Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,918
- Points
- 38
Bart walks into a bar. The bartender kills him immediately.
I was given a ticket today for wreckless driving! Isn't that what the damn CHP wants?
Barfly #1: "Hey, I saw a guy passed out on the asphalt! Guess we better call an ambulance, huh?"
Barfly #2: "Don't worry about him. That's Charlie. He just left... said it was time for him to hit the road."
It's true that two wrongs don't make a right. It's also true that three lefts do.
Q: Why wasn't there any demand for US porn in the Soviet Union?
A: The Russians found it to be so unrealistic; like you could really get a plumber or delivery man to show up at your house in less than two years!
My aunt's a psychic. If ever she needs anything for her business, there are dozens of specialty shops to serve her. Not like in the old days... she had to order everything from the Seer's Catalog.
In the summer months, Dr. Jekyll would bolster his formula with Gatorade. It was the ideal way to remain Hyde-rated.
If you're ever stuck for something to wear, call Tommy. Hilfiger it out.
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One of them turns to the other and says, "Do you smell fish?"
I'll never forget the day dad was pronounced dead. I couldn't believe I'd been saying it wrong all these years!
A tourist was taking a donkey-ride tour of the Grand Canyon when a dislodged rock smacked him square in the noggin, sending him plummeting to his death. Coroner's verdict: stoned off his ass.
When I was in high school, one of the local cops would show up regularly at our assembly hall to deliver a lecture on drugs. Nobody could ever understand a damn thing he was saying.
Ladies, please remember: when looking for the man with whom you plan spend the rest of your life, size really doesn't matter that much... you should be just as concerned about the cut, the color and the clarity.
If I was a blood-borne disease germ, I'd most likely set up housekeeping in the leg veins of the elderly. To me, they look varicosey!
Bear in mind: when being stalked by a crazed taxidermist, playing dead isn't going to help.
Before deciding on men, NASA wanted to send a chicken to the Moon. I suppose that was appropriate; it is after all, a pollo.
For his next big magic trick, David Copperfield is going to make the entire Louvre disappear! Now museum, now you don't!
With so much water and so much time on his hands, I bet Noah really wanted to do some fishing. He couldn't, of course... he only had the two worms.
Back in ancient times, people had to use sticks to blend cream and sugar into their coffee. Then some clever silversmith invented the spoon... what a stir that caused!
I want to let everyone know that I've been going through a lot the last couple of days; a parking space it bound to open up eventually!
Two blondes get lost in the woods while hunting deer. One of them turns to the other and says, "Ya know, I've heard that if you fire up into the air, nearby people may notice and come to the rescue! Wanna try it?"
So, for the next hour the two fire shots into the air, but nobody comes shows up to help them.
"This better work soon!" the second blonde grouses. "I'm almost out of arrows!"
Back when I was a kid and mom did the cooking, I used to love Thanksgiving turkey. Nowadays, with my wife taking over those duties, not so much... tis the season.
* * *
I was given a ticket today for wreckless driving! Isn't that what the damn CHP wants?
* * *
Barfly #1: "Hey, I saw a guy passed out on the asphalt! Guess we better call an ambulance, huh?"
Barfly #2: "Don't worry about him. That's Charlie. He just left... said it was time for him to hit the road."
* * *
It's true that two wrongs don't make a right. It's also true that three lefts do.
* * *
Q: Why wasn't there any demand for US porn in the Soviet Union?
A: The Russians found it to be so unrealistic; like you could really get a plumber or delivery man to show up at your house in less than two years!
* * *
My aunt's a psychic. If ever she needs anything for her business, there are dozens of specialty shops to serve her. Not like in the old days... she had to order everything from the Seer's Catalog.
* * *
In the summer months, Dr. Jekyll would bolster his formula with Gatorade. It was the ideal way to remain Hyde-rated.
* * *
If you're ever stuck for something to wear, call Tommy. Hilfiger it out.
* * *
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One of them turns to the other and says, "Do you smell fish?"
* * *
I'll never forget the day dad was pronounced dead. I couldn't believe I'd been saying it wrong all these years!
* * *
A tourist was taking a donkey-ride tour of the Grand Canyon when a dislodged rock smacked him square in the noggin, sending him plummeting to his death. Coroner's verdict: stoned off his ass.
* * *
When I was in high school, one of the local cops would show up regularly at our assembly hall to deliver a lecture on drugs. Nobody could ever understand a damn thing he was saying.
* * *
Ladies, please remember: when looking for the man with whom you plan spend the rest of your life, size really doesn't matter that much... you should be just as concerned about the cut, the color and the clarity.
* * *
If I was a blood-borne disease germ, I'd most likely set up housekeeping in the leg veins of the elderly. To me, they look varicosey!
* * *
Bear in mind: when being stalked by a crazed taxidermist, playing dead isn't going to help.
* * *
Before deciding on men, NASA wanted to send a chicken to the Moon. I suppose that was appropriate; it is after all, a pollo.
* * *
For his next big magic trick, David Copperfield is going to make the entire Louvre disappear! Now museum, now you don't!
* * *
With so much water and so much time on his hands, I bet Noah really wanted to do some fishing. He couldn't, of course... he only had the two worms.
* * *
Back in ancient times, people had to use sticks to blend cream and sugar into their coffee. Then some clever silversmith invented the spoon... what a stir that caused!
* * *
I want to let everyone know that I've been going through a lot the last couple of days; a parking space it bound to open up eventually!
* * *
Two blondes get lost in the woods while hunting deer. One of them turns to the other and says, "Ya know, I've heard that if you fire up into the air, nearby people may notice and come to the rescue! Wanna try it?"
So, for the next hour the two fire shots into the air, but nobody comes shows up to help them.
"This better work soon!" the second blonde grouses. "I'm almost out of arrows!"
* * *
Back when I was a kid and mom did the cooking, I used to love Thanksgiving turkey. Nowadays, with my wife taking over those duties, not so much... tis the season.
