Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Hear about the guy who got shipwrecked on one of the Guano Islands? He went batshit crazy.
I just got some shocking news... turns out my dad is really gay. I'm just not sure which one of them it is.
Q: How do you make an apple 3.14 times yummier?
A: Put it in a pi.
Last weekend, I mixed my blood with alcohol, got hammered and woke up three days later. My wife says it's ungodly behavior, but I told her I was only following Jesus' example.
Five out of six experts agree that Russian roulette is a perfectly safe game.
I accidently ran over a whole gaggle of waterfowl on the way to work. What an experience... it gave me goosebumps.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer may not graduate from Reindeer College. Turns out he went down in History.
A guy pulled a knife on me at the theater last night, so I had to shoot him. I say it was self defence, but his fellow surgeons are calling it murder.
Q: How come Aquaman always does so well in the annual Superhero Hide and Seek competition?
A: It's only natural. He's been Sea King for years.
My wife tells me to quit drinking alcohol. She says booze won't solve any of my problems. I say screw her; orange juice won't solve 'em either, but she isn't bugging me to give that up.
On school playgrounds, the most likely place to find termites is the wooden teeter-totter. It shows you how conscientious these insects are... they instinctively seek out a balanced diet.
American tourist: "There it is, the Roman Colosseum! Isn't it spectacular?"
Blonde wife: "Sure is! But just think how much nicer it'll look once they're done building it!"
I'd just finished a succulent Chinese meal and opened up my cookie to receive a few words of wisdom, when I unexpectedly found no contents. How unfortunate!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To seek an enlightened community that wouldn't constantly question his travel motives.
Please try some of my tabby caserole! It's made from scratch!
Doctors have just perfected a morning-after pill for men. Novel approach... it changes your blood type.
My dad regularly took me bow hunting when I was a lad. It was so embarrassing having to wear them to school the next day.
Dwayne Johnson has decided to learn more about his family background. He recently enrolled in a geology class.
Our nextdoor neighbor, a kitchen utensile manufacturer, erected a barrier between our two properties using a roll of excess strainer material. My wife loves it. She considers it to be a clever repurposing of waste metal. Me, I think it's a fence sieve.
Never stir your eggnog with a candy cane. To do so may seem festive and Christmassy, but it immediately makes the tradition an eggnog stick exercise.
Q: Why does a Scott refer to his native attire as "kilt"?
A: Because that's what happened to the last guy who called it "skirt".
My wife always hated my drinking. So when I went to visit her gravesite, I honored her final request by emptying out a treasured 20 year old bottle of Scotch in front of the headstone. But to make sure it was extra sanitary, I ran it through my kidneys first.
* * *
I just got some shocking news... turns out my dad is really gay. I'm just not sure which one of them it is.
* * *
Q: How do you make an apple 3.14 times yummier?
A: Put it in a pi.
* * *
Last weekend, I mixed my blood with alcohol, got hammered and woke up three days later. My wife says it's ungodly behavior, but I told her I was only following Jesus' example.
* * *
Five out of six experts agree that Russian roulette is a perfectly safe game.
* * *
I accidently ran over a whole gaggle of waterfowl on the way to work. What an experience... it gave me goosebumps.
* * *
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer may not graduate from Reindeer College. Turns out he went down in History.
* * *
A guy pulled a knife on me at the theater last night, so I had to shoot him. I say it was self defence, but his fellow surgeons are calling it murder.
* * *
Q: How come Aquaman always does so well in the annual Superhero Hide and Seek competition?
A: It's only natural. He's been Sea King for years.
* * *
My wife tells me to quit drinking alcohol. She says booze won't solve any of my problems. I say screw her; orange juice won't solve 'em either, but she isn't bugging me to give that up.
* * *
On school playgrounds, the most likely place to find termites is the wooden teeter-totter. It shows you how conscientious these insects are... they instinctively seek out a balanced diet.
* * *
American tourist: "There it is, the Roman Colosseum! Isn't it spectacular?"
Blonde wife: "Sure is! But just think how much nicer it'll look once they're done building it!"
* * *
I'd just finished a succulent Chinese meal and opened up my cookie to receive a few words of wisdom, when I unexpectedly found no contents. How unfortunate!
* * *
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To seek an enlightened community that wouldn't constantly question his travel motives.
* * *
Please try some of my tabby caserole! It's made from scratch!
* * *
Doctors have just perfected a morning-after pill for men. Novel approach... it changes your blood type.
* * *
My dad regularly took me bow hunting when I was a lad. It was so embarrassing having to wear them to school the next day.
* * *
Dwayne Johnson has decided to learn more about his family background. He recently enrolled in a geology class.
* * *
Our nextdoor neighbor, a kitchen utensile manufacturer, erected a barrier between our two properties using a roll of excess strainer material. My wife loves it. She considers it to be a clever repurposing of waste metal. Me, I think it's a fence sieve.
* * *
Never stir your eggnog with a candy cane. To do so may seem festive and Christmassy, but it immediately makes the tradition an eggnog stick exercise.
* * *
Q: Why does a Scott refer to his native attire as "kilt"?
A: Because that's what happened to the last guy who called it "skirt".
* * *
My wife always hated my drinking. So when I went to visit her gravesite, I honored her final request by emptying out a treasured 20 year old bottle of Scotch in front of the headstone. But to make sure it was extra sanitary, I ran it through my kidneys first.
