Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas, and she told me that nothing would make her happier than a brand new car. Well, I'd planned to buy her a Porsche, but her stated preference was a heck of a lot cheaper!
Doctor: "It's time for a complete physical examination, you strapping, virile man. So, please strip off all your clothes."
Patient: "Okay, doc. What should I do with my pants?"
Doctor: "You can hang 'em right alongside mine."
Q: Do hermits like cheese?
A: Certainly. They often eat prov-alone.
Cannibal # 1: "So, what do you think of this Olympic athlete?"
Cannibal #2: "Not much. Way too gamey."
My wife just told me that she's pregnant with our 15th child. What a great kidder she is!
She: "Hey honey, great news! I'm pregnant with another child!"
He: "Jesus, you're kiddin' me."
She: "Nope! I'm hoping for a petite little girl! What are you hoping it is?"
He: "A big fat lie."
Most college kids get help from mommy and daddy paying for expenses, but not me! I earned my MA by working as a sperm donor! Paid for my entire tuition single-handedly!
A new driving service has just been created expressly for chubby folks. They're calling it Fork Lyft.
This year for Christmas, I got something special: a farmer living 50 miles away found my lost pony, which had nearly frozen solid in the snow, and returned her to me unharmed. It was a Christmas mare-icle!
There once was an Old West badman so poor that he stole roll after roll of paper towels from the general store just so he could get himself a hat. Not surprisingly, he had a bounty on his head.
My nephew is a pyromaniac, so naturally he got coal in his stocking this Christmas. I hate to criticize Santa, but but I really don't think that helped the situation.
"I believe that the most important thing in life is change."
"Well, that certainly makes cents."
I got my disabled uncle a prosthetic leg for Christmas. It was the perfect stocking stuffer!
Men are demonstrably sexier than women. You can't spell "sexy" without XY!
I become uncontrollably furious when I see the numbers 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11. Experts call it primal rage.
Q: How many letters are there in "Christmas"?
A: Must be 25. Noel!
Donald knew exactly what Mickey was getting him for Christmas. Sometimes I don't think he's a normal duck; I suspect he's really a Peking Duck.
British royal feasts were rumored to have been followed by severe bouts of flatulence. History bears this out; note that the line of kings has been dominated by Tooters and Windsers.
Superman really ought to be fighting cybercrime. I can't think of anyone more familiar with Krypto currency.
My fool aunt got a meat slicer for Christmas and accidentally sat on the damn thing. Just what you'd expect: dis-assed her!
An optimist sees the glass as half full.
A pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
A mother smacks them both for putting a leaky glass on her good oak dining table.
Twenty-five letters in the alphabet got coal in their stocking this Christmas. Too bad for them they were not E.
* * *
Doctor: "It's time for a complete physical examination, you strapping, virile man. So, please strip off all your clothes."
Patient: "Okay, doc. What should I do with my pants?"
Doctor: "You can hang 'em right alongside mine."
* * *
Q: Do hermits like cheese?
A: Certainly. They often eat prov-alone.
* * *
Cannibal # 1: "So, what do you think of this Olympic athlete?"
Cannibal #2: "Not much. Way too gamey."
* * *
My wife just told me that she's pregnant with our 15th child. What a great kidder she is!
* * *
She: "Hey honey, great news! I'm pregnant with another child!"
He: "Jesus, you're kiddin' me."
She: "Nope! I'm hoping for a petite little girl! What are you hoping it is?"
He: "A big fat lie."
* * *
Most college kids get help from mommy and daddy paying for expenses, but not me! I earned my MA by working as a sperm donor! Paid for my entire tuition single-handedly!
* * *
A new driving service has just been created expressly for chubby folks. They're calling it Fork Lyft.
* * *
This year for Christmas, I got something special: a farmer living 50 miles away found my lost pony, which had nearly frozen solid in the snow, and returned her to me unharmed. It was a Christmas mare-icle!
* * *
There once was an Old West badman so poor that he stole roll after roll of paper towels from the general store just so he could get himself a hat. Not surprisingly, he had a bounty on his head.
* * *
My nephew is a pyromaniac, so naturally he got coal in his stocking this Christmas. I hate to criticize Santa, but but I really don't think that helped the situation.
* * *
"I believe that the most important thing in life is change."
"Well, that certainly makes cents."
* * *
I got my disabled uncle a prosthetic leg for Christmas. It was the perfect stocking stuffer!
* * *
Men are demonstrably sexier than women. You can't spell "sexy" without XY!
* * *
I become uncontrollably furious when I see the numbers 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11. Experts call it primal rage.
* * *
Q: How many letters are there in "Christmas"?
A: Must be 25. Noel!
* * *
Donald knew exactly what Mickey was getting him for Christmas. Sometimes I don't think he's a normal duck; I suspect he's really a Peking Duck.
* * *
British royal feasts were rumored to have been followed by severe bouts of flatulence. History bears this out; note that the line of kings has been dominated by Tooters and Windsers.
* * *
Superman really ought to be fighting cybercrime. I can't think of anyone more familiar with Krypto currency.
* * *
My fool aunt got a meat slicer for Christmas and accidentally sat on the damn thing. Just what you'd expect: dis-assed her!
* * *
An optimist sees the glass as half full.
A pessimist sees the glass as half empty.
A mother smacks them both for putting a leaky glass on her good oak dining table.
* * *
Twenty-five letters in the alphabet got coal in their stocking this Christmas. Too bad for them they were not E.
