Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I really ought to quit drinking, but I just can’t handle a 12 step program. Why, oh why, did they have to put the AA office on the second floor?
Tutankhamen, the Boy King of Egypt, was so deranged, he believed his teacher to be a dangerous local animal, the fearsome river horse. It’s not known where this delusion came from; experts suspect the hippocampus.
When I’m done cooking, my son always licks the spoon. Jesus, I wish he’d buy his own damn heroin!
“So, your girlfriend gave you a massage for Valentines Day?”
“Yes. It was deeply touching.”
The cavalry officer received a flaming arrow in the chest. It was both heartbreaking and heartwarming.
I bought an origami kit from the craft store, but the instructions weren’t included. How odd... I don’t know what to make of it.
It’s a proven fact that gals hit puberty far sooner than guys. Females develop tits around age thirteen; males don’t get them till they’re in their forties.
“I just read that a cow has four stomachs.”
“Which book did that come from?”
“Graze Anatomy.”
Our cat got caught high up in a tree; that’s where he stashes the catnip.
Most parts of the US recognize Black Friday... all but the deepest parts of the South. There, they only honor Robinson Crusoe.
I used to eat marijuana brownies, but not anymore. I was developing a pot belly.
Architects were responsible for most of the gunfights in the Wild West... why didn’t they just make towns big enough for everyone?
I may be grossly overweight, but I’m not worried about it. I can slim down anytime I want to. My wife’s a big help; she never stops reminding me I’m a loser.
Cannibal customer: “This stew is a bit bland.”
Cannibal chef: “Okay. I’ll throw in a few more Herbs.”
Last night while I was out drinking, I was stunned to see a sister from the local Catholic ministry saunter in and get absolutely plastered. It was the most shocking thing I’ve ever seen, bar nun.
Our local priest lost the church cross right before services and feverishly tried to make a new one with parts he salvaged from a ladder. He needn’t have bothered: two rungs don’t make a rite.
Teacher: “Little Johnny, did you just pick your nose?”
Johnny: “No ma’am. Genetics took care of that for me.”
I was sexually active at 12. Unfortunately, at 12:05 I was done.
Ever shot a gun? I don’t know why you’d bother. Unless they’re being brandished, the darned things aren’t any threat to you.
“I just heard this wild rumor that you had your testicles dyed in sparkly colors.”
“Yeah... pretty nuts.”
The grocery store offered anorexic turkeys for Thanksgiving this year. They were cheap, but half-baked and desperately in need of stuffing.
I joined the army shortly before the war. 1939: I met my first wife. 1942: I married for the second time. Finally... 1955: I got together with the woman I’d stay with the rest of my life. Let me tell you, it was one wacky evening![/FONT]
* * *
Tutankhamen, the Boy King of Egypt, was so deranged, he believed his teacher to be a dangerous local animal, the fearsome river horse. It’s not known where this delusion came from; experts suspect the hippocampus.
* * *
When I’m done cooking, my son always licks the spoon. Jesus, I wish he’d buy his own damn heroin!
* * *
“So, your girlfriend gave you a massage for Valentines Day?”
“Yes. It was deeply touching.”
* * *
The cavalry officer received a flaming arrow in the chest. It was both heartbreaking and heartwarming.
* * *
I bought an origami kit from the craft store, but the instructions weren’t included. How odd... I don’t know what to make of it.
* * *
It’s a proven fact that gals hit puberty far sooner than guys. Females develop tits around age thirteen; males don’t get them till they’re in their forties.
* * *
“I just read that a cow has four stomachs.”
“Which book did that come from?”
“Graze Anatomy.”
* * *
Our cat got caught high up in a tree; that’s where he stashes the catnip.
* * *
Most parts of the US recognize Black Friday... all but the deepest parts of the South. There, they only honor Robinson Crusoe.
* * *
I used to eat marijuana brownies, but not anymore. I was developing a pot belly.
* * *
Architects were responsible for most of the gunfights in the Wild West... why didn’t they just make towns big enough for everyone?
* * *
I may be grossly overweight, but I’m not worried about it. I can slim down anytime I want to. My wife’s a big help; she never stops reminding me I’m a loser.
* * *
Cannibal customer: “This stew is a bit bland.”
Cannibal chef: “Okay. I’ll throw in a few more Herbs.”
* * *
Last night while I was out drinking, I was stunned to see a sister from the local Catholic ministry saunter in and get absolutely plastered. It was the most shocking thing I’ve ever seen, bar nun.
* * *
Our local priest lost the church cross right before services and feverishly tried to make a new one with parts he salvaged from a ladder. He needn’t have bothered: two rungs don’t make a rite.
* * *
Teacher: “Little Johnny, did you just pick your nose?”
Johnny: “No ma’am. Genetics took care of that for me.”
* * *
I was sexually active at 12. Unfortunately, at 12:05 I was done.
* * *
Ever shot a gun? I don’t know why you’d bother. Unless they’re being brandished, the darned things aren’t any threat to you.
* * *
“I just heard this wild rumor that you had your testicles dyed in sparkly colors.”
“Yeah... pretty nuts.”
* * *
The grocery store offered anorexic turkeys for Thanksgiving this year. They were cheap, but half-baked and desperately in need of stuffing.
* * *
I joined the army shortly before the war. 1939: I met my first wife. 1942: I married for the second time. Finally... 1955: I got together with the woman I’d stay with the rest of my life. Let me tell you, it was one wacky evening![/FONT]
Last edited:
