Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
I was the ace slugger in our softball club; my cousin was the relief pitcher on an opposing team. His teammates used to complain about his awful performance. They'd say he was a bush leaguer... he never struck me as one.
It's unkind to taunt a Sasquatch.
Call a Sasquatch Bigfoot and he should be steamed.
Call a Sasquatch Skunk Ape and he should be boiling mad.
Yeti never complains.
The Yeti must be doing plenty of sit-ups. Sherpas are starting to call him the Abdominal Snowman.
If you're ever stuck for gift ideas, why not try lottery tickets! There's no better way of saying to your friends, "Enjoy this present: 50 bucks I gave to the state instead of to you!"
My new self-driving car is making me crazy! It won't obey any of my orders! If I tell it to head downtown, it makes an immediate right turn! If I say I want to go to my girlfriend's house, it circles the block! I never get anywhere I want to! It's sending me 'round the bend!
Santa's always in the holiday spirit! Why, he even says to the North Pole washing machines, "Have a cup of Cheer!"
I told my brother I was developing masochistic tendencies. His reply to me was well intentioned, but not very helpful: "Hey bro, don't beat yourself up over it."
Brunette: "Are you looking forward to 2022?"
Blonde: "Not really. Sequels are never as good as the originals."
My doctor took one look at my cracked, misshapen fingernails and told me, "You really ought to be filing those." Pretty stupid advice... what the heck am I supposed to do with a manilla envelope full of yanked out fingernails?
The three wise men arrived at Jesus' birth bearing gifts: gold, frankincense, and myrrh. These were the most valuable commodities at the time. If Jesus had been born in the age of NFTs, they would have arrived bearing GIFs.
I got three degrees at Harvard! All of 'em all came from burning down the administration building.
The dinosaurs had a savior, same way the humans have. You've heard of him, of course: Tyrannosaurus Ressurex.
I entered a restaurant for a nice meal, but the waiter told me, "Sorry, sir, but we're terribly understaffed. You'll just have to wait." Next thing I know, I'm taking an order to table 7!
Q: How does Batman crash through windows without getting hurt?
A: He checks first to make sure they're paneless.
I just finished writing a 3000 word essay on king cobras. My publisher really would have preferred that I'd written it on paper.
Mechanic: "Have these tires ever been rotated?"
Blonde: "Of course they have! I drove down here, didn't I?"
The damn cat knocked my boob beer mug off the shelf and smashed it. Fortunately, the pieces fit together well enough, so I glued them back together and then went to work. I figured all the cracks would be dry by noon, but my wife says the mug is still awfully tacky.
Q: Why did the blonde starve to death?
A: She'd gone to a drive-in to see the movie "Closed for the Winter".
I accidently dialed 911 last night. It was so potentially embarrassing, I set my house on fire just so I wouldn't look stupid.
In exchange for using it as a nursery, Joseph had to sweep the stable's floor. Seems there was no Roomba at the inn.
I'm trying to decide what my least favorite animal species is. Mosquitos are the strongest contenders. I really hate leeches, too. It's very close, but mosquitos win by a nose.
Mary's water broke just before Jesus' birth. That's because he hadn't yet learned how to walk.
* * *
It's unkind to taunt a Sasquatch.
Call a Sasquatch Bigfoot and he should be steamed.
Call a Sasquatch Skunk Ape and he should be boiling mad.
Yeti never complains.
* * *
The Yeti must be doing plenty of sit-ups. Sherpas are starting to call him the Abdominal Snowman.
* * *
If you're ever stuck for gift ideas, why not try lottery tickets! There's no better way of saying to your friends, "Enjoy this present: 50 bucks I gave to the state instead of to you!"
* * *
My new self-driving car is making me crazy! It won't obey any of my orders! If I tell it to head downtown, it makes an immediate right turn! If I say I want to go to my girlfriend's house, it circles the block! I never get anywhere I want to! It's sending me 'round the bend!
* * *
Santa's always in the holiday spirit! Why, he even says to the North Pole washing machines, "Have a cup of Cheer!"
* * *
I told my brother I was developing masochistic tendencies. His reply to me was well intentioned, but not very helpful: "Hey bro, don't beat yourself up over it."
* * *
Brunette: "Are you looking forward to 2022?"
Blonde: "Not really. Sequels are never as good as the originals."
* * *
My doctor took one look at my cracked, misshapen fingernails and told me, "You really ought to be filing those." Pretty stupid advice... what the heck am I supposed to do with a manilla envelope full of yanked out fingernails?
* * *
The three wise men arrived at Jesus' birth bearing gifts: gold, frankincense, and myrrh. These were the most valuable commodities at the time. If Jesus had been born in the age of NFTs, they would have arrived bearing GIFs.
* * *
I got three degrees at Harvard! All of 'em all came from burning down the administration building.
* * *
The dinosaurs had a savior, same way the humans have. You've heard of him, of course: Tyrannosaurus Ressurex.
* * *
I entered a restaurant for a nice meal, but the waiter told me, "Sorry, sir, but we're terribly understaffed. You'll just have to wait." Next thing I know, I'm taking an order to table 7!
* * *
Q: How does Batman crash through windows without getting hurt?
A: He checks first to make sure they're paneless.
* * *
I just finished writing a 3000 word essay on king cobras. My publisher really would have preferred that I'd written it on paper.
* * *
Mechanic: "Have these tires ever been rotated?"
Blonde: "Of course they have! I drove down here, didn't I?"
* * *
The damn cat knocked my boob beer mug off the shelf and smashed it. Fortunately, the pieces fit together well enough, so I glued them back together and then went to work. I figured all the cracks would be dry by noon, but my wife says the mug is still awfully tacky.
* * *
Q: Why did the blonde starve to death?
A: She'd gone to a drive-in to see the movie "Closed for the Winter".
* * *
I accidently dialed 911 last night. It was so potentially embarrassing, I set my house on fire just so I wouldn't look stupid.
* * *
In exchange for using it as a nursery, Joseph had to sweep the stable's floor. Seems there was no Roomba at the inn.
* * *
I'm trying to decide what my least favorite animal species is. Mosquitos are the strongest contenders. I really hate leeches, too. It's very close, but mosquitos win by a nose.
* * *
Mary's water broke just before Jesus' birth. That's because he hadn't yet learned how to walk.
