Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,919
- Points
- 38
As a practical joke, I smeared a gob of glue on each one of the playing cards the day wife and her friends had their bridge game planned. I figured she'd think the stuck together deck was funny, but no... she couldn't deal with it.
Customer: "I'll have a Dickens martini, please."
Barman: "I've never heard of that before. How do you make it?"
Customer: "Olive or twist."
My sheep-herding dog weighs 200 lbs. He's a broader collie.
Q: In a speed contest between man and horse, who comes in second?
A: The horse. He four-foots the race.
I date a girl who's hearing impaired. Today she told me we need to talk; that's not a good sign.
Brunette: "So, do you know how did the dinosaurs died off?"
Blonde: "Yup, that's an easy one! It was dino-farts!"
Brunette: "Dino-farts!?"
Blonde: "Sure! All the professors say they went ex-stinked!"
Blonde: "You're always quizzing me. Today, I'm gonna quiz you!"
Burnette: "Okay. Which topic?"
Blonde: "Geography. See, there's this country in Africa... it's super advanced... it has the rarest metal in the world... it's ruled over by a king who dresses up like a big black cat... well, do you know it?"
Burnette: "Wakanda."
Blonde: "The kind I just described! Now listen better... "
Q: What's the best way to stop internal bleeding?
A: Take your damn problems back outside!
My girlfriend is really into spelunking and was keen for me to join her on an expedition. I've got mild claustrophobia and would just as soon have not... still, your best girl's your best girl and anything her little heart desires must taken into account: in the end, I caved.
Here's a simple trick that will prevent you from shedding tears whenever you chop up an onion: try not to get so attached to the cute li'l things.
I wasn't terribly knowledgeable about hard drugs before I moved to the big city... but it wasn't long before I got up to speed!
Q: How does a prostitute explain her fees to the IRS?
A: As in-cum.
Jesus performed many miraculous cures simply by having the afflicted help Him out at work.
"We're done for the day," He told the blind man. "Clean up the tools."... after which the man picked up the hammer and saw!
But that was nothing compared to the miracle He performed the next day when the wheel came loose from their wheelbarrow.
"You see to that," Jesus told the mute. Immediately the man touched the wheel and spoke!
The sweater I just bought picks up an excessive amount of static electricity, so I'm taking it back to the store. I expect to get a replacement free of charge.
Hear about the priest who thought he could fend off a vampire by feeding it blood sausage? Things only went from bat to wurst!
I watched the Super Bowl this year; it went into overtime. I also watched the Puppy Bowl and an amazingly similar thing happened... it went into Rover time.
Fellowship: "Hey Gandalf! Did you really send a moth to summon help that time you escaped from Orthanc Tower?"
Gandalf: "Fly, you fools!"
My aunt lives in Australia; for my birthday, she promised to bake me a pineapple upside down cake. By the time it arrived in the US, it was just a pineapple cake.
Hear about the rainbow who stole the gold at the end and was sent to prism? Don't worry too much about him... it was a light sentence.
The last time I dove into my swimming pool, I bounced right back out again. That's what happens when you choose to fill it with spring water.
Dentist: "Your teeth are badly stained. Tell me, do you smoke or drink coffee?"
Patient: "I drink coffee almost every day. I smoke it only occasionally."
A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk and a Jewish rabbit decide it would be a nice gesture of cooperation if they all give blood together. When they get to the blood bank, the nurse asks them, "Do you all know which blood types you belong to?"
"You can put me down as a type-A positive," the priest states.
"Me, I'm a type-B positive," returns the monk.
"I don't think there can be any doubt," replies the rabbit, "I'm sure I'm a type-O. Positive!"
* * *
Customer: "I'll have a Dickens martini, please."
Barman: "I've never heard of that before. How do you make it?"
Customer: "Olive or twist."
* * *
My sheep-herding dog weighs 200 lbs. He's a broader collie.
* * *
Q: In a speed contest between man and horse, who comes in second?
A: The horse. He four-foots the race.
* * *
I date a girl who's hearing impaired. Today she told me we need to talk; that's not a good sign.
* * *
Brunette: "So, do you know how did the dinosaurs died off?"
Blonde: "Yup, that's an easy one! It was dino-farts!"
Brunette: "Dino-farts!?"
Blonde: "Sure! All the professors say they went ex-stinked!"
* * *
Blonde: "You're always quizzing me. Today, I'm gonna quiz you!"
Burnette: "Okay. Which topic?"
Blonde: "Geography. See, there's this country in Africa... it's super advanced... it has the rarest metal in the world... it's ruled over by a king who dresses up like a big black cat... well, do you know it?"
Burnette: "Wakanda."
Blonde: "The kind I just described! Now listen better... "
* * *
Q: What's the best way to stop internal bleeding?
A: Take your damn problems back outside!
* * *
My girlfriend is really into spelunking and was keen for me to join her on an expedition. I've got mild claustrophobia and would just as soon have not... still, your best girl's your best girl and anything her little heart desires must taken into account: in the end, I caved.
* * *
Here's a simple trick that will prevent you from shedding tears whenever you chop up an onion: try not to get so attached to the cute li'l things.
* * *
I wasn't terribly knowledgeable about hard drugs before I moved to the big city... but it wasn't long before I got up to speed!
* * *
Q: How does a prostitute explain her fees to the IRS?
A: As in-cum.
* * *
Jesus performed many miraculous cures simply by having the afflicted help Him out at work.
"We're done for the day," He told the blind man. "Clean up the tools."... after which the man picked up the hammer and saw!
But that was nothing compared to the miracle He performed the next day when the wheel came loose from their wheelbarrow.
"You see to that," Jesus told the mute. Immediately the man touched the wheel and spoke!
* * *
The sweater I just bought picks up an excessive amount of static electricity, so I'm taking it back to the store. I expect to get a replacement free of charge.
* * *
Hear about the priest who thought he could fend off a vampire by feeding it blood sausage? Things only went from bat to wurst!
* * *
I watched the Super Bowl this year; it went into overtime. I also watched the Puppy Bowl and an amazingly similar thing happened... it went into Rover time.
* * *
Fellowship: "Hey Gandalf! Did you really send a moth to summon help that time you escaped from Orthanc Tower?"
Gandalf: "Fly, you fools!"
* * *
My aunt lives in Australia; for my birthday, she promised to bake me a pineapple upside down cake. By the time it arrived in the US, it was just a pineapple cake.
* * *
Hear about the rainbow who stole the gold at the end and was sent to prism? Don't worry too much about him... it was a light sentence.
* * *
The last time I dove into my swimming pool, I bounced right back out again. That's what happens when you choose to fill it with spring water.
* * *
Dentist: "Your teeth are badly stained. Tell me, do you smoke or drink coffee?"
Patient: "I drink coffee almost every day. I smoke it only occasionally."
* * *
A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk and a Jewish rabbit decide it would be a nice gesture of cooperation if they all give blood together. When they get to the blood bank, the nurse asks them, "Do you all know which blood types you belong to?"
"You can put me down as a type-A positive," the priest states.
"Me, I'm a type-B positive," returns the monk.
"I don't think there can be any doubt," replies the rabbit, "I'm sure I'm a type-O. Positive!"
