaccountably depressed... "
A few days ago, tornado warnings were issued for the Bronx and Manhattan. Authorities didn't want an unsuspecting tornado to get caught in the Bronx.
During my college years, I was shocked that a fraternity rejected me simply because I'd been circumcised. I didn't realize they were looking for complete dicks.
Recent studies show that children are more at risk during bear confrontations than adults. As a result, new guidelines have been drawn up detailing the proper procedure parents should follow when walking in the woods with youngsters:
1. If you see a bear, raise up to your full height to seem intimidating.
2. Strike the skull sharply with a walking stick or tree branch to incapacitate him.
3. Once unconscious, throw him at the bear and escape.
* * *
My brother must have had a bad reaction to his marijuana. The doctor says he's suffering from blunt trauma.
* * *
When you hear cries of "Oh! Oh! Oh!" coming out of the sky, you'll know it's a sign... a sign that Santa's harnessed up his reindeer backwards this year.
* * *
My doctor warned me that I better start eating whole foods if I want to stay healthy. So I'm following his advice; I've begun by eating a whole gallon of chocolate ice cream.
* * *
He: "But you've always said that if anything should happen to you, I should start dating again!"
She: "Jackass! My car getting stuck in traffic is not what I was talking about!"
* * *
I used to go out planking when I was younger. It was a pastime I picked up at boarding school.
* * *
Q: In which battle was Lord Horatio Nelson killed?
A: His last one.
* * *
You have to feel sorry for brides... they never get to marry the best man.
* * *
My British pen pal won 2000 pounds in the National Lottery. Man, that's a ton of money!
* * *
Q: What did Jesus say to his disciples during the Last Supper?
A: "Ya'll better shift to this side of the table if you want to show up good in the picture."
* * *
Hear about the pregnant woman who gave birth to a baby boy in the cab? She's going to name him Carson.
* * *
When I took my kids trick-or-treating, we met with a lot of resentment. Damn it, you don't have to remind me, it's been in the news! I know it's November now!
* * *
Q: Which Sesame Street character died of Lyme Disease?
A: Tick-kill-me Elmo.
* * *
.One of South Korea's most popular car models started out as a morgue wagon used for transporting dead soldiers. I'm sure you know the one I mean: KIA.
* * *
Billy: "Teach, can I use the bathroom? I gotta go bad right now!"
Teacher: "Don't you mean 'may'?"
Billy: "No ma'am! I can't wait that long!"
* * *
I understand Shakespeare was really volatile when he was working. He was constantly making a scene.
* * *
Q: What did God do when he got ahold of a McRib?
A: He made the first McWoman.
* * *
If you need caviar for a party or event, I know the perfect guy. You should do your very best to get ahold of Sal Monroe.
* * *
Dentist: "Open up, please."
Patient: "Sure, doc. Sometimes, I feel unaccountably depressed... "
* * *
A few days ago, tornado warnings were issued for the Bronx and Manhattan. Authorities didn't want an unsuspecting tornado to get caught in the Bronx.
* * *
During my college years, I was shocked that a fraternity rejected me simply because I'd been circumcised. I didn't realize they were looking for complete dicks.
* * *
Recent studies show that children are more at risk during bear confrontations than adults. As a result, new guidelines have been drawn up detailing the proper procedure parents should follow when walking in the woods with youngsters:
1. If you see a bear, raise up to your full height to seem intimidating.
2. Strike the skull sharply with a walking stick or tree branch to incapacitate him.
3. Once unconscious, throw him at the bear and escape.
