Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
On her last birthday, my wife demanded I buy something special for her bath. So I did... I got a toaster.
Q: Why are pretzels called pretzels?
A: Because they're knot bread.
When asked about my finances, I inform people that I put all my money in textiles. That's a fancy way of saying I stick my change in my pants.
She: "Hey, the whole family is invited to a costume party!"
He: "Great! I'll go in a grizzly costume! You can be a panda and junior can be a koala!"
She: "Why on earth are you making such stupid suggestions?"
He: "Please, just bear with me... "
Every time I play piano, it causes me rear-end distress. To fix the problem I bought some stool softener, but can't figure out how to rub the pills into the wood.
"I never knew you liked sports! I hear you went to a Superbowl Party this Sunday!"
"No no no! A bunch of my Audubon chums and I got together that evening to celebrate the magnificent order of Strigiformes. It was a Superb Owl party."
The big faith healer revival meeting must have been a bust; I hear that all the wheelchair patients got up and walked out.
She: "I plan on making a traditional Christmas dinner this year. Do you keep geese in stock?"
He: "Sure! Come in and take a gander for yourself!"
She: "Hey, great! I didn't realize they'd be for free!"
Many people gripe about it, but I thought 2020 was a beautiful year! It took my breath away!
Wanna last longer in bed? Here's a simple trick: move your alarm ahead two hours.
I've been reading up on Europe in preparation for my vacation. According to the brochures, the national sport of Spain is bull fighting, while in England its cricket. That settles it then, I'm heading for Spain. No way to I want to watch some dude fight a cricket!
My imaginary friend is much better off than I am. At least he has one real friend.
I came out of the closet last week. But that was only for supplies... soon as I had 'em, it was back to Narnia!
Look alive, people! There's a necrophiliac on the loose!
"Did I hear that your brother has arthritis?"
"My brother? Nah, there's nothing wrong with him except that he's a stoner."
"Oh. Well, I knew I'd heard something about inflamed joints."
The difference between a duck and a lawyer: you never hear anybody complain about a duck's bill.
I'd like to throw a Swiss-themed dinner party, but don't know the proper food etiquette yet. I still need to learn all the fondues and fon-don'ts.
A woman will always get in the last word. That's as it should be; she's the one who has the period.
I'm selling off all my old furniture before I move... everything, that is, except my father's antique chest. That piece is priceless... I ran out of price tags, damn it.
Q: What is it that has 30 feet and two teeth?
A: The line at the methadone clinic.
I was making pudding for dessert and the last step of the recipe read, "Chill in the fridge for an hour." I tried my best, but after five minutes the air ran out.
Never mind COVID vaccine... I'm taking the Kansas City vaccine. That way, I'll never catch anything.
* * *
Q: Why are pretzels called pretzels?
A: Because they're knot bread.
* * *
When asked about my finances, I inform people that I put all my money in textiles. That's a fancy way of saying I stick my change in my pants.
* * *
She: "Hey, the whole family is invited to a costume party!"
He: "Great! I'll go in a grizzly costume! You can be a panda and junior can be a koala!"
She: "Why on earth are you making such stupid suggestions?"
He: "Please, just bear with me... "
* * *
Every time I play piano, it causes me rear-end distress. To fix the problem I bought some stool softener, but can't figure out how to rub the pills into the wood.
* * *
"I never knew you liked sports! I hear you went to a Superbowl Party this Sunday!"
"No no no! A bunch of my Audubon chums and I got together that evening to celebrate the magnificent order of Strigiformes. It was a Superb Owl party."
* * *
The big faith healer revival meeting must have been a bust; I hear that all the wheelchair patients got up and walked out.
* * *
She: "I plan on making a traditional Christmas dinner this year. Do you keep geese in stock?"
He: "Sure! Come in and take a gander for yourself!"
She: "Hey, great! I didn't realize they'd be for free!"
* * *
Many people gripe about it, but I thought 2020 was a beautiful year! It took my breath away!
* * *
Wanna last longer in bed? Here's a simple trick: move your alarm ahead two hours.
* * *
I've been reading up on Europe in preparation for my vacation. According to the brochures, the national sport of Spain is bull fighting, while in England its cricket. That settles it then, I'm heading for Spain. No way to I want to watch some dude fight a cricket!
* * *
My imaginary friend is much better off than I am. At least he has one real friend.
* * *
I came out of the closet last week. But that was only for supplies... soon as I had 'em, it was back to Narnia!
* * *
Look alive, people! There's a necrophiliac on the loose!
* * *
"Did I hear that your brother has arthritis?"
"My brother? Nah, there's nothing wrong with him except that he's a stoner."
"Oh. Well, I knew I'd heard something about inflamed joints."
* * *
The difference between a duck and a lawyer: you never hear anybody complain about a duck's bill.
* * *
I'd like to throw a Swiss-themed dinner party, but don't know the proper food etiquette yet. I still need to learn all the fondues and fon-don'ts.
* * *
A woman will always get in the last word. That's as it should be; she's the one who has the period.
* * *
I'm selling off all my old furniture before I move... everything, that is, except my father's antique chest. That piece is priceless... I ran out of price tags, damn it.
* * *
Q: What is it that has 30 feet and two teeth?
A: The line at the methadone clinic.
* * *
I was making pudding for dessert and the last step of the recipe read, "Chill in the fridge for an hour." I tried my best, but after five minutes the air ran out.
* * *
Never mind COVID vaccine... I'm taking the Kansas City vaccine. That way, I'll never catch anything.
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